Boyfriend has had a baby with someone else..

[Jb1xx]

So here goes; Me and my boyfriend have been together since April 2016. We started dating beginning of march and it was great he's lovely, very generous, very caring nothing I can fault him for. When we was dating he would take me out we spend every weekend together either alone or with friends socialising drinking etc.

At the beginning of April I was training to start a new job and I received a text from him saying he needed me to come to his house after I'd finished my training because he had something to tell me. Of course your mind goes into overdrive but I was not ready for the bombshell he was about to drop on me. I made him tell me before I seen him as I couldn't concentrate on my training with a million things running through my mind. Then come the text of "a girl I was sleeping with a few weeks before he met me was pregnant and she was keeping the baby" he was furious and upset that this girl had "trapped" him she told him she was on the contraceptive pill so she had lied. The girl wouldn't get rid of the baby as she had previously had an abortion with her ex boyfriend.

As you can gather I chose to stay with him even though it was quite early days for us through the 9 months of her being pregnant it was a struggle for me to come to terms with everything I was back and forth with anxiety and depression over it all and it was bizzare that my boyfriend was the father of someone else's baby.

I told him when he told me he needed to man up to his mistakes and be there for the child as the child is innocent in all this regardless of how he felt towards her.

He went to a sexing scan with his mum and her family - he was having a little boy. This day again was very hard for me to accept that he went to the scan.

I am very close to his mum and his dads side of the family and finally opened up to his mum about how I felt around a month before the girl gave birth she assured me he wouldn't ever get with this girl just because there is a baby involved and he assured me of this too along with his friends and family!!

The girl tried getting inner the family speaking to his mum on a regular basis whilst she was pregnant which annoyed me a lot as I felt like she was trying to take my place being his girlfriend.

With all the ins and outs it seemed as though she was jealous of me and him being together and did a lot to try and break us up which obviously hasn't worked.

The baby was born in November and my boyfriend was there at the birth waiting outside for his son to be born. Once she had gave birth my boyfriend when in to see him.

After that when the girl had got home he went up to her house around 3 times in the first week with family to take them to see the baby.

Since then he has had the baby every 2 days in a week. However this stopped after about 3/4 weeks of the baby being born.

I live with my boyfriend at his mums house and the girl wasn't happy that I was there when he had the baby at his even though I'd sit upstairs out of the way allowing him and his mum to bond with their child.

So again this created more arguments leading me to then meet with the baby mum and sort out any problems.

Since then my boyfriend has seen his son every 10-14 days or so because the girl is breastfeeding she keeps making excuses as to why he can't have him saying she "can't get enough milk out" or the baby is "poorly" my boyfriend feels he doesn't love this child because he can't seem to get a real bond with him after all we are only 21 and it's something he's never wanted. So to be forced into it has been a struggle for him but I admire is courage and I am proud of him for making the effort...

NOW FOR THE HARD PART.

When I know he is having the baby I can't help but feeling angry and jealous in a sense that he's spending time with him, I don't know if this is because he is newborn it's happened right in the middle of our relationship or what but now when I know he's having the baby like he is tonight as I'm writing this I try to get out the house by going to my mums or seeing friends to take my mind off it. It's difficult because I do want to be with him and I do want to be in his sons life eventually in a few months time but I can't help but feel the way I do. Im at a loss and I'm thinking of going to counselling to get help because I know how I feel isn't normal. I almost feel like I resent him in a way for it all.

I know my boyfriend is someone I want to be with I am happy with him but this is a testing time for me.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he should have been using condoms anyway to prevent stds so she didn't "trap" him, he wanted to go bareback.. Why are you living at his mother's house after just months of dating?

 

You need to continue to stay out of the situation with the father, mother and grandmother. Your bf has the right to see his child on a regular basis and he also is responsible for child support and other costs. This will go on until at least 18 and hopefully a bond with his child will be for the rest of both their lives.

 

You need to move back to your mother's house. It's clear you can't adjust to this no less live with it forever. Also he needs to attend to this right now not have a gf hanging around at his house for no reason. Where you asked to leave your own parents home?

 

He doesn't need a relationship and you don't need counselling. You need to move home to your mother and focus on school, work, your own future, etc. This is his problem to solve not yours and your presence there just complicates things for everyone involved.

