On the fence

[cypressrosehil]

I've been with my spouse for a total of 13.5 years and have been married for almost 3.

 

We've known each other since Jr. High and became a couple when we were 18. The beginning of our relationship sucked. Lots of cheating (him) and we separated once in 2005. I don't know how we made it through, but we did. Things got better, our relationship changed for the better. In 2008, his Dad passed unexpectedly and that was the start of his change. He went through suicidal threats and ideation. He increased his alcohol consumption. He started using drugs. Somehow, he was still very functional- able to work and care for us. Things never got back to where they had gotten better, but we stayed together.

 

The year 2013 hit and things changed.

I had my share of struggles, especially after having our second child (2013). I went through PPD (untreated), I have anxiety problems, I was diagnosed with complex partial seizures, I am forgetful, I have gone through major downs, I have suicidal ideation (no I don't really want to do it), major depression, etc. It's stuff that I have a hard time with, but am trying to work on.

 

He went through work changes- reduced hours 2014-2015, which resulted in a lay-off (oilfield related). That was a major blow for him. He had increased his drug of choice and then stopped doing that to do another that he gets free to get his fix. He brags to his brother and to me about not doing the other stuff anymore and wants to be recognized for it, but I can't because he's doing the same type of drug, just a different method. Had he truly stopped it, it'd be different. He started betting/gambling. I'm not one of 'those women' who dog guys for watching porn, but even that had become an issue for me. Him too, since I think a mix of that and drug use has resulted in a bit of erectile dysfunction, something he's in denial of.

 

He found a job in August of this year and things were great until he allowed his ego/pride get the best of him (supervisor was clueless and he was way more knowledgeable than him) plus alcohol/drug use interfere with him going to work everyday, as he should've. In spite of this, he performed well, went over and beyond while there, and helped the shop improve during his short tenure, which ended when he got pissed off over some stupid stuff and walked out. The manager (over his supervisor) asked him to come back and if there was anything he could do for him to return and he said no. HE SAID NO. HE SAID NO!!

 

This was in early Dec. 2016 and was a major turning point for me. I am just so completely turned off and disappointed and resentful of him for intentionally quitting at a time we cannot afford to do so- at a time we are trying to get back on track and have a large amount of debt. In these past few weeks, he sure has made sure to get his alcohol and made sure to place bets in. I have been the one actively looking and applying to jobs for him.

 

Today, he was complaining about not being able to get a loan to be able to make payments and that he went out and about all day to try to get loans. While he's complaining, I'm here wishing he'd put as much effort into finding work as he did trying to get loan approvals or studying for his bets. It's complete you know what!

 

I love him, but I just don't see him the way I did. I don't know why now. I want to be nice to him, I want to get along, i want to enjoy the night and weekends with him, but I find myself not wanting to be close to him, intimately- kissing and more. I don't want to break our family up and have a broken home for our kids, but I'm having thoughts of separating. It just pisses me off that much- like I've lost respect/hope for him. I feel so on the fence.

 

I love him, I really do, but I'm tired of the life we live. I just can't see myself with anyone else except him. I don't think right in this moment is the right time to act upon this, but if this doesn't improve, I can't see myself staying forever.

Anyone understand or has anyone gone through this?

[gebaird]

This marriage seems like a ticking time bomb. Do you want to stay and wait for things to explode, or leave before that happens?

 

Escaping a situation like this is no easy task, but once the decision is made you can find a way to get out.

 

Do you think he's going to change for the better? Is that what keeps you from leaving? I think we both know the likelihood of that actually happening.

 

To me it seems like you have two choices:

 

1) Stay with him and keep getting what you've been getting

2) Get yourself and your kids out of this situation and start building a new and better life. Yes, it will be hard at first, but you'll have the possibility of peace and happiness

 

I know these probably aren't the words you want to hear, but I think it's time to take a long look in the mirror and remember who you were before this a-hole put a ring on your finger and gradually led you down the road to misery.

 

If he wants to be a gambling, porn- and drug-addicted jobless loser, you can't stop him. But you don't have to live in his self-created hell. You can create a better life.

 

Your home is already broken. Your heart is broken, too. How much more broken do you need to be before deciding you won't take anymore?

[j.man]

I had my share of struggles, especially after having our second child (2013). I went through PPD (untreated), I have anxiety problems, I was diagnosed with complex partial seizures, I am forgetful, I have gone through major downs, I have suicidal ideation (no I don't really want to do it), major depression, etc. It's stuff that I have a hard time with, but am trying to work on.

