Ex has new boy friend. I still love her.

[Am6]

My ex gf and I broke up at almost 6 years. We have a house, car furniture and everything together. She told me that she just doesnt have any feelings for me and that she doesn't love me. She said shes felt this way for two months but never told me and said i should have notice And cared for her. I did notice and I thought when she was ready she would come talk to me. She started hanging out with two friends that did the same things to there boy friends. I work third shift and work alot. And she said that i never wanted to do anything eith her. She always stayed home because she only works part time and goes to school part. I work so much because i didnt want her to stress over money. So i paid for everything. She told my best friend that she was moving out and then I asked her and she said ya. When she first moved out. We stayed friends. We have been split for 3 weeks now. I moved all of her stuff for her but she just wasn't acting the same. So I gave her space and did not contact for a week then I contacted her because one of my friends had passed away and I wanted to see her. And we talked and she told me she was talking to someone else and she really really liked him and he deserved more of a chance than I did and that she would never love me. They had but talk for 3 days. After that. I begged her to give me another chance and that I would change and tried talking to her parents and her friends. And telling her how i truly felt over and over. I bothered her to much and then she blocked me because I was crossing the line. I even bought a ring and purposed. Before she moved out because she told me that's all she ever wanted. Since all of this. I have apologized and we have made things civil but she still has alot of stuff at my house and is only slowing taking it. She goes out of her way to tell me that she has never been this happy in the 6 years she was with me as she is now with him. On the first date she stayed at his house. She isnt that type of person. I truly love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I know there is other women out there but she is the one I want. I am just wondering what my next step is. I don't think she will ever miss me so if I don't talk to her she will just move on with this guy. And she is really rushing it with the new guy. He is older and already settled and everything. I I know I can't keep pushing her. Do I just ignore her completely. Or do I try and be friends with her. Do I let her come and go when she wants to get her stuff? Just need some advice.

Thanks.

[TheT]

I think you should have communicated with her more when you started to notice things being different. But if she is really emphasizing how happy she is now, she might just be the type of girl who enjoys the "spark" of a new relationship so to speak. In short, a maturity issue on her part. A successful relationship requires work from both parties, if one is unwilling to work the relationship is destined to fail. But again, i think you might have missed your opportunity to do the work when not talking to her initially. Though in your defense, she should have given you a chance to work on yourself or with her on the issues at hand. I suggest getting her things out as quickly as possible and sending her a message that you are moving on too. By begging her to stay you give her nothing to lose.

[Am6]

Ya I know I should have done something earlier. I never realized how much she meant me to until it was to late. And that's exactly what she is doing she loves the spark. She said that we didn't have it anymore and that I wasn't the guy for her and that she didn't see being able to marry me and staying with me forever and she only wants to be married once. And she said I never wanted to do anything eith her but that's not true. I have truly changed because of her. I gave up alot for her I changed my job. She hated sleeping alone. I just don't know what to do. I really want to fix things with her but she won't let me she said someday shed like to be friends but not anytime soon. I know there is nothing anyone can do to change her mind. I just hope she see the grass isn't greener. She did this about 5 years ago but she apologized and came back. Right away. I just don't grt how someone leaves after 6 years and then jumps right back in with someone and doesn't even care about me anymore. After first she talked all about him to me. And told me she wanted my approval of him. She just is kinda leaving me mixed signals. The only time she talks to me now is if she needs something. I just don't know if I should totally ignore her and make her miss me or if that will make her closers eith this other guy or I talk just always do the things she wants. I did send her a letter telling her sorry and how I truly felt about her and told her that I was moving on and I am but I really think she is the perfect one for me and want to be with her.

[Hollyj]

I'm sorry, that you are going through this.

