Fresh opinions needed please, I'm too in my head

[Glitterdreams]

Fresh opinions/advice appreciated

 

We met a while back on a site for casual hook ups. By a while I mean seven years ago.

 

We met up and he liked calling me and mostly our convos were a bit adult in nature but we talked about other things too.

 

Before I even saw his face I felt a connection and after we first met I fell for him.

 

We found out we had a ridiculous amount of stuff in common.

 

Not longer after we first met I told him I had fallen for him but he said he wanted to stay just as a casual hook up and said he wasn't looking for a relo.

 

To be clear, I've hooked up with a fair few guys off these sites, most of which were lovely and smart and kind but I never had the same feelings for them as for this guy.

 

So over the seven years we only hooked up twice. But we stayed in semi-regular contact. Chatting about stuff and talking sometimes. Sometimes if there was a disaster or something in my area he'd call just to check I was ok. He always likes making sure I'm ok.

 

About two years ago we both got partners. I'm not sure about mine as he seems like a good guy, but I can't bring myself to have affection for him. He also seems very sweet and considerate but sometimes just has a way of making me feel bad which usually makes me feel quite low. I know my partner is thinking of marriage and I'm not getting any younger but it's hard to make a decision.

 

So for some reason in the last couple of months, me and the hook up have been talking more. A fair few of our conversations have gone all night into like 2 or 3am (just talking about life, not sex lol). We both say we are tired but enjoy the conversation too much to stop.

 

Ever since we met we both had huge chemistry, and we had recently talked about having an affair but couldn't go through with it, not because of not wanting to, but because we have partners and felt bad.

 

Recently he told me he never considered me as a romantic partner. So I kind of accepted that as much as I was upset by it. Then the most recent time we spoke he told me that if we met up he'd be worried we couldn't do it without strings attached now that we've become "good friends". I asked if he meant me or him, and he said "both". He's told me he's also not 100% sure of his relationship, but he does seem to me to be working very hard to keep it going.

 

It's an old cliche but everything just feels right with him. I feel real and alive and happy with him and he's always made me feel good, and contented.

 

He told me he doesn't think the chemistry he has for me will ever leave as long as he lives. I know some guys are players but when he says these things it does sound like it's him being honest and introspective.

 

So basically there's this huge connection neither of us can avoid, we both feel it, but in a sense we are both trying to make other relationships work. He seems less interested in a relationship with me than I would be with him, but at the same time, I can feel his happiness (and mine) when we are talking and enjoying each other's company.

 

I asked him if we should just become "kinda weird" friends and he said it sounds perfect. He told me he never wants us to lose contact.

 

So I really don't know. The feeling and chemistry with him is huge, but do I wait it out now he's becoming increasingly communicative or just give up and marry the guy I'm with?

 

I know what my heart is telling me to do - it's telling me to wait and see how things go with the guy I'm in love with and have been in love with all these years. But my brain is telling me not to waste my time and that if he really wanted me he'd be with me.

 

Is it possible the chemistry, mental and emotional feeling can be so strong but two people just aren't meant to be?

 

Opinions?

[rosephase]

Would your current boyfriend still want to be with you if he knew you aren't very into him, are in love with a different man and feel like marring him is giving up?

 

I doubt he would want to marry you if he actually knew you. Why not break up with this guy you aren't into and find someone you can have a real relationship with?

[Hollyj]

You're having an emotional affair. Do the right thing and break with your partner.

[Chloee1988]

Fresh opinions/advice appreciated

 

We met a while back on a site for casual hook ups. By a while I mean seven years ago.

 

We met up and he liked calling me and mostly our convos were a bit adult in nature but we talked about other things too.

 

Before I even saw his face I felt a connection and after we first met I fell for him.

 

We found out we had a ridiculous amount of stuff in common.

 

Not longer after we first met I told him I had fallen for him but he said he wanted to stay just as a casual hook up and said he wasn't looking for a relo.

 

To be clear, I've hooked up with a fair few guys off these sites, most of which were lovely and smart and kind but I never had the same feelings for them as for this guy.

 

So over the seven years we only hooked up twice. But we stayed in semi-regular contact. Chatting about stuff and talking sometimes. Sometimes if there was a disaster or something in my area he'd call just to check I was ok. He always likes making sure I'm ok.

 

About two years ago we both got partners. I'm not sure about mine as he seems like a good guy, but I can't bring myself to have affection for him. He also seems very sweet and considerate but sometimes just has a way of making me feel bad which usually makes me feel quite low. I know my partner is thinking of marriage and I'm not getting any younger but it's hard to make a decision.

 

So for some reason in the last couple of months, me and the hook up have been talking more. A fair few of our conversations have gone all night into like 2 or 3am (just talking about life, not sex lol). We both say we are tired but enjoy the conversation too much to stop.

