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He ignores me when I look hot?!


Ivegonemad

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I can't understand why on earth you'd show up to work with last nights make-up still on your face. Nasty.

 

I noticed that part too, but didn't want to say anything. OP, I'm curious, what kind of work do you do? It seems you can either dress super casual (hair in a messy bun and last night's make-up), and also dress formal and/or "super hot"?

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Agree with Jagger J and Capricorn.

 

It's like going from one extreme to the other.

 

Either comes in with last night's make up and messy hair (in a bun) OR dressed to the nines, clean fresh full-face makeup and done up hair, and looking HOT.

 

Surely there has to be a happy medium in there somewhere?

 

Hopefully you were exaggerating a bit OP when you wrote those things.

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I am not certain it is the same person because like I said in another post from august there is a lot of information about different men ......but if this is the same co worker

then you did actually have sex with him ...so I am going to take a guess that he isn't interested in round two ....

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I am not certain it is the same person because like I said in another post from august there is a lot of information about different men ......but if this is the same co worker

then you did actually have sex with him ...so I am going to take a guess that he isn't interested in round two ....

 

I agree,

 

Without re-reading her original post, I'm pretty sure she said she'd hooked up with this guy .. which I am assuming means she had sex with him (please correct me if I'm wrong, OP), so it's not like he's backwards in coming forwards in that department.

 

OP, I'm sure he knows, should he want to, that he could pick up where you both left off. He's choosing not too. Hooking up is .... well .... hooking up and will cause complications if one of you would like to take it further than the other. He is doing the sensible thing because, despite the fact that he might like to hook up with you again, he has a valid reason for not wanting to take things further ... and having a relationship based on sex with someone you work with is a recipe for disaster in my mind. Let this go. It will be more trouble than it's worth.

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Ok, I really want to clear some things up. #1, I referred to "dressing hot", and by that I meant that some days I put more effort in to the way I look than others. Maybe I wake up in a good mood, or maybe I'm just bored and lonely the night before and put curlers in my hair and plan an outfit. Either way, I don't do it to purposely get attention, but of course when you feel you look your best you want the guy you have a crush on to see you. I have no doubt that maybe it has come off as intimidating or desperate, I guess I never thought of it that way. I work in an office. I never look disheveled, I suppose I was exaggerating when I said last nights makeup and a messy bun. More like a sock bun an a smudgy smokey eye that results from not being able to remove some of the eye makeup from the previous night, ladies I'm sure you know what I'm referring to. No one would ever know that it was "last nights makeup". I always look professional and presentable in the office. And I don't dress for anyone but myself.

 

#2 I know I've talked about 2 different men on here. This is NOT the man who had an issue with my being a mom. I kicked him to the curb as you all suggested. This IS the guy I initially spoke about who i made a mistake and slept with, and yes, i work with him. I agree and understand that it's a horrid idea to sleep with or date someone you work with. But the problem with this guy is even though I've tried with every ounce to hate him, to dismiss him as a womanizing jerk who used me, I can't. He taught me how to do my job. He is encouraging and appreciative of everything I do. He speaks highly of me to the other workers, and I've overheard him praising me and telling our boss how impressive and bright I am. (Both before and after the hookup). When my grandfather died a couple months ago he was the only one in the office who stopped me at the copy machine to ask how I was and how my family was doing. He was the only one who followed up with me a few weeks later. And he seemed genuinely concerned. When he does talk to me he stops by my desk and never really seems to have a reason, he always acts like there's something else he wants to say but doesn't say it. And the other day I was overloaded with work, and I came back from lunch and somehow I got my work done...it seemed like there was less. He stayed there really late that night. A few days later I realized that he had gone in and completed some of my tasks to help me out, but he never said anything about it. He doesn't even get credit for that kind of thing. Friday I invited everyone to come out to drinks to celebrate my birthday, and he waited until after I left and then asked my two best friends in the office (whom he NEVER talks to) about the details and tried to find out who all was going. He didn't end up coming, but I know he was thinking about it. The thing is that we talked about it and we both AGREED that we couldn't date. He had said we had to accept the fact that we are both extremely attracted to one another but "that's it". I did my part, and I stopped going out of my way to talk to him, and began to treat him like any other guy that worked there. Like nothing happened. I started dating another guy. I moved on. But since things ended with Jerk Guy, this guy at work is starting to go right back to the way he acted in the beginning. I want nothing more than to just get over him. He's completely the opposite of everything I normally even like in a guy so it makes no sense.