Then come the text of "a girl I was sleeping with a few weeks before he met me was pregnant and she was keeping the baby" he was furious and upset that this girl had "trapped". I live with my boyfriend at his mums house. So again this created more arguments leading me to then meet with the baby mum and sort out any problems. Since then my boyfriend has seen his son every 10-14 days. I try to get out the house by going to my mums

[SherrySher]

If you feel you need counselling, then it's a clear sign you need to leave the relationship as it's affecting you badly and you're not married so no reason for you to be in this situation if it's going to impact your life to this degree. You are only 21 and this is his responsibility.

This is not the girls fault either, your boyfriend has a major role in this baby being created, he was very careless and he chose to have sex with someone he barely knew and to not even use protection. That's his downfall and no one else's.

This baby boy is now here, he needs as much love as he can get from both parents and if you are having such stress over it, it would be best not only for you but the baby as well, that you move on from this situation. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but if you're not married to this man and he did not cheat on you, it makes no sense for you to be this stressed over this situation like this.

[j.man]

[duplicated message]

[j.man]

He's awfully trusting. I'd wait for a DNA test.

[No1]

You need to grow up. You are 21 and you are acting like you are 12. You think this whole situation is to break you and your Prince of a BF up? Your BF was never 'Trapped' your BF is an idiot. He could of used a condom but he didnt, (thats he choice) and now in November, he and this girl had a son together and yet somehow this was because she doesnt like you? Do you honestly think she would carry another human in her body, raise a child just for the sole purpose to break you two up? You are selfish and full of yourself.

You do realize that this relationship that the girl and your Prince of a BF is going to be there for the next 18yrs right? Your Prince of a BF is going to have to pay this woman money, he is going to have to work to provide for his child. That means no money to go out.

So this drama isnt going to go away, in fact its going to get way wayyyy worse.

So why are you even in the middle of this? Why dont you have your own place? Why are you not living with your parents? Why must you be living with his mum? Why cant you and your Prince of a BF have a place of your own?

If you think the arguments are bad now... wait..

[ParisPaulette]

Here's what would make me leave, the fact that he is more concerned about your effect on the new mother than her effect on you. I'm sorry but this is too much drama and he is way involved for someone who "just got" a near-stranger pregnant. I get being involved with the baby, but he's involved with her and is hiding you to appease her? Yeah, I'm sorry but it's over.

 

This sounds like a losing proposition for you, not because of the baby - plenty of people have baby mommas or daddys and beyond just the kid there's little to no involvement - but because it's so clearly a priority with his family and for him, even if he says he's not that involved he is. And the relationship is just too new, and you are frankly too young to have to deal with all of this crap.

 

Your boyfriend also sounds massively selfish and clueless, not having sex using condoms needlessly exposes people to STDs as well, some of them deadly. And his behavior is showing that this wasn't as "casual" maybe as he claims it was.

 

I don't see how counseling will fix this, maybe it's time to move out and tell him to figure it all out without you. And you go NC and heal. And next time you just walk away the minute someone pops up and says "I accidentally got someone pregnant."

 

P.S. I don't think this girl "trapped" him nearly as much as he told you she did, but regardless at 21 you have the world ahead of you. He however will now be working to support that baby and is tied down, because yes the child is HIS responsibility. And you need to get clear of this and not let his lack of brainpower tank your future.

[qwaspolk82]

So here goes; Me and my boyfriend have been together since April 2016. We started dating beginning of march and it was great he's lovely, very generous, very caring nothing I can fault him for. When we was dating he would take me out we spend every weekend together either alone or with friends socialising drinking etc.

At the beginning of April I was training to start a new job and I received a text from him saying he needed me to come to his house after I'd finished my training because he had something to tell me. Of course your mind goes into overdrive but I was not ready for the bombshell he was about to drop on me. I made him tell me before I seen him as I couldn't concentrate on my training with a million things running through my mind. Then come the text of "a girl I was sleeping with a few weeks before he met me was pregnant and she was keeping the baby" he was furious and upset that this girl had "trapped" him she told him she was on the contraceptive pill so she had lied. The girl wouldn't get rid of the baby as she had previously had an abortion with her ex boyfriend.