I gotta be real... could you legit raise children on your own with all these conditions? Are you being medicated? Going through therapy? For all or any of these?

 

Is he the sole breadwinner? Not holding anything against you as raising

 

You're actively looking for jobs for him. Are you looking for jobs for yourself as well? Perhaps getting out of the house and working, establishing your own sense of provision could help with some of the psychological issues you're experiencing, and truly, the guy simply may be completely checked out. What has he been doing i n lieu of work? Does he help around the house? With the kids?

 

Have you proposed marriage counseling?

[itsallgrand]

So he was using when you decided to marry him and have another child?

 

Please tell me you work and are in therapy.

 

Do you have an income of your own and a support system outside of him?

 

Is this a healthy environment, really, for your kids? Even young child feel and know and are impacted way deeper than parents ever want to admit. This - all of this - is having a negative impact on them. What's best for them?

[cypressrosehil]

I don't see him as a loser. He just has issues, as we all have issues. He has a good heart and I believe he loves and cares about all of us.

 

We both had rough childhoods and also had lack of direction growing up as I was abandoned by both parents - he was abandoned by his Mom and his Dad constantly worked and passed away at a young age.

 

He does keep the house up and cook.

He won't do counseling, he thinks it's stupid. He always drank, but after his Dad passed in 2008 (cirrhosis), it got worse, which is when he picked up a drug habit.

 

I just am so hurt and disappointed that he quit on that day because he didn't like the machine he was on. On top of it all, he isn't doing much of looking for a job. I feel he should've sucked it up, put on his britches, and felt with it. He could've stuck with that and actively searched for other employment while still employed.

He is the breadwinner and we cannot afford to not work with the bills and amount of debt we're in as a result of the layoff.

 

I don't think me going through my crap has caused him to go down this spiral bc it started way before.

Plus, I kept the majority of it in because of our kids- it was hard to pretend when I was dying inside.

 

I was seeing a Neuro and tried a few meds, but had to stop due to negative side effects.

I'm starting therapy and recently returned to work as a surgical coordinator, which has helped. It was difficult to get those services with no coverage and support when we didn't have coverage. Since he is not actively looking for employment, I've started looking for a second job.

[j.man]

Looks like he gets to be the stay at home now.

 

I can't claim the guy a saint with his destructive habits, but it's hard to put one of you above the other when you've got a smorgasbord of psychological issues you're just now started therapy for. You've both got "grown up britches" you need to slip on.

 

But if his habits persist and he won't seek therapy for himself or your marriage, you've got little room for recourse and you may want to consider putting the first spare change you get into a decent divorce attorney and exploring your options there. It can only work if both you and he are willing to make it work.

[cypressrosehil]

He had stopped using and I thought it was done. One problem is that he is a functioning addict, or can be one. It's not how you see the people on intervention.

[Ms Darcy]

To put it very simply, healthy people (tend to) attract healthy people. And unhealthy people (tend to) attract healthy people.

 

I think your husband probably has a litany of complaints about you that would be equally interesting to read on the forum.

 

Ultimately all you can do at this point is get a job, let him be the stay at home, do therapy, and set aside funds to help you should you choose to end the marriage.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Try to focus on one problem at a time because there are so many. Do you work or do you have disability? Do you have any income at all in the form of food stamps, medicaid or social services? You need to go to social services and see what applies to you and your kids.

 

That would be the first thing to sort out for the sake of yourself and your children. Do you get appropriate medical care? You need to start going to NarAnon meetings, which are intended for the families of addicts to inform yourself on your role in this and what help, support and resources are out there for you.

 

Bickering about drugs of choice or gambling addictions, debt,etc. is pointless. You need real help and real information from the outside so that you can do right by yourself and your kids. Pointing finger usually escalates to rancor and resentment and a poor home environment on top of dad being an addict and gambler who can't hold down a job.

 

Enlist the help of the resources mentioned above as well as friends and family. Be honest and don't cover up or minimize or just complain without doing anything.

I am forgetful, I have gone through major downs. I have a hard time with, but am trying to work on. I am just so completely turned off and disappointed and resentful of him for intentionally quitting at a time we cannot afford to do so- at a time we are trying to get back on track and have a large amount of debt. In these past few weeks, he sure has made sure to get his alcohol and made sure to place bets in.