Unfullfilled and wasting my life *long*

[Lonelywife28]

When we met, were were both fresh out of long term relationships and it was never supposed to be anything serious. Somehow, we ended up together for the next 5 years and we moved in together after 1. I went from living with my parents to living with him.

 

Our relationship had no honeymoon phase. We got along like best friends mostly, and the sex was out of this world in the beginning. But, He has never been, and never will be the romantic type. He's actually not even that nice or interesting.. or fun to be around, for that matter. Hes negative and dull, and very different from me. He is usually On his phone playing games 24/7 or at work and rarely even looks up to greet me. We dont talk, aside from very casual mundane daily things. Hes not a gentleman at all, so I will never come home to flowers and he will never tell me im beautiful. He shows no interest in learning more about me, creating any kind of memories together, making plans, setting goals,discussing anything at all, or growing as a person. He does absolutely nothing around the house and doesnt complain if i dont either.

 

But once upon a time, we were very close.. we overcame alot of struggles and learned many life lessons together. We seemed to have found exactly what we needed in each other at exactly the right time. A big part of my growing up process was done with him by my side. Things have changed now though, and i cant shake this gut feeling that we have just outgrown each other..like whatever purpose we served in each others story has come and gone.

 

When we got married, we just mutually decided on it one day. I was 26 and he was 30. He didnt propose, we had a very short engagement, and the wedding itself was low key and basic. His mom organized the whole thing. It was in his sisters backyard with family only and we had no honeymoon. I only missed one day of work and that was the wedding day itself. We had already lived together for 4 years, so not much changed at all.

 

it has now been 1.5 years since the wedding, and im starting to doubt whether or not i love him anymore. We have nothing in common and sex is nothing but a distant memory. We dont even fight because we barely speak. I lost a pregnancy about 2 months ago at 12 wks. Due to the pregnancy and few other factors, i have put on a little weight. Recently he admitted to me that he is no longer attracted to me sexually because of the weight gain.

 

in the weeks leading up to him saying that, i had experienced a sudden surge in my sex drive ..but due to his loss of attraction for me(which i didnt know at the time), he kept turning me down,which caused alot of sexual frustration for me,and put a bigger wedge between us. since he made that confession, my sex drive has hit an all time low and suddenly i find myself feeling very insecure and self conscious.

 

Lately, my head has just been spinning, and ive really been putting things into perspective, assessing my own wants / needs, and really questioning our whole relationship. I can definitely admit and recognize that i hold resentment towards him for the fact i dont have children yet at 28, and the possibility of that changing any time soon is not very promising, due to the recent death of our sex life. I should also add that ive been an active stepmother to his 7 year old daughter for 6.5 years, so he spent a big portion of our relationship adament that he wasnt ready for another kid,that he didnt want to have one with someone unless he was 100000% sure they would last. So i waited. And waited. While watching everyone i knew have babies who grew into kids, i had the thankless job of a part time weekend stepmom, (which came with its own set of struggles and problems) but never my own child.

 

I also admit that i feel kind of cheated out of the cute love story/romantic proposal/happy ever after that i feel most other people get a chance to experience at least once in their life.

 

When i look at him... i feel nothing.. just a little bit of regret, some resentment and hint of nostalgia. And now here i am stuck; married,miserable, held back, and trapped, in a mediocre life at best, and making vert little progress, if any at all. We share a rental lease together, a car, a dog, a joint bank account, and bills/debt. I'm not getting any younger. I have time and assets invested that i can never get back. I feel like i wasted all those years on him and i have no one to blame but myself for not realizing this sooner.

 

We are not poor but certainly not rich either and i dont have money sitting around to just go and get my own place. Besides, its not like i hate him or wish him any kind of harm, so leaving him high and dry for no real reason seems harsh, since we both rely on the dual income to get by. I suppose If i really wanted to, i could leave.. but it would not be easy, or an overnight process. I feel like its not bad enough to leave but not good enough to stay. I just want more out of life. And honestly, At this rate, i dread the thought of what life will be like 10 years from now if i dont make a change.

 

I am bitter about the fact that i gave him the best years of my life and have nothing to show for it.. not even the security of unconditional love, since hes only attracted to me when i look the way he wants me to., im also very aware that no good will come from clinging to a mistake just because i spent alot of time making it. I just dont know what to do.. and with each day that passes i just feel like my options increasingly become more limited.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Why the sudden rush-rush wedding? Has the topic of family ever been addressed? Do you work? Can you afford a divorce or move back to your parents?

 

Please see a doctor about your medical issues and a referral for an evaluation and treatment with a therapist so that you can make decisions based on clarity, not on needing financial support and a place to live.

I went from living with my parents to living with him. Recently he admitted to me that he is no longer attracted to me sexually. i dont have children yet at 28. ive been an active stepmother to his 7 year old daughter for 6.5 years, so he spent a big portion of our relationship adament that he wasnt ready for another kid. i dont have money sitting around to just go and get my own place.

[Andrina]

Something needs to change, whether it be establishing an emotional connection which you two are lacking, or ending it. The most alarming part is that he claims to not be sexually attracted to you now that you gained a little weight. If you mean 20 pounds or less, I would just throw in the towel and get out now. To me, a person like this is shallow, doesn't love you, and not worth even pulling out all of the stops before exiting.