As you can gather I chose to stay with him even though it was quite early days for us through the 9 months of her being pregnant it was a struggle for me to come to terms with everything I was back and forth with anxiety and depression over it all and it was bizzare that my boyfriend was the father of someone else's baby.

I told him when he told me he needed to man up to his mistakes and be there for the child as the child is innocent in all this regardless of how he felt towards her.

He went to a sexing scan with his mum and her family - he was having a little boy. This day again was very hard for me to accept that he went to the scan.

I am very close to his mum and his dads side of the family and finally opened up to his mum about how I felt around a month before the girl gave birth she assured me he wouldn't ever get with this girl just because there is a baby involved and he assured me of this too along with his friends and family!!

The girl tried getting inner the family speaking to his mum on a regular basis whilst she was pregnant which annoyed me a lot as I felt like she was trying to take my place being his girlfriend.

With all the ins and outs it seemed as though she was jealous of me and him being together and did a lot to try and break us up which obviously hasn't worked.

The baby was born in November and my boyfriend was there at the birth waiting outside for his son to be born. Once she had gave birth my boyfriend when in to see him.

After that when the girl had got home he went up to her house around 3 times in the first week with family to take them to see the baby.

Since then he has had the baby every 2 days in a week. However this stopped after about 3/4 weeks of the baby being born.

I live with my boyfriend at his mums house and the girl wasn't happy that I was there when he had the baby at his even though I'd sit upstairs out of the way allowing him and his mum to bond with their child.

So again this created more arguments leading me to then meet with the baby mum and sort out any problems.

Since then my boyfriend has seen his son every 10-14 days or so because the girl is breastfeeding she keeps making excuses as to why he can't have him saying she "can't get enough milk out" or the baby is "poorly" my boyfriend feels he doesn't love this child because he can't seem to get a real bond with him after all we are only 21 and it's something he's never wanted. So to be forced into it has been a struggle for him but I admire is courage and I am proud of him for making the effort...

NOW FOR THE HARD PART.

When I know he is having the baby I can't help but feeling angry and jealous in a sense that he's spending time with him, I don't know if this is because he is newborn it's happened right in the middle of our relationship or what but now when I know he's having the baby like he is tonight as I'm writing this I try to get out the house by going to my mums or seeing friends to take my mind off it. It's difficult because I do want to be with him and I do want to be in his sons life eventually in a few months time but I can't help but feel the way I do. Im at a loss and I'm thinking of going to counselling to get help because I know how I feel isn't normal. I almost feel like I resent him in a way for it all.

I know my boyfriend is someone I want to be with I am happy with him but this is a testing time for me.

 

Where do you live? In the US, when a child is born to unmarried parents the father has no rights until he legally establishes them. So in all reality she doesn't have to let him have anything to do with his child until he establishes his rights legally pursuant to whatever the laws are where you live.

 

First off - he should have or should still get a damn DNA test. How does he know that is his kid? She could be lying.

 

Also how did she "trap" him? He doesn't have to be with her at all. She didn't trap him into anything. He willingly had sex without a condom. Even IF a woman is on birth control that's not 100%!!! He should have used a condom just in case. I'm tired of hearing guys say "well she lied to me about birth control." That's what my ex husband said about his two oldest kids. The oldest is the result of a one night stand. Two hours in a hot tub. Bam pregnant. She was 17 and he was 19 at the time. But he didn't know about the son until he was 2 months old. A week after he found out about that - his now ex wife (but they were only dating at the time) says she's pregnant. He has never used a condom in his life from what he says. So he's the idiot who had two kids a year apart with two women and now he has four kids (that he knows about) with three women. Me, his other ex wife and the first baby mama.

 

Anyway - what your boyfriend needs to do after he gets a DNA test is get tested for STIs - and so should you. If he had unprotected sex with someone before he met you, how the hell do you know what he has?

 

If you can't handle him having a child with someone else you better just break up with him. Right now it's not about you. There's an innocent child who exists now because of the idiocy of his parents.

 

Oh and he doesn't "have" to be there for the kid. If he doesn't want to be a father - and he biologically isn't - he needs to walk away and spare that child the hurt and pain of having a father who doesn't want him.

