Dumped & Can't Move on!

[lisa27]

My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me in late September and 10 days later begged for me back. Said he messed up and could see a future with me. Was willing to do anything to get me back. Things were great for a while - but he went back into his old ways. never had time for me. just wanted to work and hang with his friends/flatmates. all of which are single and go partying every night. I am 25 and he is 23. so a bit of a difference in age.

 

He ended up dumping me again 2 months after we got back together. Just before christmas and new years. We had so many plans ahead of us so i wanted to make it work, but he said he couldnt see a future with me anymore. He said "he loves me, but not us". I was heartbroken.

 

Its been 7 weeks now and i had not spoken to him since Dec 16th (2.5 weeks no contact). but his grandma got very sick a few days ago so i felt i needed to check in as it seemed quite serious. needless to say its taken me ten steps back. he was cold and distant. tried to end convo as soon as he could. which hurts because i was only trying to be friendly. It seems that everytime ive spoken to him since break up hes seen it as me trying to get him back so has shut me down so quickly. keeps saying hes "determined" to figure out what makes him happy and who he is. all such a cop out.

 

im struggling because its summer time and he is away with all his friends having the time of his life. its like hes forgotten i existed. And im struggling so much. i cry every day and feel like im going 1 step forward 3 steps back daily.

 

Im in such a deep depression from this rejection and feel worthless. How can i get out of this? Did i mean nothing to him? why fight for me if i was so easy to give up the second time round?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this happened. He sounds too immature for you and therefore acts confused and unreliable. Agree his excuses sound like a cop out. Try to stay no contact so you don't have painful set backs. Also block and delete him from social media so you can heal and move forward.

I am 25 and he is 23. He said "he loves me, but not us".It seems that everytime ive spoken to him since break up hes seen it as me trying to get him back so has shut me down so quickly. keeps saying hes "determined" to figure out what makes him happy and who he is. all such a cop out.

[gebaird]

What an asshat.

 

Since contacting him hurt you so much, your top priority is to avoid doing that again at all costs. Even if his grandma dies, even if he needs a kidney and you are the only compatible donor, JUST SAY NO. A 2-year age difference isn't the problem here. There are plenty of 23-year-old guys who would treat a woman better than this.

 

You took him back when he dumped you the first time, and you made an effort to contact him when his grandma wasn't feeling well. You are forgiving and compassionate, which are attributes that can only help you in future relationships. Too bad they were wasted on him.

 

You are not worthless just because you've been treated that way. His hurtful behavior is a reflection on him, not you. If he continues to treat others the way he's treated you, his happiness will be short-lived indeed.

 

The guy who loved you is gone. Mourn the loss of the relationship, the loss of the companionship and the good times you shared. But celebrate the fact that you are now free from a person who could so casually dismiss you after forming a meaningful bond.

[lisa27]

Thanks so much for taking time out of you day to reply. Means alot!

 

i have removed him from all social media - but its a real shame because of his job (freelance filmer) i see a lot of his work all over social media and im still friends with his mates (didnt want to be look tragic by removing them also) - hence why he seems to be doing so well.

 

wish i could stop worrying about him and what hes thinking and feeling. I know time will heal everything. i just didnt think after 7 weeks i would still feel this low. im almost a little embarrassed by it all...

[lisa27]

thank you so much for your reply! your words resinated with me so much. it is so helpful!!

 

ive seen a lot of similar posts to mine on here where the answers have been quite cut throat like - HES NOT THAT INTO YOU GET OVER IT. type things. where people take the guys side and say that he is allowed to feel & act how in a hurtful manner and detachment is normal after a break up. This is all very true and very valid - but it was nice to see a reply where you actually could see from that small thread - that yes, this guy is a bit of an asshat.

 

I most definitely will not be messaging him again. even if worst case. you are completely right. hes not a part of my life anymore. thats not my family anymore.

 

Thank you again for your kind words.

[Reflections11]

 

Im in such a deep depression from this rejection and feel worthless. How can i get out of this?

 

I'm sorry. There is a way out of this. It's No Contact.

You have to commit to it and stick to it. You now see that every time you make contact it will make things even worse than they were before.

You are probably frustrated with how bad you felt doing No Contact. 2.5 weeks feels like an eternity, but it takes longer than that for the healing to occur.

Block him from all social media, delete him from your phone, and commit to No Contact.

It will take more than two weeks, but you will feel better with time.

But every time you break it and make Contact, expect this emotional hole to get deeper than before.

Sorry you are going through this, but there is a way out.

[Hollyj]

You need to block him and his friends.

 

Also, you need to realistic about the relationship: he never made you a priority. He will not change. This is not about you, but his inability to be present in a relationship. You were not happy with who he was, and once you accept this, you will move on.

 

Now block!!!!!

[No1]

Healing is a mind set.

Replace the word "Cant" with "Have not". I have not moved on, I have not stopped thinking of him, I have not stopped crying. "Cant" means defeat, "have not" gives hope with hard work.

He is your X, you no longer have to care what he does or with who. Thats the beauty of it all. No longer your problem. Get rid of the past promises because none of them matter. Find that happy girl again, spoil yourself, treat yourself right. Find your smile and guys will find you... I promise.

[lisa27]

Thanks for your reply!

I actually dont mind No contact. it empowers me forsure. So i think i will be able to keep this up, thank you!

 

I think the main problem i have is checking his instagram because even once you block someone you can still see their stuff - they cant see yours. I keep looking for stuff and when i find it - it kills me. its all self inflicted...Last night i saw a girl had posted a picture of him on her instagram of them watching the sunset. I really must stop checking. im causing myself more pain. I think i just want to know so i dont look like a fool for not knowing, the fool that is still pining for him when he has clearly moved on...

 

im going to try really hard to steer clear of that. thank you

[lisa27]

its crazy how you much you have nailed that on the head.

from what i wrote in my thread - i couldnt imagine someone fully understanding that side of things because i didnt go into it fully. But you are 100% correct. I was not the happy when i was with him. he was not doing right by me - i never felt secure in the relationship. i always worked on his schedule. BUT with rejection comes remembering all the great things - and forget the bad times. rejection messes with the head. I need to stop being so hard on myself. thank you for reminding me of this.

[lisa27]

Thank you so much for your reply. I really enjoyed reading this. you have a great way with words.

I love the ending because my smile is my best attribute and the one thing about me that i always get commented on (the one thing my X absolutely adored) so thats a lovely line to remember...