 

Ever since we met we both had huge chemistry, and we had recently talked about having an affair but couldn't go through with it, not because of not wanting to, but because we have partners and felt bad.

 

Recently he told me he never considered me as a romantic partner. So I kind of accepted that as much as I was upset by it. Then the most recent time we spoke he told me that if we met up he'd be worried we couldn't do it without strings attached now that we've become "good friends". I asked if he meant me or him, and he said "both". He's told me he's also not 100% sure of his relationship, but he does seem to me to be working very hard to keep it going.

 

It's an old cliche but everything just feels right with him. I feel real and alive and happy with him and he's always made me feel good, and contented.

 

He told me he doesn't think the chemistry he has for me will ever leave as long as he lives. I know some guys are players but when he says these things it does sound like it's him being honest and introspective.

 

So basically there's this huge connection neither of us can avoid, we both feel it, but in a sense we are both trying to make other relationships work. He seems less interested in a relationship with me than I would be with him, but at the same time, I can feel his happiness (and mine) when we are talking and enjoying each other's company.

 

I asked him if we should just become "kinda weird" friends and he said it sounds perfect. He told me he never wants us to lose contact.

 

So I really don't know. The feeling and chemistry with him is huge, but do I wait it out now he's becoming increasingly communicative or just give up and marry the guy I'm with?

 

I know what my heart is telling me to do - it's telling me to wait and see how things go with the guy I'm in love with and have been in love with all these years. But my brain is telling me not to waste my time and that if he really wanted me he'd be with me.

 

Is it possible the chemistry, mental and emotional feeling can be so strong but two people just aren't meant to be?

 

Opinions?

 

My advice, based on the sole goal of protecting you, would be to disconnect completely (in person and over the phone). First of all, affairs rarely end up with a positive outcome; it's a lose/lose for everyone. And regardless of this hook up friend, if you're not feeling it with your current BF, maybe you should take a step back and re-evaluate if he is the right one for you.

 

Second of all, if he really wanted to be with you, he would have seen you MORE than 2x in 7 years!! Clearly he's never made much of an effort to contact you when you were available. I can't imagine much has changed since then. It sounds like he wants to make his current relationship work (as he stated that to you) so clearly he loves his GF and I would not sabotage that if I were you; chances are it won't end well for either party. It could very well be that he does feel that chemistry with you but he made it clear that his current relationship is the priority (and he has no intention of leaving her) while you're just on the sidelines. As painful as this sounds, his actions speak volumes and his words mean very little.

 

Third of all, if the chemistry was THAT good, why has he hooked up with you twice in 7 years??!!! Sounds to me like this infatuation is very one-sided and you'll only end up getting hurt should you embark on the affair. Disconnect completely and block him if it will make it easier to resist contact.

 

Best of luck going forward.

[Wiseman2]

Chemistry with your bf can only pick up when you stop the emotional cheating and nostalgia of your younger steamier days with this guy..

 

Happens everyday and usually ends in a horrible expensive divorce 6723379]

Is it possible the chemistry, mental and emotional feeling can be so strong but two people just aren't meant to be?

[ParisPaulette]

My fresh opinion is if you two haven't been able to make it into a relationship for seven years and you continue to accept his damning you with faint praise then it's not going to ever get any better. This guy clearly sees you as best buddy he can have an occasional toss in the sheets with, but I have to say the chemistry can't be all that great if you two are able to keep so bloody much distance between yourselves.

 

I'm sorry he does this, because you let him. It's boredom relief for him and you probably, plus if you think marriage is an end goal you have to check off like a laundry list you are in for a very rude awakening. Issues before marriage are also 10Xed after marriage if they are not addressed, so you think it's bad with your current partner now? Yeah, good luck with that after a ring is on the finger and he knows he can just keep doing what he did before or escalates 'cause now you won't walk away without potentially losing property and money.

 

Marriage used to be necessary survival mode when women couldn't own property, couldn't vote, and were open to all manner of things without a man to be the "gatekeeper" so to speak, but those times have changed. Marriage now should mean two people agree to be partners in life, totally compatible and having each other's backs to the point of keeping anyone who would come between them out of the mix so they can survive better together.

 

Your marriage will not be based on that and is already doomed for failure, because you're stuck on some guy who uses you to pass the time and have an occasional roll in the hay while having someone else be his main squeeze.

 

If you want true happiness I'd say ditch both those fellows, get your own house in order to neither accept cheaters or be a cheater - and yes emotional cheating and carrying a torch for someone else while you're with another is a form of cheating - and start over. Otherwise um, good luck with this but it sounds like a terrible situation. Is this really what you envisioned your life would be? Why haven't you done anything to change it.

[Glitterdreams]

Thanks everyone, appreciate the opinions - helps to clear my head

[spbroussard]

(I know my partner is thinking of marriage and I am not getting any younger)Do not get married for this reason you marry for the right reason follow your heart ❤️