 

If you want to try everything before ending things, try communicating how you feel, what you want (what he can do to make you feel loved), and see what happens. If he cares, he will listen and come up with solutions with you. You can also ask him what he'd like as far as improvements in the relationship. If he doesn't care, you will clearly see this. If he's willing to try but neither of you have skills, try counseling. Articles on how to improve an emotional connection can help. Read them together and apply them as homework. Let us know how it goes.

[JaredTheGhost]

Your story sounds miserable and I advise you to take the first step towards separation. First off: anyone who loves you will never find you less attractive whether you gain or lose weight. Love is not superficial; lust is. Why carry on in such a miserable commitment when you have the right to put yourself first and find happiness? If this persists, you will age alone and miserable, because the love is surely not there. Having a spouse who is more like a room mate is something I'd barely tolerate, to be honest. You're missing out on the opportunity to be happy in life. I would suggest to not try and fight over assets, because material things are worthless. Take time to figure yourself out, because you need to discover yourself again before you attempt another relationship and go from there. I think your head is in the right place, but be fair about the whole thing, too. Don't try to ruin his life or take his possessions.

[mizmaddengrace]

The way you feel is very justified. It's not harsh to leave because you feel unfulfilled. The fact that he makes you feel empty is reason enough. I know divorce is never easy but you have to address this situation, head-on. Everyone in a committed relationship deserves to feel unconditional love, not to feel like their partner's love comes with a compromise. I was in an unsatisfying relationship and it made me miserable enough to cheat. It's not worth it. If you feel full of regret now, imagine how you'd feel after that?

[Lonelywife28]

Ugh. The wedding was never intended to be rush rush, really. At the time we had nust moved to a new city, we were happier than ever, and while we were out one night it came up and we concurred that we were pretty much married already so why not take the plunge? My parents are still happily married after 30 years and i hold a strong belief in the sanctity of marriage...i always said it wasnt the wedding i dreamt of a little girl it was the marriage. I could have cared less if we did it at city hall or in an elvis chapel somewhere in a dress from walmart. i just wanted his last name and the title, everything else was irrelevent to me. We went to visit his mom and we told her that we were going to get married and she went bridezilla and took over the whole entire thing including planning the date and organizing everything. I didnt even pick out my own dress or try it on before it was purchased.

 

I do have my own full tome job and so does he, but im just a dispatch telephone operator and dont earn too much above minimum wage. I dont have any savings at the moment. We have definitely addressed family, i was pregnant only 2 mos ago and couldnt have been happier. I miscarried at 12 wks and that seems to be around the time everything started to fall apart. Even during the pregnancy, our relationship was nothing like this, we were getting along great. I absolutely know i want a family, he howevr, seems indifferent . I honestly think he goes along with it because he knoes that it means a great deal to me. It frustrates me that i have made similar sacrifices that a mother would for my stepdaughter and although i love her like my own child, the fact is shes not, and it will never compare. He doesnt and never will understand the emptiness i feel over not having a baby because he has one already. And he most definitely doesnt hear the biological clock ticking as loudly as i do on a daily basis. Iknow if i never have children that i will always have a very big empty void in my soul.

 

My parents are an option , although a last resort. I would have to get rid of my dog who i love dearly and they dont have much room. But its still a possibility. I am sitting on the fence right now trying to decide what the hell to do because as i mentioned before, its no bad enoufh to leave , but not nearly what i want for the rest of my life either. We do have a lot of history and not all times were ba, and im just having a hard time giving up on it when he has been in my life so long and all that wee been through together is just hard to make the first step and walk away. I hate change, and not to mention i am emotionally stunted, as i have not been single since i was 17 year old, living with my parents and still in high school, which seems like a different century now. The thought is very overwhelming and scary to be honest.

[Lonelywife28]

I have a friend who has offered me her extra room.. she said i cant stay a week, a month, or long term if thats what i decide to do. What im leaning towards right now is maybe a trial separation for a week or a month. Maybe then he will appreciate me. if not, then maybe i will just end up staying long term. The friend is ok with me bringing my dog which is definitely a huge relief..if we decide that we want to work in it after the separation, i will only consider it if marriage counselling is on the table.

[Lonelywife28]

To the person who said they becamd miserable enough to cheat.. let me tell you that it has crossed my mind multiple times and i wouldn't doubt one bit ot would eventually get to that point. My husband makes me feel average looking at best, never compliments me or seems to notice anything other than the weight gain. I havent felt desired by anyone in a very very long time and there is no passion whatsoever. Its definitely somrthing missing from my lide and i can only imagine the temptation if someone came along and treated me differently.

[Illinoising]

Only an would claim he isn't attracted to you because of weight gain, because you lost HIS babies. I say you need to lose 200 lbs tomorrow. Go see a divorce lawyer and find yourself a real man. One that isn't mentally abusive. If you don't, then do not cry about waiting your life away. Your still young enough to find a new man and have a baby. Don't allow someone to steal your joy. And make it clear that he is a total and I'd mention that YOU find him repulsive as well. Let him stew on that for a while. Even if it isn't true....this bastard needs taken down a few notches. Tell him he farts too much, is a lousy lay and smells bad.

[AndyBailey]

Have you consulted to a lawyer yet?