Cheating father

[Q0s2ihcddd]

I was using my dad's computer two days ago (with his permission) and wanted to log in to Facebook. I typed in Facebook in the top bar and pressed enter, but it had already been logged into another account. I was curious because my father notoriously hates Facebook, and the account name was some weird nonsense. I thought he was using it to spy on MY facebook and was annoyed, until a message popped up from this woman, saying my dad's name and asking whether he got her text. I saw that she was this person was his only friend on Facebook, which made me concerned. I read through their past messages and it confirmed that they were having an affair, for over a year now. She was one of the other teachers at my dads school, where he teaches.

I feel completely betrayed (I'm only 17), but also sorry for my mother, who is the sweetest person I know. She adores my dad and they seemingly have a very loving relationship (I used to think too affectionate), but apparently that isn't enough for my dad.

I can't describe the anger I feel towards him, and want to tell my mum so badly but I also don't want to hurt her feelings. I've contemplated confronting my dad about his infidelity, but I'm afraid of what will happen once I've told him. I also kind of want to have something (like this) to hold over him. We never got along, and I know this sounds mean, but I'm so angry about what he's done to my mum that I just want to use this secret against him somehow, although this isn't a very rational idea.

I would really appreciate some advice on what to do. Should I tell my mum?? Leave the situation (as I 'll hopefully be moving out after high school finishes in a year)?? Or confront my father ???

[Seraphim]

I would stay out of it. Even as children who live in a parent's home we don't know the full extent of the relationship . I know it is painful but it is best to stay out of it .

[Unreasonable]

Well, all I can say is, if I were your dad, I would prefer you came to me first. Make it absolutely clear how you feel about this and that you do not want to live with this secret for the rest of your life and that you expect him to tell her about it. Screenshot all this tough beforehand so he can't minimize it, but DO NOT EVER use this as a blackmail device.

[Seraphim]

Even if you get all into it this is not going to go away. I remember the last time my dad cheated on my mom and how do I remember that because she dragged me all into it . Not that she couldn't help it because my dad was cheating on her with her brother's wife . The person who had been one of her best friends since they were in their early teens . My mom would drag me around to help "catch them ." Well ,I think I was about 23 or something and now I'm 50 so obviously it's not something I've forgotten . So even if you get up all in there in your parent's business it is not going to feel " righteous."

[Wiseman2]

Admit to the snooping to your father and give him a chance to explain. You are making vast assumptions and need to confront your father with the findings of your snooping.

 

Do not run to your mother with your false allegations, just for drama and the attention you are obviously looking for..

 

Why else are you angry at him about? It sounds like you are looking for a smear campaign because you don't get along. Confess to snooping to your father.

I also kind of want to have something (like this) to hold over him. We never got along, and I know this sounds mean, but I'm so angry about what he's done to my mum that I just want to use this secret against him somehow, although this isn't a very rational idea.

[qwaspolk82]

I was using my dad's computer two days ago (with his permission) and wanted to log in to Facebook. I typed in Facebook in the top bar and pressed enter, but it had already been logged into another account. I was curious because my father notoriously hates Facebook, and the account name was some weird nonsense. I thought he was using it to spy on MY facebook and was annoyed, until a message popped up from this woman, saying my dad's name and asking whether he got her text. I saw that she was this person was his only friend on Facebook, which made me concerned. I read through their past messages and it confirmed that they were having an affair, for over a year now. She was one of the other teachers at my dads school, where he teaches.

I feel completely betrayed (I'm only 17), but also sorry for my mother, who is the sweetest person I know. She adores my dad and they seemingly have a very loving relationship (I used to think too affectionate), but apparently that isn't enough for my dad.

I can't describe the anger I feel towards him, and want to tell my mum so badly but I also don't want to hurt her feelings. I've contemplated confronting my dad about his infidelity, but I'm afraid of what will happen once I've told him. I also kind of want to have something (like this) to hold over him. We never got along, and I know this sounds mean, but I'm so angry about what he's done to my mum that I just want to use this secret against him somehow, although this isn't a very rational idea.

I would really appreciate some advice on what to do. Should I tell my mum?? Leave the situation (as I 'll hopefully be moving out after high school finishes in a year)?? Or confront my father ???

 

If that was me I'd confront the parent who is cheating. I wish I had done it sooner with my mom. She started an affair when I was about five. My youngest brother is the result of it. But we didn't know that for sure until she left and filed for divorce when I was about to start college.

 

Everyone knew she was messing around. All five of us kids. My dad knew and tried to work things out. The whole damn town knew. I didn't confront my mom about what she did until I was about 28. So I had about 23 years of repressed anger. Things are better now and she realizes she screwed up but still...it takes a toll on kids.

 

Maybe your parents have an "open" relationship. Maybe they don't. That's why I would go to your dad first and who cares if he gets mad? He's the one in the wrong most likely. Maybe he should make sure he logs out of FB when he's using a community computer at home.

 

I wouldn't be vindictive. Just bring it up and see what's going on. Cheating is selfish to everyone involved.

[j.man]

I feel completely betrayed (I'm only 17), but also sorry for my mother

Lol. That's pretty funny. He apparently cheats on your mom. "I feel BETRAYED... and I guess it kinda sucks for my mom, too."

 

No, don't run to your mom and tell her anything. Personally, I wouldn't even bring it up to your dad, but if you want to pull him aside and speak to him alone about it, it's up to you. Not sure what direction it could go in that's even remotely positive or satisfying, but if masochism is your thing, have at it.

