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He ignores me when I look hot?!


Ivegonemad

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So I've talked in previous posts about the guy at work I hooked up with. I tried to forget him, dated another guy for a while. We've since split, and even though I'm trying so hard to resist it, the feelings for the work guy are coming back. Hard.

 

One weird thing I have noticed about him though...he completely ignores me on days when I look my best. Now I know that sounds ridiculous. But I work in a very close quarters office. Whenever I dress nicely, he avoids me all day. At first I thought it to be coincidence. But I've started to take notice, and there's clearly a trend. The days I feel like I look like hot stuff, the days I want him to talk to me, he avoids me like the plague. The days I come in to work and my hair is in a messy bun, I have last nights makeup on, he'll find any excuse, or blatantly no excuse at all to come over to my cubicle and chat. I don't get it. He does weird things that maybe only I would notice bc I'm super attentive to detail, but he always sits across from me at company lunches/functions. Again, at first I thought it was coincidence. But then I made effort to sit in places that would make it weird or hard for him to find a spot directly across from me ( like he would have to sit with non friends) and he still would sit right across from me. Even another coworker noticed it, and I said nothing. She also asked why he talks to me randomly about "nothing". Another stupid thing, but he always parks his car either right next to mine or directly across from mine. I know this sounds dumb, but again, I've at times parked in the far back of the lot, and he still parks close to me. (My admiration of his car was a big part of our conversation that lead to the initial hookup.)

 

I just don't know what to think about this guy. I went over and talked to him today since I felt like he avoided me all day. He literally sat there and giggled the entire time I talked to him. It was weird. In my heart of hearts I really feel like he likes me. But in my mind I feel like I'm crazy. And in my soul I feel like when I look into his eyes that I've known him for lifetimes. I've got it bad. Still. Help!

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Sounds like you are trying to "dress to impress" and he senses you are fishing for compliments and finds it a bit off-putting? Trust me, this type of thing comes off fairly obvious to all those around you, even though you don't think so. Just something to think about.

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Maybe he likes the "real/natural" you, not the "dressed" up doll. I am of that type who prefers minimal or no makeup and really dont like the fancy clothing. If you like to make up & dress nicely and he don't, maybe you are not a match. You should ask him exactly what you are asking us. Why don't you like when I dress up? Don't pain yourself more then need be. It will only impact you more down the road.

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Why are you trying to impress or get involved with guys.. from your workplace?

One of the worst places for the idea of involvement.

 

And as for this dude avoiding you when yer all purdy? Maybe he feels a touch overwhelmed.. like you're too good for him

 

Be yourself! Stop trying so hard.. to impress them all. You'll lose yourself in the end... if they dont like you for who you are.

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I told him I wanted honesty and the truth so that I could have closure. He replied and told me that it's because I have a child, he thought he was ready for a relationship with someone who has a kid, but has since realized he isn't, he "got scared

 

^^^^ That should be enough for you to stop giving him all this time and effort in your head ...your child is first ......he doesn't want to know because you have your child ...let that be reason enough to just move on with your life .

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^^^^ That should be enough for you to stop giving him all this time and effort in your head ...your child is first ......he doesn't want to know because you have your child ...let that be reason enough to just move on with your life .

 

I agree! Why are you wasting your time!!! He told you he doesn't want a relationship!!!! Shouldn't you listen!

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^^^^ That should be enough for you to stop giving him all this time and effort in your head ...your child is first ......he doesn't want to know because you have your child ...let that be reason enough to just move on with your life .

 

I was thinking along the lines of the others ...... that he prefers the messy bun look and not the dressed up look. But this snippet of information above tells a whole different story. Maybe he does like you in the same way you like him and therefore finds it hard to avoid you. However, he has chosen NOT to take things further for a reason that should be extremely important to you. There is no point in getting involved with someone who does not want to be around your child. i know it's hard but you are going to have to train yourself to stop thinking about him. I say that because I am in the same position.

 

I really started to like this guy at work. I'd often catch him looking at me but then he'd look away quickly when our eyes met. We would do this whole "eye dance" thing throughout the day. He seemed to walk by me rather a lot too. One day a colleague who he works closely with (and with whom I am very friendly) told me he liked me. Apparently she and a few others would wind him up a little about it. In time it became common knowledge that we liked each other, even though we still didn't really speak much. This went on for months and months and months. Then there was the work's Christmas party ..... I knew people were expecting us to get together. To be honest, so did I. In fact, I was only invited to the Christmas party (through my friend) because he wanted me there as I'm not a part of their team. Unfortunately, it all well horribly wrong. I was a little bit tipsy but I can remember that he had his arm around me at one point. However, he also had his arm around someone else at some point too. Stories about him and "those who had gone before me" started to circulate as well. Apparently he always has his eye on someone. Some woman (who I have since found out has always liked him herself) even went as far as telling me that he always goes for the "airheads". I wasn't sure how to take that. She did eventually add that I was too good for him and I'd be a fool to get involved with him but I think that was her passive aggressive way of telling me to back off as she left the "airhead" comment hanging around for too long before adding that. Oh I dunno, it all went horribly wrong. I was seeing and hearing things I hadn't been expecting and, at my age, I am beyond all this high school stuff.

