Boyfriend is planning to propose but I have doubts about our future... thoughts?

[Firebird09]

Hi all, I’m 25 years old and my boyfriend is 33, and we’ve been a couple for 4-5 years. He became my first boyfriend and we met when I was a university student and he was working, but I’m working now since I graduated in 2013.

 

I feel like I am at a crossroads dilemma with my boyfriend and with life, and I’ve come here for some outside perspective as this forum has been very helpful for others. (A bit of a long post incoming)

 

I know that my boyfriend is planning to propose, as over the Christmas holidays, he basically blurted out that he wanted to get an engagement ring, as he would like to propose soon but wanted to know my ring size, etc. as I don’t really wear much jewellery/rings. I thought he was kidding at first because I hadn’t thought about engagement and I said I wasn’t ready, but he said I should forget about it for now and that he wants it to be a surprise later, where he’s figuring I'll say yes.

 

Main problem…I would like marriage in my future but I don’t have a strong desire to say yes to his pending proposal, and a big part of me feels like walking away from the whole relationship.

 

The main reasons are as follows:

 

• 1. We were living together in the 3rd year of our relationship (2015) when I had my graduate job, and things were going well, but I discovered that he was cheating on me. He was working from home then, and I pretty much caught him red-handed in our house with another girl that he was sleeping with (when he thought I would be at work, but I had a break). He tried to lie and conceal the true extent of his involvement with her, but long story short, I dug out the full truth with my own instinct/evidence trail, until he could not deny it.
   
  For a short while he was involved both physically and emotionally with this girl on the side, and it was extremely painful. As I worked in a different city to my home city (where my family lived), I couldn’t run back to them easily without skipping work, I didn’t really have any friends there to crash with, and I was left as an emotional wreck with few places to turn, which worked in his favour as I was weak/vulnerable and without any time or space away from him, he tried everything he could not to lose me and I ultimately stayed.
  
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• 2. Although he is my best friend and has continued to support me since the 3rd year of our relationship, my heart has not really been in the relationship, in the “I can’t imagine my life without you” sense. We continued to live together, go out at times and talk to eachother like how best friends do but I don’t feel that sparky feeling in the heart when you know you’re in love with someone. I’ve sort of been going through the motions, as since I graduated, I haven’t got many friends beyond some of my friendly co-workers and family, and so my bf was the main support system for me.
  

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• 3. I worry that this may be a case where he possibly loves me more than I love him. Despite the infidelity issue, he has commented on how I’m the only girl for him, he can see me as his wife, having kids, etc.
  
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I’m currently living in my home city as I’ve got a new job here (which my bf was very supportive in helping me get). My bf eventually plans to move to my home city as he originally lived here too before we met, and would like us to live together again when that happens.

 

Although it appears to him like I’ve moved on from past events, I have not truly forgotten the extent of the lies and deceit which he is capable of (as his girl on the side thought SHE was his gf at one point, and I discovered a string of suggestive texts dated in 2014 to other random girls from earlier in our relationship) and therefore, my trust is not 100% and neither are my feelings, in the romantic sense.

 

I can see he wants to get married, but I fear that his past behaviour could return especially if he feels like he has “secured” me further as his wife, where he may feel like he could get away with it as I stayed the first time.

For me, I see marriage as a serious commitment and I’ve always hoped for a long marriage like my parents, and therefore I treat it as a big life decision which I want to feel right about. But I’m a bit concerned that at 25, if I end this now, am I giving up the best opportunity in respect of meeting someone, reaching marriage and having kids? (Which I would like at some point) or am I being silly?

 

Tl;Dr I’m a 25 year old, in a 4-5 year relationship with a boyfriend who wants to get married. I have issues of trust and issues of my heart not feeling serious love in this relationship. I feel like walking away which I maybe should have done in 2015 at the height of his betrayal (where I stayed more out of lack of options than sheer love), but he believes we have moved forward together and are stronger, but I know how to put up a good front. I feel like my love isn’t strong enough to move us forward but he’s always believed that we are great together, and that he cares about me.

