Please help. She says she loves me but her actions say otherwise.

[NeoShifter]

I do not know what to do with this relationship. I have known her since last June but we only started talking recently (Sept-Oct). Her story really touched my heart because she was raped multiple times and had abusive friends along with a shattered family. When we started getting closer to each other, I would call her on Skype and we would talk till early morning about our lives and how it's best to keep looking forward. She would always tell her stories of depression, loneliness, family issues, and past boyfriends while I would listen with an open heart and try to help mend it. I was determined to be the one man in her life who was a symbol of happiness, relief, safety and comfort. My circle of friends openly accepted her and we would take her shopping on weekends.

 

At around mid-November, I began to get closer and closer to her until one late night Skype call, the word "love" began being tossed around. She said I was different and that gave me a warm happy feeling at the time. For a while, things were great and we shared many intimate moments. We kissed and said we loved each other until one day, her friend asked about our relationship to which she replied: "it's complicated. " That was the first painful moment because I felt like so much more to her and she even said she loved me. The next day, she texts me saying that she just wants to stay friends because she "doesn't do relationships." She said that we would do all of the things normal in a relationship, but she didn't want us to be labeled as one. At that time, I felt a bit betrayed but decided to proceed with it anyway.

 

One day, she sees her most recent ex-boyfriend (also my friend!!!) and decides to talk with him. She did not know that I saw the whole thing and when she came up to me, I played the dumb card and pretended not to know. She said that she "relapsed" and has feeling for him again but also stated that she really hates him. After they broke up, the boyfriend (my friend) got into another relationship with someone and that didn't seem to bother her. What bothered me was that she was suffering an internal conflict of emotions. She didn't know whether to love or hate her ex but still hung out with him anyway. The ex boyfriend was not looking for a relationship with his past ex, but rather he wanted somebody to sleep with. She was ready to be emotionally invested in her ex once again, but he was not. I felt a like a third wheel but I knew that she had stronger feelings me so I just did as she said. Another painful moment came when she texts me on a weekday evening (I'm busy weekdays) and says she is at her ex's house and needs to be picked up. So the dumb person that I was at the time, I took the car and drove to the guys place to pick her up. I had a really mixed bag of emotions because I didn't know if she was using me or asking for genuine help. Upon arriving at the dudes place, I see that there is a car parked out front and the ex can also drive. When I go inside I see that the ex's family is there and that got me thinking: "why doesn't he just drive her home? Why does she need me?" The answer soon came because she said that she would have taken the bus if I hadn't come. That hurt. I actually felt like a taxi driver who is no more than a free ride to where ever she wanted.

 

For a while after that, we talked a bit and still had many intimate moments but I knew that there was somebody else in her life now. She would constantly text me for a ride and I would always oblige. My friends (everyone exept for her ex of course) caught wind of my shaky relationship with her and they told me I was being used. Because of her colourful past, she does not see that what she is doing is wrong, and she does not know how all of this affects me. One day I decided to confront her about it and she went home crying that day. Later, she wrote me this beautiful long text about how she considered me an amazing person and loyal "friend." She said that she is extremely sorry for using me and making me drive her everywhere. Even though I felt like a used third wheel, I insisted that she has done nothing to hurt me. In reality, I was pretty scarred but the temporary mend that this caused in our relationship was enough to offset that. There was another instance where we were all sitting together (me and my friends) and she crawled up into her ex's lap. From there, they began teasing and caressing each other while I sat by myself and watched. Because it hurt so much to look, I decided to occupy myself with some mobile game on my phone. At some point I got mad at the game I was playing and she looked up. She said: "Am I breaking your heart?" In a sarcastic way. (Yes, she was totally crushing my heart because I was forced to watch her smother another man with affection in front of my eyes). I said: "no of course not" and continued with my game. That day I vowed that I will do something about this because it's torture for me.

 

Before Christmas, I confronted her one last time about her ex. As an honest person, I didn't need to lie and I said that she cannot continue her relationship with her ex like this. She told me multiple times that she regrets ever relapsing and she promised to talk with him the same day. She told me that if her ex did not respect her feelings, then she would never talk with him again. I drove her to her house, kissed her, and left. Before I pulled the car out, she thanked me for the talk we had and said she loved me. I'm not sure if I have mentioned this yet, but she does not think that she is doing anything wrong and doesn't think that her actions are causing pain to others. Her life has not been the easiest and that contributed to her lack of self-knowledge about people she hangs out with.

 

 

Currently, she does not know I feel this way but I have to talk to her sooner rather than later. In her eyes I am this amazing lovable man who would do anything to make her happy. She is not a material girl and she genuinely loves me, but her actions have been questionable. I'll admit, I have cried and sobbed but nothing helps. Everyday I think about the "talk" but I am uncertain as to how I should approach this. We would always talk about love and how we would travel the world together, kiss under the mistletoe, etc (typical romance stuff). Even after all of this, I'm only a friend to her but we both know we love each other. If anybody reading this can give me a few pointers on how to deal with this, I would appriciate it.

 

Thank you to whoever read this much and I wish everybody a happy and prosperous life!

[thejazzynator]

This girl is toxic and is using you. She is damaged goods and you're trying to a superhero and rescue her but she is using her past to control you. You picked her up at her exs house she has you more than wrapped around her little finger my man. You need to let her go and find somebody worthy of your kindness and also take a look at yourself so you won't fiind another her. She is running all over you. It may sound harsh but my ex did the same to me and I had to let her go. It still hurts sometimes but not as much. It has gotten a lot better and feels good not to be in an abusive relationship anymore. This girl is bad news. Get out while you can.

[browser]

There was another instance where we were all sitting together (me and my friends) and she crawled up into her ex's lap. From there, they began teasing and caressing each other while I sat by myself and watched. Because it hurt so much to look, I decided to occupy myself with some mobile game on my phone. At some point I got mad at the game I was playing and she looked up. She said: "Am I breaking your heart?" In a sarcastic way.

 

Because of her colourful past, she does not see that what she is doing is wrong, and she does not know how all of this affects me.

 

You give her way too much credit.

[LadyAbbey31]

I know what it's like to care about someone who is 'wounded', and can't, for whatever reason, give you what you need.

She will not give you what you need. She will give you crumbs and scraps to keep you around.

Is she a bad person? No. Does she do all of this with the intention of hurting you? I don't think so....

I was in a similar situation. I decided to go for broke and tell him how I felt about him. I told him that if he wasn't interested in a relationship with me, then I would understand, but then I wouldn't be able to be in contact with him anymore because it would be too hard on me. He said he 'wasn't sure' about a relationship but that he thought about me, cared about me, wanted to keep in touch. Because I cared more about him than I did about myself (apparantly) and because I hurt so much for the hurt and rejection HE had been through, I kept on with him and nothing changed. He continued to use me, and continued to not consider my feelings, and never was 'ready' for a relationship.

Despite the fact that I broke my own heart over and over with that guy, I'm still happy that I went for it, and that I told him how I felt. So I think you should go for it and tell her how you really feel, and tell her what you're hoping will happen between the two of you. I have to be honest in saying that I don't think anything will change though. I think this is who she is, until she finds a reason to change, which will come from inside of her, and it isn't something unfortunately that you have control over.

So have that talk with her, but if things continue as they are now, please don't drag it on.

Reminds me of a lyric from a song: "Never trust your big bleeding heart to a carnivore."

Good luck. Care about her, by all means, but don't give your heart to someone who doesn't want it. Take care of yourself.

[chitown9]

This girl is a hot mess, and if you continue with her you will wind up a hot mess yourself. chi