She still thinks of him...

[Onmypath]

My wife and I have been together for 18 years and we are both women. A little over two years ago I left the relationship and started seeing another woman. During this time she had a secret, month-long affair with a man. We came back together and for the last two years we have been working towards repairing/rebuilding our relationship. For two years I have heard her say she wasn't attracted to him and didn't like him and only had an affair with him bc she was hurt/lonely/angry. She has talked about him and the affair as if it was a terrible experience. I have struggled so very much with the fact that she had an affair with a man, but I've tried to understand. Last night we were talking and I was expressing to her some of the thoughts I struggle with. I mentioned that I wonder if she ever missed him. She said, "I don't miss him. I'll be honest, I think about him. His name will just pop up in my mind and I'll wonder how he's doing." Those words crushed me. She said I'm reading too much into what she said, making a mountain out of a mole hill, etc. Am I reading too much into her words? If it was so terrible, why is she thinking about him and wondering how he is? Should I be concerned that she still thinks of him after 2 years? Is this normal?

[yatsue]

First, she didn't have an affair, unless if this man was married or you both were officially together while she was with this man at the same time. Second, you did the same thing. Do you ever for a second at least think about this other woman you had previous relations with? It is actually very normal.

[abitbroken]

My wife and I have been together for 18 years and we are both women. A little over two years ago I left the relationship and started seeing another woman. During this time she had a secret, month-long affair with a man. We came back together and for the last two years we have been working towards repairing/rebuilding our relationship. For two years I have heard her say she wasn't attracted to him and didn't like him and only had an affair with him bc she was hurt/lonely/angry. She has talked about him and the affair as if it was a terrible experience. I have struggled so very much with the fact that she had an affair with a man, but I've tried to understand. Last night we were talking and I was expressing to her some of the thoughts I struggle with. I mentioned that I wonder if she ever missed him. She said, "I don't miss him. I'll be honest, I think about him. His name will just pop up in my mind and I'll wonder how he's doing." Those words crushed me. She said I'm reading too much into what she said, making a mountain out of a mole hill, etc. Am I reading too much into her words? If it was so terrible, why is she thinking about him and wondering how he is? Should I be concerned that she still thinks of him after 2 years? Is this normal?

 

Look at your word choice - you left her and had a relationship with another woman, but use the term "secret" about her relationship with a man - that she had after you left her. Do you feel if she had a relationship with another woman, you wouldn't feel so betrayed?

 

Also, do YOU think about the woman you had a brief relationship with? If she asked you the same about your other relationship would you admit that you think about that woman? That she crosses your mind? Don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answer to, you know?

 

If you are worried that she might quite like to be with a man instead of a woman, then leave the relationship. I don't take it that she'd look him up. After all, people think of their prom date and wonder what their life turned into and it doesn't mean they want to get back together with them.

[Seraphim]

She didn't have an affair secret or otherwise. You were broken up. Now, if he was married that is different.