 

Anyways, I'm sorry that I come here to talk about him. Obviously I can't talk to anyone at work about it bc they all know him and what happened between us is our secret, strictly between us. I'll admit it's addictive to have a crush on someone that I know I'll never be able to be with. I guess I've just never felt such a strange comfort/atttaction towards someone I barely know before. I want to believe it's magic and meant to be... but it's really not. It just is what it is.

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OP, i suggest you find a neutral attitude towards him. He has been kind, he is knowledgeable. You need not despise him or dismiss him to move past him. He is just a man, you are just a woman, sex happened. You remain powerful in your own world as he is in his. Appreciate that about yourself. Invest in yourself. Who he is and that you have a crush on him is WAY less important than who you are and how well you are building your work path. Life is full of crushes. They serve to distract us from real life.

 

Be who you want to be. Meaning, as reflected in how you present yourself, conduct yourself, and manage yourself. Be every day a bit more like the sort of person you would like to be with. From your words it seems like you want a man who is Put together, kind, trustworthy, intentional. That means, no more quick hook ups whether at work or elsewhere, because you need to practice being in control. No more smoky eye, get that ish off or wear less on a week night. Yes I know what you are talking about but my bigger point is, be in control of your look. If you want it off, get remover, find a way. Discipline yourself to achieve the results you want, even with respect to the details.

 

Remember that we attract people who mirror some inner aspect of ourselves. Example: When he had sex with you, you weren't a victim. You may have thought it was more etc (and maybe so did he for a minute); still, you put yourself in that position. You two are equal in that way. As you change, the sort of whom man you attract will change also.

 

Focus on you, guiding yourself. The rest will sort itself.

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OP, i suggest you find a neutral attitude towards him. He has been kind, he is knowledgeable. You need not despise him or dismiss him to move past him. He is just a man, you are just a woman, sex happened. You remain powerful in your own world as he is in his. Appreciate that about yourself. Invest in yourself. Who he is and that you have a crush on him is WAY less important than who you are and how well you are building your work path. Life is full of crushes. They serve to distract us from real life.

 

Be who you want to be. Meaning, as reflected in how you present yourself, conduct yourself, and manage yourself. Be every day a bit more like the sort of person you would like to be with. From your words it seems like you want a man who is Put together, kind, trustworthy, intentional. That means, no more quick hook ups whether at work or elsewhere, because you need to practice being in control. No more smoky eye, get that ish off or wear less on a week night. Yes I know what you are talking about but my bigger point is, be in control of your look. If you want it off, get remover, find a way. Discipline yourself to achieve the results you want, even with respect to the details.

 

Remember that we attract people who mirror some inner aspect of ourselves. Example: When he had sex with you, you weren't a victim. You may have thought it was more etc (and maybe so did he for a minute); still, you put yourself in that position. You two are equal in that way. As you change, the sort of whom man you attract will change also.

 

Focus on you, guiding yourself. The rest will sort itself.

 

That is honestly the best advise I think I have gotten to date. Everyone keeps saying "work on yourself" but when you're in my place, feeling kind of lost, that seems to be an extremely vague statement. I like the idea of trying to be more like the woman I want to be one day at a time. That makes it more doable in my head. Thank you so much for your honest and kind advice, without any undue judgement. I really appreciate it. ❤

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That is honestly the best advise I think I have gotten to date. Everyone keeps saying "work on yourself" but when you're in my place, feeling kind of lost, that seems to be an extremely vague statement. I like the idea of trying to be more like the woman I want to be one day at a time. That makes it more doable in my head. Thank you so much for your honest and kind advice, without any undue judgement. I really appreciate it. ❤

I am very glad! Thank you for saying so.

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Although I never hooked up with my coworker (though I'm sure it could quite easily have gone down that route) my situation isn't that dissimilar to yours. As I said in a previous post, I am having to retrain my thoughts and actions. I now know that this guy is a womaniser too and I'm glad that things didn't go any further because it would have been a car crash of a union. I don't hate him .... neither do I want to hate him. I couldn't be dealing with all that negative energy. I am pleasant enough if our paths cross but I try my best to avoid him as opposed to previously where I would have done my best to bump into him. I just have to accept that he isn't what I thought he was and now I try to treat him the same as every other coworker. There was no emotional connection between us so it isn't that hard to be honest. It's just breaking a habit.

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I wanted to jump in here and defend the OP. Suggesting she was attention seeking and that was a turn off isn't entirely fair.

 

Maybe in this case he might sense she is trying to get his attention, but generally speaking I know when I have taken time to look my best men tend to shy away.

They look, but back off.

 

I may be fooling myself, but I think it's intimidating for some. When I am in my more natural state I guess I might seem more approachable.

