Is this an end?

[dddddar]

Dear people,

 

Please help me. I am confused.

I've been dating my BF for a year and two months and initially, I did not want to date him at all. I was kinda arrogant (he has lower education degree, older by 7 years and at the time he was not doing well financially). I tend to always think about men as potential husbands, I try to stay rational and I think this is my main problem. TBH, I come from a very conservative culture and I always had this pressure of saving myself before marriage and etc...

 

I was sexually abused 4-5 months before I met my BF and he was just so nice and sweet towards me. I told him everything. He was so understanding. He was always there for me. He healed me in a way. It seemed like he understood my culture and he knew how serious I am about relationships in general. He was telling me that he is very serious and actually, he was the one, who started taking about marriage and kids and etc. I never dated seriously before him. I did not know how to date and I made a lot of silly things but he was very patient.

 

It seemed like he was very serious about us. He stopped saying some phrases that annoyed me. He was always very respectful and generous. He improved his career, his credit score and I would find him sometimes searching for a house. He would always say that "he would get me a ring and a house".

 

The problem is, I was always suspicious. I am so insecure and anxious, and I always felt like he just wanted to sleep with me. I would never trust his words and I would break-up with him all the time or threaten to break-up. I am an international student in the US and to be completely honest, I did look at him as my way of getting a green card. But only initially. In August (4 months ago), I moved in with him (he offered it as an option after two months of dating), he got me everything I needed, he even bought kitties for me, paid all bills, did my laundry and basically was taking care of me.

 

I started to fall in love. And I was scared that he was not planning on marrying me at all. I was so scared that I just a live-in girlfriend, and he just had me there for convenience or something. I was very thankful with everything he was doing for me, but I started resenting it. I felt like I was exchanging my body for room&board. I started talking about marriage. At first, he tried to explain that marriage is a very serious thing, from legal perspective. A 180-degree shift from his earlier "I am 100% sure" behavior. And then I posed an ultimatum, which he initially accepted and later declined. Then my mom came to visit me in December and they met and she was also pressuring him into marriage. She was like: "why is he not marrying you? Is he even planning or is he just keeping you as his concubine?" All these conversations with her that if a man "truly loves, he marries" planted so many doubts and I got even more resentful. Eventually, I started behaving ugly. He bought an iMac and I was like: "you could've gotten a ring". And his rhetoric also changed. One week he would tell me he loves me and he wants to marry me. Next week he would say he does not want to marry in the next few years at all. So a few days ago we brought up the marriage thing again and he said that "he wants to marry later, when he is older". I felt so betrayed. He made me fall in love with him, introduced to his family, made an unofficial proposal, just to waste my time? So I packed my things and I left. I tried to leave many times before, but he would never let me. We would be back in 2-3 hours, with me usually apologizing. This time, he did not stop me at all. I called him the next day and apologized for my horrible behavior. He was calm on the phone and he said that "he will not be moving on" and that "we will be okay" and that he did not stop me from leaving because "he wanted to let me follow my choice". He also said that we should stop listening to other people's advice on our relationship. I said I wanted to come back to be with him, but he said he wanted to spend the night alone and in peace. I am currently on my friend's couch, looking for a place to rent. We are meeting on Friday when I will be getting my stuff back, he said that he will not abandon me and let me stay at his place if I won't get a place.

 

I really, really LOVE this guy. I cannot imagine my life without him. I am just so fearful that I ruined this relationship by pressuring him into marriage all the time and eventually always ending up compromising. I feel like this relationship is going in a wrong direction where he will eventually do whatever because he knows that I will not go anywhere... Like, he is in total control and because he always treated me so well and put up with my ty behavior, I am so scared that I will never find anybody who will love me as much. Should've I stayed NC after I left?

 

I am planning on living separately anyway (because I feel like living together was a dumb move) and we decided to stay loyal to each other. He wants me to do well in school and meanwhile, he is working hard towards promotion. Are there any chances I can make things work out? I know I should've lived separately until marriage and moving in after 9 months maybe was too fast, but is there a chance we can still end up together? What should I do?

