Could use some advice...

[T63]

Okay; so me and my girlfriend live together, weve been dating for 8 years, and we are happy (I think) most of the time...

 

We aren't married because we wanted to get our life in order..i.e. Good jobs, house, finish schooling, ect.. almost there

 

Back in May of 2016 we hit a rocky patch. She met a guy when she went to Las Vegas and he lives 3 hours away from us. When I went to Vegas the following month for a bachelor party (she had gone for the bachelorette party) she went to his city to visit him while I was gone.

 

Long story short, she cheated. She broke up with me because she "wasn't happy" and after some digging I got her to confess she had cheated. We broke up for almost 2 months

 

I tried and tried fixing things because.. I love her. Eventually we worked things out, now here we are still together

 

That's where things get difficult though... lately she's been distant SOMETIMES. Some days she's happy, lovey, ect.. others she seems annoyed and grumpy. She's been hanging out with a girl friend a lot, wanting to spend more time with family, ect.. which with her family she wants me to go.

 

What bothers me, though.. is the mood swings she sometimes has.. and here's the tough part.. even after we got back together she continued to text the other guy/lie about it.. she finally stopped (I believe her anyways) yet she still has him on snapchat/Instagram.

 

I try expressing to her that it hurts me for that to be.. I know it's just social media but she cheated on me with him, and if she doesn't talk to him, why have him on social media?? She says they do not talk and says I need to trust her and that she only has him on there "just because" and says it's not a big deal..

 

I let it slide for awhile.. until we got into an argument. She says she needs space and that's why she goes out with friends ect.. but I told her I'm working on my trust and issues but a big step in me recovering is deleting him and cutting all ties.

 

She admired she has "a tiny amount" of feelings for him still, but no contact. When we argue she says she wonders "what if" with him. Stuff like that.. kills me..

 

Hearing all this makes me feel like I should be the one ending it.. breaking it off.. but I love her and I believe in working things out and moving forward..

 

I asked her, for me, to delete him off the stuff if she truly loves me and cares about how I feel. It appeared to be a very hard choice for her because she just stared at me. She finally did it, stating she needs to think and she doesn't know if she wants to be with me anymore..

 

I'm not perfect, I have my issues with trust now, but is it selfish for me to ask her to delete him because it hurts me? I feel like it's needed for me to feel better and be better for her

 

Just yesterday we were happy. Today's different and she isn't sure if she even wants to be with me. It hurts; but part of me thinks it's best if she doesn't love me to just leave.. but she's really the only girl I've wanted to be with.. good times and bad.

 

Anyways; any advice is helpful..

[reinventmyself]

I feel for you and I wouldn't have stuck around as long as she felt she needed to have him on social media.

Had she truly been 100% invested in the relationship with you she would have cut ties long ago without you asking to do so.

Keeping contact with him 'just because' is a constant reminder for you that she wasn't faithful.

 

You speak of your insecurity issues as if you have some character flaw.

Cause and effect. She cheated and you have worked hard on learning to trust her. You don't have an `issue'

She does and you are trying to overlook it.

Yet she couldn't cut that last tie with him?

 

Personally, I'd let her go. You can't keep her anyway. I don't know if I would break up with her at this time but I would certainly give

her alot of room to find her way out or her way back. She can return with the condition that she is just as much committed as you are.

Or. . it's best to call it a day.

[Wiseman2]

Please don't get married. The cheating isn't going to stop. Is she planning on moving out or just "being unhappy and confused"?

[T63]

Thank you reinventmyself for the advice and wiseman2 for the imput..

 

So after a long talk she said she needed to think .. she took a shower and when she got out she told me she deleted him. She said she isn't sure if "this is what she wants" because I'm smothering her and too insecure and it's gotten worse since we got back together.. which, is because of what she did.

 

She calmed down and she said we aren't breaking up. She's very... Idk how to say it. She's not good with feelings and she would rather tell me what I want to hear than deal with our problems. If we do talk, I talk and she yells.. it's a difficult situation.

 

I don't think I'll break up with her but I think I need to start giving her the space she asks for, and do my own thing mean awhile.. maybe she will realize me loving her as much as I do isn't a bad thing.

[ParisPaulette]

She said she isn't sure if "this is what she wants" because I'm smothering her and too insecure and it's gotten worse since we got back together.. which, is because of what she did.

 

Look, I've been through a similar situation and I've also had training, some anyways, as a couples counselor. The one thing that will kill, absolutely kill and stop both partners from moving forward strengthening their relationship after infidelity is not fully cutting ties with the other guy. And that's the problem here. She has worked overtime trying to keep him in her life and gets unhappy only when you rightly so I might add, insist she cut him out altogether.