 

Do others think there’s still hope or does it look like a lost cause which should come to an end? I’ve been working on self-reflection now that we’re living apart, but I’m not the strongest at making or seeing the right decision.

[gebaird]

The relationship ended when you discovered his cheating; you have just continued to go through the motions for purposes of convenience. For his sake and yours, the sooner you end this relationship the better. At 25, I honestly don't think this will be your only opportunity for marriage. That sounds like your fears talking. Don't wait for the proposal to tell him how you feel -- do it soon, and do it on your own terms.

[reinventmyself]

 

if I end this now, am I giving up the best opportunity in respect of meeting someone, reaching marriage and having kids? (Which I would like at some point) or am I being silly?

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If this is the reason you are staying with him, then yes, you are being silly.

 

You are only 25 and are talking as if you are 45 and life has passed you by.

 

In light of the fact that you are now living independently and having second thoughts then I would strongly advise you to take your time and/or consider moving on from this relationship.

 

Clearly you haven't been able to move on from his cheating - and for good reason.

 

I think the fact that you are wondering if the reason you stayed was not because this was the best possible relationship for you, but more so because you were vulnerable and no where else to go, could very well be the truth.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. You are wise to reconsider a life with him. do not marry a man you can't trust and don't love. Don't let the promise of diamonds fool you into thinking this is your last chance for love, marriage and a family.

 

At 25 the world is just opening up for you and you will find a loyal honest man you love...if you free yourself to do so. Do you want a life of always looking over your shoulder? I discovered that he was cheating on me. I have not truly forgotten the extent of the lies and deceit which he is capable of and I discovered a string of suggestive texts dated in 2014 to other random girls from earlier in our relationship and therefore, my trust is not 100% and neither are my feelings, in the romantic sense.

[limichelle]

You know what you have to do it's in your gut feeling. It's hard but you have to follow it. I have a important question to ask you. Would you rather be on your own happy and waiting for the right man who will be faithful and be the love of your life? Or settle just because you will be single until Mr. Right comes along?

 

You can't find the right guy if you are with your boyfriend who isn't trustworthy and you don't feel in love with.

 

Lisa

[Viceroy]

I think it's best you end things with him. To be frank, too many guys get dumped for issues like being boring, not courting enough etc.... Those are issues (in my opinion) that are fixable with time. Cheating is a cardinal sin, and a blatant sign of disrespect towards your relationship.

 

You're in your prime, and you very well can find a more loving man. If you decide to dump this guy, you should be open and honest about it. The guy did help you a lot, and you seem genuinely thankful for that. However, the cheating is something that you're just not able to let slide, and that's okay.

[annie24]

I think you are young and you should find someone who will be a better match for you. You should have broken up with him after he cheated but better to break up now than to get married.

[Firebird09]

Thank you all for your comments, and I'll take them on board. As he is my first bf I don't have too much experience with this, but is there little chance in us remaining friends? When I take the commitment and relationship factor out of it, he was also like my best friend (we were friends initially when we met), or would staying friends be very difficult?

 

Also, he is very sensitive about the cheating issue that whenever it was brought up in the past he absolutely hated being reminded of it and perhaps had a point that I couldn't bring it up whenever I wanted (like in an argument for example) if we were to try and get back to normal. However it is a determining factor in my feelings towards our future, so is it better to be blunt about it when I refer to it again or should it be more subtle? I was hoping for my discussion with him to be as calm as possible.

[abitbroken]

Thank you all for your comments, and I'll take them on board. As he is my first bf I don't have too much experience with this, but is there little chance in us remaining friends? When I take the commitment and relationship factor out of it, he was also like my best friend (we were friends initially when we met), or would staying friends be very difficult?

 

Also, he is very sensitive about the cheating issue that whenever it was brought up in the past he absolutely hated being reminded of it and perhaps had a point that I couldn't bring it up whenever I wanted (like in an argument for example) if we were to try and get back to normal. However it is a determining factor in my feelings towards our future, so is it better to be blunt about it when I refer to it again or should it be more subtle? I was hoping for my discussion with him to be as calm as possible.

