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To return to solitude or to love again?


Keyman

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Six years ago, after a breakup of a not terribly serious relationship, I looked into myself and found that most of the unhappiness in my life revolved around my relationships with women. Whether looking for a woman, meeting one, being in a relationship, breaking up, to again looking for a woman. This cycle covers 20 years of my life where I had a couple of 5 year relationships and several shorter ones. While for parts of my relationships there was happiness, it would eventually devolve into this unhappiness cycle.

 

So, six years ago, and planning to go travelling, I made a decision to push all women and relationships aside to focus on myself and find my true inner happiness. That simple decision to move my relationship status from 'Single' to 'Solitary' changed my life. When I took my desire for women, intimacy and relationships out of the equation, I felt happier than I had in so many years. But this wasn't a short-term thing, I stayed happy. I didn't feel the need to pursue, even when the signals were obvious or downright blunt. My happiness was more important.

 

For the next six years, I traveled the world, learned so much about life, different societies and myself until six months ago I came to roost in London, the complete opposite of the world from my Australian origins. And the most important thing to me was that I was accomplishing things in my life, was still happy and had remained solitary.

 

But it wasn't set to continue in this way...Living in a shared house in London, I developed a crush on one of my female housemates. She is pretty, creative, has a large heart, and we seemed to click in important areas. She invited me out on NYE to watch her busk with her guitar, and that night I saw her true inner beauty. The walls I'd built around my heart came down, and I fell for her. There was a sweet ecstasy in that feeling, a feeling I had not sure I'd ever felt, even in my long term relationships of old. But along with it came the unhappiness, because at some level, I knew that she did not feel the same.

 

For the days that followed I avoided her as I deliberated over what to do. During that time I was totally unable to stop thinking about her. I'd even wake in the night and be unable to get back to sleep because of the thoughts. Yesterday I felt better talking to a male workmate and then a female housemate (there are 8 of us in this large house).

 

Today, I finally told her how I feel and was told that she was 'dead inside'. As I expected the rejection, there was not much hurt in it and being honest I did not tell her in the hope she might be interested, but to try to free myself of the unhappiness that seemed to be wrapping itself around my throat. She is planning to move out soon, which I knew about, so I doubt there will be any ongoing uncomfortableness. It's not a social house anyway, so we barely see each other. And to be honest, I'm glad it's out in the open and over...

 

But, this leaves me at in a strange place. Now, after being bottled up for the past six years in a self-imposed cage, my heart is free, has tasted love and wants more. But I don't know if I wish to pursue that again or if I should cage it again and get back to where I was happily heading before.

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You were unhappy with relationships before because you were never truly happy in your own skin to begin with - you probably "needed" to have a relationship to feel whole. Now that you feel fine on your own, if the mood strikes, I would definitely go for it. The rejection did not devastate you - you could have misread her intentions or she really, really is not up for a relationship at the moment. Mostly, dating roommates is seldom a good thing. That means you have grown immensely since you dated before. You just need to date women who are actually avialble to you (not a coworker, not a flatmate).

 

I think instead of being so philosophical about "removing cages" that you should simply just go about your day and be open minded about women and relationships. Join new groups to meet more people and go out for coffee or casual dates. If you meet someone who wants to see you again - great - if not, it was just coffee. But since you won't come across as desperate - its fine and okay

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