My fallen 3 year relationship :(

[sourhearts]

After much lurking, and comparing my story to others. I made the decision to share. Because why not. I'm tired of keeping quiet, feeling embarrassed of my fallen relationship.

 

I was in a 3 year relationship with a man whom I thought was IT for me. I'm 28, he's 30. We were madly in love, we fell HARD for one another. It was awesome, I felt like I finally met my match. Before him, I was in 2 other serious relationships. But until I met who I thought would be the one, I was like, "wow ... now I get it." He was my best friend, my go to. And he felt the same. Actually, he was the one head over heels for me. I was hesitant at first! But gave in, because we became so close. Falling in love was inevitable.

 

Anyway, I want to cut to the chase because I want to post this ASAP. The first 2 years were amazing. He always said, "I would never do anything to jeopardize this relationship." He was going through some financial struggles, paying rent, car insurance. It was all too much so he got a second job. So he was working his 10-6, then go to his second job as a server from 6 til closing. By the third week, he broke up with me. Out of the blue, saying he had no time for a relationship. Too much stress, too many bills to pay. All this bullcrap. I said, "Ok so be it!" Went NC from that day on. I cried every single day. He would call at least once a week until I finally put my foot down and said, "You broke up with me, we're not friends. Fix yourself." Went 2 weeks without speaking and he called, I called him. We met up the next day, rekindled. And a few days later he admitted to me that during the 4 weeks we had broken up, he had slept with a co-worker from his second job. That destroyed me. Hell, I'm still destroyed by that and it's been over a year. By the time we got back together, he had already quit because the money wasn't much anyway and it was taking a toll on him. He was really sorry, of course. Remorseful, full of regret. Said he drank excessively during that time apart with that !@#$.

 

I was very very hurt. I felt cheated. We weren't even broken up for a full month and he went off and slept with someone 7 days into our breakup. I asked him if he broke up with me just to sleep with her. And he said no, that it was a drunken random night. Whatever.

 

For months, I hated him, I nagged on him. (I know, I know). I would bring it up every chance I could. (I KNOW, VERY wrong of me.) I just could not let it go. That's when things started to go downhill. Fast forward to a few months later, I find out that he was talking to some girl from another country on Whatsapp. I find her on instagram and she had posted a picture of his eye (Yeah, I know ) with a caption of #eyellikeyousomuch #fallinginlove. I confronted him about it and he said that he talks to this girl once in a while because he's bored. And I told about the post and he said he had no idea. That it was never his intention to lead her on. Yeah what b.s. But in a way I felt that I wasn't being the best to him by the constant nagging by his past mistake and in a way I pushed to seek attention elsewhere.

 

Anyway, I asked him to stop talking to her. I even messaged her on instagram and made my profile public so she could see the pictures of US. My boyfriend and I. She just gave me a slick remark like, "Omg you're so obsessed with me." That was that. I wanted to believe that he had stopped talking to her.

 

Low and behold, I find out that he hadn't. He still talked to her for a few weeks after and then stopped. Deleted his whatsapp account, everything. But it was the fact that he LIED. He was starting to lie to me. Then to find out skype conversations between him and 2-3 other girls. They were from a few months ago, but still. We were TOGETHER. I didn't read through the conversations, but one can only imagine. I was so angry and upset. I just had enough. This was back in September. Our relationship was going through turmoil.

 

In a way I felt one to blame. I pushed him to it, I thought to myself. From being so upset about his past mistakes, and bringing it up, bringing it up over and over. Not letting go. Of course he was going to seek for something fun out there even it's from the internet because hell, in his brain it's not like he's cheating. But I felt cheated.

 

OK so in October, I just couldn't. I was bringing my demons out on him, he was doing the same. He was drinking A LOT. Making our weekends miserable. So he broke up with me mid-October. Again, I said, "Fine!" Actually, I packed up everything I owned that I had left at his house and left. I ignore his calls, his text messages. For 1 week he kept texting, "I made a mistake, this isn't what I want. I miss you." BLA BLA BLA. After almost 2 weeks, we met up. Sat down and talked, I said to him I will cut the b.s as in quit bringing the past up. And that I DO want to trust him again, but right now I don't. Long story short, he said that he doesn't want to meet other people. That we work so well together when things are good. Just all yap yap yap...when you get back together with your SO.

