Please help. I'm confused and I don't know what to do

[lilibear]

Hi, I didn't know where to ask help from, and anonymity gives some sort of comfort, so I'll ask it here -- apologies if this is a bit long.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year. I didn't know we were going out when we did -- thought it was more of hanging out. When I realized what was happening, I was confused, but went along with it. I had my doubts as he would always talk about girls when we were going out. I had the impression that he was seeing a lot of girls at the time. Every screenshot he'd send to me included messenger bubbles on the side with profile pictures of girls. Two months into our relationship, I found that he had been sending screenshots of our conversations to his female friend, who then called me all sorts of names to which he agreed with.

 

We've had fights, once or twice a month, when I couldn't take things anymore. In all of our initial trips, he'd just sleep the whole day and wake up for sex, go out a bit (because I asked to see mountains) then go back to playing games. I'd sit there, waiting for him to wake up, or sit watching him play. I've expressed all these to him before, but he'd just stare at me, nod, and stay quiet. Whenever we argue he'd always tell me that it was the way he brought up, that he has always been like that etc.

 

It's not only the trips. Once, when we were out eating, he saw one of his female friends and hid from her because he didn't want to be seen and asked what he was doing there. I tried putting up with it, but he kept looking at her direction, as if tryjng to get her attention, and kept moving about. I couldn't take it anymore and walked out. He called me out for leanjng against a classmate in a class picture, and had accused me of having the capacity to cheat. He's my first boyfriend, and I barely talk to boys.

 

Before this relationship, I was at peace with myself. In the first few months, I was still able to spend tjme with ny friends, family, and myself. Now he eats up all my time. He still can go out with his friends, and spend time with other people while I'm stuck waiting again. My family have started noticing that I hardly spend time with them. My work and my law school have suffered, but then he'd tell me that spending an hour with me was the best he could and the way he shows his love for me (he works in an ad agency).

 

I have frequent bouts of depression, and have broken up with him many times but everytime I do, people around us tell me to get back together with him. Whenever we do, he complains that I was at fault. He made me promise never to break up with him again, and now I don't know what to do. I don't know if I still have a life of my own.

 

I have tried talking, but he tells me that I shouldn't talk about things with him -- that I have to talk it out with other people than him. But that months have made me more distant from other people and have made my time revolve around him

 

I don't know what to do. I need help. I am begging for advice. Please please please. I do not know who else to ask.

[Andrina]

Other people can't tell you what to do. You are the master of your own fate. Always do what's best for yourself. He's clearly unworthy of you. Read some books on bolstering your self esteem so that you will only accept worthy people in your life. Be strong. It's time to take the garbage to the sidewalk.

[bigsister00]

Hey there dude. It really does suck to hear he is acting that way. Those actions can definitely cut deeper than blades could ever. However relationships are also a life enriching experience. In other words is the trust broken between you and him, is the relationship worth saving at this point. I'm sorry for the blunt question but I want to gauge your feelings towards your relationship at the moment. Advice is tailored to a number of factors. Going past that,he does show signs of low self-esteem. is this correct?. I only ask because it is very hard to fix issues from low self-esteem unless the cause is self identified but it's not impossible. I would like to know more about him so I ascertain the root of the problem. However in my experience a trial separation would be best. I think he needs to spend some time on self reflection. Making it an ultimatum with list of things he needs to work on May be best and vice versa. There are 2 sides to every story. Being away from you will give space to know whether the same things are wanted. Please do reply if you have any questions as well.

[lilibear]

Thanks Adrina! Will try to look for books on self-esteem. Have lost mine along the way

[lilibear]

Other people can't tell you what to do. You are the master of your own fate. Always do what's best for yourself. He's clearly unworthy of you. Read some books on bolstering your self esteem so that you will only accept worthy people in your life. Be strong. It's time to take the garbage to the sidewalk.

 

Thanks Adrina! Will look for books on self-esteem, seems to have lost most of mine along the wayesteem

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Agree it's confusing whether you are in a 'relationship' or not. It sounds more like fwb. Even as fwb he treats you like garbage so it's unclear why you are participating in this.

