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Ending a Twelve Year Relationship


mercutio3

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Currently, my soon-to-be ex-wife and I are in agreement that divorce is really the only option after all the events that have transpired over the last four months - I can only speak for myself, but I feel it's been a problem brewing for years. It's still a very emotionally difficult process to go through, regardless of how easy it is to rationalize.

 

About four months ago, I learned that my wife was engaged in an emotional affair with a much younger guy whom she met through work. She lied about it repeatedly, swore on our child's life and when the truth finally came out, the trust in our relationship was irreparably shattered. I must admit that I did not handle the situation very well. I've never felt so devastated. The pain of knowing she would think of someone else like she used to think of me is still a nagging thorn in my thoughts. I cried more times in those first two weeks than I ever have. I wanted to know the details - if it became physical, the extent of the conversations, what type of pictures were sent, if they ever met up, etc.? She claims to have told the whole truth, that it was just harmless conversation and inappropriate flirting (with pictures), but at this point I can't believe anything she says. She has a fairly long history of not telling the whole truth and believing it's not a lie. Unfortunately, she also has a long history of crossing the line when it come's to flirting.

 

We tried several times to make it work, but she refuses to give up the fantasy of being with this other person. She also refuses to accept any kind of responsibility for her actions. I invited her back into the house to try and make it work (at her request) - and five days later she stays out until 1 AM - 4 hours later than the time she told me she'd return. She claims she was with her girlfriends, which would normally be fine, but it shows an incredible lack of awareness and concern about the situation that we were in.

 

I'm embarrassed by this, but when she returned home, I confronted her. I asked her if she knew how it looked to be doing something like that? She started arguing with me, calling me controlling and distrusting, and telling me to leave the house! At this point, I've completely lost my patience. How could she possibly have the gall to call me distrusting after she spent a months worth of time lying to my face everyday? I called her just about every name in the book, most regrettably the c-word. She began flailing her arms at me, punching me repeatedly, kicking my shins, and acting incredibly aggressive - telling me to hit her! I let her hit me, and just made sure nothing connected with my face or groin. I've never hit her, I wasn't about to start now, and I realized that's probably what she wanted anyways.

 

That's more or less the events that led us to this decision.

 

We've both done and said things that we're likely to never forget. The relationship is far too toxic to continue. The reasons for me wanting to make it work in the first place were mainly for the children (she's now pregnant, and she got pregnant around the time all this was happening). My biggest hope is that the baby is mine, because this other guy doesn't give a about her.

 

At first, it was fairly easy. But, now I suppose I'm falling into the trap of only thinking about the good times we had together. There were plenty of good times, but over the last few years it was mostly bad. I guess the hardest part is the emotional gut-punch that comes with realizing my wife wants to be, or was with somebody else. It makes me feel inadequate and replaceable. I suppose I'll get through it, but I'm having a hard time.

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Have either of you considered counselling? That would help the kids most considering you believe she is cheating may be pregnant with him and "wants to be hit".

 

Go to counselling by yourself for your kids sake. If after that you feel the marriage is salvageable then get into joint marriage counselling. Calling your wife whom you still live with your 'soon-to-be-ex' when you haven't contacted an attorney, no less applied for legal separation or filed for divorce sounds a lot like rage.

I let her hit me, and just made sure nothing connected with my face or groin. I've never hit her, I wasn't about to start now, and I realized that's probably what she wanted anyways. The reasons for me wanting to make it work in the first place were mainly for the children she's now pregnant and she got pregnant around the time all this was happening
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We've been to counseling both joint and individual. My wife seems to think the counselor is at fault for not agreeing with her enough. Attorney has already been contacted, but we have to wait for the child to be born for the divorce to finalize.

 

edit: She moved out about a two months ago.

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I guess I didn't really ask much of a question in my intital post. I just wanted to get some of the story down, and I thought someone might be able to relate.