 

How self centered! HE is sensitive about the cheating?? well, then what about you - the person who was cheated on in your own home? Does he really think he is the injured party?

 

Even if you don't have too much boyfriend experience, you do know how you want to be treated. You do know what feels wrong in your gut. And you have other relationships - platonic friendships, family relationships, so know how to treat people and how they should be treated.

 

I don't think you should wait until he brings it up again. I think you need to be loud and clear here. I would not bring up past arguments, I would simply state that you remember he had been hinting at proposing and that before he does, you have decided that you are not ready for marriage and do not want to get married to him. Things have not been the same since he cheated and you would like to move on. I think also what might be a factor is when he met you, you were a young college student and you have changed immensely into an adult woman since that time as well.

 

I would not promise him friendship. I would not promise anything right now. I think you have put up with the treatment because "he's your friend" also. He can be your friend meaning you are not enemies - but you should not have an active friendship.

 

You really need to do this before he makes good on plans to move to your town.

 

If you don't end this, he is going to just keep continuing thinking everything's great and it will be harder for you to end it if he moves.

 

I have a friend who took back a cheater/continued with a cheater. She can't bring herself to marry him, nor can she bring herself to finally break up with him because of shared history/length of relationship and her life is miserable as a result. They have been engaged for 9 years and counting now. Don't be that woman. You deserve so much more than that.

[reinventmyself]

He's so sensitive to the fact that he cheated, you're not allowed to bring it up? Classic!

 

He doesn't want to be reminded of his screw up yet you are left with no one with work it out with. It's no wonder you aren't over it.

 

This benefits him and does nothing for you.

 

Think about this. Do any of your friends lie to you? Probably not, or they wouldn't be your friend, correct?

He's not your friend either.

[abitbroken]

He's so sensitive to the fact that he cheated, you're not allowed to bring it up? Classic!

 

 

This is a good indication about what he'll do if he does something else - even if its not cheating.

[Firebird09]

This is a good indication about what he'll do if he does something else - even if its not cheating.

 

Do you mean that he'll become defensive/sensitive in other cases?

[abitbroken]

Do you mean that he'll become defensive/sensitive in other cases?

 

Yes! But mainly not own up to things/place the blame on you. The problem he sees is with you - because you bring it up - he doesn't see the problem is that he cheated. he has a VERY guilty conscious. If he was truly contrite he would be humble - he would admit that he was very wrong and do anything in his power to soul search and figure out why. He would say that you have the right to be distrustful. He would not minimize how wrong this was or how devestating to you. So if he cheats again, does something illegal, does something stupid - he will most likely blame other people for "bringing it up" instead of addressing the heart of the matter.

 

I do think overall, one of the very worst things that you could do in a relationship - is to not only physically cheat but to do it in the bed your significant other sleeps in with you. Its absolutely irreconcilable. I would walk away and never look back in that case. In some ways maybe the big thrill for him was the potential to be caught - and he was. That would have me putting their things on the porch in minutes or packing my own bags.

 

I think that you are best to leave him - and when you do - don't listen to any excuses, begging, telling you he'll change. You know you don't want to marry him. So there is no point in moving forward in any other way.

[annie24]

Also, he is very sensitive about the cheating issue that whenever it was brought up in the past he absolutely hated being reminded of it and perhaps had a point that I couldn't bring it up whenever I wanted (like in an argument for example) if we were to try and get back to normal. However it is a determining factor in my feelings towards our future, so is it better to be blunt about it when I refer to it again or should it be more subtle? I was hoping for my discussion with him to be as calm as possible.

 

geez. It's one thing if you always brought up the time he forgot to buy you milk the one time he was at the store but this is a BIG DEAL. Of course the cheating still bothers you, of course it's a big deal, of course he can't sweep it under the rug. I think you can just be like "I'm not ready to marry you (or at all)." I don't think you need to give more answers than that but if you want to and he wants to know why, the cheating is a big deal - you never got over it.