 

You need to dump him asap. You are a sex toy and an emotional punching bag, why bother? And do talk to trusted friends and family about this disrespectful treatment.

 

Also get some counselling and sort out why you would tolerate this. Google and read up on "controlling relationships" and "red flags for emotional abuse".

My boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year. Every screenshot he'd send to me included messenger bubbles on the side with profile pictures of girls. he'd just sleep the whole day and wake up for sex, Whenever we argue he'd always tell me that it was the way he brought up, I have tried talking, but he tells me that I shouldn't talk about things with him -- that I have to talk it out with other people than him.

[lilibear]

Hey there dude. It really does suck to hear he is acting that way. Those actions can definitely cut deeper than blades could ever. However relationships are also a life enriching experience. In other words is the trust broken between you and him, is the relationship worth saving at this point. I'm sorry for the blunt question but I want to gauge your feelings towards your relationship at the moment. Advice is tailored to a number of factors. Going past that,he does show signs of low self-esteem. is this correct?. I only ask because it is very hard to fix issues from low self-esteem unless the cause is self identified but it's not impossible. I would like to know more about him so I ascertain the root of the problem. However in my experience a trial separation would be best. I think he needs to spend some time on self reflection. Making it an ultimatum with list of things he needs to work on May be best and vice versa. There are 2 sides to every story. Being away from you will give space to know whether the same things are wanted. Please do reply if you have any questions as well.

 

Trust would mend, then something would happen. I have always been totally honest with him, and would tell him everything I was going to do so he wouldn't think ill of anything. He never does the same, and I used to get a sick feeling in my stomach that he never reciprocated my efforts - mind, I never really intended to be in a relationship in the first place and am confused if this is how all relationships go - then one night he told me that he was just going out with his friend from college. A week later, while he was sitting beside me, when we were supposed to be watching a show, he was on his phone the whole time. When I turned to talk to him, saw that he was looking at a picture -- taken recently, with his friend and him and my boyfriend's ex girlfriend standing so close to him. That hurt deep

 

We talked about it - not without me crying etc. I broke up with him but then I was asked the same question by one of my friends: is it worth saving? And she also asked: do you love him? I do love him very much, and I keep doing everything to try and make things ok, but things always become my fault and he has a way of needling me with all the times I have had enough, making fun of it.

 

He claims he has issues, I try to help him out but I get so tired. I don't know if he has low self-esteem; he says that he has a false impression of his worth because everyone

keeps telling him that he's great. Maybe he has, but I don't know. I just really love him.

 

We've had several trial separations, and we talk afterwards but nothing really changed. All his behavior keep recurring, and he explains it all away. I try to just initiate talks but he has expressed that he didn't like doing this.

 

Thank you very much for the advice and for the insights bigsister

[lilibear]

Sorry to hear this. Agree it's confusing whether you are in a 'relationship' or not. It sounds more like fwb. Even as fwb he treats you like garbage so it's unclear why you are participating in this.

 

You need to dump him asap. You are a sex toy and an emotional punching bag, why bother? And do talk to trusted friends and family about this disrespectful treatment.

 

Also get some counselling and sort out why you would tolerate this. Google and read up on "controlling relationships" and "red flags for emotional abuse".

 

He tells me he loves me, everyday he does, and he keeps telling me that the hour he spends with me (squeezing it between his work, his friends, family, and things he has to do) is his way of showing he loves me. I feel like I'm the one being controlling by askjng him to at least acknowledge me and treat me as an equal

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you never had a healthy relationship or come from an abusive home and thus think this is 'normal'?

He tells me he loves me, everyday he does, and he keeps telling me that the hour he spends with me is his way of showing he loves me. I feel like I'm the one being controlling by askjng him to at least acknowledge me and treat me as an equal

[Iggy5129]

Your friend gave you bad advice. Love is not enough of a reason to be in a relationship with someone. This is not normal. Is this the life you want to live for the next 60 years??