 

It's hard to be involved in a relationship that completely falls apart. Although being on this forum, I'm sure everyone has experienced it to some degree or another. I mean, what are you supposed to do when the person that you've spent that much time with seems to change so drastically? She claimed that I was better than this other guy in every way but physical attractiveness, but she still can't get over him. More lies on her part? I'm unsure.

 

What do you do in a situation where you get no answers from the other party? What do you do in a situation where the other party refuses to listen to the counselor's advice? What do you do in situation where the other party seems hellbent on self-destruction? What do you do when the other party mangles the actual events when telling her friends and family the situation?

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Of course you'll only think of the good times, in 12 whole years (the length of my relationship in my first marriage) there's going to be a lot of them. But so what. You can have new ones, better ones, with someone more deserving and appreciative of your love. You should feel relieved that this pain is going to end. You will never be able to trust her, she will disrespect you still and if it's an ongoing thing for her then it's just in her nature. She needs other dude's attention. Let them have her, I know she's still your wife but is a woman that does that really such a catch? It's hard to see it now, I was in that same position looking at 12 years with someone I basically grew up with. But you realize just how happy you can be living without that agonizing pain once the dust settles and you move on. No more pain, no more wondering if it's happening again, a calm happy life even eventually with someone else that might know exactly what you're going through and will appreciate you and your love and give it in return.

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What do you do in a situation where you get no answers from the other party? What do you do in a situation where the other party refuses to listen to the counselor's advice? What do you do in situation where the other party seems hellbent on self-destruction? What do you do when the other party mangles the actual events when telling her friends and family the situation?

 

I had seen this after I posted and didn't get the chance to write just then, but this quote- for me that was when I knew it was time to end things. See it as a blessing she won't listen to a counselor. It won't be false hope keeping you in this longer. And I worried so much what my ex husband's family or friends thought especially by what I could only imagine my ex was telling them. But I had to let it go. I couldn't do that alone though, I needed this group and supportive family to help hammer that into my head. She's stayed this long and is being self destructive because it's always easier than being the one leaving. Someone's gotta do it. Maybe she's done that by pushing you to do it. Sounds like what happened with me. You don't see it now but you will like I said once the dust settles. Do yourself this favor! Keep moving forward and out of this marriage...

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Thanks for your posts, married2011.

 

edit: How did your partner press the issue with you? Were there children involved in your marriage?

 

Also, to answer the above question - I have no idea if the baby is mine (I will be getting a paternity test when he/she is born). I believe the first child is mine. Maybe I should get a paternity test for him too. It would be horrible if either one wasn't. I love being a dad, and I love that little man more than anything.

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"More lies on her part? I'm unsure."

- Yes. Even in a healthy, well-balanced marriage the wife veils her thoughts and words.

 

"What do you do in a situation where you get no answers from the other party[Wife]*?"

-Unless incompatible or false union: Wives tell all..., You didn't know how to read between the lines.

 

"What do you do in a situation where the other party refuses to listen to the counselor's advice?"

- You can't force your equal. (What was the advice the counselor offered?)

 

"What do you do in situation where the other party seems hellbent on self-destruction?"

- Discover your role in the failing marriage and never repeat it.

 

"What do you do when the other party mangles the actual events when telling her friends and family the situation?"

- It doesn't matter what she says to others, instead, only what she said to you.

 

 

So you can understand infidelity: Purchase James Dobson's "Love must be Tough". (Never let her see this book and forget what you think you know about TL)

 

* It's a marriage. (Vastly different from a relationship!)

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"Yes. Even in a healthy, well-balanced marriage the wife veils her thoughts and words."

Agreed. I'm not buying this at all. I feel like she wanted something different.

 

"Unless incompatible or false union: Wives tell all..., You didn't know how to read between the lines."

We are definitely incompatible. I get the overall message, which is she doesn't love me anymore. However, I'd like a more specific explanation. Maybe one doesn't exist? Maybe she's embarrassed to tell me? Maybe she doesn't want to hurt me more? At this point, I'm becoming comfortable with the notion that I'll probably never get an explanation. I guess I got tired of being the only one giving in the marriage. I'd always have to be the one to compromise, or she'd behave like a child and whine and complain until she got her way. She was a 100% taker, and I was expected to accommodate her at all times while getting nothing but a bad attitude in return.

