4 months later: I FINALLY HEARD FROM HIM! (LDR)

[EvaJ]

So, we go back nearly 10 years, originally as very close friends. We even lived in the same house for a few months. We liked each other from the start, but we were never together at that point as he had personal problems he needed to deal with first. Although the way we were going, we were very close to being together. I also needed some time to get over my ex at that point, but I later got into a relationship with someone else as well. After about 2 years, he left for another country and I haven't seen him since; however, for the first few years, he contacted me every now and again. He also stayed in touch with my brother (as they are very good friends) and he stayed at my mum's house a few times when I wasn't there (my mum adores him).

 

2 years ago, he first contacted me on FB and we started writing every day. It was quite innocent, but I did find out that he had loved me ever since he met me, but left for another country because he found it too difficult to watch me be with somebody else etc. We messaged each other for about 2 or 3 months and then he vanished off facebook for a very long time. I heard from him the following summer when he texted me and rang me a few times out of the blue and then there was nothing...

 

...until last spring (April precisely), which is when he contacted me on Facebook again and we started messaging each other A LOT EVERY SINGLE DAY for the next 5 months. We got so close and really really into each other. We were both madly in love and we were planning to be together as soon as I could move to where he lives (which, he knew, wouldn't be until at least the following year). Unfortunately, about half way through August he moved to another city and started a new job, and that was when he started taking longer and longer to respond to my messages. At some point in September, I suggested we stop writing because waiting for his replies for so long bugged me. In response to that he said he didn't want to stop writing with me ever, but he would if that was my wish. He also said that the reason why he was taking so long to respond was because he always came back home from work very late and very tired and that things weren't exactly going well for him then. I then reflected back on this and said that I also still wanted to continue writing and that I was sorry for putting pressure on him, but I also asked him if he was down or depressed as that was the impression I was under after his last few messages. Unfortunately, he never replied to that.

 

I felt so hurt I thought I would die and I went through all the stages of break-up, but I also decided to take the high road and not bug him for answers or explanations, even though on the inside, I was dying for them. Not sure if it was the right thing to do, but I immediately applied the no contact rule. I did, however, post on Facebook quite often, but I made sure everything I posted was positive, non-relationship-related and that it made me look like I was having fun (which I really was - well, apart from the time when I was upset, haha). No matter what I did, I could not just forget him. I missed him lots every day, but it did get progressively easier with every week that flew by. I was quite fine by November. In December I reached a point when I knew I could take him not replying again, so I decided to send him Christmas and New Year's wishes over FB messenger. They weren't written by me, just a picture kind of thing, so it was non-binding. I didn't want him to feel like I put effort into it and like it was something he had to respond to, but what I did want to do was to show him that I haven't forgotten him completely and that I had no hard feelings towards him in case he wanted to contact me, but was scared I would give him an earache after what he did.

 

And I finally heard from him last night after 4 months!!! He messaged me with an apology, explanation that he was under the impression that he was confusing me and causing me misery by not being able to be there for me as much as I needed and that he was so depressed he cut contact with the whole world and only did what he absolutely had to do to survive, but now went back home for the holidays which made him feel so much better and that everything just sorted itself out by itself. He said he was so sorry and he offered to ring me with a more in-depth explanation of what he was going through. I haven't replied yet. What do you, Guys, think? How should I respond to that?

[gebaird]

We liked each other from the start, but we were never together at that point as he had personal problems he needed to deal with first ... he was so depressed he cut contact with the whole world ...

 

I think this relationship will only work if you can handle the ups and downs of being with someone who suffers from clinical depression. When he's at his best, he'll meet your needs. When he's at his worst, he'll leave you in the cold. I would only consider pursuing this if he is actively seeking treatment. And even then, I would be very cautious and keep my options open. If you move to another country for him (which could be the eventual outcome of re-opening the channels of communication), you could find yourself in a very dark place without friends & family close by to help you through it.

[Wiseman2]

It depends. Much of it will be his justifications for breaking up to absolve himself of guilt. Could he be looking for a hookup while he's in town? It sounds odd that he has this miraculous recovery just from being home for the holidays, no?