 

It can't be you and you alone who keeps trying and working to hold it together if she isn't going to have the same level of commitment. And honestly, she doesn't. Or she'd have deleted the other guy off of everything, including - okay especially snapchat where she can hide contact with him really easily - and she'd have committed 100 percent to you. Not tried to gaslight you with, you're smothering her because you instinctively know she isn't 100 percent honest and faithful to you and she hasn't been.

 

The only reason she's now talking about breaking up is because she's starting to realize you may not be able or want to stay in the dark while she enjoys you and this other guy, and I'm sorry, but you need to read your post again and again until it sinks in. She has never ended contact with him and has no interest in doing so to save your relationship.

 

And relationships are made up of two people, so they both have to make an effort. From your post I see a lot of her gaslighting you and making you back off by accusing you of insecurity (she cheated on you, what does she think is going to happen and why on earth does she think you shouldn't feel insecure about that????) while she still has this other guy in her life.

 

Think this over and look at her actions, not her words. Also look up gaslighting and then examine why you think one-sided love alone can fix this, because it can't. She has to want to let the guy go over you and she isn't and hasn't and still doesn't want to. As much as it hurts to end a relationship, trust me on this from vast experience I shouldn't have in this topic, it will hurt your own self-respect and self-esteem so much more to stay when you know you can't trust your partner, but you're willing to accept their misdirection to maintain the illusions you think you need. (Hint: you really don't, but it takes a few months of no contact and them out of your life to wake up to that.)

 

I hope you make the right choice for you, she already made her choice. Repeatedly. And it's been keeping you in your place, but just not that she's really choosing only you. I know you think you giving her space will handle the situation, but what exactly does that mean. Really take an honest look at your actions. Were you telling her in any way, shape or form that she couldn't go out with friends, couldn't go live her life, couldn't go to work, couldn't do anything - except remain in contact with this guy she cheated on you with? Were you really honestly smothering her and looking over her shoulder, or was it just that she doesn't like you asking her to please end contact, all contact with this guy, to show you that she's serious about saving the relationship? You need to really examine that.

[T63]

Look, I've been through a similar situation and I've also had training, some anyways, as a couples counselor. The one thing that will kill, absolutely kill and stop both partners from moving forward strengthening their relationship after infidelity is not fully cutting ties with the other guy. And that's the problem here. She has worked overtime trying to keep him in her life and gets unhappy only when you rightly so I might add, insist she cut him out altogether.

 

It can't be you and you alone who keeps trying and working to hold it together if she isn't going to have the same level of commitment. And honestly, she doesn't. Or she'd have deleted the other guy off of everything, including - okay especially snapchat where she can hide contact with him really easily - and she'd have committed 100 percent to you. Not tried to gaslight you with, you're smothering her because you instinctively know she isn't 100 percent honest and faithful to you and she hasn't been.

 

The only reason she's now talking about breaking up is because she's starting to realize you may not be able or want to stay in the dark while she enjoys you and this other guy, and I'm sorry, but you need to read your post again and again until it sinks in. She has never ended contact with him and has no interest in doing so to save your relationship.

 

And relationships are made up of two people, so they both have to make an effort. From your post I see a lot of her gaslighting you and making you back off by accusing you of insecurity (she cheated on you, what does she think is going to happen and why on earth does she think you shouldn't feel insecure about that????) while she still has this other guy in her life.

 

Think this over and look at her actions, not her words. Also look up gaslighting and then examine why you think one-sided love alone can fix this, because it can't. She has to want to let the guy go over you and she isn't and hasn't and still doesn't want to. As much as it hurts to end a relationship, trust me on this from vast experience I shouldn't have in this topic, it will hurt your own self-respect and self-esteem so much more to stay when you know you can't trust your partner, but you're willing to accept their misdirection to maintain the illusions you think you need. (Hint: you really don't, but it takes a few months of no contact and them out of your life to wake up to that.)

 

I hope you make the right choice for you, she already made her choice. Repeatedly. And it's been keeping you in your place, but just not that she's really choosing only you. I know you think you giving her space will handle the situation, but what exactly does that mean. Really take an honest look at your actions. Were you telling her in any way, shape or form that she couldn't go out with friends, couldn't go live her life, couldn't go to work, couldn't do anything - except remain in contact with this guy she cheated on you with? Were you really honestly smothering her and looking over her shoulder, or was it just that she doesn't like you asking her to please end contact, all contact with this guy, to show you that she's serious about saving the relationship? You need to really examine that.

 

Thank you, for everything you said. We're getting into it again tonight.. and this made me feel somewhat stronger..