I Cheated And I Don't Feel Bad

[mizmaddengrace]

My now ex-boyfriend and I were friends before we ever started dating. We met at an old job we both shared. While we were friends the conversation was great and I was living with my boyfriend at the time. When he and I broke up on bad terms, my most recent ex, let’s call him C, was there for me. We were really into each other but I wanted to wait awhile after I broke up with the other guy, A.

About 3 months after A left, C and I hooked up after work. We were close, there was all this sexual tension, and we gave in to it. Things were going great. Fast forward a year later and he gets fired from our job. He was always late and he always had an excuse. I came to realize that he was quick to find excuses or to blame others when he messed up. He rarely fessed up to anything that he did.

Around a year after that, I quit. I didn’t get along with the boss there and the work was not stimulating and made me depressed. I moved in with C until I found another job, which I know was really gracious of him. What I didn’t appreciate was that in the year between his losing his job and me walking out on mine, he didn’t get another job and wasn’t actively looking for work. He said he would do it when I wasn’t there, but that doesn’t make any sense. He could have looked for work while I was there because it’s not like I was distracting or interrupting him. In the 8 months between me leaving my old job and finally settling with my position with the city, I was hired by 3 places, including my current place of employment.

He didn’t have as long a resume as me so I tried to consider that but even though I knew I had the advantage in finding work, the problem was that he never tried. And he never enrolled in school to better himself, either. Instead, he would blame his parents for never encouraging him and when I pointed out that he was an adult now, and I was tired of hearing that excuse, he blamed it on bad luck.

It’s one thing if the economy’s going through a hit, it’s another if you’re telling me you can’t find work and you won’t even accept a job anywhere that you find “beneath” you, until you enroll in school and get on your feet. I would never shame him or anyone I was with for the type of work they do. An honest paycheck is worth respect. I never told him to be a millionaire banker on Wall Street. I never told him to buy a Ferrari or even to get a car, at all. I did tell him I was tired of paying for everything and he needed to pull his weight because I wasn’t saving any money to leave.

He did nothing to acknowledge my concerns and gave me fairy stories of getting married and what our apartment would look like and what our kids would look like. He played video games all day and most of the night. He was getting fat. He was always in a bad mood. He wasn’t a real man in my eyes and he was turning me off and frustrating me more and more. Add the dysfunctional family he lived with, and it was a recipe for disaster, as cliché as that sounds.

Finally one night he came in at 2 in the morning when he knew I had to get up at 6, carrying a computer tower he brought to his friend’s house because they were doing something to the video card, I think. He made noise, turned on the lights, and had the audacity to fight with me when I complained that I actually had to be somewhere in a few hours. I know that was confrontational, but it’s true.

That was it for me.

I put up an ad on Craigslist for cops and military men and fire fighters because those men were always the real deal in my eyes. I wasn’t disappointed. I met two guys in particular who matter a lot to me. One is more casual and the other guy, T, is the best man to have ever entered my life. In fact, he was so good to me that I finally broke up with C for him. Until I met T, I occupied my time with the first cop I met, a guy I’ll call G. He was funny, aggressive in a good way, assertive, cute, confident, sexy through his confidence, and the BEST lover I have ever had, ever.

So the point of writing this crazy, confusing confessional is that I cheated and I don’t feel bad. I know I should feel some type of remorse for what I did but I feel none. I think it was his fault for not manning up and ignoring my repeated requests to fix things. It’s not like I was unhappy and never told him. He never took what I said seriously enough to change in the way I needed my partner to be.

So, was I wrong or did he get what was coming to him?

[WithLove]

What's done is done. While your ex did do a lot to push you away and strain the situation, it's just as much your fault for allowing said situation to progress to where it did and ultimately that's what made you cheat.

 

Best of luck to you in this new relationship. You've cheated before and I hope you don't find excuses to cheat again.

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

Either way with all of his mistakes or lack of motivation....

 

You're a cheater.

 

You win ...you really showed him

[Wiseman2]

Craig's list is ideal for what you are doing. If you hate and resent this guy so much why not end it and move out?

[mizmaddengrace]

I did as I mentioned in the post

[Unreasonable]

Were you wrong? Well, yes in my opinion. The more honorable thing to do, imo, would have been to leave him, and THEN sleep around, at the very least then you wouldn't be risking exposing your partner to STDs.

 

Should you feel bad? Well, I personally would, but that's between you and your own conscience.

 

It sounds to me like you have completely rationalized your infidelity because of his lack of ambition. If that works for you, fine.

[rosephase]

You don't feel bad for wasting all that time with someone you didn't respect or love? You don't feel bad that you are so terrified of being alone you would rather stay with someone who means nothing to you and cheat? You don't feel bad that you started this new relationship you care about by being dishonest?

 

I cheated when I was younger and I was shocked that "I didn't feel bad". It wasn't until years later that I was able to figure out that I did in fact feel crappy. I want to be a person I like and respect. And while I didn't feel guilty about having sex with someone I was into when my relationship wasn't working... it took me a while to feel how it ate away at my self respect, self trust and self love.

 

I think the fact that you came here to tell a bunch of internet strangers that you don't feel bad is probably a sign that you are trying to prove something to yourself.

[mizmaddengrace]

I see what you mean. I'm not looking for pity in this situation. I just don't know why I don't feel bad. It feels sort of sociopathic of me.

[mizmaddengrace]

No I'm looking to understand why I don't feel bad. How did you come to terms with it? Did you see a therapist?