 

"You can't force your equal. (What was the advice the counselor offered?)"

The counselor agreed with several key points that I made. Namely that she was being selfish and immature. She also agreed that I had a right to get upset when she stayed out late that one night while we were trying to reconcile. My wife doesn't seem to understand why that is unreasonable. She was also trying to get my wife to communicate better, because it became clear that it was a weakness of hers. I'm expected to read her mind about everything - literally everything. My wife maintained that I should instinctively know what she wants without mentioning it to me (regardless of what it is). I expect there to be a little of that in every relationship, but it became excessive in our marriage.

 

"Discover your role in the failing marriage and never repeat it."

Working on that now with the counselor. I definitely contributed, and I don't want to make the same mistakes again. To be perfectly honest, I gave up. It became a losing battle, and simply a war of attrition. She treated me poorly regardless of what I did, or how hard I tried. She was always focused on the negative aspect of things, and after so many years, I couldn't take it anymore. I would try to talk to her about how the negativity made me feel, and to instead focus on all that I did for her and the family, but she was incapable of simply saying "thanks". To be fair, there were a lot of red flags that I ignored throughout the years. A large part of me expected this (emotional infidelity / physical affair?) to happen eventually just based on the type of person she is. She desperately needs validation from other guys no matter how much or what kind of attention I give her, and will flirt excessively with whoever to get it.

 

"It doesn't matter what she says to others, instead, only what she said to you."

True. I don't wish for the truth to come out to her friends and family, because then she will be cast as a liar with them as well. But, how can she not take responsibility for her own actions?

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This is how I read what happened:

 

She got caught, denied it, you didn't buy it, she told some of the truth hoping it would placate you, you pressed the issue.

 

This is what really happened.

She started flirting this young guy some time ago. They started sending each other dirty pictures. They met for a drink once and kissed. The next time they had sex and have been having sex since.

 

She is not remorseful because she has built a case in her mind that you are such a terrible husband that it is your fault she cheated. The fact that she will not listen to a therapist proves she has built a wall to reality and the truth.

 

There is nothing you can do but protect yourself. Change the locks on the doors today. Open a new bank account at a totally new bank today. Do not touch the old money if possible, if that is not possible remove exactly half the money but do not deposit any more money into that account. Do not talk to her directly or in person alone, always make sure there is a third party of your choice there. Email is best or text message and only about the children.

 

If I were you I would pray the unborn child is his as child support is not cheap.

 

Lost

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She is not remorseful because she has built a case in her mind that you are such a terrible husband that it is your fault she cheated. The fact that she will not listen to a therapist proves she has built a wall to reality and the truth.

 

She's delusional. For real. It seems like most people can see it.

 

I'll never claim to be the worlds best husband, but, man I was pretty good to her. She had a nice cushy life with me, and now she wants to rewrite history.

 

It's frustrating.

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She's delusional. For real. It seems like most people can see it.

 

I'll never claim to be the worlds best husband, but, man I was pretty good to her. She had a nice cushy life with me, and now she wants to rewrite history.

 

It's frustrating.

 

Rewriting history is the first thing they do in their minds. She didn't do it after you caught her, she has been doing it for months to justify her cheating and lying. You see you could have been the best husband in the world but it couldn't compete with the fantasy she has built in her head with the young guy.

 

He will hump her and dump her soon enough so get this divorce going before that happens. Right now she is in fantasy land all happy that she got what she wanted but her bf will soon start backing away because he only wanted the sneaking around sex part of her. Once he gets her 24/7 it will not be any fun.

 

Strike fast and smart before her flight or fantasy hits a bump in the road. Trust me on this you need to move as quickly as possible. Do not debate her over small things but be sure to put up some of a fight on things you don't care about so you can "give in" later to get what you really want.

 

Be smart and keep your mind clear and you will come out of this in one piece.

 

Lost

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