 

Things have been OK after that. I still didn't feel like I could truly trust him. Every time his phone would go off, I'd get super paranoid. It just wasn't normal the way I was being. I quit bringing the past up. Now let's cut to November-December. His attitude towards everything is so crappy as of late. ALWAYS complaining, about traffic, his job. EVERYTHING and everyone. A miserable old fart. I just kept my mouth shut and let him rant because I thought, he's not mad at me. He's just mad at a freaking cloud or something. Then all of a sudden I felt like everything I would say or do, he would yell at me. I couldn't offer him a cookie without him yelling at me. It was ridic. Not to mention, he was just being super cold with my physically. Barely would touch or kiss me. I had enough so mid December I wrote him an email saying, "What is going on? Is it someone else? Is it the fact that you have financial issues? Talk to me. Because I can't keep trying." He calls me, and says that we'll have a talk after the holidays.

 

Come this past Friday. The day before NYE. I called him, I told him, "I can't wait. We keep stalling this talk because I got the flu, then you lost your cell phone. Everything just keeps getting in the way. Let's have the talk NOW." He says that he hasn't been happy for a while. That the relationship is TOO MUCH. And that the only reason why he didn't break up with me sooner because he kept telling himself, maybe things can get better. And some times they are, but most times they aren't. He said that he does love me and I'm still the greatest person he's ever met. Bla bla bla. But then he gets angry with me over the phone and starts yelling. It was a mess. I asked him if there was anyone else and he said, no. And I asked him if he was still talking to that girl on Whatsapp and he said, yes. That he was still talking to her recently because he saw no damage from it and I was like, "WOW you lying s.o.b." We we went off on one another, hung up. Then Saturday, I was very angry and hurt. Sent him text messages just cursing his life out. (Toxic, I know).

 

I went out for NYE, eyes all swollen, put a fake smile on. Still had a good time. I told myself, once that ball drops, he's not hearing from me. I'm DONE. And when I say that, I mean it. He texted me at 12:03AM. After the ball dropped saying, "Happy New Year, I mean it." I didn't respond back, of course. And that's that. My story.

 

Am I hurt? Of course. I have bouts of anxiety. I HATE this more than anything. Like I told my bff, why couldn't he just be a good guy? I don't want to date other people, I did that enough in my early 20's. I want to be alone. I want him to be the man that I first fell in love with. That boy with a gold heart from the south. It makes me so sad the monster he's become. He drinks a lot, he had his car repossessed because he didn't make payments, he can barely afford groceries. He has a good job, that's like the only thing he has going on for him, but I was willing to go through these struggles with him because I loved him.

 

I don't know what's going to happen here on out. I know I'll end up hearing from him because he ALWAYS called him. Every night. I just want him to change, I just want to trust him again. I wish he had never done the things he's done. All the girls he's met on Omegle. Like, will he ever change?

 

I just want a fast forward button. Because only with time will I become stronger. But right now, I'm a sore open wound.

[gebaird]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are doing the right thing by going no contact. I'd recommend blocking his number so you don't even have to see his texts or calls. Otherwise your resolve could weaken and you could find yourself back in the toxic cycle in 2017.

 

He's not going to change, and you aren't to blame for his behavior. I suspect he was always this way; he was just better at hiding it during the first 2 years you were together.

 

Congratulations on escaping a horrible situation. I know it hurts now, but in time you will heal and see that you are better off without the drama and misery he brings to your life (even if there are times when things are good between you).

[browser]

You seriously need to block him.

[Jibralta]

That's awful, sourhearts.

 

I know you want him to change, but he's not going to. Sadly, he's probably been lying to you from the very beginning, starting with "I would never do anything to jeopardize this relationship."

 

Block him in every possible way, and take all the time that you need to heal. It will be rough, but you will get through it.