[mizmaddengrace]

I never want to cheat again. I never did it before him and I don't want to do it to hurt T or anyone again. I just learned to hate C so much because I resented the lies and false promises. I should feel like an a** hole. I just needed to get it off my chest, I guess.

[j.man]

Does T know you cheated on your ex with him? If so, I wouldn't worry about ever hurting him. I'm sure he knows better than to invest himself.

[mizmaddengrace]

I didn't want to show anyone, anything. He doesn't even know. I felt like I wasn't respected so I set out to disrespect him.

[WithLove]

I never want to cheat again. I never did it before him and I don't want to do it to hurt T or anyone again. I just learned to hate C so much because I resented the lies and false promises. I should feel like an a** hole. I just needed to get it off my chest, I guess.

 

If you justified it once, there's every chance of justifying it again. Don't go down that road. Next time, when you recognize that you're feeling resentful and you don't want to be in the relationship anymore, end it.

[mizmaddengrace]

No I met him and we talked for weeks and he was so kind and such a good person that I didn't do anything with him until I was straight with C and told him I was done. I moved out and haven't looked back. T knows about the situation. I meant C doesn't know.

[mizmaddengrace]

You're a thousand percent right. Thank you.

[rosephase]

No I'm looking to understand why I don't feel bad. How did you come to terms with it? Did you see a therapist?

 

Time. Time and learning to forgive myself. When you can't forgive yourself there is no point in trying to feel pain.

 

For me it happened because I decided to live my life in a way a respected... not that it happens over night. Figuring out your own system of values... not just the ones that were handed to you. I think the shock of not feeling bad is because our culture teaches us that we should... and it's odd when you don't feel like a horrible evil person for getting your needs met. And the truth is that you aren't a horrible evil person. Like most people who cheat you are just a person. Flawed, with needs and desires. But I remember feeling shocked that I didn't hate myself, that I enjoyed it and I wanted more. But all of that was before I started building up my personal ethics. I wanted to respect myself and like myself and trust myself. And to do that I needed to treat the people in my life with respect. Respect isn't staying with someone if you don't like them. Respect is walking away if you can't live by relationship agreements.

 

It sounds like you might have a problem with respecting yourself... why on earth did you stay so long with someone you didn't like? Why did you wait until you had someone to be with before you left a broken relationship? Start asking yourself hard questions. Start figuring out who you want to be in the world.

[lostandhurt]

If you do not want to cheat again then don't cheat? It isn't like you trip and fall onto a guys wiener, it takes thought and some planning. You chose to cheat plain and simple. Is what your bf did or didn't do worth the reaction you planned out?

 

What happens when the next guy messes up? Another CL add?

 

To answer your question: Yes you were wrong and yes you should feel bad for what you did. You posted an ad in CL just to have sex with other men! This wasn't some dumb drunken episode, it was well planned out and executed.

 

It is obvious you never cared for your bf. Next time leave if you do not respect him or care for him.

 

Lost

[Scoe141]

I just don't know why I don't feel bad. It feels sort of sociopathic of me.

 

Are you putting yourself in the same category as Deidre Hunt or Diane Downs? If you seriously think you're exhibiting sociopathic behavior, then perhaps you need a professional to talk to.

 

Someone with no empathy over hurting another human being is scary.

 

Best of luck..

[Wiseman2]

A lot of people with no particular personality disorder simply revel in revenge sex. Happens all the time. Often people cheat with no remorse whatsoever only that they got caught.

 

It doesn't mean there is underlying pathology unless there are specific patterns and reasons. You went on a wild sexual free for all ride after becoming exceedingly contemptuous of your partner. Happens all the time. There's really nothing "special" about cheating nor Craig's list. Craig's list is often about cheating and no strings sex.

I just don't know why I don't feel bad. It feels sort of sociopathic of me.

[mizmaddengrace]

I love what you just said. It's true, I guess I really do have to analyze why I allowed myself to be unhappy. I think maybe a trip to a therapist might help me get a handle on what's going on inside of me. I never feel ugly but I do feel unlovable, sometimes. that's self-inflicted and also some residual hurt left over from childhood. Thank you for hearing me out and not burning me at the stake.

[pippy longstocking]

So, was I wrong or did he get what was coming to him?

 

You are wrong, you should have ended the relationship , then got with a, b c and d

[mizmaddengrace]

Oh yes, I'm definitely going to look into a therapist. I haven't heard of either of those people but I worry myself because I feel zero remorse for what I did. I never cheated before but I have a history of not caring about how people feel, at all, amongst risky behavior and other signs that I'm kind of cold. The only people I feel any kind of compassion for are the helpless. This is really concerning me. Thanks for the advice.

[itsallgrand]

It just sounds petty and childish to me, honestly.

Little kids justify hurting others because they aren't getting what they want. It's a skill parents usually try to teach a child as they grow - to have empathy. Perhaps you just haven't really learned. It sounds to me like you use men until they don't serve your needs anymore. And yes, that is rather callous. Where's the personal responsibility there? It's ironic you got so mad at him for not taking responsibility for his own choices. Like attracts like, as they say.

[Scoe141]

Good for you for recognizing things you need some help with.

 

Hoping for the best.

[IAmFCA]

Withholding sex and having sex with others are both passive aggressive behaviors that are fairly common. To avoid, its important to learn how to be comfortable when in confrontations. Then to learn how to assert yourself with kindness.

 

For starters.