Possible confirmed bachelor... He can't commit ...need advice...

[Torn102]

Hi I've never posted on an online forum but really need some solid advice so here goes:

In April 2016, I met a great guy online. He is 47 and I am 43. I live in NJ and he told me he lived in Boston. I was reluctant to get into something long distance at first but he assured me he was in NYC a lot and getting together wouldn't be a problem and to give it a chance. He was really sweet and I agreed. We corresponded for two months before meeting up in June 2016. It was so comfortable and great from the very first date. We had a lot in common and enjoyed spending long weekends together. We developed a pattern of getting together roughly every 4 weeks for long weekends. I went to Boston once and the rest of the time he traveled to NYC. I met his friends and things just seemed to flow. We had a very playful and easy relationship and our chemistry was fantastic. After about three months I asked if he was still on the dating site and he said no. Lo and behold I came to find out that he was still on there. I confronted him and he assured me he would remove it. Fast forward two more months and my friend advised me he was on there again. He told me he only goes on there when he's bored and that it's not a big deal. Still it bothers me. He assures me he isn't seeing anyone else. Throughout the past seven months I have brought up if he wants to be in a serious committed relationship and he seems wishy washy about it. He doesn't really give a straight answer and tells me he "isn't good at this". By way of background he treats me very well. He is respectful and kind. Over Xmas he met my entire family and bought me thoughtful presents and treated me to a beautiful weekend in NYC. He puts in the effort to travel to me and is loving when I am upset. He doesn't have a mean bone in his body. However I need more. I had a serious heart to heart with him this weekend where we were both crying and he says he was hurt in the past is afraid of commitment and cannot express his feelings well. I told him I need to know where I stand with him because I cannot continue if this is a dead end for me. He agreed and asked for a week to think. Friday will be a week and I'm scared to hear what he has to say. During our heart to heart I told him that I want him to be happy with or without me and that I would never hurt him the way he was supposedly in the past. He cried and told me I made him think and that he needed to process a lot. I don't know if I'm wasting my time. I don't want to get in deeper and get hurt myself. Him not taking his dating profile down is also of concern to me. In a way I feel insulted that after seven months of getting to know each other and spending quality time together he does not take this relationship as serious as I do since he has to "think" about if he can be committed. I adore him and wish this would work but I'm not feeling hopeful and losing my self confidence.

[annie24]

Welcome to ENA. I think part of the reason he specifically got into a long-distance relationship (LDR) with you was because you are far away and he doesn't have to be a "full time boyfriend" to you. It's nice to have a romantic weekend once a month and then not a lot of in person contact in between. A lot of people who avoid commitment do things like that (either get into LDRs or date married people). I think you should just break it off clean and move onto a guy who is serious about getting to know you and be your boyfriend.

[notalady]

He sounds like he has some serious emotional baggage and afraid of commitment. This is evident by his wishy-washyness about making this a serious relationship, his choice to remain active on the online dating site (usually I would say the guy is still dating others, but in this case, I get the feeling that it's just a way for him to feel "safe", feel like he has other options and can move on at anytime, in other words, another way to not feel committed), and even his choice to date someone long distance and can only see once a month, is a sign of him not wanting a commitment.

 

You are right in how you feel about the situation, after 7 months, this needs to be "s**t or get off the pot" to put it crudely. So... I think you either realise that this guy has too many emotional issues to maintain a healthy serious long term relationship, or if you really want to try, tell him outright that you are either fully committed to each other right now (no more deferral), or you are moving on.

 

By the way what's his relationship history, has he been married before or had serious long term relationships?

[Someday_Soon]

So we have two red flags. One is that he is hesitating to commit to you after having enough time (in my opinion) to get to know you. And two, he outright lied about his dating profile being active. Generally, when asking your significant other whether or not you want to get serious, ANY answer other than yes is a "no". I would prepare yourself to move on quickly.

[Scoe141]

At 47 he shouldn't be playing games. Throughout the past seven months I have brought up if he wants to be in a serious committed relationship and he seems wishy washy about it. He doesn't really give a straight answer and tells me he "isn't good at this". This comment makes me believe that either he is an extreme introvert with zero dating experience or he's blowing smoke. I'm betting on the latter.

 

Clearly he wants a no strings attached casual relationship. If you're looking for something more meaningful to you, then like annie said, it's probably best to break it off.

 

Good luck.

[Hollyj]

I'm sorry, but there is no future with this guy. He is stringing you along.

 

The fact that he is still on the site, shows that he is still dating others - no one goes on dating sites because they're bored. He also needs time to decide if he wants you. NEVER wait around for someone to decide that they want to be with you. You deserve a hell of a lot more.

[Torn102]

Thank u so much for the responses. I agree that it is starting to seem hopeless. his dating history that I know of is that he dated someone seriously about 15 years ago and they purchased a home together. Two months after moving in they broke up and he bought her out. Second he dated a girl from 40 to 45 and broke up with her. He told me he stayed a year longer than he should have and that she was upset because she felt he wasted her time since she wanted children. That concerned me but he told me he left because she was not the right one. He has never been married at 47 and has no kids but says he would like them "someday"

[Torn102]

Thank u so much holly. I agree that it stung to hear him say he needed time to "decide". I am a good woman with a lot to offer someone and I feel crushed

[melancholy123]

I think he was pretty straight with you when he said he didnt want a serious relationship. You seem to want what he isn't prepared to give to you. So you need to decide if you can live with this or not. If not, you should break up with him before you get in any deeper.

 

Also, I dont believe he's feeling bored and then going on dating sites. I think he's lying to you about that.

