My ex-girlfriend's actions are confusing

[largrem]

My ex-girlfriend and I have been best friends for about five years. She and I clicked the very first day we met and soon became very close and comfortable with each other. We were best friends for about two years before I had the courage to admit my feelings for her and I asked her out. She admitted that she also had very strong feelings for me and we began dating. That resulted in the best relationship I think I will ever experience in my entire lifetime. We had a very happy and memorable relationship that I felt so lucky to have. I planned on one day marrying her when the time was right. All of my hopes for a future with her were shattered when the unimaginable happened: she told me that she was no longer in love with me and that she wanted to break up. I couldn't believe it. I thought I was just having a nightmare and I'd wake up and she'd be right there to comfort me and tell me that could never happen. But it was very real, and I had to accept it. We talked about it that entire night. She basically explained it as her wanting a change in her life; she had been with me for 2.5 years and wanted something different. I was completely heartbroken; this was the girl I wanted to spend my entire life with and she was tired of me after two and a half years. I kept pressing her and asking if there was something else. Maybe I had changed and I didn't realize, maybe I had been paying less attention to her, maybe this was something I could fix. But she insisted that there was nothing wrong with me and that I was the perfect partner and that she still considers me the love of her life. Fast forward about two months. She and I are still broken up, but we are still best friends who communicate daily and see each other often. I am still very much in love with her and my feelings seem as if they are still growing for her. The same week that we broke up, she was already talking to a new guy. That killed me, I couldn't understand how she could already be ready to move on after less than a week of being broken up. That relationship failed, he wanted more of a friends with benefits thing rather than a relationship. She is now talking to one of his friends. This guy is not right for her, to put it frankly. They have been talking for about two weeks and all she ever does is complain about him. I mean, I guess it is understandable; he treats her horribly. But she insists that her feelings for him are so strong that she keeps giving him second chances. I expressed my opinion on the matter. I told her that he cannot make her happy, he does not have the qualities that she needs to keep her happy. She agreed with everything I said but said that all she wants is "to fall in love with someone". I cannot seem to make her understand that this is not a person that she needs to fall in love with; he is nothing like her and I know that he will never make her truly happy and she agrees with everything I tell her. She is just being stubborn. I think what hurts me the most is not her already looking for new love. It's the fact that she always says things like "I wanna be in a relationship with somebody who is *list of qualities*" and I have every single one of the listed qualities. I know I can make her happy, and I can't seem to understand how she could lose feelings for me if she keeps indirectly saying I am everything that she wants. She still insists that she has no feelings for me; she only sees me as a best friend. She also constantly tells me that I am the best person in the world and that she will never find anyone who is better than me. She has casually mentioned several times that she would still be okay with marrying me one day, yet she insists that she doesn't want a relationship with me. She gets very angry when our relationship is mentioned, she says all she wants to do is just pretend that we have just been friends the entire time so that she "doesn't get attached" to me again. I am just constantly confused by her actions. Sometimes she acts as if we are still dating. She cuddles with me all the time and is constantly staring into my eyes. But, like I said earlier, if I bring up the relationship or even her actions, she gets very angry and insists that she has no feelings for me and that she does not want a relationship with me. She says she wants to marry me, is always touching me and looking into my eyes, always compliments me(my appearance and personality), always hangs out with me(and sometimes refers to them as dates), and has told me that I am the love of her life. On the other hand, she gets angry when our relationship is mentioned, is looking for a new relationship, has told me to move on several times, and comes to me for advice with dealing with guys. I just always get so many mixed signals and never know what to think. I've just convinced myself that she doesn't have feelings for me, no matter what she does. If anyone can help explain some of her behavior it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[SooSad33]

I couldn't understand how she could already be ready to move on after less than a week of being broken up

- Often the one who ends it possibly has emotionally removed themselves from the relationship, long before they admit tthey're done...- I know.. it burns

 

This guy is not right for her, to put it frankly. They have been talking for about two weeks and all she ever does is complain about him.

- First of all... it doesn't really matter who you think 'is good for her'.

-Second... this is why we can NOT be 'friends' with an EX. **Because of the pains.. that continue, when they're moving on and you know all about it!... WHY torture yourself??

 

Sounds like she's just out venting.. having fun etc... ( and I dont know how someone is being treated horribly.. within 2 weeks??).. but, anyways....

 

Whats done is done... you NEED to work on letting her go! You cannot and did not make her 'happy'....

She seems very needy.. and is searching.. she ended things.. so now.. let her go.

 

Tell her, enough! That you cannot be 'friends' while you're trying to accept and heal from your BU.

Let her go deal with her own life her way.