He messaged me with an apology, explanation that he was under the impression that he was confusing me and causing me misery by not being able to be there for me as much as I needed and now went back home for the holidays which made him feel so much better and that everything just sorted itself out by itself.

[SooSad33]

I suggest to NOT go into this any further with any high hopes...

This has happened over and over.. right?

 

Last time being over a 4 mos period. Is this what YOU want? Seriously?

 

So maybe got for an occasional hello... that's it. No more expectations with him.. so you can continue to heal and move on with your life.

[EvaJ]

Thank you so much, Everyone, for replying

 

I think this relationship will only work if you can handle the ups and downs of being with someone who suffers from clinical depression. When he's at his best, he'll meet your needs. When he's at his worst, he'll leave you in the cold. I would only consider pursuing this if he is actively seeking treatment. And even then, I would be very cautious and keep my options open. If you move to another country for him (which could be the eventual outcome of re-opening the channels of communication), you could find yourself in a very dark place without friends & family close by to help you through it.

 

I'm not sure if it's clinical depression as the issues he had to deal with when I first met him had nothing to do with depression. However, that is not to say that he doesn't suffer from clinical depression now as that on-again, off-again cycle of contact could suggest that. I really don't know. I do have first-hand past experience with depression and I feel like maybe I could help him get out of it if that's what it is, but I would have to be there in person to do that. I can't do it from such a long distance. But it could have been just a one-off episode of depression just as well as he had never mentioned depression to me before.

You are so right about what it could feel like to move to another country for him. However, I have done that in the past (moved to another country where I only knew one person), I know exactly what it involves and how it makes one feel and I can say with my hand on my heart that I can deal with that, so that's not a problem as long as the love is there.

 

It depends. Much of it will be his justifications for breaking up to absolve himself of guilt. Could he be looking for a hookup while he's in town? It sounds odd that he has this miraculous recovery just from being home for the holidays, no?

 

I'm sorry if I made it sound like it, but he's not in the same town as me. His hometown (where he is now) is in a different country to the one we met in (and where I still live) and to the one he moved to two or so years after we met and where he lives now, so he's definitely not just looking for a hook-up. He could be looking for someone to help him kill time as he's poorly in bed, though...

 

I suggest to NOT go into this any further with any high hopes...

This has happened over and over.. right?

Last time being over a 4 mos period. Is this what YOU want? Seriously?

So maybe got for an occasional hello... that's it. No more expectations with him.. so you can continue to heal and move on with your life.

 

You're probably right. This HAS happened over and over and this on-again, off-again cycle is NOT what I want. I'm just thinking that it could be caused by the physical distance between us. It's so hard to love someone and stay really happy when they're so far away from you, when you can't hold them, kiss them, spend time together. The distance definitely makes you wonder if there's a point in all of this and it puts doubts in your mind. However, just like you said, I probably shouldn't go into this with any high hopes as a measure of self-protection.

 

 

Update on what's happened since I posted my thread

 

I didn't reply to his message as I was waiting to see what you, Guys, would suggest I say, but he sent me a few short follow-up messages yesterday, one including a picture of me that he got years ago from my mum's house. I replied to it straight away, saying that I didn't like that picture and we had a short exchange of messeges. He said I looked divine and like an angel in that photo (which I personally really don't like). He said that photo hangs in his old room at his mum's house. I told him to throw it away and that I'd give him some nicer photo of me to hang up. He said he'd never ever do that as he loves that photo. He then said he has to go back to the country he currently lives in (but different from where he is now) by Sunday as he's starting a new job on Monday and that he's really happy as this new job will be a lot easier but his salary will stay the same. He then said he's really ill and he's worried he won't get better in time to start his new job on Monday. I told him he should eat more veg and fruit (for the vitamins) to not get poorly like that again and then asked him a few questions about what his new job would involve etc. He answered them and asked me what was new with me. So I wrote a whole paragraph on how I've recently gone back to playing an instrument I used to play in my childhood and how I practice every day to get back to that level again. And I wrote about my brother returning to the country I live in with his girlfriend and that things are good and I'm happy. I also asked him if he still lives where he used to and what he did on New Year's Eve and I told him not to ever think that his problems are not significant enough to bother me with them (as he said in that message I didn't reply to that he didn't want to burden me with his problems because he thought they were insignificant compared to something I have to deal with everyday). I said I was here for him whether things are going well or bad and to not ever feel like he's on his own with his problems. He hasn't replied to it. Maybe he still will, I don't know.

