She had commitment issues... did I make the right decision?

[gambino92]

I met this girl online last July who at first I thought was the perfect girl for me. I always thought she never had a thing for me until last October until she asked me if we could try being in a relationship. Even though she lived in Canada, and I lived in the United States, I thought it was definitely worth a shot.

 

However, I knew prior to the relationship that she had a pretty harsh life; her father was never around, she was raped by a close friend, and has been treated like garbage by friends and even her mom ever since she can remember. She has several disabilities, from IBS to bipolar disorder, and constantly deals with severe identity issues where she doesn't know if she identifies more as a male or a female. This has left her severely depressed and she even admitted to cutting herself and nearly committing suicide several times. Despite all this, I really empathized with her and wanted to be the one thing in her life that wasn't bad.

 

The relationship started off okay until the first bump: she asked me several weeks after we started dating if we could both have no-strings-attached sex with whoever we wanted and both be okay with it. Initially, I was completely against it... but I couldn't say how I truly felt because I feared losing her, so I told her I was okay with it, keeping it secretly bottled up. She almost two months later apologized for having ever asked for that open relationship, saying she did sleep with someone during that time who I found out to have been an ex-boyfriend she was once engaged to, and that really hurt for me, but I forgave her believing she was genuinely sincere... however I couldn't shake the thought that she was putting up a front and was still trying to sleep with people behind my back.

 

The second major problem arose was when she said that she refused to have children because she didn't want to pass on her bad genes. Once again this was a huge problem for me, because having a family of my own blood and passing on my name (three generations so far) meant a lot to me, yet again I said I was okay with it keeping from her that's how I really felt, hoping she'd change her mind in time.

 

She's also a major alcoholic, smokes weed, lives at home with her mom, and as you would guess, has little to no motivation for making something of herself because of her disorders. At first it really didn't bother me until I realized how crazy mean and combative she would get, which I considered to be a combination of her either feeling inadequate, PMSing, the bipolar disorder, her being drunk, or all of the above at once. Sure, these are things I should've accepted as a reality of happening when we started dating but I never realized just how often we'd be butting heads because of her becoming completely irrational and argumentative. She also refused to take medication or seek therapy, so she was completely uninhibited in her mood swings and I always seemed to be taking the brunt of them.

 

I couldn't break up with her just yet though; so many times I wanted to but I told myself this relationship was a test of strength and resiliency for me. Not just that, but I feared what would happen if I did break up with her. She once told me that she feared that I was gonna break up with her just like everyone else before her because she always managed to screw it up. I told myself that I wouldn't allow her to go through that unless I was truly, extremely unhappy.

 

Well, that day finally came last night, when we were having a video call and she revealed to me that she felt our relationship had a "37% chance of failing and that's probably low-balling it" and that she "liked someone else for several months and was sorry", but refused to tell me who. I had a general idea who it was though, a friend of hers who constantly rejected her advances before we started dating that I knew she had strong feelings for, so I asked him if the feeling was mutual, and he told me that it wasn't but warned me that she had been making sexual advances at him that same day and just a month ago she asked him to have sex with her because she knew I wouldn't care, despite telling me she was sorry for ever making me go through that... not to mention that multiple times randomly throughout the relationship she told me she wanted to "cuddle" with close friends of hers. This was the breaking point for me. I told myself there was no way she was happy and broke up with her this morning, voicing how I felt she needed to explore what she really wanted because I felt like that wasn't me. She told me she loved me and really wanted the relationship to work, said sorry and hung up. I haven't heard from her since.

 

I've thought about it and I feel really conflicted about the decision I made, especially since I told myself no matter what I'd make this work. I know she has commitment and insecurity issues due to her past and I can't help but feel like I should've been able to work with her through all this if I really cared for her, which I do, but I haven't told anyone about all this and I'm not sure if I made the right decision. Should I have talked with her before breaking up? Would you have done anything different? Thanks.

[gebaird]

Oh my goodness, YES you made the right decision. Your only mistake was not doing it sooner!

 

You sound like an extremely loyal person, although I'm not sure if that's driven by insecurity, fear of being alone, a desire to save her, or if it's just your personality. In any case, loyalty to the right person can be a wonderful quality. Loyalty to THIS girl, however, is just self-abuse.

 

I'm sure she has some positive traits that you failed to capture in this message, but it almost doesn't matter what those positive traits are when she's put you through this kind of hell. Run from her dysfunction and never look back. Look closely at your reasons for going to so much effort to please her (by not telling her how you really felt about two HUGE relationship killers, wanting to sleep with other people and not wanting kids). That kind of behavior will cause major discontentment in your life and relationships going forward. But most of all, just be glad this nightmare is over. She's toxic enough that she WILL reach out to you at some point wanting you back, so I recommend preemptively blocking her. Even seeing a message from her could cause you to end up back on this crazy train.

 

Focus on healing, be more careful in the future to whom you pledge your undying loyalty, and have an amazing 2017!

[gambino92]

Oh my goodness, YES you made the right decision. Your only mistake was not doing it sooner!

