RedRose99 Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 I am a young woman seeking love and a lasting relationship (meaning a future with), problem is I'm torn between two men, both I met online. Man 1 I have stronger feelings for (as in love), but he lives in a completely different country so far from where I am, and in our current situations neither of us are able to visit each other, as of what we have most recently worked out, we won't be able to be together physically until 2020, 3 years away . The distance and time issue seem quite large to me, but at the same time I have stronger feelings for man 1 and he is of a much more suitable age (only 2 years older than me) when compared to man 2 who is much older (6 years). Man 2 however, lives in the same city as me. I think that I don't feel as much of a connection with man 2, we just don't seem to click like man 1 and I do. Ultimately I feel that man 1 is a much better match for me, but so much can change in 3 years. I know 3 years is not a long time at all in the grand scheme of things, but being young like myself I don't want to risk wasting that much time for something that most likely wont work out. This may seem pessimistic to say, but I have had experiences with partners I have met online where things were very great at the start, but they fell apart later down the track, or promises to meet were not kept, or some instances where they have found someone else to leave me for. The distance and time thing is really ruining things for man 1 and I, I am beginning to feel like waiting for each other just isn't realistic at all. Maybe I have met the right person, but the timing is just wrong, if that is the case I don't know what to do, because I don't want to lose the perfect person just because the timing wasn't right. Man 2, although not as great of a match, is a much more realistic idea. We are able to meet up, while man 1 and I are not. I do have feelings for man 2, but I am definitely worried that I am attracted to him because of convenience... But then again that is also an important part of a relationship, otherwise it's just fantasy instead of reality. If you read all that, thank you, what do you suggest I do about this situation? Which man do I commit to? I am feeling so torn I just can't decide what to do on my own. But I know if I don't make up my mind quickly I will lose both of them; I just really need some advice. Link to comment
Birdie Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 Neither? Why not keep dating and look for someone who you click with who is also local. Why does it need to be between these two men. Also, side note, I can't believe 2020 is only freaking 3 years away... Link to comment
RedRose99 Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 Yes it is pretty scary to think 2020 is so close. It is quite true that I don't need commit to either of these men, however I very rarely find someone I click with so well, and very rarely find someone who has the qualities I am looking for, maybe it is just my area, I am not sure. I am very afraid that if I reject these men I will never find someone as suitable ever again, I will have missed out... Link to comment
greta96 Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 Why are you even talking about committing to men you haven't even met in person? Commitment is not just a word you throw around, and it is not meant to be given to strangers. What's the rush? You won't lose both of them because you can't lose something you don't have! So take a few steps back to actually think about what you are doing. Man 1 is a horrible option for you for a few reasons - distance, the 3 years until you get to meet him, and the fact that you don't know him from Adam! You talk about love, but how can you possibly love someone you have not met? That's infatuation, not love. Just like a crush on an actor that you'll never meet, it feels like love but it passes, because it's only a fantasy. Do you really think he would stay single and loyal to you for 3 years, until you can meet? Of course not, because he is constantly meeting other women on the site you met him on, and the odds are most of those women will be local to him. Unless he's married and just looking for cyber relationships of course, to spice up his life. It's easy to 'click' with someone from afar, because you don't have a chance to see their bad side, they can do no wrong. But is that reality? No, of course not.Wasting 3 years of your life waiting for a fantasy to become reality is about the worst thing you could do to yourself, believe it or not the pool of good quality men becomes smaller and smaller as you age, so don't take anything for granted. Man 2...not only - again - you haven't met him in person, but even so, you don't like him all that much anyway, so that's self explanatory. My advice is to step away from your computer and start meeting men in person, as soon as possible. Cyber relationships are a waste of time, as they are not real. By all means, meet men online if that's what you want (although offline would render much better results IMO, but to each their own). But make sure to arrange meet-ups quickly, without wasting time emailing, texting etc. Nothing beats in-person interaction, and that's the only chance you have at starting a healthy, happy relationship with anyone. Link to comment
