I messed up big time :|

[rlhrobbie]

There’s a lot going on here and I hope I remember to mention it all.

I (30m) have been married for 6 years, to a woman(30f) who is the mother of two beautiful girls and a good companion. About 3.5 years ago all the intimacy in our relationship stopped, physical, emotional, conversational…you name it, I was never able to get an explanation. For about 6 months I worked really hard toward trying to fix that. I tried to improve our communication, make physical advances when it seemed appropriate, planned special things to do together. I was really trying hard to fix us, but eventually I gave up and stopped, you can only be shot down by your wife for so long before it starts to tear you down. This was my first big mistake.

After about 6-8months of this, things came to a head. After a week or so of fighting and having serious discussions about seaperation I made a mistake and slept with a girl(29f) I met. Obviously this was a wrong thing to do, and I regret it more than I ever thought I’d be able to regret something, and for so many reasons. To further complicate matters, she got pregnant. I expected my marriage to fall apart, but it didn’t really change. I guess she shut down even more so and we have conducted ourselves as if the other was “that roommate who isn’t that bad but you don’t really like” for about 2 years now. This has been going on for a long while now and it’s just a really weird arrangement. The girl I slept with (29f) is now the mother of my son. We have done our best to maintain a platonic, parental relationship, but that isn’t easy. She’s beautiful, charming, and attentative, a fantastic mother, and she has become more than my best friend and she’s one of the few bright spots in my day. She wants to be with me for real now.

I am still married, and that relationship has not changed much since any of this has happened but something has to change. I know that the simple answer is to divorce my wife, and to be honest I don’t fully understand myself why I haven’t. I think that part of it is that she hasn’t done anything that would warrant a divorce, I’m most certainly the one in the wrong…with both women. This has been going on so long that I barely think of her as a wife, more of as a roommate (believe me that that’s embarrassing to admit even to myself) I think that the thing that keeps me with her the most is my two girls that I had with my wife, the thought of not being there for them is heartbreaking, but then so is the thought of not being there for my son. I have started divorce papers more times than I can remember but never finished them because of this indecision. Also, leaving my wife for another woman is like, the most stereotypically trashy thing I can think of and I really never thought I’d be someone in this position. If I do decide to get a divorce I know that it won’t be “for” this other woman.

I know that since it's coming from me this probably doesn’t carry much weight, but this whole situation is out of character for me and I quite often can’t figure out where things went sideways and I got into this mess. I am struggling in just about every area of life because of all this,

So really I need to decide if I should leave my wife and probably get a handle on why I haven't yet. From there I can consider the possibility of something with (29f) if that’s how it goes however unlikely that may be.

Any help?

[mustlovedogs]

You did screw up, but your wife isn't blameless in this. She hasn't put any effort in to your marriage, and that is a reason to divorce. So is cheating. I think you have more than enough reasons, so if you want it, you should pursue it.

[Wiseman2]

You seem at risk for losing both of them. Your wife doesn't care and the other woman will eventually leave. No offense but cheating and having kids from mistresses is more "trashy" than doing the honorable thing and divorcing your "roommate".

 

What's the mistress/mother of your other child think of all this?

She’s beautiful, charming, and attentative, a fantastic mother, and she has become more than my best friend and she’s one of the few bright spots in my day. She wants to be with me for real now. leaving my wife for another woman is like, the most stereotypically trashy thing I can think of

[gebaird]

Your wife checked out of the marriage and never checked back in. How is that not grounds for divorce?

 

Of course cheating wasn't the answer, but neither is beating yourself up constantly -- to the point where you feel absolutely worthless. Maybe you are even punishing yourself by staying in a horrible relationship and saying no to a woman who could make you happy, because you feel you don't deserve happiness.

 

Getting a divorce doesn't mean you're a failure. It doesn't mean you are abandoning your children. By staying in this situation, in fact, you are giving your children a loveless and broken marriage as their example of what a relationship is supposed to look like. Perhaps the best way to show them how to live happy lives is to set an example for them by taking steps to be happier yourself.

 

I highly recommend talking to a therapist, if that's an option for you. It could help you understand your reasons for staying in this dysfunctional and irredeemable situation for far too long.

[rlhrobbie]

She has never pressured me in any direction. That being said, I know she has strong feelings for me. She has recently offhandedly expressed a desire to be with me in a more substantial capacity. She is ashamed of herself for being in love with a married man, and I am ashamed of myself for being in love with someone who isn't my wife.

 

to sum it up, she wouldn't ever say it but she imagines a future where we are together.

 

edit:

I'm not sure if it's evident, but that was a reply to wiseman2

[Wiseman2]

Wow and that doesn't bother you? Why stay in a dead marriage and allow the woman you love to live in shame and frustration for your sake? She could be your wife if you got divorced.

She is ashamed of herself for being in love with a married man and I am ashamed of myself for being in love with someone who isn't my wife.

[rlhrobbie]

Wow and that doesn't bother you? Why stay in a dead marriage and allow the woman you love to live in shame and frustration for your sake? She could be your wife if you got divorced.

 

It bothers me very much.