 

You sound like an extremely loyal person, although I'm not sure if that's driven by insecurity, fear of being alone, a desire to save her, or if it's just your personality. In any case, loyalty to the right person can be a wonderful quality. Loyalty to THIS girl, however, is just self-abuse.

 

I'm sure she has some positive traits that you failed to capture in this message, but it almost doesn't matter what those positive traits are when she's put you through this kind of hell. Run from her dysfunction and never look back. Look closely at your reasons for going to so much effort to please her (by not telling her how you really felt about two HUGE relationship killers, wanting to sleep with other people and not wanting kids). That kind of behavior will cause major discontentment in your life and relationships going forward. But most of all, just be glad this nightmare is over. She's toxic enough that she WILL reach out to you at some point wanting you back, so I recommend preemptively blocking her. Even seeing a message from her could cause you to end up back on this crazy train.

 

Focus on healing, be more careful in the future to whom you pledge your undying loyalty, and have an amazing 2017!

 

Thanks a lot for the reply. I would say you hit the nail on the head as far as why I decided to stick with her, I have my own depression and insecurities that I deal with, and that's why I empathized with her... I guess being with her and "saving" her meant even I was worthy of a relationship. I've been through several bad relationships already, where my first two girlfriends both cheated on me emotionally (first was flirting with guys behind my back, second left me for someone else), and my previous girlfriend was extremely amazing and really didn't give me any good reason to break up with her, yet I did anyway because of my insecurities and I regret that decision to this day... I think because of that regret is why I held on to this relationship for so long, because I didn't want to give up on something that could potentially work, despite everything I was going through.

 

I don't think I could ever block her from my life; she doesn't really have a good support system and she's told me of "friends" she know that treat her poorly, always claiming that she should "just kill herself already". I can't leave her behind knowing that I was a crutch for her when she got really depressed. I'm not sure if rekindling our friendship is completely possible after this but completely ignoring her is something that I think would do more harm than good for both of us.

[Hollyj]

Please check out co dependency.

 

There are so many red flags with this woman, I can't understand what attracted you to this toxic dynamic!

 

Have you even met?

[Hollyj]

This woman is terrible for your own mental health.

 

I can see why she has lousy friends - not excusing their horrific comments - By the way she treats you. You cannot save her, you are not her parent. Get her out of your life, as she does not care about your well being.

[gambino92]

Please check out co dependency.

 

There are so many red flags with this woman, I can't understand what attracted you to this toxic dynamic!

 

Have you even met?

 

Thanks, I'll definitely check it out. I'll admit that there were red flags before the relationship (not nearly as many as there are now) and if anything I was attracted to how many similar interests we had, which wasn't common in the women I dated, and also felt an obligatory need to "save her" like gebaird said. I guess I felt too much empathy and thought I could make the relationship work because of it. I desperately want this to work because I can't bare the thought of leaving her to wallow in that lonely state again where she thinks no one really cares to have a future with her, but at the same time I can't approve of her actions and me breaking up with her was me reacting angrily to what I was told and finally let everything come to the surface. I was expecting her to reveal she didn't truly want me in her life because of her actions but she apologized for everything she put me through and claimed she loved me and wanted to be with me, hence why I'm now conflicted.

 

And no, we've have had hundreds of video calls on Skype and I was planning to go see her later this month for her birthday for the first time ever until this happened.

[Ms Darcy]

What would I have done? I never would have continued dating someone who told me this:

 

However, I knew prior to the relationship that she had a pretty harsh life; her father was never around, she was raped by a close friend, and has been treated like garbage by friends and even her mom ever since she can remember. She has several disabilities, from IBS to bipolar disorder, and constantly deals with severe identity issues where she doesn't know if she identifies more as a male or a female. This has left her severely depressed and she even admitted to cutting herself and nearly committing suicide several times. Despite all this, I really empathized with her and wanted to be the one thing in her life that wasn't bad.

 

The relationship started off okay until the first bump: she asked me several weeks after we started dating if we could both have no-strings-attached sex with whoever we wanted and both be okay with it.

 

The second major problem arose was when she said that she refused to have children because she didn't want to pass on her bad genes. Once again this was a huge problem for me, because having a family of my own blood and passing on my name (three generations so far) meant a lot to me, yet again I said I was okay with it keeping from her that's how I really felt, hoping she'd change her mind in time.

 

She's also a major alcoholic, smokes weed, lives at home with her mom, and as you would guess, has little to no motivation for making something of herself because of her disorders.

 

You have some serious issues yourself you need to explore buddy. It's not normal for anyone to pursue this type of person and drama. I like Holly's suggestion about looking into codependency.

[gambino92]

What would I have done? I never would have continued dating someone who told me this:

 

 

 

You have some serious issues yourself you need to explore buddy. It's not normal for anyone to pursue this type of person and drama. I like Holly's suggestion about looking into codependency.

 

Yeah, I knew before I had mental issues myself and my own problems with insecurity and abandonment but now that I've looked into codependency I could agree that I have quite a few of those symptoms. I'm not sure if I could ever seek help myself but it's good to know that this breakup wasn't completely in the wrong, hell even her own friends told me they understand where I came from and I made the right decision. I guess this is me just fearing the potential consequences of my decision.

