New Boyfriend...Old Worries

[ClaireDarling]

Hey guys, so I started talking to a new guy a few weeks ago. Not flirting nor anything. He honestly seemed pretty talkative and at the time I was dealing with another guy and I couldn't manage to get my mind off him.

Anyway, my friend decided to have a get together and we always try to invite at least one new person and I chose the guy I had been messaging. We all go to the same university so I figured it would be nice for all of us to meet in person and just have some fun.

Most of that night was kind of a blur because 1) I wasn't like attracted to him, 2) my friend does this thing where if she's not the center of attention, then no one is, and 3) the guy I invited managed to actually spend most of the time talking to the other guys about anime and movies and shows.

 

So with alcohol involved, my friend acting the way she did, and um not actually being in the same conversations at the same time, I didn't really get to talk to this guy. We'll call him C.

 

So after that night, again I didn't really talk to C that much. I think he messaged me maybe twice. And I wasn't interested because my mind was still on the other guy. After a big dispute and final fallout with this other guy, I ended up talking to C and from that day on we just talked a lot. This was all during finals and right before Christmas break so we didn't get the chance to see each other and hang out again, but he took my mind off of the other guy for a little bit.

 

After talking for about 2 weeks, right before Christmas, I mentioned something about relationships and I don't quite remember, but basically it ended in him asking me out. He said he wasn't sure if I would actually say yes but I did and here we are.

 

Since we're both home for the holidays, we haven't seen each other. But we've talked on the phone and FaceTime quite a bit. He's extremely passionate about so many things (in a very nerdy way) and it's refreshing because most of the guys I've talked to aren't. C could talk for hours about a certain character he likes and even if it's not something I enjoy, I could still listen to it for hours.

 

We obviously haven't known each other long enough to "love" each other, but everyday at least once a day whether it's me first or him first, we say "I like you".

 

I'm a very open person. I don't like to hold things back if it could damage a relationship. There have been at least two times when I've just full on told him what I'm thinking.

 

I feel like when we finally get a chance to hang out one on one, he's going to change his mind. Even if I hold out on sex or whatever, I just feel like he's going to get what he wants and leave. And that's killing me because I'm not putting myself into this 100%. Everyday I have a moment of doubt where I think maybe I should just end it now before I get hurt. Hurt him before he can hurt me. But I know that's not right.

I also don't get that vibe from him. He doesn't bring up sex. He doesn't do those little things that lead me to believe he just wants sex but God knows I've been wrong about that before.

 

Tonight he said: "I will say the one thing though that you've done that upsets me is when you shut me out. That really hurts me because it's hard to open up for me sometimes and to have some one I care about like that suddenly refuse to talk to me it makes me upset

 

He went on to say that he does understand why I do it though.

 

At this point I'm afraid of two things.

 

I'm afraid that he won't be the guy I think he is and that he'll be just like the others or that I'll end up shutting him out too many times to the point he decides to just leave or I decide to leave before he can hurt me.

 

I can't turn it off and just be happy in the moment. It's so frustrating. He hasn't done a single thing wrong but in the back of my mind I keep thinking "yet" he hasn't done a single thing wrong "yet".

[Ms Darcy]

Perhaps you are not ready to date.

[Capricorn3]

Perhaps you are not ready to date.

 

I was going to say the same thing.

[ClaireDarling]

Why would I not be ready though?

 

I'm almost 25. I've only had one (very terrible and mentally abusive) relationship that ended over 3 years ago and due to my own stupidness and trusting too often, I've allowed myself to get to this place where I can give but I can't take. I can like/love/flirt all I want to and being the romantic I am, I'm floating right now with this guy, but I can't shake those thoughts.

 

I also suffer from anxiety. I haven't taken medicine for it in over three months and I know it's caused problems. And I feel like anxiety is playing a big part in this. The constant stream of thoughts wondering if I'm good enough, if he's playing me, if I'm being a bad girlfriend already, if I should do this or do that.

 

I hear what you guys are saying though. But I really don't think that's what it is. I don't know why I wouldn't be ready. I have no reason to not be ready. And if it is my mental illness (anxiety) then I need to just get over myself and not ruin something that could be good just because of anxiety.

[citricacid]

I don't know if it's you're not ready to date as much as it's you've decided to jump head first into a relationship with someone you don't know and aren't all that attracted to. Why not actually date and take the time to get to know him and see if your attraction to him grows?