 

It turns out he's a proper casanova (or at least he likes to think he is). I went home upset but realised, nevertheless, that I'd had a lucky escape. I still see him looking at me at work. I guess I'm still a challenge. He still walks by me .... tries to talk to me a bit more now too and, to be honest, I still feel "flutterings" when I see him but I know that no good would come of being involved with him for soooooo many reasons so I am literally having to retrain my way of thinking when I am at work and around him. I am trying not to make him the big focus that he once was .... and had been for a long time. I have to remind myself that he isn't the shy, quiet guy I thought he was. I try to avoid him at all costs now. It's the only way .... and it's what you need to do too. There is no point bringing someone into your life who will not be able to give you want you want. You have a little one to think about. You don't want guys floating willy nilly into her life and you don't want her to pick up on your angst should you end up involved with someone who may very well be flakey. Forget him! It's just not worth your emotional effort.

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Concerning the avoidance when you dress hot, I think it has to do with the vibe you put out when you do so, I can't really explain it but it's something that men sense and steer clear of. The closest example I have for you is back when I was going out with friends to a bar or something: every time I dressed in a way I thought was 'hot' and with the intent to meet someone, I got minimal to no attention from the opposite sex. However every time I dressed casually and didn't care about meeting anyone, I'd receive tons of attention and numbers. Go figure! Maybe men can explain this better than I can... But clearly the lesson is that you're better off being yourself and not going to great lengths to 'dress to impress'.

 

As for the other stuff, the guy sounds a little socially awkward and his actions and reactions are quite off-putting. My feeling is that you'd be better off letting go of this crush, as difficult as it may be since you have to see him at work often. If he really liked you and wanted more, he would have made it known in more concrete ways than just sitting across from you or parking by or across your car! It's not like he's shy, you already hooked up so I would like to believe if he was comfortable enough to let his penis go inside you, he should have no problem asking you out for a real date.

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Well that is my fault sorry , however it is all very confusing , you are jumping form one to another ...and I have now read back more and the best thing you could do for yourself is have some time out .. you say you got out of a long relationship and just reading your posts from the end of August you seem to be firing on all cylinders ..maybe making up for lost time eh and I don't blame you for that at all , but you do seem to be losing your perspective .

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In my opinion, he's probably very attracted to you he physically and has a hard time being around you when you're looking very well put together. Clearly he has issues coming to terms with his feelings (whatever they may be) and resorts to avoiding you which I just find completely immature. And as for dressing down for him, I disagree with all he other comments. You are NOT dating him at this point so feel free to dress as you wish and just don't pay any attention to his avoidance patterns, he's being ridiculous!

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Hiya bluey darling xxx

 

I am sorry to read that ...I want to read a proper romance from you one of these , I know I WILL xx Glad you got yourself out and realised you had to give him a miss .. we all have to learn to act on the red flags that are being waved in our faces .

 

Thank you pippy. Your words mean a lot.

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I don't get it. Do you have a calendar with different days marked to H or M for "dress hot" or "look like a mess?" Why not just be consistently professional and presentable?

 

I'm honestly not certain 90% of this isn't in your head, despite a vague comment from your co-worker. Assuming it's not, then you know his preference. And who's to say he has any idea you're looking "hot" for him? He simply may not want to compete or look thirsty in front of the office when you're gussied up.

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Unfortunately he may want to forget the whole thing and not reenter anything because of being coworkers. He may want to remain polite, friendly, etc at work but not have messy hookup situations again.

 

It would be best to get on some dating apps and start messaging and meeting men outside of work. Save the hot outfits for dates outside of work.

the guy at work I hooked up with. I feel like I look like hot stuff, the days I want him to talk to me, he avoids me like the plague.
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OP, when you get all dolled up, you are "trying too hard" .... men can sense that, so can women when men try too hard .... and it's a turn off.

 

It is also possible since you know you look hot, your attitude changes (cocky, look at me, how hot I am!) attitude....without you even realizing it, but they can. another turn off.

 

My advice is to stop trying so hard and just be yourself.

 

I always attract the most guys when I am not trying at all.

 

Hair in ponytail, baseball cap, jeans and T, some lip gloss and that's it!

 

All my boyfriends thought (think) I looked sexiest first thing in the mornimg when I just wake up!

 

Wearing his big shirt, hair a bit disheveled, no makeup!