 

Are you the youngest or only child? If so, it's fairly safe to assume that once you're out of the house, any marriage issues driving him to infidelity will very likely surface and surface quick. Things tend to come to a head when the children are out of the home.

 

But really, their marriage, including all the positive and negatives within it, is their business and their business alone. You having snooped doesn't change that.

[Seraphim]

Lol. That's pretty funny. He apparently cheats on your mom. "I feel BETRAYED... and I guess it kinda sucks for my mom, too."

 

No, don't run to your mom and tell her anything. Personally, I wouldn't even bring it up to your dad, but if you want to pull him aside and speak to him alone about it, it's up to you. Not sure what direction it could go in that's even remotely positive or satisfying, but if masochism is your thing, have at it.

 

Are you the youngest or only child? If so, it's fairly safe to assume that once you're out of the house, any marriage issues driving him to infidelity will very likely surface and surface quick. Things tend to come to a head when the children are out of the home.

 

But really, their marriage, including all the positive and negatives within it, is their business and their business alone.

I will agree there. Once the kids are gone most likely a marriage in trouble to that degree will be finished.

 

I will say too being involved in my mom's severe marriage issues did me absolutely no favours . Only added to much more anger against BOTH parents .

[DancingFool]

Wow I am so sorry you found out like that and I don't really know what advice to offer. It's a miserable place for you to be in.

 

All I can tell you is be careful about making assumptions. As others have already pointed out, you truly never know what actually goes on between your parents behind closed doors and what agreements and arrangements they have. Before you do anything, take some time to cool down a bit yourself and think of all the different scenarios, some of which might backfire on you. Your mother might actually know and be turning a blind eye deliberately. She might not thank you for bringing it up because that will place her in a position where now she actually has to do something about it. She might react violently and stick by the husband and accuse you of lying and making up stories - that happens too. Messengers do get "shot" in these types of situations on a regular basis.

 

In your shoes, I'd confront the father before deciding on how to proceed with the rest.

[zeino]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Feeling betrayed is absolutely normal if you have been raised in a family with some sort of stability in your eyes because your father's actions may feel like threatening the family unity, therefore your own stability and safety. It also happens to children when they hear about the terminal illness of a parent. So feelings of betrayal and anger may be your reaction to feeling threatened in some sense. Connecting with yourself will also help you discover other feelings underneath these.

 

Please don't feel alone, there are many children who have been through these with their parents. Also, do not rush to "stabilize" or "restore" the order before you come to a sort of balance yourself after the shock. If you feel the urge to tell this to everyone, try to control yourself. Share it only with people you trust deeply if you must.

 

And try to remember. They are still your parents and they love you, no matter what childish things they may be doing. Every relationship has its unique sides and although they are your parents, they are people who may be feeling insecure in so many things, who feel they have failed at things, who have longings. I am not saying this to justify anything, but yes, this was your entrance into the adult world, where you see a different aspect of your parents - who probably represent some sort of strength. You have not lost it. They still have those qualities as well as their vulnerable sides.

 

For the rest, I believe in being genuine in relationships, with the parents as well. Trying not to rock the boat may cause a lot of stress in a relationship, with all the acting etc. However, we must (I believe) separate this from trying to control other's lives. Those choices belong to your parents. I don't see this as confronting your father because you are not the one who needs to have a confrontation with him. You do not represent the stability or the "fairness" of this marriage. You are their child.

 

So if I were you, I would speak to my father and tell him what happened. Maybe he would try to explain things to me. I would want to listen I think if I was your age. The choice is yours. But I would avoid stating expectations on behalf of my mother or anything. Let your father deal with this. Take it from there but learn to separate yourself from this. This isn't your whole life, don't let this invade all your life. Don't let this hinder you. Depending on what happens, you may also ask them not to drag you into this.

 

Stay strong!

[Wolf123]

First of all, I'm very sorry to hear that. I can imagine what you are going through, the same thing happened to me and my family 3 months ago. My dad cheated for 2 years on my mum and in less than two months he was out of the house and moved in with his 'girlfriend.' Now he's at home sick and close to a burnout from all the stress he has put himself in. I'm older than you (26), but no matter what age you are, it will hurt really, really bad.

 

I don't agree with the people saying to stay out of it. While it may be the marriage of your parents, you dad is not only lying to his wife, but to his whole family. Ruining the safe and loving structure it had for his own selfish gains. But I don't think you should use this to blackmail him, it can start to work against you and when people find out about it, they may judge you for that as well. I wouldn't ruin your 'good name' for a person who apparently doesn't care about his own good name.

 

I think it's best you confront him about it privately. Be ABSOLUTELY sure he really is cheating before you involve your mother into this. If it turns out to be true, I would give him a time limit, to give him a chance to tell the truth to your mum. Say that you will spill the beans if he continues to keep it a secret. Because keeping this secret to yourself will affect your own mental health and it would not be fair to you to live with this secret the rest of your life. Almost every affair will be found out about eventually and if your mother finds out you knew about it, but did not tell her, it can affect your relationship with your mum as well.

[sparklehulahoo]

Are you kidding me?

She is their CHILD it absolutely impacts her and is her business as well.

Why are you on a site that offers support to others only to give out toxic advice and opinions?

You need help.

[MKultra]

She has a right to feel betrayed to a degree as yes it is the entire family unit that has been betrayed.

 

However, I am more troubled by the fact she already had some sort of resentment against her father and is partly happy she has something to "hold over him". That is not something the product of a happy home would say... I say she tells Mom and hopefully the marriage ends so the guy can go be happy.