 

Men are the best judge of that. I could be wrong.

 

But I didn't want people to shame her because she got cleaned up and he turned away. It could be for a variety or reasons, including him being insecure or intimidated.

 

Just a thought.

 

I wasn't shaming her at all, or else it would mean I was shaming myself too when I gave my own example lol. I was just stating some observations based on my own experience - that every time I wore something I thought of as 'hot' I didn't get that much attention, while on nights I wore casual stuff I'd get lots of it. Just a funny, odd fact. I don't think us women wanting to dress to look hot is something to be ashamed about, so no, I wasn't shaming the OP at all. I enjoy dressing hot and there have been numerous times I did so just to look good around a crush.

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I hope this doesn't sound too preachy or self-righteous, but I always strive to look my best .... some people (both men and women) may find it "hot" (or not) but that is not my intention.

 

I strive to always be and look my best, NOT to impress anyone else, but for MYSELF, because it makes ME feel good to look my best. It increases my confidence and esteem.

 

And when you feel good about yourself, carry yourself with confidence and esteem, naturally from within, you will attract others to you ....whether it's a guy you are crushing on or anyone else.

 

Honestly, I could not care less what others think about how I look. The only thing that matters (to me) is what I think, and if I feel good about my myself... ironically I have a greater chance of attracting others to me.

 

Because my confidence and esteem radiates from within, and that will trump "trying to impress" others any day. At least in my experience.

 

I have found when I make a special point of *trying* to look "hot" to impress some guy I am crushing on or just trying to impress others in general, my whole attitude is different.

 

People are usually unaware of their own attitudes in this regard, but others can sense it, and it sort of defeats the person's entire purpose of "trying" to impress in the first place.

 

I can certainly sense the difference between a man who is "trying" to impress me, and a man who generates confidence, and esteem from within .... and feels good about himself in general, naturally.

 

OP, thank you for your follow up post, that gives us a clearer picture.

 

Had you posted this from the get go, my guess is many of our responses would have been different.

 

Anyhoo, my advice is to forget trying to impress anyone. You have nothing to prove to anyone else.

 

The only person you have anything to prove to is YOURSELF.

 

Once you feel good about yourself, naturally, internally, from within, then even on the days you dress down, wear little to no makeup, etc, you will STILL feel good and WILL attract others to you.

 

Whether it's a man you are crushing on or anyone else!

 

Today I woke up with a red rash on the left side of my face! I have been drinking wheat grass juice every day, and my body is detoxing, causing some minor skin eruptions.

 

This rash on my face was a surprise! I never even had blemishes, even as a teenager!

 

Five-ten years ago, I probably would have called in sick, stayed inside, hiding from the world.

 

Today? I will tab a lil cover up on it, which may help a little bit, and carry on as I always do!

 

Wear a cute new outfit I bought over the weekend, and not let this lil ole rash on face bother me in the least!

 

Again hope that didn't sound too preachy, I have just learned a lot these past few years, and wanted to share!!

 

Good luck!

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Thanks guys. I agree, if you don't love yourself, you can't expect someone else to love you back. And when you surround yourself with positive vibes and film your life with the things you love you do attract the best friends and relationships that way.

 

I really took what Ithinkican said to heart, I've begun envisioning this amazing woman who is all the things that I would respect and aspire to be, and I want to try and make myself more like her each day. Today alone I saw results. I wore a simple professional outfit to work, simple makeup, and wore my hair flipped over to the other side to cover up the edgy short cut side. I made sure I got lots of sleep last night and I was super focused at work. I had a tough conversation with my boss that I had been putting off for a while. I got a lot of work done and I felt good about myself. I found some abandon estimate photos from a claim that "the guy" had left at the copy machine, and as I dropped them off at his desk I reminded myself... "neutrality", and imagined him like he was any other guy in the office. We had a pleasant exchange and as I was walking off he asked me about my weekend and my birthday. I just smiled and said it was fun, didn't say anything about his not going bc why bring it up? He mentioned something about it being so cold, and then said "we should go out sometime in a couple months when it's warmer. That would be fun." I'm assuming he meant as a whole group, but either way... I didn't freak out, or get all weird, I just smiled and agreed "yeah that would be cool" and walked away. And I felt kind of powerful in that weird moment lol. At the end of the day he really is just a guy, and there's so much more for me to focus on in that office that can benefit me more than him. Crushes suck, especially when you're an adult and in the work place. But I'm confident now that I will eventually get past It, whatever is meant to be will be. Thanks guys for all your advice. It really helped more than you can know.

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