[anon56]

You need to stop forcing it, getting into marriage doesn´t guarantee it will be a good marriage. Let him propose to you when he is ready, he doesn´t seem ready to settle down, but now that you have brought up the topic, he will take it into consideration and know a dead end is near if he doesnt take action, but you cant force him to put a ring on your hand.

 

Moving in after 9 months was a mistake, you could move out and wait for things to calm off, and suggest you work on establishing that kind of bond again. If he isn´t willing to settle down, which is your expectation (and apparently your families). Then you need to cut him loose but establish a time frame, the best way to go on about this is not have a expectation of anything and not create ideas of your own that this is your husband, no one is forced to be with anyone and especially not by a ring.

 

If things work out, they work out. He let you do whatever you wanted to do because you kept using that as a threat, he wants you to figure out things on your own most likely, since he didnt stop you this time, and according to what you said of him saying he wont be moving on, he isnt worried about you leaving him.

[Shasi]

I think you should give him sometime and see coz he maybe tried of the threat of u breaking up with him. Try to RE establish your relationship with him like start it over he clearly doesn't want to let you go. I think he changed his way with u because u changed too. So my advice is that talk to him with getting mad and explain why u acted that way say that u really want to establish a future with him . Start over do not live with him again for now see where it goes.

 

I am sorry if this is not understandable

[MissCanuck]

Whatever you do, never try to pressure someone into marrying you. Your mother was also way out of line doing so. I understand your culture has different values, but you are living in a different culture now. The understanding of values is a two-way street, OP. To assume he's keeping you as a concubine when you agreed to move in is plain unfair, not to mention insulting to him.

 

Your relationship sounds quite unhealthy, regardless. All this fighting, leaving, coming back, making up...it's a sign that you're not compatible. He has been inconsistent in what he wants from you, and I think it would be better for you to move on. I don't see this working out well.

[dddddar]

Whatever you do, never try to pressure someone into marrying you. Your mother was also way out of line doing so. I understand your culture has different values, but you are living in a different culture now. The understanding of values is a two-way street, OP. To assume he's keeping you as a concubine when you agreed to move in is plain unfair, not to mention insulting to him.

 

Your relationship sounds quite unhealthy, regardless. All this fighting, leaving, coming back, making up...it's a sign that you're not compatible. He has been inconsistent in what he wants from you, and I think it would be better for you to move on. I don't see this working out well.

 

We usually never fight physically, or even verbally. It would always be me who would ruin things tbh. Like, it is all going good, we plan our next year and then I stat resenting him for not surprising me with a ring or something. I don't know why I do this. And he would tell me that he is afraid to marry me because I threaten to leave every time and that he is afraid I will not stop doing it even after we get married. And then I have this bad mood and do everything out of spite. But we never yelled at each other. I don't think I can move on. Do you think if I will stop pressuring him and just be more relaxed and prove him that I am determined to stay with him - is there a chance?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he makes an excellent point. Using breakup threats is immature and the nuclear weapon of relationships. It's manipulative and it will never ever "inspire" someone to propose...or anything else that is demanded..

 

In fact it reveals such instability and a noncommittal attitude to have one foot out the door at all times. Who in their right mind would by a diamond for, no less want to marry that?

he is afraid to marry me because I threaten to leave every time and that he is afraid I will not stop doing it even after we get married. And then I have this bad mood and do everything out of spite.

[dddddar]

Unfortunately he makes an excellent point. Using breakup threats is immature and the nuclear weapon of relationships. It's manipulative and it will never ever "inspire" someone to propose...or anything else that is demanded..

 

In fact it reveals such instability and a noncommittal attitude to have one foot out the door at all times. Who in their right mind would by a diamond for, no less want to marry that?

 

Thank you so much for this. I understand that you are saying. Too bad I understood it so late. I come from a culture where bride-kidnapping is practiced and there is a very strong belief that if man is truly in live, he can marry right away.

 

I know I behaved very immaturely. I will work on my attitude. I just wish it will work out.