[KantSleep]

Not sure how he has a good job when his car got repossessed and he can't afford food. But, that is small potatoes in the grand scheme of things. Your BF should enhance your life, not make it a stressful, living hell. I think the relationship has burned itself out, and deep down you know that. Find someone healthy, someone who isn't busy chatting with other females and then lying about it. The drinking is also a red flag. It sounds like he is on his way to becoming an alcoholic. Cut your losses. The man looking for you, that wants what you want, can't find you when you are wrapped up in this unhealthy drama. Good luck.

[sourhearts]

He just has so many expenses. Points on his licence, etc. Owed lawyers some money. So the decent money he does make, it goes poof. But that's besides the point.

 

He IS an alcoholic. The remaining money he has left he spends it on booze. It's been like this since last year, I warned his mother about it because this is the worst I've ever seen him. It's scary.

 

Granted it's only been 2 days of NC, but I'm not looking at a calender wondering what day he'll come around like I did the first time we broke up a year ago.

 

I just keep telling myself, "He won't realize what he had until it's gone." Because I was a damn good girlfriend to him. Too good.

 

Of course in my wildest dreams, I pray that time passes and that it hits him hard. Because it will. And that he actually does change. Is that even possible?? I mean, he's 30. Not 22. Wake up, smell the coffee. Was it really worth throwing a potentially good relationship out the window just to talk to some online hookers. Ugh, it's so frustrating. How can someone lie so much??

[Jibralta]

I just keep telling myself, "He won't realize what he had until it's gone." Because I was a damn good girlfriend to him. Too good.

 

Of course in my wildest dreams, I pray that time passes and that it hits him hard. Because it will. And that he actually does change. Is that even possible??

 

Don't hold your breath.

[KantSleep]

It's good you know your worth. You will find someone who will enhance your life and give you what you deserve. It's hard walking away, but in the end it will be the best thing you can do for yourself.

[sourhearts]

Yes, at this point we had no other choice. Since I had no work today, I've been laying in bed just kind of in shock. Like, I can't believe this is my life right now. Looking back, at how happy we were. How dedicated he was to me. Why couldn't he just show his true colors 1 year into the relationship, damnit. 3 years it took.

 

Falling asleep is my only escape, as soon as my eyes open .. life itself is a nightmare.

 

Thank God for this message board, I've been reading it on and off all day.

 

I just want to wake up one morning and be completely over him. The things he's done are unforgivable.

[sourhearts]

I'm not afraid of breaking NC. I'm pretty stubborn and I have a lot of pride. He doesn't even deserve a poop emoji.

 

I guess what I'm just afraid of is .. hearing from him. Whether it be through email, text or voice mail. There's always a way, even if I block him. It may not be tomorrow or next week, but I know he's going to come around with something.

 

The weak part of me just wants him to be sorry and to come clean about everything I just want to know the truth as to why the lies ..

 

I'm ashamed that part of me feels that way. I don't know how strengthen up.

[browser]

The next time you hear from him make it the LAST time, let him know in no uncertain terms that he is not to contact you ever again unless he's seriously interested in reconciliation.

[sourhearts]

I don't want to ignore him to the point of no return. Because I've read stories like that. The ex/dumper realized his or her mistake, wants back in. But the one dumped gets TOO set in the ways of NC that when the 90 or whatever days are over .. the dumper has moved on.

 

You can only ignore someone for so long. I mean, for all I know I may never hear from him!! I kinda doubt that. I think he knows how angry and hurt I am right now. On NYE, one of the meanest things I said was, "What's the point in being 'handsome' when you're rotten from the inside? Your mission has only ever been to push those who love and care for you away." Meaning his mom because she's worried about his drinking, yet all he ever does is complain about his mother and brother. 2 people that love him the most.

 

But yes, if I hear from him it better be some good !@$#. None of that, "How are you?? Hope all is well."

 

Tomorrow will be a new day, back to work. I have to do some laundry and my gym has been waiting for me too damn long.