[MissCanuck]

OP, do you lie to your best friends? Do you sneak around behind their backs and do things you know would hurt them? Do you have the audacity and arrogance to commit these hurtful actions in their own homes? Are you that disrespectful of your best friends? Are you so manipulative that you get angry when they confront you about the serious emotional damage you caused?

 

My guess is that your answer to all of the above would be a resounding "HALE NO"

 

So why is it that you describe this guy as your best friend? He's no friend to you. If that's what you consider to be friendship (let alone love!) you need to seriously rethink your definition of a friend. He therefore is most certainly not boyfriend material, and to consider him possible husband material is absurd.

 

The reason you don't feel the spark with him is because your gut isn't letting your heart fall in love with a clown. Listen to your gut. Don't marry a clown.

[Firebird09]

Thanks again for all your comments. You've helped me to see the most logical way to approach this in light of the circumstances.

 

As my bf is currently in a different city to me, I would have to travel to see him (around 2 hrs) and realistically the next time I could see him physically wouldn't be for another 2 weeks roughly (due to work and other commitments), though we still talk on the phone.

 

Also, in vague terms, he got me shoes for my Christmas present and in exchange I got him a small gift with the idea that I'll give him the rest, for the next time I see him.

 

I have 2 thoughts on my mind at the moment:

 

1. When I tell him how I feel about the future of the relationship, I would want to do this in person but I can see that there will be a bit of a delay before I can achieve this. In the meantime, should I keep communicating with him as if things are the same, or should I act more distant with hints of what's to come? I'll let him know the time that I'll schedule to come.

 

I have targeted one Thursday evening after I attend this work conference thing in 2 weeks, that's out of my city and closer to where he lives. That way, the cost won't be as much, and I'll be able to target a time to leave his house, as I'll need to travel back home for work the next day, and this could help avoid our discussion being dragged out? Logistically I've seen that it's do-able, but is it more ideal to get this over and done with as soon as possible (i.e. that Thursday) knowing that I still have see people the next day, or should it wait till the weekend which delays me further, and will take more money/time to get there but give me an extra day to recover, so to speak?

 

2. Secondly, would it still be a good idea to sort out his gift knowing that I'm giving him bad news? It will feel more like a parting gift and I'll feel a bit less guilty after he bought these nice shoes that I like to wear. Will the parting gift be a weird idea?

 

Thanks for any further advice you can give.

[abitbroken]

I think that you should tell him over the phone that you know he has been hinting from time to time at rings, but that you are not ready to marry. Say it quite simply like that. Tell him that you wanted to just give him the heads up just in case he was thinking about acting on it. There is no telling whether he has been hinting solely to get your reaction, throwing a breadcrumb or serious. That way, if he was planning on popping the question for when he saw you after the holidays, or Valentine's day, he won't do so. It will save you a lot of grief and will sort of prep you for what you are going to say in person. I agree that when you have a long relationship, unless there is abuse in the relationship, that you should do them the courtesy of the actual breakup in person. If you use this method, you can prevent you can nip things in the bud.

 

I think that you should still give him his present. If you already broke up, I would not, but if you are actually going to see him, as long as its not a sexy or expensive gift, or for future use for the two of you (tickets to something). Maybe i would mail it ahead if you figured you would break up with him for good in person so that it arrives a week or two ahead of you. The reason I say is that you bought the gift because of your relationship status at Christmas. I wouldn't give it to him the day you break up.

 

Stay strong. you deserve so much more.

[Capricorn3]

I can only strongly advise that when in doubt, DON'T. Whatever you do, do NOT marry this guy. Life is too short and you will come to regret it.

[IAmFCA]

You need to break up with him. Put it on you, that you have been learning more about yourself, how important integrity is to you and what it means to you. That you didn't live your values because you've been going on like everything is great. But it isn't, and you didn't want to face up to that. Didn't havethe courage to be on your own.

 

That you noa see you need to be on your own, stop dating altogether, invest in yourself, etc.

 

That there is no good wy to do this.