Long-Distance SO Despises Herself.

[Eli Moorhouse]

So, me, being the no-life loser I am met a girl online while playing video games. I know that's geeky af but still, it is a relationship now, and I do genuinely love her.

 

However, there are problems (why else would I make an account on this site?).

 

So the main thing comes down to her self-loathing, however I think this is a special case of it. She think's she's ugly, useless, a nuissance to everyone, unable, and does not believe that anyone should care for her or her feelings at all.

She views the world as having "givers and receivers", and she believes that she is a giver. Of course, part of her still cares for herself, but I believe this is because of her irrational anxiety problems along with this. In spite of that,

she believes that it's wrong to care for herself, and is trying to find ways to get rid of that caring for once and for all. She literally thinks nothing of herself, or at least wants to because she sees the world as a system that she must

meet the expectations of, that system obviously being givers and receivers kinda deal. Every time I try to compliment her, she does not take it. I have tried creative ways to compliment, such as picking up on a connection she makes

or expressing that something she said was funny. She may appreciate this, I don't really know. But she thinks she shouldn't. In her mind, she MUST NOT care for herself, which pains me to see.

 

I love this young woman very much, and will not give up on her, at least not yet. Here are the things I know:

 

• She must fight the battle to love herself.
  
• I can only be of little support.
  
• Compliments mean nothing.
  
• She does not accept my affection.
  
• Giving does next to nothing.
  
• 
  

 

As you can see this situation is kind of difficult. It's some self-loathing that I've never seen before. She always feels guilty about something, but she never knows what. We cannot talk about her problems because she believes her problems do not matter for anyone or anything, and believes that the world would be better off without her. Saying positive and true statements only reinforces this self-loathing, and she tries to convince me to leave her periodically. However, I do think there's hope for her because whenever she tries to convince me that I should leave her, she expresses that she would be hurt if I left. I believe there is some sort of gratification to this expressive but self-destructive behavior, however the self-loathing definitely dominates her life. She also may have Borderline Personality disorder, as she is very on and off in this state, but I believe it's simply just mood swings made from thinking too much, which is something she does a lot. She is actually insanely intelligent, but also loses sleep because she spends way too much time in her head thinking about logically attractive topics.

 

Just recently she told me that I should not care for her and that she only exists to please me. Of course, I still want to stay with her because I love her, however I feel absolutely terrible about how she only wants to please me, because I want to please her as well, however she does not accept any attempts at me doing this.

 

No matter what responses I get I will still stay with her because I have not run out of options yet. I will not give up on her. We are meeting up again in a couple of months. I believe this may help a lot as she expresses her own inner happiness in anticipation to my arrival, and is not only looking forward to pleasing me. I think I somehow have to come up with different ways to make her happy that she CAN accept, and somehow rationally prove to her that she is valued by many people, including me of course, and that the world would only lose through her loss. I am not sure how to do this, which is why I came to you guys. Please be helpful, I have already made my choice to stay. Do not tell me to leave, either aid my position or say nothing. Thank you.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to say, but she need therapy, not a cyber relationship.

 

She also needs local support from friends, family and a counselor. And should get involved locally with school, work interests, hobbies, etc.

 

Unfortunately you mean well but are inhibiting this process and enabling her complaining and victim mentality, something much better addressed with a professional who is qualified to actually help her.