[EvaJ]

Well, he still hasn't replied to my message, or even read it, for that matter. I'm starting to feel low again Not as low as 4 months ago, but definitely disappointed.

Yesterday, I read my old posts from this forum. It's funny how I managed to make all the old mistakes all over again when I talked to him two days ago. Well, maybe not all, but some for sure. I had promised myself I'd let him do all the talking and all the explaining and all the chasing, but once I had that opportunity, I was just so excited to actually talk to him in real time after all this time that I didn't think my responses through properly and might have come across as too happy to hear from him once again. Stupid, stupid, stupid! When will I learn?! Or am I just being too harsh on myself as usual? Ugh, I hate feeling like this

[EvaJ]

I'm also in two minds whether or not to ring him. In one of the messages he sent me, he said he'd like to talk to me on the phone and explain the reasons why he was so depressed or why he stopped replying to my messages. I told him "ok" and to let me know when he wants to talk. And he said to ring him whenever it suits me as he's online a lot till he goes back to the country he lives in (we usually use this free messaging and calling app to talk but you need Internet connection for it to work). And I guess, he's probably going back on Sunday, so tomorrow would probably be the last day I could easily reach him on it. I was going to ring him, but now I'm in two minds as he hasn't replied...

[Trinity11]

I don't know the history of your relationship, but maybe call as if you were just gonna say hi to a friend. Don't talk about the relationship, just hear about whatever is going on in his life I'm sure he would be curious about yours too. I'm sure even from that you may be able to gauge what to do next. Perhaps he just feels bad about how it all went, but may have been for the best in his mind.

[boltnrun]

Why can't HE call YOU?

 

I admit, I'm confused...you feel you may have responded over-eagerly, yet you think you should call him?? Wouldn't that just add to the over-eagerness?

[EvaJ]

I don't know the history of your relationship, but maybe call as if you were just gonna say hi to a friend. Don't talk about the relationship, just hear about whatever is going on in his life I'm sure he would be curious about yours too. I'm sure even from that you may be able to gauge what to do next. Perhaps he just feels bad about how it all went, but may have been for the best in his mind.

 

Thank you, Trinity11! You actually made me think of something I read about over and over again on all those ex recovery websites when he stopped replying to my messages in September and that I have since forgot about -- namely, that in a situation like this, when you somehow manage to re-open the channels of communication with an ex, you should NOT dwell on the past, but rather, you should start afresh, a new relationship, basically. I'm not sure if we really need a new relationship as ours worked really, really well until he moved and couldn't reply as often, but even then we stayed respectful of one another and nice to each other. No arguing or anything. You suggested I don't talk about the relationship and just hear about whatever is going on in his life if I ring him. And I think you're right. I should probably take a light-hearted approach to it so as not to scare him away with talking about my hurt feelings etc. So true! That is, IF I decide to ring him, as I haven't made my mind up yet...

 

And yes, I think it was for the best in his mind. He did say that he felt as though I was at war with myself over our relationship back when he stopped replying because on the one hand I told him I was crazy about him etc., but on the other I suggested we stopped writing because all this waiting around for his late replies every time made me miserable. And he said in his last message in September that he loved me dearly and that he didn't want to stop writing with me, but he would if that was my wish as he would never want to be the source of my misery.

 

And yes, he did say he was really sorry for cutting contact with me the way he did and asked for my forgiveness twice in that message, so he probably does feel bad about how it all went...

 

(Just to clarify, I was not that miserable because of his late replies. They just made me feel kind of off every time, if you know what I mean.)

 

Why can't HE call YOU?