 

I've had some people tell me to join dating sites, but omg too soon. I have nothing to offer .. right now

[MaggieThisntha]

Honey people dont change and if they do its because something life changing happens.

If you leave him and he loves you, this could be the lifechanging shock he needs. For you though, there is no immediate relief. You should stay away and let him prove to you in time that hes capable of change. That is if he wants to.

Meanwhile go away on holiday, travel, turn ur phone and emails off and just be free. Just break away to kick start that healing u need.

[sourhearts]

Omg huge update. I'm in tears, weaker than yesterday. I'm in shock.

 

So I failed to mention that the Whatsapp foreign girl was visiting the states during the holidays, I saw by her instagram.

 

The night ex bf and I broke up, I asked him if he had plans to meet her since he had just confessed to me that he was still talking to her. He said no. So we broke up either way because .. you know why.

 

People, always follow your gut. I had this sinking feeling that they had met. I go on her Instagram and 3 days ago, she posted a picture of a lake. He lives at a walking distance from this lake. They met up. No doubt.

 

I panicked, called and texted one of my closest friends. No answer. So I screen captured the picture and sent it to him by email saying a few things. Like, how awful are you?? A few sentences of telling him how shocked I am. And that I really never want to speak to him. 10 years from now even.

 

Then I called him, but no answer. And texted saying, wow. Just wow. You met up with the girl you've been talking to on whatsapp, and I caught you and even had to message her to be like. I'm the girlfriend. And there you are meeting her.

 

I said, I'm dead to you, you're dead to me.

 

No response. It's not like him, he always fights back with words. So his silence scares me, but it's for the best.

 

Now I've put him on all block. It's over. There is no getting back with him. I want nothing to do with a lying cheating scumbag.

 

I'm still in shock. I feel sick to my stomach.

[Ms Darcy]

He's been meeting with her for a while. This is just the first time you found out.

 

If you are wanting to get back with an alcoholic, I suggest you consider going to an Al anon meeting. Good luck.

[browser]

So I screen captured the picture and sent it to him by email saying a few things. Like, how awful are you?? A few sentences of telling him how shocked I am. And that I really never want to speak to him. 10 years from now even.

 

Then I called him, but no answer. And texted saying, wow. Just wow. You met up with the girl you've been talking to on whatsapp, and I caught you and even had to message her to be like. I'm the girlfriend. And there you are meeting her.

 

I said, I'm dead to you, you're dead to me.

 

I hope you realize now that this was an over the top reaction and it won't do anything for you other then set you back.

 

No response. It's not like him, he always fights back with words. So his silence scares me, but it's for the best.

 

There's no response because in his eyes, you are now the "crazy ex". He's happily involved with someone new and to him you are at the very least, an annoyance at worst, some sort of threat.

 

Now I've put him on all block. It's over. There is no getting back with him.

 

When you feel weak and want to contact him, read the above quote over and over until you lose the urge to reach out.

 

I'm still in shock. I feel sick to my stomach.

 

It gets better.

[sourhearts]

No doubt I overreacted. I felt like I had nothing to lose though. It would have been day 4 of NC. Back at square 1, but why count?

 

He did end up answering after I called a second time. Of course I went off. I asked him to tell me truth. He said they hung out for half a day, went to the supermarket (what we ALWAYS used to do, they took an Uber because neither has a car, hah), ate back at his place, hung out and then she left. Then he went to his mom's house to ring in the new year (which I know is a fact).

 

He said nothing happened between them. That they hung out as friends. Pssh. He said if he had hooked up with her he would just be straight up with me about it because it wouldn't make a difference in our situation. We're broken up.

 

I asked if they're romantically involved and he said no. That it is not like that. So hard to believe him though when he's lied to me 1 too many.

 

I feel like they're laughing behind my back. This is some online chick he met in person, he's known her less than a year.

 

I've know him for 5 years, we were friends before anything. And this is what I get in return? I didn't know monsters existed.

 

I don't care what I see now. What happens. He's not hearing from me. I just needed that confirmation that they met and ..there it was. My gut instinct did not lie. He'll get what's coming to him. I'm now leaving it all on God's hands.