[Wiseman2]

But not enough to do the right thing by divorcing? What is your wife's stance on the mistress and out of wedlock child?

It bothers me very much.

[surfdiva]

Are you and your mistress, mother of your son intimate? I'd have to agree with what others have expressed. It sounds like your wife has done nothing to sustain a normal, healthy marriage. In my opinion you have every right to leave but honestly I wouldn't jump from one woman to another. Take some time to decide what you really want.

[agent1607307371]

I don’t fully understand myself why I haven’t.

 

I imagine it starts in Child and ends in Support.

 

Also, leaving my wife for another woman is like, the most stereotypically trashy thing I can think of

 

No, OP, you've already done the trashiest thing. You just don't want people to find out and judge you for it.

 

 

How old are your daughters, because my first thought on the lack of intimacy was PPD.

[rlhrobbie]

Well, it's generally known what our situation is. We are just civil when people are around and no one really sees the cracks in the relationship. I realize what I did was trashy, and I'm not at all worried about child support.

 

Mostly I'm struggling with indecision that has gone on way too long and gotten to the point where it's comfortable.

[RomeoOh]

Marriage is a beautiful thing. My wife left me after 13 yrs because we just weren't seeing eye to eye, and the last few months i loss my romantic side. We have 3 sons and she still left me for another man, And i still want her back thats how much i believe in marriage. The difference i truly love her. If you dont have that true love for her and you tried everything maybe thats enough grounds for a divorce. Marriage is from God. I would suggest you stay with your wife and continue to try to have a good marriage.. Ultimately, if your not happy you should follow your heart. Only you know what makes you happy!!!

[SophieGrace]

I agree with other posters that your wife checked out, and it's somewhat understandable you went somewhere else to find what you were missing. But to bring another life into the world in that situation? Jeez. Do you see the kid you had with the mistress? What does your wife say? I assume the kid doesn't come visit you. Man, I just feel for the kids on both sides in this situation. In my opinion, it's not about what's best for you - it's about what's best for them.

 

I suggest the first step is to go into couples counseling with your wife and see what is or is not salvageable. It's a tough situation, but it all has to be laid out and it sounds like you need a mediator. You need to visit your other child, and the wife will have to accept that, or it may not be as acceptable to her as it will be to the mistress having your original children visit you. You can't know until you decide to be honest and up front with both women and what you want. If you don't know what that is, or your wife won't go, I'd suggest therapy for yourself to help clarify that. It can also help figuring out how to provide emotional support and time with all your kids in the situation you created moving forward.

[rlhrobbie]

I agree with other posters that your wife checked out, and it's somewhat understandable you went somewhere else to find what you were missing. But to bring another life into the world in that situation? Jeez. Do you see the kid you had with the mistress? What does your wife say? I assume the kid doesn't come visit you. Man, I just feel for the kids on both sides in this situation. In my opinion, it's not about what's best for you - it's about what's best for them.

 

I suggest the first step is to go into couples counseling with your wife and see what is or is not salvageable. It's a tough situation, but it all has to be laid out and it sounds like you need a mediator. You need to visit your other child, and the wife will have to accept that, or it may not be as acceptable to her as it will be to the mistress having your original children visit you. You can't know until you decide to be honest and up front with both women and what you want. If you don't know what that is, or your wife won't go, I'd suggest therapy for yourself to help clarify that. It can also help figuring out how to provide emotional support and time with all your kids in the situation you created moving forward.

 

My wife and I have been to counseling, I had to drag her to these sessions, and there wasn't much if any progress made. I have considered counseling for myself because I think I need a neutral party to talk things out with, that's kinda why I'm on here asking about all this.

 

I agree that the main priority here is the children, and that's why there's such indecision on my part. I do see my son on a weekly basis, at least once usually twice for the entire day. My wife cannot seem to accept that I need to have a relationship with my son. When he was first born and in the months immediately leading up to the birth of my son my wife said she wanted me to not be a part of his life, and I tried to do that. But I simply can't not be part of his life, so I have been visiting him more and more. Not being able to bring him home is difficult, but to be honest I'm a little resentful that she wants me to have no part of his life. Whenever the day comes up that I'm going to watch my son she will completely shut down.

[Wiseman2]

If she were your ex, she would not be involved in that decision. Does your wife support you financially? What's the hold up?

My wife cannot seem to accept that I need to have a relationship with my son. When he was first born and in the months immediately leading up to the birth of my son my wife said she wanted me to not be a part of his life, and I tried to do that.

[lostandhurt]

You really are looking at this from your side and not from your wife's.

 

She is not happy and hasn't been happy for some time. You have betrayed her and got another woman pregnant.

 

Do you want your wife to be happy? If you do set her free from this loveless marriage so she can one day meet someone else and if she doesn't at least be happy on her own.

 

The gf is raising your child alone with probably no support so she is unhappy as well.

 

Do the right thing and free your wife from a terrible marriage and learn to be a great dad and man. After some time has passed and the divorce is all settled and you have all your stuff together then see what may happen with the gf.

 

During all this time be sure to support ALL your children.

 

Lost