Girlfriend of 2.5 years led me on and blindsided me

[jw154]

Hi,

It's been a month since my girlfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me. I'm in a weird spot right now emotionally and I don't know how to deal with it. This is going to be a long post:

 

We never had sex and I'm still a virgin at 23 years old. Both of us were really shy when it came to anything sexual. We lived farther away and only saw each other a couple of times a month, and being alone together was hard with parents/siblings/roommate around, so just going out on dates and cuddling together while playing video games was good enough for us. She also suffered from anxiety and depression, but I knew how to work with her and it wasn't a big issue in our relationship.

 

We got along really well and never fought, and she was also one of my best friends. She set me up with a well-paying job with her parents and I moved into a house with a couple of her friends a few months back. Our parents met each other's parents and got along, and I was there for her when her cat passed away. I really thought we'd be together for a long time.

 

Our sex life never really became a concern until after the first year. After we sat down and talked about it, she said that it was her depression making her feel sex repulsed and that it wasn't me or anything. She said she needed more time for those feelings to develop for me, and I told her it was okay and I would wait for her for as long as she needed.

 

Another year went by and she started wanting to be alone more and more because her depression was getting worse (stressful year of school), so we only saw each other every other month or so, but we continued to talk to each other every day. We started getting more comfortable with each other talking about sex, and I told her I was a virgin when she finally asked about it. I was really embarrassed but I trusted her, and she reassured me over and over that it was okay. We made plans for her to spend the night at my new place for the first time, and we were going to spend the day together that Saturday.

 

When she came over that Friday after work we hung out with the roommates and watched stupid Youtube stuff, I brought home food, and we were having a really good time.

When the night started dying down, we ended up in my room while everyone else was getting ready for bed. The minute we were alone on the bed together and the lights went off, she blindsided me with a breakup.

 

She gave me the typical "It's not you it's me" speech and said she couldn't handle a relationship because she wanted to be alone, while I was trying to proccess what was happening. When I asked why she had to lead me on and lie to me like that, she started to cry and ran out the door. That was the last time I saw or talked to her, she blocked me on everything right after.

She didn't even say goodbye and it all happened in under two minutes.

 

It's been a month and I still can't stop thinking about her and what happened. I cried and slept for a few days after the breakup, but right now I just feel really empty and tired about everything. I don't have the energy for anything besides work and sleep and none of my usual hobbies are keeping my interest anymore. I can't stop thinking about her at work when I see her dad and I can't stop thinking about her at home when I see my roommates.

 

I'm losing my patience with people more easily (I snapped at my brother over Christmas break and hurt his feelings) and I feel like crying over stupid things like small mistakes at work. People keep telling me to work on myself after a breakup, but I just have no drive to do anything right now. My self esteem is at an all-time low and I feel absolutely disgusted with myself when I look into a mirror.

Worst of all, casually talking about sex with people or even being near girls my age makes me want to crawl in a hole and die. I feel physically uncomfortable about sex now, it's like this gnawing pit of dread I feel in my stomach.

 

I don't know what to do or how to heal from this. This was my first relationship, and I don't know if I can trust anyone else like I trusted her. This virgin situation is beyond embarrassing for me and I don't feel safe talking about it with anybody I know. The fact that she left right after she found out that I haven't had sex, and that she didn't have any problems with her sex life until I came along is killing me on the inside.

 

Is this something that time will fix? I'm scared this is going to only get worse. Would a therapist visit be worth my time and money? How do I get over my sexual insecurity and be comfortable around girls again when I have no experience?

I'm still hurting a lot from this and I think any advice on how to move on would really help.

Thank you, and sorry for the long post.

[Hollyj]

JW, I know that it is difficult to not feel betrayed, due to the length and connection with her.

 

I do not believe that she ended it due to your virginity. You said that the depression had worsened and that she had stated that she was repulsed by sex. This had nothing to do with you, but everything to do with her mental state.

 

I highly suggest that you force yourself to get out, so that you can try to move on from this situation. I also suggest that you heed red flags in the future, and seek someone that is on the same page.

 

I also suggest that you block this girl, as I would be surprised if she tries to reach out. She will bring more pain, if you allow her back into your life.

 

I think that if you have a connection with a girl, she will not care that you are a virgin.

[No1]

Yes, go see a professional about the sexual insecurity. Was this a religious belief? Did you want to get married first? Find that one special girl, just not confidence in yourself, dont think you can please a woman, cant get it going?

Remember.. its not a bid deal unless you make it a big deal. Nothing wrong in being 23 and a virgin. So get that out of the way. And the easiest explanation I can give you is that this girl just wasnt meant to be with you. The reasons dont matter because they could change from day to day. You are going to go crazy over thinking it. So just accept that she just wasnt meant to be with you. Boom.. done deal.

From what you said, there were signs that the relationship was doomed. While I was reading your post, I was thinking this girl was not really ever your GF, but just a friend. Anyway..

I think seeing someone is a good start for you and not a waste of money. If you have insurance they can possibly pay or maybe the job you work at has an EAP that you can look into.

This girl was just not the right one for you... its that simple. You need to find someone who is more aligned with your beliefs.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this happened. But it's a blessing in disguise. She was just too troubled and holding you back from healthy girls and relationships...Her aversion to sex and relationships was just not a good thing to deal with. She needs therapy, not a relationship.

She also suffered from anxiety and depression. she said that it was her depression making her feel sex repulsed. She gave me the typical "It's not you it's me" speech and said she couldn't handle a relationship because she wanted to be alone

[Vastaux]

Honestly you tried to hang on and fix her and eventually she made the best call for.both of you. She sounded too troubled for 1 person to be able to help, she sounds like she needs serious therapy to help her. On the other hand you sound like you're progressing with life, she has done you both a favour.

 

In terms of being a virgin at 23, don't sweat it, someone I know was a virgin untill 29 and now in a loving commited relationship with plenty of sex... The person they are with doesn't realise they were a virgin beforehand.

 

Just keep looking forward, looking at yourself, heal and improve who you are. Time will heal the trust issue.

 

All the best.

[luisannalui]

Okay. Let's say you both have done sex, than what would have happen after that? she would have still be on depression and you would have feel more connected and obligated to be with her. People that are on depression and doesnt do anything to move out of it tend to drag others to their illness. When you are in a relationship you are not supposed to feel concern, worry,afraid- you are suppose to feel happy and if something wrong happens as her depression, you motivate that person to go to counseling. Listen, she did a favor to you. Focus on yourself and start doing all of the activities you did before and also start new ones. Oh, and if you did wrong with your brother you owe him an apology. And NO it wasn't because you are a virgin.