[Wiseman2]

If he went to the hospital and was present at the birth he may have signed the birth certificate and may not be contesting paternity. They both seem to be standing up for the fact that he has taken on this role including visitation and voluntarily assuming paternity. No you don't need dna testing if neither contests paternity and in this case they are not.

 

"In many other cases, there is no argument between the parents, and paternity can be established voluntarily. Paternity may also be established by circumstantial evidence, such as when a man takes the child into his home and holds the child out to the public as his own. "

[qwaspolk82]

If he went to the hospital and was present at the birth he may have signed the birth certificate and may not be contesting paternity. They both seem to be standing up for the fact that he has taken on this role including visitation and voluntarily assuming paternity. No you don't need dna testing if neither contests paternity and in this case they are not.

 

"In many other cases, there is no argument between the parents, and paternity can be established voluntarily. Paternity may also be established by circumstantial evidence, such as when a man takes the child into his home and holds the child out to the public as his own. "

 

For his sake he better get a DNA test and make sure that is his kid. Otherwise he's going to spend 18 years taking care of someone else's kid if that's not. In most states you get like 60 days to contest.

 

Signing the birth certificate doesn't mean much. Actually I was the only one who signed my daughter's birth certificate. We were married at the time. I don't know if that mattered.

 

Where did you get that quote from? Most states the father has to sign an Acknowledgment of Paternity and yes often do this with the birth certificate. But then they have to go to court to get child support orders enacted and visitation enacted if the parents can't agree but I would recommend all unmarried fathers do this. They can do it informally but if they do HE will get screwed over by her because if there's no court ordered visitation she doesn't have to let him see the kid. If they agree on it now is one thing - the mother sounds like a nut so she could keep the kid away or say "he's not yours" someday. THAT is why he needs to have a DNA test NOW and make sure so he doesn't get his rights trampled on later if he IS the father.

 

Plus he should also get tested for STIs as should the OP. Some things you don't have symptoms ever.

 

It does really depend on the state you live in with regards to paternity laws.

[Batya33]

Many years ago I went on a date with a guy I had met at a weekend retreat. He told me his ex girlfriend (they dated less than a year) was pregnant and giving birth soon. He told me right off the bat so I would know (and he inferred that she tricked him -she was in her early 40s at the time but said he didn't want to outright accuse her, although he did not want to marry her). I thought I could deal with it but once the baby was born I couldn't -not because he was staying over at her house to help with the newborn but .... just because it was too complicated/complex for me to deal with at that time in my life and we were not yet serious. For what it's worth he has an amazing teenage daughter now, and from my understanding he really wanted to get married - he is in his early 50s, never married. I know part of it is because of all the complexities of being a single father with joint custody. It's a personal decision on your part and I can see where it's too much for you to handle.

[reinventmyself]

This is the hand you've been dealt. So it's up to you how you want to handle your part.

 

You either accept this complicated dynamic, which by the way is a life long dynamic and will only get more complicated as issues evolve

or you cut your losses.

 

Getting upset or insecure isn't going to change a thing. No one is going to help you with it either.

 

Unless you have nerves of steel and trust that you have a fully committed partner at your side to handle these challenges, then I might advise you move on sooner than later.

 

If you were my daughter, I'd tell you to hold out for a man and a family of your own. You are way too young to share.

[abitbroken]

Please leave the relationship. The mother of the child has every right to want to communicate with his mother (her child's grandmother!) and she should not be blocked because he has a girlfriend. You need to get out of their way - if he wants to be there for his child - he should. The best case scenario is he falls in love with her and they become a family. You have only been the girlfriend for a very short time if you started dating a week after she got pregnant and yet you are already living with his family??

 

Bow out and find a guy that is available, has no attachments like this. He needs to be their for his child fully - in presence, in support, etc, and if he is distracted because he is trying to placate his girlfriend by not seeing his son much - then that's a shame. If the mother's breastfeeding around the clock - then he should go to see his child at her place - instead of taking the child to his house to make the girlfriend happy. My cousin just had a baby on Halloween and she is nursing him every few hours still at certain times of the day, particularly when the baby is not feeling well. its not like the baby is 2 years old. A 2-3 month old infant should absolutely be catered to - instead of being pulled outside in the cold for the day just so the girlfriend won't have to deal with reality.