RedRose99 Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 Thanks for your reply, I am thinking perhaps I should meet up with man 2 once he gets back from his holiday to see how we get along in person? Not sure what I should be doing, is it worth meeting up with him? I'm a very shy person that doesn't know how to meet people offline... Link to comment
greta96 Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 Thanks for your reply, I am thinking perhaps I should meet up with man 2 once he gets back from his holiday to see how we get along in person? Not sure what I should be doing, is it worth meeting up with him? I'm a very shy person that doesn't know how to meet people offline... That would be a good idea, at least you would have a starting point and whatever decision you make, at least it will be based on in-person interaction which is something tangible, real. A coffee date won't hurt anyone, and after that you can re-assess how you feel about him and take it from there. Do you have friends you could go out with? Or maybe in school/at work? If it's easier for you to just meet them online that's ok too, just like I said, make sure you set up in-person meet-ups quickly (let's say within a week), just so you don't waste your time chatting with someone that's not a good match for you. Link to comment
RedRose99 Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 Hmm alright, sounds like a good plan. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 Unfortunately, man 1 is a fantasy if you have never met and there is no reasonable way to accomplish that. Being "online" is not a relationship, that is why they "fall apart".. To be honest neither of them are sustainable "relationships", since you have not met either of them in person. If you are looking for real relationships you need to meet real people in person asap. I'm torn between two men. Man 1 we won't be able to be together physically until 2020. Man 2 however, lives in the same city as me. We are able to meet up Link to comment
Lucha Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 A lasting relationship isn't something one can accomplish 'urgently', nor can it be 'chosen' like buying something in a store. I really want to insist that online flirting is nothing like real life love! Online you can easily project a fantasy image onto the other person, which shatters when you actually spend time together (been there..) so the best advice is to meet men in person, and then man 2 would be a dating option. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 Man 1 I have stronger feelings for (as in love), but he lives in a completely different country so far from where I am, and in our current situations neither of us are able to visit each other, as of what we have most recently worked out, we won't be able to be together physically until 2020, 3 years away Man 2 however, lives in the same city as me. I think that I don't feel as much of a connection with man 2, we just don't seem to click like man 1 and I do. Man 2, although not as great of a match, is a much more realistic idea. We are able to meet up, while man 1 and I are not. I do have feelings for man 2, but I am definitely worried that I am attracted to him because of convenience... But then again that is also an important part of a relationship, otherwise it's just fantasy instead of reality. I have been down this road before and the reason your feelings for man 1 are stronger than man 2 is because man 1 is essentially a fantasy, as you have not met in person so your imagination runs wild, filling in the blanks with different scenarios, none of which have anything to do with REALITY. Man 2 you have met and are able to date. So obviously the fantasy element is removed, making him much less appealing than man 1, who IS a fantasy. When you interact on-line and only on-line, remember fantasy is always more compelling than reality. Once you meet in person, it can all change, and often does. My advice would be to not commit to either of them. Man 1 is the wrong choice as heck he lives in a different country! With no possibility of meeting for THREE YEARS. No offense but you would be quite nuts to commit to a man under those circumstances. Man 2 is the wrong choice because clearly you are NOT "feeling it," so dating him is not only not fair to HIM, but not fair to you either. Link to comment
Chloee1988 Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 I actually think the answer is pretty straightforward (and that's disregarding the fact that you haven't met man 1 in person so you're essentially comparing apples and oranges). NEITHER is a suitable option. Man 1 lives way too far way and currently the circumstances don't allow visitation. With regards to man 2, if you're not feeling the chemistry, move on and look elsewhere. There are a lot more men in the world besides man 1 and 2 who would make for a much more suitable partner! Good luck! Link to comment
RedRose99 Posted January 5, 2017 Author Share Posted January 5, 2017 Hmm I'm seeing a lot of conflicting things... Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Hmm I'm seeing a lot of conflicting things... How so? I think they've all been pretty consistent. Neither of them are a suitable match. Man 1 is a bad match as he lives in a different country and you won't even be able to meet in person for three years. Man 2 you are not into. Different words, but this is the gist of what most, if not all, posters have opined. What's conflicting about it? Link to comment
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