 

STOP pitching in with your own comments on HER choices.. sheesh! I surely would NOT be informing my EX on his choices of whom he chooses to date!

 

 

Let go.. walk away.. work on healing. Dont be her emotional pillow.. as she moves on.

[Hollyj]

I'm so sorry for the break and pain.

 

Stop torturing yourself by staying in contact. You cannot be friends with someone when there are feelings. I think that it is cruel that she is talking about these other men, while she knows that you care for her. The "marrying me one day comment" is meant to string you along and is incredible selfish. She is screwing with you, and is not your friend.

 

You need to block her and go NC, now.

[extranirvana]

You come across like the type of guy I am. I've never been interested in fooling around I've always just wanted a serious partner even as a kid in middle school.

 

I have a girl that I'm good friends with that I've been struggling with my feelings for her on and off. We are so much a like and we get a long so well that it only makes sense for us to be partners. I'm not a big believer in fate but even when I decide to distance myself she finds a way back to me even with our lives being very different at the moment. I had feelings for her back in my freshman year of high school and I can still remember the moment I first saw her and even though I knew from that moment I had feelings for her I was really shy about telling her so we were friends for about a year until she started hanging with a guy I knew and they started dating. I panicked and told her how I felt and she said she felt the same way for me but it was too late she was dating this other guy. We talked in a very logical way about us for a few hours and she ended up breaking up with the guy over me and we dated for a few weeks before it fell apart. Mainly because I think I put her in an awkward situation between me and the other guy. I didn't tell her to choose me or him but I think that's the way she took it.

 

I started to ramble a bit but my point is I think you're trying to apply logic to an emotional situation. I know everything she says sound like you should be the guy for her but her emotions are in a different place. It took me a long time to realize that just because it makes sense on paper doesn't mean it will work. When she started dating other guys who were totally wrong for her and I would listen to her talk about them I knew that the guy wasn't right for her but it was almost like something she just had to do. I didn't get it but it was something I had to respect.

 

Right now I think things are too fresh between you two. It's gonna be hard to distance yourself because it sounds like you two relied on each other quite a bit but if it's meant to be I think you guys will find each other again or maybe you will find another person and all this drama you went through with your ex will make you the person you needed to be to find the person meant for you. I know you want her to wake up one day and realize you are the perfect guy for her but you can't wait for that to happened. Move on and better yourself and she will value you more.

 

It's not gonna end well if you keep being there for her emotionally without being her boyfriend. You will begin to resent her and feel used because you really want to be her guy. You can't force a square peg into a round hole.

[ShatteredMan]

By continuing to be a source of emotional support when you are not getting anything in return, you are setting yourself up for the biggest heartbreak of your life when she becomes solidly involved with either this guy or the next.

 

If I were talking to my ex right now and she said to me literally that she "just wants to fall in love with someone" would make me hang up, delete every form of contact information, every picture, etc. until there was no form of reminder of her to me. Essentially, that says "I want to fall in love with anyone but you're not good enough" and should be enough to register (along with all the other things that she has said) that she has no intention of investing in a relationship with you. Mine did not do this. She left many things open-ended but then moved on with someone else about a month and a half later. I have not heard from her since and our run-ins have been brief at most. This says to me that she never valued me as a long-term prospect at all. Your ex is telling you the same but she wants to make sure that she has the option to come back to you if nothing seems to work out with anyone else.

 

I don't know about you, but I don't tolerate being second place.

 

During my last relationship (which has been the bane of my existence for the past 5 months), my ex and I were at a social event that I took her too so she could meet my friends. That week, she had really cooled off in terms of contact and interaction. It was due to my over pursing and neediness to nailing her down to being in a committed relationship. I asked her at some point during the event, "Do you think this relationship is just a waste of time?". She stared at me blankly and did not answer. This was my first sign of what was to come.

 

Later she said she was drunk but the "breadcrumbing" started about a month later....

 

When someone gives you a response, either verbally or non-verbally, through action or lack of action that she does not value a relationship with you, immediately cut them off. Do not call/text them for any reason unless they are going to meet with you 1-on-1 at your place for dinner (and they must contribute to the meal in some way shape or form) and must either directly say that they want to continue the relationship (and exhibit behaviors that support this) or have mature discussion as to why you need to cut each other off. If they don't (which my ex never did and it kills me to this day), then you start working on what makes you a better person for the next relationship and DO NOT LOOK BACK.

 

This will not be easy, it will involve sleepless nights, fighting urges to stalk (either physically or electronically through social media), anxiety and pain. These these things will all make you stronger and you must stay No Contact forever.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you've become a male-girlfriend in the friendzone and that must hurt if you still have feelings for her. It may be best to step away if she's talking about her new exciting dating life with you.