 

Relationships are supposed to enhance your life and lift you up not drag you down. Break up with him and stay broken up. He's not nice and is obviously seeing other women which is why he doesn't want them to see him with you.

 

See in a normal relationship a guy is proud to be seen with you and introduces you to his friends. He doesn't hide you and use your for sex only in between video gaming sessions.

 

Get out, reflect and heal and then find a good relationship. You are going to be so surprised when you realize what a relationship is really supposed to be like.

 

This is your life. Listen to your gut not some friend who obviously has no idea about healthy relationships.

[lilibear]

It sounds like you never had a healthy relationship or come from an abusive home and thus think this is 'normal'?

 

This is my first relationship, and my family life's stable. I keep trying to get out but whenever I talk to people, they tell me to talk to him and get back with him. I was almost out, and was over it, but then he talked to my best friend who then talked to me and somehow we ended back together.

[lilibear]

Your friend gave you bad advice. Love is not enough of a reason to be in a relationship with someone. This is not normal. Is this the life you want to live for the next 60 years??

 

Relationships are supposed to enhance your life and lift you up not drag you down. Break up with him and stay broken up. He's not nice and is obviously seeing other women which is why he doesn't want them to see him with you.

 

See in a normal relationship a guy is proud to be seen with you and introduces you to his friends. He doesn't hide you and use your for sex only in between video gaming sessions.

 

Get out, reflect and heal and then find a good relationship. You are going to be so surprised when you realize what a relationship is really supposed to be like.

 

This is your life. Listen to your gut not some friend who obviously has no idea about healthy relationships.

 

I thought that I was wrong in thinking that this is not something I see myself having to deal with every single for the next few years. I'm already tired and it's only be one year, and despite numerous talks, he refuses to change.

 

My family found it strange that whenever my boyfriend and I go out on trips, we hardly go to a lot places, just stay in the room and go out for food. Is being too controlling to ask him to make the effort to wake to a bit earlier, and for us to go around? He keeps telling me that all he wants to to do is sleep and eat when we go out of town, and I get stuck just going along with it. I've told him that I like walking around, exploring; he'd say he acknowledges it but we end up doing what he wants (somehow I always feel that if we end up doing what I want I'm being too controlling)

[Wiseman2]

If your "friends" advise you to stay in a relationship with a jerk who treats you like trash then they aren't good or smart friends. It up to you to get out not them, don't make excuses. Don't blame them for your choices.

 

If you have extremely low self esteem and allow this, then get help. You don't 'somehow' get back together, you choose to. of course he wants you back, you act like a sex toy and require nothing.

 

Are you sure you don't come from a home where your mother is treated like a servant and dirt? Because it's odd this arrangement you have with him seems remotely ok to you.

This is my first relationship.whenever I talk to people, they tell me to talk to him and get back with him. somehow we ended back together.

[bigsister00]

Hey dude/Lilibear/Lili

 

Thank you very much for you reply and thank you for reading my post dude. Right I've got some psychology knowledge and it sounds like a personality disorder like NPD. This condition is usually paired with low self-esteem in the way you explained. It can be very problematic. It would explain why he is so popular. It is very common for people with this to be very objective and get respect by pointing out things from others. They can be very enigmatic and manipulative. They tend to have higher IQ as well which is scary but this is largely directed towards logic. However this is a spectrum thing a lot of people just have normal IQ and severe learning difficulty. Mostly affecting social interaction. Haha Sheldon from "big bang theory" maybe. Does this sound familiar about him to you?

 

So never mind dude, I think and you probably do it's for best to stay separated. You never really stop loving your ex but just love your next partner even more. That's a positive right I suggest taking some time or quite a lot of time to yourself dude, to get over all this and be ready for next relationship. ^_^ My last relationship was awful because I ran into it, take your time. However long that time is. I don't know maybe it's tomorrow. You're ready when you're ready.

 

Kindest regards and much love dude/Lili