As I can't get answer from her- Please give me an understanding- WHY

[luisannalui]

So, she moved yesterday to her new apartment. She posted a picture at the apartment drinking beer and my sister posted a comment celebrating that she moved like "you see you moved out without her" (the one that betrayed me to stay with the other apt who even suggested to take me out with the cops making up an scene) For them I'm a miserable person, I know my sister said " let her stay with the furniture, she won't be able to get an apartment on her own" -not now, because I helped all them and still I was the bad one when enough was enough.

 

I just want to understand WHY shes making things see like "see I moved out without your help" When I was there supporting her, I helped her to get the job, to go out to work (she not even working that much hours now) What it hurts me the most is not that she got the apt and Im stuck what hurts me is that I put aside my debts for her and put her first and that's why I need to start from zero. But shes making things see like "I don't need you etc" because she even told me that , that its bothering me that moved without my help ,when I was the only one helping her all this time and all those people just using her! When she won't even give me money to buy groceries at the apt but she would spend it on other women drinking getting home late drunk.

 

But for her I'm the bad one bc I disconnected her line, I'm the bad one because I took her money when I only used it for her expenses, not expenses at my mother apt where she lived for free

But why shes making see things like that?

[gebaird]

Block her on all social media accounts so you don't have to see things like this and experience the resulting negative feelings.

[luisannalui]

I'll be honest. I can't stop stalking- I have a journal where I'm keeping track the times I go to her profile and what hurts me. So I take shame of my actions and realize that is not doing any good to me. But why ,I just want to understand WHY

[DancingFool]

Sounds like you were mothering her and she grew to resent that, thus the see I can do things without your help.

 

Consider going forward that relationships should be more equal and equitable and you shouldn't place yourself in the role of caretaker mom. It's not attractive and most adults will resent that. Even worse when you take the care taking so far that you start doing things to your own detriment, instead of gratitude you will simply lose people's respect.

 

Anyway, do block her and start healing and rethink your approach to relationships.

[gebaird]

I'll be honest. I can't stop stalking- I have a journal where I'm keeping track the times I go to her profile and what hurts me. So I take shame of my actions and realize that is not doing any good to me. But why ,I just want to understand WHY

 

Have you considered therapy? Constantly asking "why" isn't going to get you any closer to an answer or to healing. You are just hurting and stuck, and you could benefit from a listening ear and some professional guidance, I think. Sometimes a few sessions can be enough to get you moving in the right direction again.

[luisannalui]

Sounds like you were mothering her and she grew to resent that, thus the see I can do things without your help.

 

Consider going forward that relationships should be more equal and equitable and you shouldn't place yourself in the role of caretaker mom. It's not attractive and most adults will resent that. Even worse when you take the care taking so far that you start doing things to your own detriment, instead of gratitude you will simply lose people's respect.

 

Anyway, do block her and start healing and rethink your approach to relationships.

 

Oh you are so right! I remember an old friend that told me, when you disconnected her line was like when a parent punish a bad behaving kid by taking away something he/she wants. You are teaching her that she cannot treat you bad and still get things from you.

[luisannalui]

Have you considered therapy? Constantly asking "why" isn't going to get you any closer to an answer or to healing. You are just hurting and stuck, and you could benefit from a listening ear and some professional guidance, I think. Sometimes a few sessions can be enough to get you moving in the right direction again.

 

This is not even about closure anymore but why life was unfair for me and shes happy and moving on. She posted a picture of a sweater that was mine and she took from the storage as I put some of my stuff on her boxers. So, she have no intention to return some of my clothes, hookah, and phone. She knows I'm still paying for that phone and after all she was the one that kept the whole month saying she wants to return it and I told her not to now that she got a new one whats the sense of staying with it?

 

I like everyone responses because it helps me to understand my situation better. I am going to start therapy. I just want this to end. I know that the faster I start no contact completely the faster I move on. But God is hard.

[browser]

People are very good at rationalizing their behavior and justifying their decisions even if they're bad ones.

