Lost

[mikroula]

I've been seeing a man for over a year now.We met in the summer of 2015

 

It hasn't been an easy relationship,if I can even call it that.He's in the military and his job is very stressful and it means we go long periods of time without seeing each other.From the very beginning I made it very clear that I wanted to make this work and that I was willing to put in the commitment and time necessary regardless of the obstacles.

 

He always seemed to be 'confused'

 

I recently found out he has a gf.. this to me was heartbreaking,yet he excused it with the fact that he wasn't with her during the time he was seeing me and that we were never technically an item.

 

I told him I wanted nothing more to do with him.He then revealed he has depression and that he loves me but he needs time to sort his life out.He wants me to wait for him until April when he 'might' be single ( God just writing this is making me feel stupid)

 

He has lied so so much,he said he didn't have Facebook, I found out he did..he said he was only seeing her yet I found out they'd been living together..he claims the relationship is dead but that due to the close friendship of their families he has to be sure he is making the right decision when he ends it.

 

I've told him this is ridiculous and that no I want be 'chosen' by anyone and that if he needs to choose he should just choose her.

 

He keeps throwing the depression card everytime I call him up on his behaviour,or he's sick or stressed etc.The whole pity thing is wearing very very thin but at the same time part of me really wants to believe him.I love him and part of me thinks or is wishfully thinking that he is being honest when he says he will sort things out and that I need to be more understanding due to the nature of his job and his depression.

 

Yet another part screams 'since when did depression become an excuse for hurting someone?' It's not a get out jail free card.. I'm just really confused and hurting.

 

Please any advice would be great!

[greta96]

It's sad how many people have started blaming their jerk behavior on being depressed, and I feel it is doing a huge disservice to those who truly suffer from this affliction.

It's even more sad that they usually get away with it, and that even though what's going on should be obvious to the other party, it is being overlooked just because the other party insists on keeping the jerk in their lives whatever it takes.

 

This guy is leading you on, wasting your time, and has done so from the very beginning. Is having a man in your life that important, that you are willing to overlook major red flags and waste time and brain cells trying to figure out a cheater and his motivation? No, depression does not excuse bad behavior or cheating, not even the real kind of depression, never mind the type most commitment phobes seem to be suffering from. You need to toughen up and remove this dude from your life, because no good can come of you letting him mess you around.

[IAmFCA]

In short, I've been there done that.

 

He says he needs tims to sort his life out. Give it to him. Lots of it.

 

The further away you get from him, the more you will be amazed how much you dealt with all this time.

 

Its a new year. Dump this baggage and start it with a clean slate.

 

I know it hurts, and you feel love and attachment, and so my post may feel painful to read. I don't mean it to hurt. I do mean it to be clear. There is no wiggle room with a guy like this.

[browser]

He has a girlfriend so it's end of story.

 

If that wasn't enough, all the deception surely is.

[mikroula]

But why? I don't understand,how can someone be so damn hurtful.. I mean it doesn't make sense and I feel that if I could at least understand it would be easier for me to process.How can someone be so knowingly deceitful and hurtful yet continue doing so..yes I'm aware that to a level I'm the enabler by not closing the chapter completely but there's always that underlying hope that he's telling the truth that I maybe if I stuck by him a little longer..because no one can be this cruel..I know the world is full of 'bad' characters..It's just really hard right now to make sense of it all

[IAmFCA]

But why? I don't understand,how can someone be so damn hurtful.. I mean it doesn't make sense and I feel that if I could at least understand it would be easier for me to process.How can someone be so knowingly deceitful and hurtful yet continue doing so..yes I'm aware that to a level I'm the enabler by not closing the chapter completely but there's always that underlying hope that he's telling the truth that I maybe if I stuck by him a little longer..because no one can be this cruel..I know the world is full of 'bad' characters..It's just really hard right now to make sense of it all

The men who have been hurtful to others or to me, and somehow ended up talking to me about it, have taught me a few things. These include

 

- Who knows why someone else does what they do. In all the cases I know, it can be traced back to childhood. Feeling dismissed or abandoned by a parent and subconsciously bringing that experience into their adult lives.

 

- Feeling angry, lost, resentful, or numb, such as after war, divorce, and other traumas.

 

- A decision to do so. Sort of like, I am going to consume women, because after 2017, I am getting married.

 

- Because they can. I have heard rationalizations like, she knew how I treated her. She went along with it.

[browser]

But why? I don't understand,how can someone be so damn hurtful.. I mean it doesn't make sense and I feel that if I could at least understand it would be easier for me to process.How can someone be so knowingly deceitful and hurtful yet continue doing so..yes I'm aware that to a level I'm the enabler by not closing the chapter completely but there's always that underlying hope that he's telling the truth that I maybe if I stuck by him a little longer..because no one can be this cruel..I know the world is full of 'bad' characters..It's just really hard right now to make sense of it all

 

Because they just are. Could be their upbringing, could be traumatic experience in life, could be bad genes. Who knows? Why do some people shoot up night clubs, and just this week some guy in china ran around trying to stab innocent little children.

 

Stop wondering why because the answers will never be forthcoming, just accept that it is and don't waste any more time on it.

[gone]

He's emotionally abusive and a total loser. Dump him, delete & block on all accounts, find a good man, and you'll NEVER worry about or even think about this again.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he is still stringing you along.

[nutbrownhare]

Don't waste any more time on this guy. Don't concern yourself with why he's being hurtful; he can only do this while you're around to take it.

 

Leave this one gently behind you, and find someone who wants you as much as you want them, and is also willing to be loyal and committed - TO YOU!

 

As ITIC says, give him lots of time to sort his life out. In fact, giving him space for the rest of your life would be a good start...