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Concerning the avoidance when you dress hot, I think it has to do with the vibe you put out when you do so, I can't really explain it but it's something that men sense and steer clear of. The closest example I have for you is back when I was going out with friends to a bar or something: every time I dressed in a way I thought was 'hot' and with the intent to meet someone, I got minimal to no attention from the opposite sex. However every time I dressed casually and didn't care about meeting anyone, I'd receive tons of attention and numbers. Go figure! Maybe men can explain this better than I can... But clearly the lesson is that you're better off being yourself and not going to great lengths to 'dress to impress'.

.

I wanted to jump in here and defend the OP. Suggesting she was attention seeking and that was a turn off isn't entirely fair.

 

Maybe in this case he might sense she is trying to get his attention, but generally speaking I know when I have taken time to look my best men tend to shy away.

They look, but back off.

 

I may be fooling myself, but I think it's intimidating for some. When I am in my more natural state I guess I might seem more approachable.

 

Men are the best judge of that. I could be wrong.

 

But I didn't want people to shame her because she got cleaned up and he turned away. It could be for a variety or reasons, including him being insecure or intimidated.

 

Just a thought.

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I wanted to jump in here and defend the OP. Suggesting she was attention seeking and that was a turn off isn't entirely fair.

 

Maybe in this case he might sense she is trying to get his attention, but generally speaking I know when I have taken time to look my best men tend to shy away.

They look, but back off.

 

I may be fooling myself, but I think it's intimidating for some. When I am in my more natural state I guess I might seem more approachable.

 

Men are the best judge of that. I could be wrong.

 

But I didn't want people to shame her because she got cleaned up and he turned away. It could be for a variety or reasons, including him being insecure or intimidated.

 

Just a thought.

 

Very true it could be anything.

 

We are just giving our opinions, which I presume is why this thread was created.

 

No one has "shamed" her not from what I can see anyway.

 

But yah agree, we are not mind readers, impossible to know what's going on with him, like you said could be anything, including what you suggested.

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I wanted to jump in here and defend the OP. Suggesting she was attention seeking and that was a turn off isn't entirely fair.

 

Maybe in this case he might sense she is trying to get his attention, but generally speaking I know when I have taken time to look my best men tend to shy away.

They look, but back off.

 

I may be fooling myself, but I think it's intimidating for some. When I am in my more natural state I guess I might seem more approachable.

 

Men are the best judge of that. I could be wrong.

 

But I didn't want people to shame her because she got cleaned up and he turned away. It could be for a variety or reasons, including him being insecure or intimidated.

 

Just a thought.

It could be that I'm a guy who has about 5 work outfits in total for each day of the week, but I've never hard someone refer to themselves dressing nicely for work as "looking hot."

 

Also, this probably tipped Greta off a bit. "The days I feel like I look like hot stuff, the days I want him to talk to me..." provides a pretty solid case for a correlation there. I suppose it's a "chicken or the egg" conundrum, but I don't think it's an unfair assumption.

 

Also to note, it's very often the case that men will "back away" from a woman who's done herself up nicely because, frankly, she's being taken more seriously, particularly if we're talking a workplace environment. Dress like a professional, people will assume you're there to be a professional-- to work (not to judge casual get-ups as I pretty much don't know any other way for myself, but just to point out the impression). Consider the parallel when it comes to men. You go IT's bullpen and you've got a guy rocking jeans and a flannel and another clean shaven with a tucked in polo. Who are you going to consider more approachable? Again, there is the matter of who you may take more seriously, but if you're going to shoot the **** with one of them, most of us could assume which.

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I think more the guy was telling you no to a relationship for a reason dude. You can like the way someone is without actually willing to act on it. Maybe there is a major flaw in you, that's a deal breaker. I think in this case you need to do self-reflection and find the core of these flaws. I have picked up on 3 in you so far. Apologies if I see mean. Please let me reassure you that I'm more objective. I really do want you to take advice to work on yourself a bit. As the person you will hurt is yourself and any future partner.

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I don't know the back story. So keep that in mind.

 

To me it seems like a bunch of overthinking and no action happening. I used to overthink about men I liked or was with in my twenties. Now in my thirties, I see it as a pointless waste of energy to try and guess anything a man may or may not be thinking. If he wanted to date you badly enough he'd make that crystal clear. He hasn't and you aren't acting either - sounds like for good reason, if you are incompatible due to a child being involved - so why take up space in your head for conjectures?

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Try not to worry about his attention or actions, etc. Also don't strive to be the office femme fatale.

he completely ignores me on days when I look my best. The days I feel like I look like hot stuff, the days I want him to talk to me, he avoids me like the plague.
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It sounds to me like you and he don't see eye to eye on what makes an attractive woman. What is hot to you, as a woman, might be overdone to him.

 

I for one, don't really care for my wife's hair when she puts a lot of work into it. it's a work of art, for sure, but it's not "hot". Not to me. Also I definitely believe there is such as thing as too much makeup. Taste in clothing is obviously subjective as well.

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