Tried to date my best friend?

[I messed up]

Hey guys,

 

This isn't necessarily a "break up" but it sure feels like it. I don't want to give too many specifics due to the small but I guess possible chance she reads this and realizes its her. We're in college and had been friends for about 2 years. We've always just been really, really good friends. We get along better than anyone I have ever gotten along with; we have remarkable chemistry. Naturally, I started falling for her a few months ago. It was very gradual, but it has become full blown. She has extremely high praise for me. She thinks I'm very intelligent, funny, attractive, how caring I am for her, how easy it is for her to get along with me among other things. We're great for each other; except she doesn't feel the spark. There is a certain culture she is attracted to and I am unfortunately not a part of it. I just don't do anything for her. The thing that gets her going just isn't in me. It doesn't matter to her that I have literally every other great quality she could possibly find in a person. She told me I'd make the perfect boyfriend. We had a LONG 4 hour talk we're we basically said how we felt. This isn't analysis these are her words. This wasn't a time for her to exaggerate and make me feel better. This is how she genuinely feels.

 

The problem is when I like a girl and she doesn't like me back, or after a break up with an ex I block them out of my life, hate them, and move on. Its unhealthy but it works great. I don't miss any of my ex's. Heres the problem: I don't want to do that to this girl. We're amazing friends and I can truly see us being friends for a very, very long time and I don't want to lose our friendship. I've already accepted the fact we will NEVER be together. Except for the 1/10000 chance in about 10 years. She said I'm perfect for her in 10 years whatever that is supposed to mean. Maybe when her phase stops being a phase and she moves on from that culture? I don't know.

 

What can I do? The thought of her being with someone else hurts, and the pain of knowing we'll never be together hurts just as much. This isn't one of those, "oh we'd be great for each other!" delusions. I've known this girl for a while and me liking her was a very slow process. I truly, without a doubt know in my heart IF she was interested we would have a phenomenal and healthy relationship. I'm not crushing on her.

 

I guess what I'm really asking is she'll never date me, I know that, and eventually she will hook up/ date other guys and that will hurt. If I keep feeling bad I'll have to cope with it the only way I know how which is to cut her out of my life. But I definitely don't want to do that. She's my best friend. I don't want to hear, "there is other fish in the sea". I can get another girlfriend I'm sure, but in my 20+ years of living on this earth I've never connected with someone on such a deep level and I'm honestly the type of person that hates most people. I don't know why I just don't like most people. She was truly special to me. Few and far between.

 

I'm damn near certain I want to keep our friendship. But I am afraid the minute I find out she slept with someone or shes casually dating someone I'll go crazy, emotionally. I'll have no other outlet to stop the pain and I'll cut her off. I don't want to do that. By the way, She knows all of this. And she agrees if I'm suffering it's a reasonable reason to cut someone out.

 

Thank you.

[1a1a]

You know that that time is coming, not if, but when.

 

So what can you do to increase your coping resources now? I'd be looking at trying to make another friend or two so I at least had someone to talk it out with.

[I messed up]

You know that that time is coming, not if, but when.

 

So what can you do to increase your coping resources now? I'd be looking at trying to make another friend or two so I at least had someone to talk it out with.

 

I have talked to another person who I'm very close to. We think very similarly and it felt good to talk it out. He believes I could just try to heal and be busy. Try to meet other girls so this girl isn't on my mind as much and then we could truly just view each other as friends. I think talking to her about it was 100% necessary and I don't regret doing it at all. She appreciated the honesty. Are you sure it will absolutely happen? Is it not possible for me to just gradually view her less of a lover and more of "just a friend"? I mean I did view her just as a friend for a while.

 

Me and my friend also only have ONE way of dealing with rejection and that is to shut them out of our lives. We have not come up with any of solution and we've honestly have been searching for years. We don't know of any other way and I've done a lot of googling. I haven't found one other solution that causes the friend to stay in your life.

[BlarneyStone]

The problem is when I like a girl and she doesn't like me back, or after a break up with an ex I block them out of my life, hate them, and move on. Its unhealthy but it works great. I don't miss any of my ex's. Heres the problem: I don't want to do that to this girl. We're amazing friends and I can truly see us being friends for a very, very long time and I don't want to lose our friendship. I've already accepted the fact we will NEVER be together. Except for the 1/10000 chance in about 10 years. She said I'm perfect for her in 10 years whatever that is supposed to mean. Maybe when her phase stops being a phase and she moves on from that culture? I don't know.

 

The fff is this BS? How is it unhealthy to block someone who doesn't want you back? I'd say it's the exact opposite. Aside from the hating them part, that's pretty much what you're supposed to do, instead of what 95% of guys getting sucked into an indefinite friendzone and wonder how they got there.