I admit, I'm confused...you feel you may have responded over-eagerly, yet you think you should call him?? Wouldn't that just add to the over-eagerness?

 

Yes, it would and this is why I'm in two minds over whether I should or shouldn't do it. I want to clear the air between us because I love him and I want him back so badly, but at the same time I don't want to seem too eager just in case he's not interested anymore. Me calling him is a better idea as he said he was poorly in bed (and therefore free to talk) while I'm busy most of the time and not available for phone conversations at random times. It'd just be more practical for me to ring him, not the other way around. But I don't yet know, if I will as he hasn't replied to my last message. Difficult decision...

[EvaJ]

Well, he hasn't replied. He's been on Facebook lots of times since then and he has read my message, but couldn't be bothered to reply. I feel so let down on so many levels, but I guess, I have what I wanted - my confirmation that he's really not interested in pursuing this with me any further. I had been holding onto false hope that maybe I'd hurt him by suggesting we stopped writing and he was just waiting for me to give him a green light to make sure I wanted it as much as he did (as he is somewhat a sensitive and, in a way, a proudful guy), but I was just deluding myself. He doesn't care anymore. He must've stopped caring when I first noticed that his replies started coming in fewer and far between, back in August. Not sure where I went wrong. I wish he would've told me, but oh well... I feel so resigned now. I wish I were angry because I find it easier to get over a man when I'm angry at him, but I'm not. I'm just like: "Oh, so you don't love me anymore either. Oh, okay

If anybody can be bothered to read through this thread and answer, then could you please tell me if you think it would be a good idea to send him a thumbs-up as in: "I acknowledge that you can't be bothered with me anymore" and then not reply if he tries to make contact after that? The reason why I'm thinking of doing that is because I feel that due to the fact that I was the one to contact him first after such a long time of NC, he probably thinks now that I am okay with him ignoring my message and I want him to know that I'm not and that I'm done this time. Do you think it's a good idea to just send him a thumbs-up under the last message I sent him? I'm really really tempted to.

[Wiseman2]

It would be best to just leave it rather than send passive-aggressive and defensive hostile texts like this.

 

This sounds desperate for attention and as if you are trying to have one-sided relationship talks with someone you hung out with a couple times.

 

And this particularly after sending a few unanswered texts starts getting into bunny boiler territory.

"I acknowledge that you can't be bothered with me anymore"

[EvaJ]

It would be best to just leave it rather than send passive-aggressive and defensive hostile texts like this.

 

This sounds desperate for attention and as if you are trying to have one-sided relationship talks with someone you hung out with a couple times.

 

And this particularly after sending a few unanswered texts starts getting into bunny boiler territory.

 

I don't see how a thumbs-up is a passive-aggressive and a defensive, hostile text. I just kind of want to let him know that I understand how it is now and I acknowledge that we're done and that I won't bother him again...

[Wiseman2]

Your message is clearly hoping to provoke a response. It's accusatory and nasty. "I acknowledge that you can't be bothered with me anymore" It sounds self pitying and like a victim, but of what?

 

This alone would be accomplished without the message, by simply going no contact 6727341]I won't bother him again...

[JaggerJim]

Time to move on! This has been going on for years and yields you no closer to having him or a relationship.

 

I don't think he's interested, but is too scared to just say that. He's been stringing you along for years, time to cut the cord.

[EvaJ]

Your message is clearly hoping to provoke a response. It's accusatory and nasty. "I acknowledge that you can't be bothered with me anymore" It sounds self pitying and like a victim, but of what?

 

This alone would be accomplished without the message, by simply going no contact

 

I wasn't going to send that. I was just going to send a thumbs-up with no text attached to it.

[EvaJ]

Time to move on! This has been going on for years and yields you no closer to having him or a relationship.

 

I don't think he's interested, but is too scared to just say that. He's been stringing you along for years, time to cut the cord.

