Family threaten to disown bf if he moves out

[Trashhound]

Here's some important pieces of information I think is important to note:

-We both live in NYC. Not by choice as we were born here. We dont live in Manhatten or Brooklyn. He live in the less expensive part of it. - He is 21 . I am 24. - He has about 2 years left of school while I have one full time semester left but I cannot afford to go back. My degree is also in psychology so you can see why I'm not in a rush to finish.

So I live in a pretty ty place. My mother is verbally abusive. She's called me all the names in the book including , white, etc. I'm about a daily basis. I endure it for a very long time coming to believe that mommy and daddy yelling at each other and smashing stuff was normal. My brothers (2 of them) also have anger issues . I am awoken every Saturday morning by my brother smashing a gaming console and screaming /stomping his feet . I don't really sleep much and I'm In fact I don't even have a bed. I share it with my mother after my dad passed away ( from...ding ding. Heart problems. Probabaly from all the anger) . I just wanted to stop sleeping in the small cramped room where I, my sister (moved out yrs ago), and two brothers all were raised in. I've never known privacy. My oldest brother is 36 and lives with his momma and is a complete mommas boy. No friends. Never had a gf. No job or degree and some extreme autistic habits. I do not want to become that! My mother and I don't speak ever since the last time she kicked me out. I ran off because I thought she was going to hit me. I've been spending new years. Christmas. Thanksgiving all with my bfs family who honestly I think just tolerate me. The very first time I came over I was kicked out of their house . I never knew why but his mom came home saying it was late. This was almost two years ago. Another time she yelled at me for being there too late even tho my bf said time and time again that it was fine. I don't take blame for that one.

Many times I've needed to leave home to catch up on sleep or because my mom was being crazy. I try to be out the house at all times even sometimes going into the projects park to wait out my weekends to Not be home. I really shouldn't be doing that as my area is high in crime and I've had to run from spontaneous shootouts in my youth. Anyways my bf has asked many times if I could sleep over. Once say in yes then kicking me out last min giving bull excuses of saying it's a sin for a man and a woman to share a bed unmarried. This is not their beliefs as they leave us two stories up in his bed room alone where we have unlimited sex until about 12am. Then he drives me home. They use to let his exes in high school stay over but not me. Not sure why as they never gave him a clear answer but fine. Their house. I can respect that so he stopped asking.

Now my boyfriend whom I've been with 2 years has it great at his house. His own room in the attic with his own bathroom and 2nd room. Food. Privacy . A family that loves him. He is very lucky.

Now it was nevera secret that I've wanted to move out. I've been working on that for years and failing however I got into the field of IT and finally make enough to move out. Its impossible to have an apartment alone out here so my choice would be moving in with strangers . That's scary in itself and to my surprise my boyfriend offered to move in with me. I couldn't think of something I wanted more at the moment. Of course I wanted to be married before moving in with someone but honestly I'll take it.

So we began to save up and we will have saved almost 20k at time of move out. After broker fees and payments we will be at about 10k .

I work full time and after taxes bring home a little over 2k. He works part time working a 2nd tem job atm. With one job he will bring a lil over 1 k home.

Now the places we are looking at are 1300-1400.(these are the cheapest). Because of credit and other problems, if we get an apt we would be putting down three months rent. We have budgetted on his part time job and although he won't be left over with much , he says he is fine with it. Ill be left over with about 500.

We have been at our jobs for almost 4 months. He is at the verge of getting into nursing school so i asked him to pick a job in the summer and go to school fulltime and work part time. With the wage he makes its possible. Of course we have out emergency fund if either of us become without work. I do not think it'll take me way to long to find a job. I can take a lower paying one if it comes to that even tho I feel I wont have to. He agrees that he can find another job too.

So he finally told his parents. It didn't go well. His mother was screaming saying he was ungrateful for all the work she does ( shes a nurse) and she's worked so hard so he would never struggle but now he is putting himself in that position and if he leaves to Not come back.

That last sentence is the problem. It sounds ask if they were disowning him. She cried and left mid conversation... He cant come back? why? This is very troubling. My mom on the other hand says she hasn't kicked me cuz she feels bad putting me in the street and if she had money to make me move out she would give it to me.

I'm worried. They called him a bad son. They said they wanted him to finish school first but he isnt dropping out! I want to help him finish even if we have to cut back on spending for the next two years...