 

The part that I bolded... I'm sure she was just trying to lay it down easy for you, but that's kind of screwed up to say. She probably thinks nothing will come of it since it's so far in the future but I'm sure there are some psychos out there who would be marking their calendars, especially the super obsessed types.

 

In other words, don't be that guy. Just move on like you've done every other time.

[yatsue]

"She said I'm perfect for her in 10 years whatever that is supposed to mean."

 

It means when she's ready to settle down while getting older with less options than she has now, she will be desperate enough to settle for you. It's harsh, but that's what she meant. Of course she'll likely never admit it though so blatantly.

[I messed up]

The fff is this BS? How is it unhealthy to block someone who doesn't want you back? I'd say it's the exact opposite. Aside from the hating them part, that's pretty much what you're supposed to do, instead of what 95% of guys getting sucked into an indefinite friendzone and wonder how they got there.

 

The part that I bolded... I'm sure she was just trying to lay it down easy for you, but that's kind of screwed up to say. She probably thinks nothing will come of it since it's so far in the future but I'm sure there are some psychos out there who would be marking their calendars, especially the super obsessed types.

 

In other words, don't be that guy. Just move on like you've done every other time.

 

We both value and cherish our friendship. To be fair, I technically friendzoned her first, lol, but I didn't add that to this post. Its a little complicated but I'm almost positive she was very much into me, but I liked a different girl.

 

Anyways, this isn't break up so I don't think I can do what I've done every other time. There is still A LOT of value left on the table. With an ex, it's over. There is nothing more that comes from it. I still want my friendship with her. She's extremely special to me, as am I to her.

 

Is it not possible to be "just friends" with her? If it isn't I'll do what I have to do. I honestly don't know and I'm asking you guys.

 

If I CAN keep a friendship with her, I want to. By can, I mean I'm not hurting by it. If I can't, then I won't.

[I messed up]

"She said I'm perfect for her in 10 years whatever that is supposed to mean."

 

It means when she's ready to settle down while getting older with less options than she has now, she will be desperate enough to settle for you. It's harsh, but that's what she meant. Of course she'll likely never admit it though so blatantly.

 

There isn't anything to settle. I consider us in the same league, if you follow that analogy. If I had to guess she's into a certain type of men right now who I'll just nickname the bad boys. I think its just an immaturity thing on her part, and she told me she's just in a phase. Also said she won't date anyone right now because she knows the type of guys she is attracted to do not make good boyfriends.

 

Am I just trying to avoid the truth? I don't know. What you wrote makes sense, but It doesn't add up knowing her. She wouldn't mean it like that at least I don't think so. And I'm not just being afraid to deal with the truth. I just honestly don't think she meant it the way you wrote it.

[I messed up]

Also thank you to everyone who posted

[yatsue]

I follow your thought process as well about what she said, but I disagree. In about 10 years is not a phase. If she said a couple years, or something along those lines, then maybe. No, this is a decade. And in a decade, every woman knows that she will have her biological clock ticking by the time she reaches 30 or more. Statistically, women decrease in the market for men while their fertility declines (no joke, I've learned about this phenomenon in psych). This puts pressure on women and they're more likely to settle for less than their ideal.

 

If this woman's type is a bad boy (...sigh), then it looks like she has clearly stated she won't be changing for a while on her preferences until her milestone. Perhaps even longer. I seriously would not wait for this woman. Please date others. If you're so inclined, tell her your offer for a potential relationship stands a decade or so from now if you both happen to be single and for her to contact you when she's ready.

[I messed up]

I follow your thought process as well about what she said, but I disagree. In about 10 years is not a phase. If she said a couple years, or something along those lines, then maybe. No, this is a decade. And in a decade, every woman knows that she will have her biological clock ticking by the time she reaches 30 or more. Statistically, women decrease in the market for men while their fertility declines (no joke, I've learned about this phenomenon in psych). This puts pressure on women and they're more likely to settle for less than their ideal.

 

If this woman's type is a bad boy (...sigh), then it looks like she has clearly stated she won't be changing for a while on her preferences until her milestone. Perhaps even longer. I seriously would not wait for this woman. Please date others. If you're so inclined, tell her your offer for a potential relationship stands a decade or so from now if you both happen to be single and for her to contact you when she's ready.

 

Im more than interested in trying to date other women. I'm just going to trust she was being genuine. We had a really serious talk and when I think of the context she really doesn't gain anything at all by playing that card. I think listening to your guys posts is what upset me because you all basically say she isn't being genuine with me and it hurts to think that is the truth. In 2 years I've never had any reason to doubt her word, and she has never doubted mine. Our communication has always been A+.