 

Thing is, until the recent events it had always been HIM who pursued ME, not the other way around. And it was HIM who was in love with me first and still thinking about me years and years after he left for another country, and asking my mum for my photo when I wasn't even there etc., so I don't really see how he was stringing me along for years, especially since I only really fell in love with him last spring/summer. Until then I had liked him (well, quite a lot, but still just liked), but I didn't develop proper feelings towards him until about June/July last year.

 

But I do agree it's time to cut the cord. I'm tired of feeling the way I've been feeling and I think I need to move on now.

[Wiseman2]

Silence is a true friend who never betrays-Confucius

I was just going to send a thumbs-up with no text attached to it.

[EvaJ]

Silence is a true friend who never betrays-Confucius

 

Oh man, but I'm so tempted... I think that by doing this, I'd get him to reply with an excuse of why he hasn't answered again and it'd then give me an opportunity to give him a taste of his own medicine (the silent treatment).

 

I know it's childish of me to want to do that, but I kind of really want him to see what it feels like and I want him to know that his actions or lack thereof, were not nice.

 

I'm so tempted...

[boltnrun]

Eva...he's not going to react the way you hope he will. And he won't feel what you hope he'll feel.

 

All you'll get is yet another ignored text.

[EvaJ]

Eva...he's not going to react the way you hope he will. And he won't feel what you hope he'll feel.

 

All you'll get is yet another ignored text.

 

You think?

[boltnrun]

Yes, I think.

 

It's going to be glaringly obvious to him that you're trying to goad him into responding to you and to keep yourself in his life.

 

He knows you exist. He's choosing to only contact you when he feels like it.

 

Texting him YET AGAIN will do nothing but make him feel annoyed or feel pity or feel superior ("look at her, she'll put up with ANYTHING just to try to keep me!!")

 

Do you value your dignity at all?

[EvaJ]

Yes, I think.

 

It's going to be glaringly obvious to him that you're trying to goad him into responding to you and to keep yourself in his life.

 

He knows you exist. He's choosing to only contact you when he feels like it.

 

Texting him YET AGAIN will do nothing but make him feel annoyed or feel pity or feel superior ("look at her, she'll put up with ANYTHING just to try to keep me!!")

 

Do you value your dignity at all?

 

Omg, do I really come across that deplorable? I had no idea... You see, sometimes we just need an outsider to look at what we're doing and help us see what we're not seeing...

 

I currently feel so low and so depressed that I don't think I can feel any lower... Apart from all this, there's something else going on in my life that's been making me feel extremely unwanted and left out in the recent months... I guess it's all taking its toll on me

[boltnrun]

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time.

 

But don't you see, reaching out and getting ignored AGAIN will not do a thing to help you feel better.

 

I get it, you think if you can get him to start talking to you again you'll feel good about yourself, but I'm telling you, this man is not the one to do it. Look at how he's been treating you! For how long? Years?

 

You can't count on him.

 

Consider reaching out to someone who you CAN count on. A friend, relative, whomever. But not someone who floats in and out of your life on his own whim and who will never be someone you can rely on.

[EvaJ]

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time.

 

But don't you see, reaching out and getting ignored AGAIN will not do a thing to help you feel better.

 

I get it, you think if you can get him to start talking to you again you'll feel good about yourself, but I'm telling you, this man is not the one to do it. Look at how he's been treating you! For how long? Years?

 

You can't count on him.

 

Consider reaching out to someone who you CAN count on. A friend, relative, whomever. But not someone who floats in and out of your life on his own whim and who will never be someone you can rely on.

 

 

I'll leave it then as I see all of you agree I shouldn't message him. Thanks to everyone who's added their two cents to this. I appreciate all the feedback I get, even if I don't originally agree with what is said. (Sometimes I come around later, though )

 

And thank you, boltnrun. You're right. He's probably not the one to make me feel good about myself again and I can't count on him

 

I've been considering deactivating my facebook for some time, just to give myself a break from all the negative feelings I've been feeling lately that staying on Facebook has been making worse lately. Do you think it's a good idea? Or will that be perceived by him as me wanting attention too? I would come back to FB after some time, but I'd like to stay off it for a while first just to live my life stress-free until I feel "healed". Just don't want him thinking I'm doing it for his attention...