 

My mom confessed to me that for the last few months she was praying to God that if he wasn't the right one for me, to distant him. And since then, I swear it's been one thing after another. I just didn't want to give up on us, but I always knew ..something big would blow up in my face sooner or later.

[sourhearts]

"There's no response because in his eyes, you are now the "crazy ex". He's happily involved with someone new and to him you are at the very least, an annoyance at worst, some sort of threat."

 

I'm not sure how to do quotes here, but I screen captured this to save. Because thank you.

 

What kills me every morning, is remembering the amazing times we had. We still talked about taking a trip to Chicago recently. Trying out new restaurants, our love for food, getting out of work at the same time and grabbing chicken wings or our random late night drives to taco bell. Lol I'm making myself sounds like such a fatty. Our weekends together, listening to music .. watching game of thrones, we were still supposed to watch the hobbit. Just everything. It's all gone now and I'm sad.

 

The night he broke up with me, he went on and on about how he was finding it so hard to break up with me for awhile because we have the same hobbies, interests in food and music. Just everything that's he's never had with anyone else and I felt the same. I've never shared all the same interests. Not even with my best friend! I hope he remembers that forever. And realizes sooner or later what we had. And I pray that by then I've moved on. Because he demons are much too scary.

 

Sorry, long rant. I'm just in tears and I'm at a state where I don't know what to do with myself. I have no motvitiaton.

[Jibralta]

I panicked, called and texted one of my closest friends. No answer. So I screen captured the picture and sent it to him by email saying a few things. Like, how awful are you?? A few sentences of telling him how shocked I am. And that I really never want to speak to him. 10 years from now even.

 

Then I called him, but no answer. And texted saying, wow. Just wow. You met up with the girl you've been talking to on whatsapp, and I caught you and even had to message her to be like. I'm the girlfriend. And there you are meeting her.

 

I said, I'm dead to you, you're dead to me.

 

Actually, I don't think this is such an over-the-top reaction. It's pretty appropriate, given the circumstances. You told him he's caught and that you're done with him. It's not like you punched him in the face and slashed his tires. Maybe you will regret your words or your actions from time to time, but honestly there's nothing to be ashamed of. You stood up for yourself and said what was on your mind. Now, be done with him.

[sourhearts]

Thank you. I don't regret it whatsoever. But that's the last of it. They're not going to make a joke out of me. He'll feel the burn of losing me, because he does still love me. In his own screwed up way.

 

He was caught redhanded. It set me back 3 days of no contact, but that's nothing. After 10 days or so, I ain't counting no more.

 

I have bouts of anxiety sometimes. I imagine them hanging out this weekend, her sleeping over. Doing everything that we used to do. And it makes me sick. Filling my head with these scenes. Why am I doing this to myself??

 

I've been reading a lot on the forum and I cannot believe how many stories .. of the dumpee already having someone day 1 after a BU. Hell, even before. It's like, it's normal or something.

 

I'm sticking to my word though. A zombie apocalypse can happen and I still would not contact him.

 

I lost my best friend. He betrayed me

[Roselynn1]

Thank you. I don't regret it whatsoever. But that's the last of it. They're not going to make a joke out of me. He'll feel the burn of losing me, because he does still love me. In his own screwed up way.

 

He was caught redhanded. It set me back 3 days of no contact, but that's nothing. After 10 days or so, I ain't counting no more.

 

I have bouts of anxiety sometimes. I imagine them hanging out this weekend, her sleeping over. Doing everything that we used to do. And it makes me sick. Filling my head with these scenes. Why am I doing this to myself??

 

I've been reading a lot on the forum and I cannot believe how many stories .. of the dumpee already having someone day 1 after a BU. Hell, even before. It's like, it's normal or something.

 

I'm sticking to my word though. A zombie apocalypse can happen and I still would not contact him.