 

So she puts all or most of it on you- in her mind you're the bad one she's the good one, that's how she can go on with her life without all those depressing thoughts like the ones you have.

[DancingFool]

This is not even about closure anymore but why life was unfair for me and shes happy and moving on. She posted a picture of a sweater that was mine and she took from the storage as I put some of my stuff on her boxers. So, she have no intention to return some of my clothes, hookah, and phone. She knows I'm still paying for that phone and after all she was the one that kept the whole month saying she wants to return it and I told her not to now that she got a new one whats the sense of staying with it?

 

I like everyone responses because it helps me to understand my situation better. I am going to start therapy. I just want this to end. I know that the faster I start no contact completely the faster I move on. But God is hard.

 

Not really no. Pressing the block button is really quite simple and pain free. Do it and then get busy with something. In fact, every single time you feel the urge to look or think about her, make yourself do something else. Clean your house, organize your closet, do whatever stuff has been rotting on your to do list for ages, head out and join some new groups, hobbies, take a rock climbing class, whatever. Point is actively redirecting your brain to another task. Good news is that our brain can only think and focus on one thing at a time, if it's busy on something else, can't dwell on your ex.

 

Don't be surprised that you feel a sense of relief and freedom once you hit that block button.

[ShatteredMan]

luisannalui: You need to consider a therapist. I was in the same situation (if not worse). I'm not stalking as much as I used to but I still have the urge to do it.

 

I also did journals. I wrote down everything I did and felt. Now that I'm in a different space, I go back and read them to see how much differently I see and feel about things.

 

I did not feel any satisfaction in blocking and I still don't. I feel satisfaction in the fact that I just bought a house in different part of town that will now occupy the time, space, emotion, etc. that I would have given her. Also, I've now gotten back into the dating world and have met someone that has some real potential that actually may invest in the relationship, which my ex never did.

 

Check with your healthcare provider to see what counseling services they will cover or provide. It will help and it doesn't make you a weak person for admitting you need help.

[luisannalui]

People are very good at rationalizing their behavior and justifying their decisions even if they're bad ones.

 

So she puts all or most of it on you- in her mind you're the bad one she's the good one, that's how she can go on with her life without all those depressing thoughts like the ones you have.

 

 

You are right. She's lying to herself and not identifying her problems. But oneday she'll have the click, wont she? Im depress Im identifying my problems living my grief and trying to move on.

[luisannalui]

luisannalui: You need to consider a therapist. I was in the same situation (if not worse). I'm not stalking as much as I used to but I still have the urge to do it.

 

I also did journals. I wrote down everything I did and felt. Now that I'm in a different space, I go back and read them to see how much differently I see and feel about things.

 

I did not feel any satisfaction in blocking and I still don't. I feel satisfaction in the fact that I just bought a house in different part of town that will now occupy the time, space, emotion, etc. that I would have given her. Also, I've now gotten back into the dating world and have met someone that has some real potential that actually may invest in the relationship, which my ex never did.

 

Check with your healthcare provider to see what counseling services they will cover or provide. It will help and it doesn't make you a weak person for admitting you need help.

 

Congrats on moving on and going that far. Cant wait to get there and accomplish what I want ; weight loss, new car, new apt, new job- all of the goals I left behind for her.

[ShatteredMan]

Congrats on moving on and going that far. Cant wait to get there and accomplish what I want ; weight loss, new car, new apt, new job- all of the goals I left behind for her.

And you should do these things. Do them for yourself.

 

And don't get too "down" when you accomplish them. I have achieved a bunch of things (buying a new house, promotion) and it's been so bittersweet to the point where I literally took no enjoyment in them.

 

People who know what I'm going through kind of understand, but most people don't understand that the one person I hoped would be there to share in the experience....isnt.....

 

Now that I'm "rounding the corner", they are just "things that are happening" rather than things to be celebrated (isn't my mind). However, I'm sure that if she were still in my life, she wouldn't be that excited for me.