He has been so depressed its killing me. They never let me stay over no matter if it were 2 am or storming. We want our own space and now thats wrong???

She says it's risky bc parttime work isnt stable but what is?? I could get fired. So could she?

What should we do?

[gebaird]

Is your boyfriend confused about what to do, too? Being disowned isn't a small thing, and I don't think that's a decision you can make for him.

 

I'm sorry you are in such a toxic environment that is so difficult to escape. You sound like a very responsible person who is going places in life. Keep working hard, keep saving money and trust your instincts. Even though your degree is in psychology, I recommend finishing it when/if the opportunity presents itself. Just having a degree will open doors for you, and it will actually help your IT career (I'm in IT as well).

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he's way too young and attached to his family for your plans to escape your home.

 

Perhaps it's cultural, religious, whatever, but they seem to be influencing him?

 

Why don't you move in with roommates and he can visit until you are both more settled? His family is under no obligation to house you or host you.

I got into the field of IT and finally make enough to move out. We have been at our jobs for almost 4 months. So he finally told his parents. She says it's risky bc parttime work isnt stable but what is?

[j.man]

I'm in NYC as well. I wouldn't put him in a position to rock the boat with his family. As big a proponent as I am of independence, the guy's about to start nursing school. Combining that with jumping into a questionable financial situation isn't a stellar idea. Have you tried finding a sublet? Generally don't require a credit check and not nearly as much cash upfront. You'd have roommates, but you'd be out of the house. State upfront you've got a boyfriend who you're not looking to have move in, but would like to have over a couple times a week. People are generally cool with it.

 

Ultimately, it's up to him. If he really wants to move out, he's apparently gotta deal with the consequences. The last thing I'd do in your shoes is pressure him in any way or present him ultimatums like his parents evidently have.

[DancingFool]

As much as it may seem like such a great idea to move in with your boyfriend, in reality it's a very very bad move and will backfire on people more often than not. In short, do not play house together.

 

You need to move out and now that you can afford it, do it. There are agencies that set you up with roommates. They actually do a pretty good job of it in terms of matching people's living habits so you actually get along. You do need to learn to live outside of your family home and situation and see much more of life and get more experience under your belt before you ever attempt a live in relationship. From the sounds of your family, living with strangers would be a huge improvement no matter what. Either way, it's a life skill you need to develop and most people do while college age.

 

I can also see why his parents are losing their mind over this. He is simply too young to get caught up in a live in situation where he needs to be supporting himself and you. I know you say that you will support his education, BUT that's kind of the point - you shouldn't be playing mom to him or wifey. You should be working hard on supporting yourself and figuring out YOUR future and how to complete your own education. There are so many grants and scholarships out there to help you financially - you should be spending all the time that you aren't working on obtaining all those resources. That itself is a full time job but it can be done.

 

Your boyfriend, same thing. He needs to focus first and foremost on his studies, rather than how to make ends meet. If that means continuing to live with his parents, so be it. Once he has graduated and is employed, then he needs to also live on his own for awhile. Trust me when I say that you do not want a guy to move out of mom's house and straight into your house. You will quickly find yourself being less of a gf and more of a housekeeper and that is not sexy or conducive to good relationships.

 

Bottom line is that if your relationship is strong and meant to last, this is nothing. It's more like you two working hard and sacrificing a bit now so that in your future you have a solid foundation and the life experience to make things work and don't have money issues, etc, etc, etc. After all, you have a lifetime to spend together, so there is no rush to jump into things too soon.

[Trashhound]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

Honestly I just think its pretty shirt that his family would disown him for something like moving out.

I honestly just don't want to move in with strangers that'll bring strange men or drugs into my home. Thats the kind of people that live here so I'm just really stuck.

My bf wanted to move out with me which is why we were saving up for so much and even managed to secure an apartment showing.

 

Aren't all financial situations tricky? I mean I can lose my job so can anyone else.

I'm also not pressuring him. I've backed off and let him decide what to do . I don't want him to lose his family. I have no family and its a terrible feeling.

A room wouldn't be too much cheaper . We would save about 300 dollars each a month which honestly doesn't sound worth the .

I guess I'm just doomed in every corner of my life

 

Also thanks for the encouraging words. It means alot.

[Trashhound]

My GPA is under a 2.0.

 

I don't qualify for grants anymore.

[Trashhound]

Also . No one lives on their own in NYC lol. I don't fear living with him. He already does his own landuary and cooks.