 

I lost my best friend. He betrayed me

 

Lol @ a zombie apocalypse. You remind me of myself in some ways As much as I miss my ex, I have too much pride to initiate contact. Nothing will make me reach out. I'm trying to get myself to the point of not responding to anything that isn't related to having a serious conversation. Slowly but surely... Might not feel like it but you/we're doing the right thing by staying away and not putting up with their BS.

 

I think some people are afraid of being alone. So after a break up will just easily fall into another relationship. It keeps them from being lonely and also from dealing and thinking about the break up. They just need someone to help pass the time. And then there are the rare times when the rebound actually becomes something meaningful... Who knows. Can't really worry about all that. Just stay strong and keep your self-respect cuz you deserve so much more than what he was offering.

[sourhearts]

Lol @ a zombie apocalypse. You remind me of myself in some ways As much as I miss my ex, I have too much pride to initiate contact. Nothing will make me reach out. I'm trying to get myself to the point of not responding to anything that isn't related to having a serious conversation. Slowly but surely... Might not feel like it but you/we're doing the right thing by staying away and not putting up with their BS.

 

Yes to not responding that isn't related to having a serious conversation! And even then, screw him.

 

Small update (posted tis on the NC Challenge thread earlier)

 

I went to bed around midnight, work Saturday morning. I woke up around 5am to use the bathroom. Notice my phone blinking, thought it was a stupid Samsung notification. Missed call from him at 2am.

 

I couldn't believe it. It's only day 4 of NC. I atleast gave it 2-3 weeks before I would hear from him. Esp with him knowing how ANGRY I am. Oh, but knowing him so well. He was most definitely drunk.

 

I know if I had answered, he would have said, "Hey....I don't know why I even called. Just wanted to say what's up." For a fact. Because in the past when he's broken up with me for a week. That's the !@#$ he says. Never fails.

 

I have a confession to make. I CANNOT stop checking that whatsapp girls Instagram. I mean they hung out last Saturday. What's stopping them this weekend besides the snow storm we're getting now? I haven't seen anything suspicious. But it's like I want to KNOW. I want to prove to myself even more that he's scum. Even though it'll killlll me. I feel like she wants to laugh at my face and be like, HA HA. She knows who I am.

 

It's like, drinking poison. How do I stop? Thank God I don't have Facebook. It's just Instagram. Aside from that, I feel like I'm doing okay. Teared up a litte driving home from work. But because a song made me sad.

[Roselynn1]

I have a confession to make. I CANNOT stop checking that whatsapp girls Instagram. I mean they hung out last Saturday. What's stopping them this weekend besides the snow storm we're getting now? I haven't seen anything suspicious. But it's like I want to KNOW. I want to prove to myself even more that he's scum. Even though it'll killlll me. I feel like she wants to laugh at my face and be like, HA HA. She knows who I am.

 

It's like, drinking poison. How do I stop? Thank God I don't have Facebook. It's just Instagram. Aside from that, I feel like I'm doing okay. Teared up a litte driving home from work. But because a song made me sad.

 

Now you know you need to stop looking at that girl's IG, right? But I get it cuz I'm the same damn way. I'll be like, "no don't look, none of that matters, ya'll not together he can do what he wants." Then the next day it will be like "go look at stuff, go see what he's been up to. Knowing will hurt but it will make you stronger, make you stop holding on. Go on FB/IG..." It's nuts. But you know what? All of those FBI/CIA skills we all a sudden realize we have to find out stuff doesn't matter. Cuz with some folks there will always be something off. There will always be some chick in the picture. If it's not Whatsapp girl, it will be another. It will always be someone other then you. And that's not what we want. We want someone who will always choose us. And right now, for whatever reason they're not. this is what they need to do, where they need to be right now. Nothing you can do about that. Let them be. I'm not preaching, cuz trust me I need to take my own advice. But sometimes, it's so much easier to see what someone else is doing wrong then what you are cuz we always find excuses for ourselves...

[Jibralta]

I have bouts of anxiety sometimes. I imagine them hanging out this weekend, her sleeping over. Doing everything that we used to do. And it makes me sick. Filling my head with these scenes. Why am I doing this to myself??

 

I don't know, but it's very normal.

 

Stay strong!