Introduced 2 friends-I'm feeling like the 3rd wheel

[confuzed25]

I feel like I am back in high school or something even though I am in my 30's. I recently introduced my best friend to another friend that I am pretty close with. My best friend and I have been friends for about 7 years, the other friend only about 8 months. I would like to be closer to the second friend but our friendship has developed a little more slowly. Anyways, so I introduced them which I was excited for because they really have a lot in common and my best friend is very friendly and outgoing so I knew my other friend wouldnt feel left out. Well it kind of backfired on me and I actually felt like the 3rd wheel for part of the night. It seemed like my best friend was going out of her way to really get to know my other friend and kept touching her arm and directing a lot of attention to her. She even invited her to go on vacation with us sometime. My other friend was asking my best friend a lot of questions too trying to get to know her but she did pay attention to me too and for the later part of the night seemed to pay more attention to me. My best friend was jealous I believe as she just kind of stood back quietly and didn't act like herself. The next day I talked to both of them who both mentioned right away that they enjoyed hanging out with the other one. My best friend has been a little clingy the past couple days so I'm thinking she may be feeling a little jealous of my friendship with the other friend. I've just been anxious ever since I introduced them that they are going to become better friends than either are with me and that I am going to end up losing both of these friends. I would be devastated as I am very close with my best friend and I was excited that I was becoming close with this other friend. I do not have many close friends as I am kind of an introvert. My best friend is very much an extrovert and has many friends. She is closer in age to my other friend and has a lot in common with her. I wish I never wouldve introduced them but I know this is selfish and we shouldn't hide away our friends. I just couldn't believe how well they seemed to click and I am feeling pretty jealous. I am hesitant to hang out with them both at the same time again in fear of them getting closer to each other and me being left out. Has anyone else ever felt like this? Im just trying to deal with this right now. I would love for the 3 of us to be a circle of friends but I just feel like the other 2 really clicked and I'm going to be the 3rd wheel all the time.

[ChellyV]

Why not look the positive way where all 3 of you can enjoy each other's friendships as a group, then individually with each other?

 

I was the third wheel to 2 best friends, but they welcomed me to their troop. Each of us have a friendship with the other, and collectively do things as a group. Remember, God puts people in our lives for a reason. Of course, it took me a while to accept, they will always have better Christmas gifts and birthday presents to each other, than what I normally get fro them. I got tired of that negativity and simply enjoyed the friendship as it is. Now, none of us can survive the holidays without the other.

[Jibralta]

I've just been anxious ever since I introduced them that they are going to become better friends than either are with me and that I am going to end up losing both of these friends.

 

Try not to think that way!

 

Take it from somebody who loves to introduce people and then step back: a chemistry between two people does NOT mean that they plan to ditch you. Quite the contrary, in fact, as you all now have even more in common. Relax, and try to see it in a positive light. There are a lot of benefits to fostering friendships between people. It's a generous thing to do. AND it takes the pressure off of you!!

[catfeeder]

You're on an overthinking, catastrophizing spin. That must feel horrible--so I'd quit that. Try rethinking this in a different way. Hopefully it will help you feel better.

 

When I introduce two friends, I like to sit back and watch them enjoy one another. I know how exciting it feels to hit it off with someone new, and sure, it can narrow their focus into a tunnel vision for one another for a time. I ENJOY that, it means I've done a great job.

 

Anyone can get really jazzed by someone new who accepts us and likes us. Don't you WANT that for your friends? Don't you feel proud and excited for facilitating that for them? Why would it mean that you'd 'lose' either of them, just because they go bonkers for one another for a time?

 

When two of my friends appear to take to one another in a way that neither has taken to me (or appears to regard me now) I take that as a sign that I did my job. I'll enjoy as much time with either or both as they'll permit, and I'll allow myself to play 'invisible' while with the two of them for a while. I trust that the dynamics will shift over time, and if not, then it's my signpost for devoting more of my focus to someone else who I may have neglected, or it portends that I'll likely find a new friend to fill in the blank at some point.

 

Gone are the days of 'claiming' best friends as territory the way we did as kids. We were blank slates then, and we could homogenize with just about anyone. Those days are over. As we mature, we solidify more of our own personalities, and we have life demands and growth cycles that can cause certain friendships to diverge over time. This may or may not be permanent, but it doesn't make anyone a villain.

 

If we're smart, we'll adopt resilience and roll with this stuff. We'll pursue different kinds of friends to meet different needs. A tennis friend might be a dud for anything but tennis, a shopping friend might hold different political beliefs, and a friend who may have felt like a 'best' friend for years may veer off course for while. That's not necessarily about us, it doesn't signal a 'wrong,' and it doesn't mean that things won't right themselves someday--provided we don't blow the relationship out of the water with drama about it.

 

I like to keep a light touch with people. Those who matter to my future will cycle back around, and those who don't served a valuable purpose in my life for their duration.

 

Practice patience and confidence. Don't try to freeze anyone into your mental landscape as a fixed figure, and you won't suffer angst when natural changes come into play. This is the gentle and generous way to keep BOTH friends. Let them set their own pace, and don't try to strongarm anyone into becoming your 'territory'. THAT is how to lose friends.

 

Lastly, Group Dynamics 101 courses teach that '3 rarely works--bring in a 4th'. If you have another friend to invite whenever you meet these two, the 4th person will bring balance to a trio. Try that.

 

Head high, you can do this.

[greta96]

This happened to me a few times, and I learned my lesson: I keep my friends separate, there is no more introducing anyone to anyone. Many women are plain catty and make a hobby out of 'friend stealing' - but unless this happens to you, it's hard to believe and understand.

I like what the posters above me said, and they are right, that's how it should be and I'd love it if this was my reality. Unfortunately some people's reality is completely different, and when you get burned once or twice, you think longer before doing anything.

You could try talking to your bff about the way you feel, hopefully if she's a good friend she will reassure you and try to include you more, but if this doesn't happen, unfortunately there is not much you can do.

[confuzed25]

Thank you so much for the advice and thoughtful responses. I am feeling much better now about this. My best friend is the sweetest most kind hearted person and I know she will never just ditch me.

[catfeeder]

Thank you so much for the advice and thoughtful responses. I am feeling much better now about this. My best friend is the sweetest most kind hearted person and I know she will never just ditch me.

 

Good job! Just as you wouldn't fault a friend for going a bit bonkers with her investment in a new guy, allowing for her to feel special when a new friend likes her is a demo of the same graciousness you'd hope from her if the situation were reversed.

 

EnjOy the girl power!