[Hollyj]

Your last sentence was very co dependent.

 

You need to think about your own mental health. The fact that so much has been invested in this virtual stranger is concerning. She is making her own choices and it is not your responsibility to parent her.

[MissCanuck]

Good heavens, all of this for someone you've never actually met?!

 

This relationship didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of working out. You are not qualified to "save" her, nor should you be trying. It's not your place. You should be seeking help for your own issues, though. Pursuing this level of dysfunction is very troubling, especially given the fact that you've never even met her in person. I think that says more about you and your own personal problems than it does about her.

 

Forget her. She is manipulative and knows what to say to get you feeling bad enough not to abandon her. But OP, she isn't a child. If people are leaving her life, it's because she treats them like crap. She does not get a pass to mistreat anyone due to her mental health problems and addictions. That is often a side effect when dealing with a person as disturbed as she is, but it's no justification for it. You need to learn when and where to draw boundaries so you don't allow people like her into your life and your heart.

 

Seriously, stay away from her. She's not that into you anyway, and no amount of "talking" was going to change that. Believe me when I say it's a very good thing that she likes someone else. Now she can rain down on him instead of you.

[gebaird]

I can't bare the thought of leaving her to wallow in that lonely state again where she thinks no one really cares to have a future with her, but at the same time I can't approve of her actions and me breaking up with her was me reacting angrily to what I was told and finally let everything come to the surface. I was expecting her to reveal she didn't truly want me in her life because of her actions but she apologized for everything she put me through and claimed she loved me and wanted to be with me, hence why I'm now conflicted.

 

And no, we've have had hundreds of video calls on Skype and I was planning to go see her later this month for her birthday for the first time ever until this happened.

 

So she can treat you like complete sh#t, but as long as she says the right words then you will stay in her life? Wow, what a great deal for her. To me, actions speak louder than words. I think you are forgiving a LOT because you believe it's not her fault, that it's her mental illness talking and she isn't really in control. You see her like a wounded bunny rabbit and it's your job to nurture and protect her, but she's a monster who is going to continually break your heart over and over again. Mental illness does not excuse bad behavior. In fact, by staying with her you are showing her that it's okay to mistreat and abuse others. If you walk away it will allow you to heal AND send a powerful message to her that she needs to change. Being someone's doormat isn't empathy; it's dysfunction.

 

Please, please, please don't go see her on her birthday. If you're already this attached, meeting her will just make it harder to cut the toxic chord that connects you to her.

 

There is no possibility of friendship here. There is no possibility of anything. By walking away, you are not abandoning her or being disloyal; you're setting healthy boundaries that will protect you from her emotional abuse.

 

If you really want to be a hero, get out of this situation. You can't save anyone if you're not standing on solid ground yourself.

 

I'd strongly recommend therapy to help you work through your insecurities and understand why you've allowed this relationship to continue for so long.

[ParisPaulette]

If you want commitment and consistency in actions and thoughts and how someone treats you, then yes.

 

If you don't want commitment and you enjoy blowing hot and cold yourself and keeping someone guessing at all times what your feelings might be or changing your mind constantly, then nope. You just gave up the perfect match for you.

 

Personally, I will pick A every time. I prefer consistency, and someone who doesn't make me wonder if I'm going crazy imagining things all the time while they enjoy jerking me around like a puppet.

[gambino92]

Hey everyone, I just wanted to post an update on the current situation with my break-up. I want to firstly thank those who told me to look into co-dependency as it has enlightened me on why I allowed myself to suffer for so long in this relationship and has given me the courage to accept this relationship was never going to work out. Me and the ex in question haven't spoken since the break-up, however despite those of you who suggested that I completely block her in every way, I just couldn't do it yet because I made a promise that I'd stay by her side even before we became lovers and I feel there is still a chance we can be good friends again, and I don't want to sabotage that possibility by removing her from my life.

 

We are still friends on facebook and several other social networks and she appears to be doing fine. My last message to her was to think over the relationship and to determine if she really wanted to be with me or not and she hasn't replied since then, which has caused me to believe she doesn't want to be with me anymore. I want to assure anyone reading that this isn't a problem for me; I actually want to return to being just friends because I know now there is no way a relationship would work between us, unless one of us sincerely decided to give up on quite a few important matters, which I doubt either one of us would ever be okay with. Her last message to me was asking for space, which I understand, but it's starting to bother me that we've remained connected on social networks yet she refuses to finally put everything to rest.

 

I want to honor her wish of space, but I'm not sure I can tolerate being "friends" but refusing to talk to each other about things for so long. I feel that I can't move on unless we finally have that closure. I'm planning on deleting and blocking her from everything if I don't hear from her by the end of the month, so that I may find peace in knowing that she is no longer lingering in my life as some kind of fake friend.

 

Thanks again to everyone who replied and I appreciate the help, I'm not sure I would've stuck by my decision if it wasn't for this site.