 

Question though, While I try to date other women, is it not possible to keep my friendship with this girl? That is my ultimate goal. I do absolutely value our friendship. I don't get to the level I got with this girl with many other people; guy or girl. We just bonded so well. I don't want to lose that. I've already accepted she wont date me.

 

"settle for less than their ideal",

 

It's tough. I'm perfect for her in just about every way except for the badboy aspect. Who wouldn't date an attractive, smart, funny, caring, supportive, person with a GREAT future? It's just this little thing, but I guess its a big deal to her.

 

The idea of her settling by going with me doesn't sit right. I'm great. I don't want to sound cocky, pretensious or whatever, but these are her words. I understand if I was so great she would be dating me, but shes a unique one. She doesn't care about looks, or much else. She just wants a smart man who will care about her and is interested in the culture she is into.

[yatsue]

Sure you can keep the friendship. It's your choice. Just know, two years being friends seems like a long time, but it isn't. People change drastically and it goes without saying you can never really know a person, even those very close to each other. If you accept that and the inevitable event that she will date others as well, with the possibility of building up resentment, then go ahead. I've just seen/heard of so many stories of those that hold out for someone typically get hurt more than not. I wish you luck and hope you will be open about the unsavory possibilities in order to prevent disappointment.

[I messed up]

Sure you can keep the friendship. It's your choice. Just know, two years being friends seems like a long time, but it isn't. People change drastically and it goes without saying you can never really know a person, even those very close to each other. If you accept that and the inevitable event that she will date others as well, with the possibility of building up resentment, then go ahead. I've just seen/heard of so many stories of those that hold out for someone typically get hurt more than not. I wish you luck and hope you will be open about the unsavory possibilities in order to prevent disappointment.

Is there a way I can get to the point where I don't feel resentment or sadness from her dating others? I think if I dated someone, It would absolutely mellow those feelings out right? But thats all up in the air when I'll date someone It could be 2-3 boyfriends for her later... Plus I don't want to use someone to keep my friendship with someone else strong.

 

So is there anyway I can put myself in the "shes just my friend" mindset more or less the same mindset she has of me now?

[yatsue]

Sorry, but feelings don't work that way. You just don't decide to turn them down or shut them off. Feel free to date others, though please do not use them for the purpose of getting over her. Do not get into a relationship or lead someone on with promises of something more than casual while you're still hung up on this girl. If you want, date someone and be clear that you want nothing serious and have feelings for someone else. Perhaps you may eventually get over her and consider as only a friend. That is one option.

 

The other is cut contact. It is much easier this way to get over this girl, as you know. Leave the option for the future open and she may want you one day. Plan on hoping for the best, while planning for the worst.

[I messed up]

Sorry, but feelings don't work that way. You just don't decide to turn them down or shut them off. Feel free to date others, though please do not use them for the purpose of getting over her. Do not get into a relationship or lead someone on with promises of something more than casual while you're still hung up on this girl. If you want, date someone and be clear that you want nothing serious and have feelings for someone else. Perhaps you may eventually get over her and consider as only a friend. That is one option.

 

The other is cut contact. It is much easier this way to get over this girl, as you know. Leave the option for the future open and she may want you one day. Plan on hoping for the best, while planning for the worst.

 

If I cut contact and I "get over her" in lets say 2-3 months, could I then start talking to her as a friend again or would I almost definitely develop feelings again?

[yatsue]

Probably. I would even say definitely. It'll probably take enough time until you forget/stop thinking about her. This may be a long time (years), depends on you but it could also ignite the old flame if you meet again.

[I messed up]

Probably. I would even say definitely. It'll probably take enough time until you forget/stop thinking about her. This may be a long time (years), depends on you but it could also ignite the old flame if you meet again.

 

I sent her a long message explaining everything and where I'm at. I told her I had to cut her out for now. It isn't forever, but for the time being I need to heal. She hasn't responded. I feel good I guess. Maybe in a few months we can get back together as friends.

 

Thank you for your help. It hurts, and I feel empty and as if I'm missing something special in my life, but I'll keep moving forward

[abitbroken]

I suggest that you tell the friend that while you value the friendship, its too hard for you to see her when she doesn't return your feelings. I would cut contact with her for a time. Start hanging out with other friends. In time, maybe you run into her again a few years down the road and if your feelings have faded, maybe you can be friends again. As long as you stay close friends, you will not find anyone because you will always interpret any invite from her as a spark of hope. And you will emotionally share with her and that will prevent you from becoming emotionally intimate with a wife or girlfriend.

 

She said "maybe in 10 years" - she is trying to be nice/let you down easy. She values you, but right now she is not attracted to you. You are her friend, not a love interest. Maybe to her, its gentler than closing the door forever.

