I'm afraid of wasting my time

[SereneOrchid]

I've been with my current S/O for over a year. I'm not in a rush or anything, I'm actually pretty content where things stand right now. I'm aware there's no guarantee in any relationship, no matter what, but I have a terribly tough time deciphering whether or not things are worth working through. I have anxiety and have been gaslighted in the past.

My biggest concern is that, when speaking of getting engaged in the future, he insists we travel to a specific country and stay for 2-3 months. He says he wants to do it there, so it'll be special. He's been there before and is sure I'll enjoy it. The problem is that I don't have the funds for the trip in the first place, nor can I get the funds to pay my bills for 2-3 months while I'm gone. I can't just quit a job and get another when I come back, jobs are hard enough to come by as is. I also can't put my schooling on hold. It feels irresponsible. He is an avid traveler and has done this sort of thing plenty of times. I have anxiety and the whole process makes me feel uncomfortable. My family would not even approve of me being away for so long with someone I'm not even engaged to, especially considering my health/conditions that make being away from my doctor for too long not a great idea. I can't see this trip being a possibility within the next few years, I have too much I need to get done.

He doesn't seem to want it any other way. There's no meeting in the middle. Nothing I come up with is good enough. If I protest, I just get criticized about how reluctant I am to do new things, or criticized about how I spend my money, or my job. Sometimes I'm even told I don't take good enough care of myself in regards to my health problems. It feels to me like he just wants to postpone it indefinitely.

It isn't enough to make me want to part ways with him. As mentioned above, I'm not in a rush. I'm enjoying how things are right now. I just worry that this issue will resurface years from now, and I will have wasted my time. I'm not sure I would ever be comfortable being away that long. Any advice?

[rosephase]

He sounds like a jerk. Someone who says "I'll propose if you do X,Y and Z" doesn't really want to propose. And he turns around and criticizes you because you, like most people, can't take 2-3 months off? Gross.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like he is not as serious about things as you are. You sound very incompatible.

 

His need to suggest this elaborate travel that you are not capable of doing suggests that as well as his other criticisms and general lack of interest.

 

It may be best to cut your losses. It sounds like he's stringing you along on many levels.

I'm 22 yrs old. He's nearing his mid-twenties and lives about half an hour away. I'm starting to contemplate whether or not it is worth it. I only see him on the weekends. It's difficult at times because I live with my parents, and he currently is helping his mother out, so he lives with her.We keep bickering and I feel like our relationship is deteriorating, which sucks.

[reinventmyself]

Sometimes people create huge obstacles as a means to prevent things from happening.

 

I recall my friend dating a guy for several years and wanting to get married.

 

He professed his love for her and loved the arrangement they had (he used her) and said

that he intended on marrying her but was insistent on wanting to move to another state.

Problem being, she has shared custody of 4 children with her ex husband. (and he knew this)

 

After some time it became apparently clear that this guy wanted to keep his convenient arrangement as it was and never intended on marrying her.

It created an impasse.

 

She finally saw through what he was doing and left him.

[zeino]

It isn't enough to make me want to part ways with him.

 

What is enough for you to make you want to part ways with him?

 

I'm not asking this to imply that you should break up or anything. But what are your emotional expectations from your partner? If he is fulfilling them enough so you enjoy being with him but also are worried about the future, where would you draw the boundary?

 

Have you shared your concerns openly with him?

 

How exactly did he react so he didn't meet you in the middle? (Without sounding super selfish given your circumstances?)

[SereneOrchid]

In regards to my older post, communication has gotten tons better and he is much more affectionate. We spend a lot more time together now. That is why I'm hesitant, as I toughed it out a bit longer before, and he realized and corrected his behavior. If I call him out on something, he will usually admit to his faults after processing it for a bit. It's hard to bring up this subject without sounding like I'm pushing a proposal, what I really want is just assurance that if it happens, it'll happen without me having to do something I'm uncomfortable doing. You're right though, if he can't change his mind on this, I'll have to cut my losses.

[SereneOrchid]

Really good questions. He is fulfilling my emotional expectations currently, and I am a pretty emotionally inclined person. I suppose if nothing has changed by two years in, I'll have to accept that it won't change and move on.

I have shared my concerns with him, but if feels like an unnecessary argument as we are doing fine otherwise right now.

I have offered to go and spend a few weeks, but no longer than a month. He responds that we are wasting money if we spend so much on a flight and don't stay longer. I have suggested we go on a trip somewhere in the country, he responds that it isn't the same as going out of the country. I figured if we went on a trip in the country, it would not only give him a special backdrop to propose (if that's what he actually wants), but it would be a good prelude to actually going on a trip abroad. I'm not against going on the trip, but I hate feeling like advancing our relationship hinges on it. It feels manipulative to me, and I've told him that.

[Wiseman2]

That's because that's what it is. At only one yr. and too young and both still living with parents is unrealistic and definitely rushing things. "Bringing this up" is looking for reassurances and as you can see it's backfiring because you are in no position to even be talking engagement, eloping etc.

 

Clearly he's sidestepping this premature conversation you keep "bringing up" by giving you very obtuse answers. Focus on the quality of your relationship and what you can do to improve that. Focus on achieving your career educational and financial goals and especially independence from living with parents before "bringing it up".

 

Try to reflect on why you are pondering if you are "wasting your time" and why he's jerking you around with non-answers like that. Also focus on his criticisms and why you allow this. If there is any merit to them such as not being financially responsible and still living at home and being way to young to talk marriage then think about that.

 

Marriage is not a light fluffy conversation to have after watching Disney movies when you haven't been on your own and have financial independence from your parents. Find better subjects to discuss and try to maturely solidify yourself and you relationship.

It's hard to bring up this subject without sounding like I'm pushing a proposal

[SereneOrchid]

He is living with his mother by choice. I could feasibly move out, but I am focusing on my career/educational and financial goals, or I would have already. I am wondering if I am wasting my time because the energy I am putting into this relationship (especially given the commute), could be redirected towards reaching my goals; the time I spend with him could be spent at a part time job. Getting back into school next fall will make things more difficult, but I will deal with things as they come. Aside from that, wanting reassurance that I'm not emotionally investing myself into someone who never wants to get married isn't pushing a proposal.

The discussion isn't even about marriage, it's about engagement. He was the first to bring it up, though I'm not sure why. Even if I were to get engaged, I wouldn't want to pursue marriage any time soon - not for years in fact. I don't even want a wedding either, so that time would be spent on making sure we're actually ready for marriage, not wedding planning. He is aware of all of this. He acts as if he would do it tomorrow if I got on a plane and went on this trip with him. Considering that such a trip isn't a good financial decision right now, it definitely won't be a good financial decision once I move out and have even more bills to pay. The trip, as he wants it, will likely never happen and thus, I fear, getting engaged.

[Wiseman2]

Yes this is never a good idea, you are over investing and over sacrificing . That only breeds resentment, especially at your age and with a peter pan kinda guy.

 

You should be doing what you mentioned with your time and energy, not clinging to a relatively casual bf so tightly. Dating men besides this guy would also open your eyes to what a healthy mutual relationship looks like.

my time because the energy I am putting into this relationship especially given the commute, could be redirected towards reaching my goals; the time I spend with him could be spent at a part time job. Getting back into school next fall will make things more difficult, but I will deal with things as they come.