[j.man]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

Honestly I just think its pretty shirt that his family would disown him for something like moving out.

I honestly just don't want to move in with strangers that'll bring strange men or drugs into my home. Thats the kind of people that live here so I'm just really stuck.

My bf wanted to move out with me which is why we were saving up for so much and even managed to secure an apartment showing.

 

Aren't all financial situations tricky? I mean I can lose my job so can anyone else.

I'm also not pressuring him. I've backed off and let him decide what to do . I don't want him to lose his family. I have no family and its a terrible feeling.

A room wouldn't be too much cheaper . We would save about 300 dollars each a month which honestly doesn't sound worth the .

I guess I'm just doomed in every corner of my life

 

Also thanks for the encouraging words. It means alot.

Then leave your 'hood. You live in NYC. $2.75 gets you from any point A to any point B. My girlfriend rented a Jr. bedroom on her own for $1150. Before that, sublet a good room for $600. This was in Manhattan. And it's not like we're not talking the Wagner Houses or anything close. Yeah, it was an area you didn't have to walk very far to find a dude selling weed and people chill on stoops, but no one ever got hurt. The neighborhood was friendly. If you gotta spend more time on the train, so be it.

 

Yes, there's always potential for something to go wrong at any financial stage of your life, but there's no reason in the world for him to participate in dumping $10k upfront for a $1300 apartment.

[DancingFool]

You are not stuck, you are free to move out of the sh$tty area. In fact you can get out of NYC entirely and live elsewhere. You are simply afraid of the unknown. There is a difference.

 

Grants maybe not, lots of private scholarship funds out there. You will need to apply, interview and even have a chance to explain the low gpa. Then again, maybe college is just not worth wasting your time on, as in it's not a good fit. Rather than being stuck on afraid, don't know what do to, look at what you are doing. Do you like the IT work? You sound confident when writing about it. So maybe that is your real true calling and something to turn into a career. It is a field where what you can get done counts for way more than any degree ever will.

 

The fences are only in our own minds. The old cliche of think outside the box..... it means more like look outside the fences you've erected for yourself of can't do this, don't want to do that, etc, etc, etc. For example, maybe continuing to live in NYC is not the best option for you. What about getting an IT job elsewhere and moving away where you can live in a clean place with nice people around, etc. Think, I mean really think and look around you. The world is broad and yours to grasp. You just have to find the courage, which doesn't mean that it's not scary, it's just that you overcome the fear and go forward.

[Trashhound]

What does the train have to do with anything?

 

Also I can't afford 1k on an apartment. How many years ago was that?

He isn't dropping 10k. It was 4k.

 

 

And I can't leave NYC. My jobs here. My school is here. If I could leave i would.

[j.man]

It was last year. Sublet a place. There are rooms around here for $500 - $700 in neighborhoods that are fine. It takes about 5 minutes on Craigslist to find perfectly safe places to sublet in every borough of the city. I bring up the train because it may be more of a commute, but that shouldn't stop you.

 

You don't need your boyfriend to move out with you.

[Trashhound]

I already commute hours away to work....

 

Anyways i have to stay in the borough im in now because of work.

Again, I'm not crazy about moving in with a stranger.

[j.man]

Yeah, you and everyone else. No one wakes up and says "I'd love a roommate."

 

But that's cool. Better off pushing your boyfriend to drop $4,000 upfront into a unit (equivalent of like 6 months of his share of the rent), cut his familial ties, and having him work part time on top of starting nursing school because you can't be bothered to break out of your comfort zone.

 

Take a step back and really ask yourself what a loving and supporting partner would encourage him to do in this situation.

[Trashhound]

Lol you are aware that we would have to pay rent anyways? We aren't losing money by putting down more in rent upfront

He is working full-time regardless of him moving out or not.

 

But thanks for the suggestions. They're noted.

[Trashhound]

And In response to youre edit.

 

I'm not pressuring him. He has to make that choice for himself. He decides.not me

[abitbroken]

Honestly, if he is not finished with school yet and he's close, it is foolish to move out unless its into a dorm. AND the bigger issue is that he would be moving out to "rescue" you because you are in a bad situation. No. Your boyfriend should not move out. YOU should get your situation decided and settled, whether you go to a women's shelter, you get a scholarship to finish school (if you have gone at all) to live in the dorm, etc. You are at the prime age to find a situation with a few female roommates. Its harder when you are 40 to find a situation like that, but you are around college age/young first adult job age where it would be easy to transition to living with 3 other young women, or find a family who are renting out the room of their daughter who recently married and have another college age daughter.