[Torn102]

Yes Annie - agreed! I feel like he is happy I am in another state as it gives him an easy out. When we leave to go home after our weekends together I am crying and missing him so badly. He goes back to Boston and back to his daily thing and doesn't seem to feel as sad. I chalked it up to him being a "guy". But it feels like I care more

[notalady]

he dated a girl from 40 to 45 and broke up with her. He told me he stayed a year longer than he should have and that she was upset because she felt he wasted her time since she wanted children. That concerned me but he told me he left because she was not the right one. He has never been married at 47 and has no kids but says he would like them "someday"

 

I'd been concerned too about his alleged "wasting her time" given his current behaviour, it seems to be his MO. I wouldn't be surprised he was non-committal with her as well (maybe regarding marriage and kids).

 

If at 47, someone is saying they want marriage and kids "someday", rather than "now", I think chances are low that he actually genuinely want those things.

[Torn102]

I think he did in fact waste her time. And then couldn't pull the trigger to marry her. He truly is not a bad person but I need to look out for myself. I am 43 and not 23. I'd like to find the person I am supposed to be with. He basically tells me to enjoy the time we have together and see what happens but my women's intuition says it's starting to look bleak for us long term. I want him to want it like I do. And it seems he's just too afraid which is sad because I treat him so well.

[Glitterdreams]

I think if he was genuine he wouldn't lie about his profile. I do think that that in itself is probably part of his issue with commitment. I myself have commitment issues so I know what he's facing. The sad thing is if he doesn't want to make an effort to commit or decide he wants you, to be honest, I think you'll just end up getting hurt. I've learnt wishy washy men are the most likely to cause pain as you hang by a string. I know it's hard where feelings are involved, always easier looking in than out.

[Torn102]

I'm so appreciative of all of these responses. Thank u! Yes I do feel like he has me going from month to month with no real answers. Every time I bring up where we stand he tells me let's discuss things more next month. I can't continue like that and keep my sanity. I do think he cares for me and enjoys my company. He is generous with me and kind. But I want to be the only one and it seems he cannot or will not be able to do that. I'm curious what his decision will be on Friday. I am afraid of my reaction. I don't want to cry.

[annie24]

I'm so appreciative of all of these responses. Thank u! Yes I do feel like he has me going from month to month with no real answers. Every time I bring up where we stand he tells me let's discuss things more next month. I can't continue like that and keep my sanity. I do think he cares for me and enjoys my company. He is generous with me and kind. But I want to be the only one and it seems he cannot or will not be able to do that. I'm curious what his decision will be on Friday. I am afraid of my reaction. I don't want to cry.

 

you can make the decision yourself that you do not want to be jerked around anymore. Like a previous poster said, any reaction that wasn't an immediate "yes" is actually a "no."

[notalady]

Regardless of his decision now, even if he decides that he wants to get serious with you, I suspect it will be another non-committal situation years down the line when it's time to talk marriage, much like that experienced by his last gf. It may always feel like pulling teeth when it comes to commitment for him and you may always have an imbalance of emotional investment due to his tendency to stay uncommitted (therefore less invested).

 

I would say don't wait for his decision, decide on what YOU want, whether this is the kind of person you see yourself with in the long term. In my opinion, the con outweighs the pro. I mean, honestly, there are many people out there who are kind and genuine and DO want the same things as you.

[annie24]

Yes, and let's face it - at 43, you don't have years to wait on him to decide if he is ready or wants kids "someday." if you want children, then this man is a bad bet. I know many older couples who married rather quickly because they 1) decided they wanted to be together) and 2) they wanted to have a family and there was no time to waste. It can happen for sure, just I highly doubt that it will happen with this man.

[Hollyj]

Thank u so much holly. I agree that it stung to hear him say he needed time to "decide". I am a good woman with a lot to offer someone and I feel crushed

 

I'm sorry. You do sound like a loving and compassionate woman. You need someone that is emotionally healthy and wants to share a future with you.

 

Please be done with this guy. I can guarantee his type always comes back, but nothing will change, it will only hurt worse.

 

Don't waste anymore time and be done. Then block this guy.

[Torn102]

I know I deserve more. I think I posted on here to get the push I so needed.

[Hollyj]

I know I deserve more. I think I posted on here to get the push I so needed.

 

I also suggest someone local, so that you can have regular interaction.

[BeeCee]

Is having children something that is important to you?

[Torn102]

I guess at 43 I kind of gave up on the real possibility to have kids. Although not impossible it just seems like that ship may have sailed

[KantSleep]

Well, see what Friday brings and go from there. It's only a few days away...

[BeeCee]

It's not impossible to have kids at 43 by any means. (Abortions by 40 plus women are on the rise as they assume they don't need contraception!).

 

But in a way, it's rather liberating if you have reconciled yourself to the possibility that kids are off the table (regardless of the relationship). It takes the pressure off having to make it work with the person you have already invested 7 precious months with, and allows you to be uncompromising in what you want in a fulfilling relationship.

 

I don't think this guy is playing you, it sounds like he is genuine. But I also don't think the two of you are compatible - staying in this relationship will likely lead to continuous disappointments and heartache. There may be days when there appears to be a glimmer of hope, when he may be persuaded to say something resembling commitment, but you will always be the one pushing and hoping for more while he resists and feels guilty for not being able to give you more. Please bear this in mind, even if Friday turns out to be encouraging.

 

I'm really sorry to say this because you sound like a really together person with plenty of good stuff to offer. So I hope that I am wrong. Please let us know how Friday goes and we can go from there.....

[Torn102]

Thanks beecee. I have a feeling you are right also. I worry it will always be me wanting more than he can give. I will definitely update as to what happens on Friday. This anxious feeling in the interim is awful. Waiting to hear what he wants to do has made this week hell for me. I wish I was stronger. I know some women who wouldn't tolerate this nonsense for a second.