[abitbroken]

If I cut contact and I "get over her" in lets say 2-3 months, could I then start talking to her as a friend again or would I almost definitely develop feelings again?

 

I would not give yourself a timeline - if you say "i will not see her for a few months and then will call her in three months" it doesn't help you heal. Because you know you will see her again. You are not truly healing, you will be just trying to "fix" or get on a self improvement kick about yourself to try to attract her in some way. its like knowing an exam is coming up in 2 months. You have to be content to let her go - and if paths cross in the future by accident - then fine. 2 months is not long enough.

[I messed up]

I would not give yourself a timeline - if you say "i will not see her for a few months and then will call her in three months" it doesn't help you heal. Because you know you will see her again. You are not truly healing, you will be just trying to "fix" or get on a self improvement kick about yourself to try to attract her in some way. its like knowing an exam is coming up in 2 months. You have to be content to let her go - and if paths cross in the future by accident - then fine. 2 months is not long enough.

 

Potentially never being her friend again feels so bleak. I have every intentions of keeping our friendship. I don't want to leave it up to "accidentally crossing paths". That seems so up in the air. Why is it a bad idea to contact her when I feel ready to be her friend? As far as self improvement UNLESS I indulge in this hippy culture she is attracted to I literally can't do anything about it. So I'm not worried about that. She isn't into muscular men, and she already has such high praise for me in literally every other aspect. I've already accepted there is nothing I can do.

 

I won't have a timeline. Assuming I let her go until I feel I can handle her as a friend. Would it be bad to contact her?

 

I'm content on letting the idea of us being together go. I'm content with letting our friendship temporarily be ended so I can heal. But I'm not content with losing our friendship for ever. I hope there will be a point where I can handle her being my friend even if she had a boyfriend. Maybe that means I need to go through a couple other girls first, IDK. But I don't have any intentions of leaving her forever Is that bad?

[1a1a]

When I split with my ex, and we had that post break up chat where you redefine the boundaries. He said he imagined that we would bond over work and shared interests in time. And that is exactly what happened.

 

(And then I I would prod the metaphorical scab of him leaving and it didn't hurt anymore and I thought it was safe to increase the closeness of the friendship and it turned out I still have feeeeeeeelings. But even as a person who would like more with him, I am equally happy with friendship as that's precious to me in it's own way. And the thought of him finding another partner, isn't pleasant, but I like the person and the friendship too much to cut contact with him.)

 

For your timeline, you'll potentially need a year but maybe you could ask to schedule a meet up 6 months from now (or just know in your head that's when you're going to get in touch - just be prepared she might not be open to friendship any longer, and if that happens, that's ok. You had two glorious years together).

[I messed up]

When I split with my ex, and we had that post break up chat where you redefine the boundaries. He said he imagined that we would bond over work and shared interests in time. And that is exactly what happened.

 

(And then I I would prod the metaphorical scab of him leaving and it didn't hurt anymore and I thought it was safe to increase the closeness of the friendship and it turned out I still have feeeeeeeelings. But even as a person who would like more with him, I am equally happy with friendship as that's precious to me in it's own way. And the thought of him finding another partner, isn't pleasant, but I like the person and the friendship too much to cut contact with him.)

 

For your timeline, you'll potentially need a year but maybe you could ask to schedule a meet up 6 months from now (or just know in your head that's when you're going to get in touch - just be prepared she might not be open to friendship any longer, and if that happens, that's ok. You had two glorious years together).

 

Quick question: She knew I had feelings for her for a while and we were able to stay friends. Why would she now not want to maintain friendship? Is it because I revealed to her the severity of how much I liked her? When we had a discussion about taking a break, she had suggested it to me. I feel she is being very supportive about it. I'd like to think she would want the friendship.

 

Can you give me a few reasons why she WOULDN'T? Assuming I put myself in a healthy place to continue it.

[Ms Darcy]

Omg, it's not a "bad boy" thing. It is a lack of chemistry thing from her end.

[I messed up]

Omg, it's not a "bad boy" thing. It is a lack of chemistry thing from her end.

 

haha, no. She's told me we have phenomenal chemistry. It's absolutely a bad boy thing; she even said thats the type of guy she's into. Which is why she doesn't want to date anyone right now because (from her own words) they make bad boyfriends and she doesn't want to be treated bad anymore. But she can't help how she subonciously feels. They turn her on.

 

By chemistry she (and I) meant to get along very well with someone.

 

If you're refering to chemistry as having that spark, then obviously lol.

 

The reason we don't have the spark or chemistry if thats what you're referring to is because she's into the bad boys/douchbag and I'm not that type of guy.