 

YOU are 24 years old and a full adult and your boyfriend is 21 and in the middle of a bachelor's degree his parents are paying for or helping with.

 

You say "no pressure" - but there is immense pressure because you are in a bad situation and therefore your boyfriend feels the pressure is on.

 

Its possible that his parents won't truly disown him - but will not support him once he moves out with you.

 

It is a really, really bad deal for him to act as a rescuer, to jeopardize his schooling, which he will resent you for, and also if he does finish and decides he is not at the same place as you are - wants to leave you or you want to leave him but its hard because you are stuck.

 

I recommend you seek free counseling for abuse survivors from your local women's shelter - you don't have to live there to get it. You may realize looking for a white knight is not the best thing for you in life in the long term. My local shelter offered to set me up in housing (not the huge room with 100 other women, but in a rooming situation.) luckily, I had a family member I was able to live with, but it was there if i needed it. They would have even helped me find work.

 

This is so not about his parents!!

[j.man]

"If you can't move out with me, I'm stuck with my verbally abusive mother. No pressure. Totally your choice."

[abitbroken]

I already commute hours away to work....

 

Anyways i have to stay in the borough im in now because of work.

Again, I'm not crazy about moving in with a stranger.

 

You can get a different job.

 

Or get a roommate. I moved in with a roommate. She had a job I found sounded very responsible. We both were on the same page with no smoking, drinking, parties in the house, etc. It worked out just fine. If you are a member of a church, sometimes church bulletin boards are helpful. Some older couples are interested in helping someone in a bad situation out, too, and will rent you a room temporarily if they vaguely know you and want to help. Also, there are people who are looking for someone to sublease (a student who has gone home overseas in the summer and needs someone to sublease while they are gone, someone who got married and their lease is not up for 5 months and they moved in with their spouse, etc.) it will be enough to get you out of your house and to decide your next move.

 

Let your boyfriend finish college. And in the two years in the meantime, you can come into your own and learn how to operate on your own without your abusibe family

[Trashhound]

I'm not going to a shelter.

 

I can't make a choice for him. He suggested moving in, not me.

[Trashhound]

I've never said that

[abitbroken]

I'm not going to a shelter.

 

I can't make a choice for him. He suggested moving in, not me.

 

Ok. Then living with your abusive family is bearable in some way for you if you are not willing to escape by any means. Also, shelters offer counseling. You can call the abuse hotline. You will get counseling in an office type setting that might not be at the shelter, but might be at their offices. Just take the first step and do that so you can at least gain some perspective. The counseling is the best thing I ever did for myself.

 

I suggest that you tell him NO about him moving in. He is trying to solve your problem rather than do what is truly the best thing for him in his life trajectory right now.

 

You have a very narrow view - you only want to move in with him. You won't consider any other option. If you won't consider any other option (finding someone with an in-law apartment or a room for rent, etc, even a friend of a friend that they can vouch for, or asking the women's shelter/abuse advocacy group to help you) then you are in perhaps a codependent situation where you are trapped in a cycle of feeding off of or accepting the abuse. You aren't taking the out on your own - you only want a rescuer

[Trashhound]

Thanks for your input.

[abitbroken]

Thanks for your input.

 

You are welcome. My ex was living in a relative's house within maybe a 10 minute drive of me. The relative had an offer on the house and he was forced to move. He told me the only option was moving out of state or at least 4 hours away so he could find somewhere affordable (live in a tent on a campground( and "what ever should he do?" He had nowhere to go. Of course I was stupid and offered him to move in with me. It was "My suggestion" much like your boyfriend is offering. However, it as the biggest mistake I made. I wish I would have said "oh well" and maybe he would have forced himself to find something nearby and actually look for a place, ask around to his friends on who had an extra room, or maybe he would have moved faraway and that would have given me the opportunity to dump him which i should have done in the first place. Him being in a bind was "presssure" for someone who is a problem solver. I am glad the relationship is looooong over. and I learned never to live with anyone again before marriage

[abitbroken]

Being in an abusive famiyl, its extremely important for you to learn to be on your own and develop yourself. You don't want to turn into an abuser or a codependent enabler yourself.