 

I suggest you tell her to come and get her stuff, and get it all out. You also need to stop communicating about anything other than the personal property and final bills. When these issues are settled, go NC. You are only pushing her away by attempting to be her friend, and more importantly you need to heal

[force]

A woman will check out of a relationship usually months before she officially leaves. A lot of times the guy is blindsided by this. She will leave when there are literally NO more feelings for you. That is why a woman will have an easier time moving on than a guy does. I know you said you worked a lot to provide for her but you can NEVER stop dating or courting your gf/wife. When the guy does get dumped he goes into panic mode and makes promises or proposes and it backfires. You never ignore a woman. You should apologize and say you want to work it out then if she resists say well if you change your mind get in touch with me. After you do this DO NOT chase her at all, no texts, calls, emails. If she does contact you for some reason in the future and you're still interested invite her over for drinks at your house and make a move. Don't ever resort to the friend zone, if you do you'll never get in her pants again.

[Am6]

Shouldn't she have at least told me was wasn't happy. She told her parents and friends she cried to them but never once to me. We never fought that's what I don't get. You don't just stop loving.

[Hollyj]

She should have, but chose not to. You need to accept the outcome, and cut contact.

[browser]

Shouldn't she have at least told me was wasn't happy. She told her parents and friends she cried to them but never once to me. We never fought that's what I don't get. You don't just stop loving.

 

Apparently she had difficulty expressing her feelings to you. That might be a question you need to ask yourself.. but instead of "what" she should have done ask "why" she did it.

 

See that way, you move from the 'it's not fair' mindset to 'I need to work on myself so I can avoid these sorts of problems with the next person' mindset.

[Am6]

I get that. I am currently working on myself and I am getting better everyday. I didn't realize how I felt about this girl until she was gone. I know that's always the case. I just wish there was something else I could do. Do you think that she is getting in a rebound relationship? What's the best way to get her to miss me. Completely leave her life? I would do anything to be with this women especially if she would just let me show her I've changed.

[browser]

I didn't realize how I felt about this girl until she was gone. I know that's always the case.

 

If you're really learning about yourself hopefully you will get to the point that this no longer applies to you. It certainly doesn't apply "always" as you said. In fact I'd bet that it happens only "some" of the time. Generally, people who are healthy and well adjusted end a relationship because they know it's not working or they know they just don't have the feelings for the person. They don't break up and then always say "Oh I didn't realize how much I felt for her".

 

Do you think that she is getting in a rebound relationship?

 

Rebounds usually happen after a loooong relationship ends and the dumped person jumps into something new to bury their pain. Sometimes the dumper does the same but often times they're over the first person long before they actually breakup, so it's less likely to be a rebound.

 

What's the best way to get her to miss me. Completely leave her life?

 

Yes, completely leave her life and don't have any expectations she'll return. Sometimes they do. But don't count on it.

 

I would do anything to be with this women especially if she would just let me show her I've changed.

 

It hasn't been that long. You really haven't changed that much. You only want to believe you did. All dumpers think that way. "She dumped me, my eyes are now wide open and I'm this incredibly better new person". After, say.. a week or two.

[Am6]

I just feel like she is rushing things to hide her pain. She is not the type of person that forgets about someone. Before she found someone she told me she wasn't looking and she wanted to be friends and then sll of a sudden it just happened and she didn't want to be friends anymore. She said we have nothing in common and I am perfectly content with where I'm at. Im into everything. I do everything. I don't have time to do anything else. It's just like she is trying to make excuses to not be with me. I do realize what I did wrong but if she was so in love with me like she said. Why wouldn't see talk to me. I want to fix it but I have faced the fact she will never come back. she is ready to settle and once she gets in a relationship she stays. I just thought if I talked to you guys maybe you had some advice to help me get her back. I realize it's a long shot.

[Am6]

I just feel like she is rushing things to hide her pain. She is not the type of person that forgets about someone. Before she found someone she told me she wasn't looking and she wanted to be friends and then sll of a sudden it just happened and she didn't want to be friends anymore. She said we have nothing in common and I am perfectly content with where I'm at. Im into everything. I do everything. I don't have time to do anything else. It's just like she is trying to make excuses to not be with me. I do realize what I did wrong but if she was so in love with me like she said. Why wouldn't see talk to me. I want to fix it but I have faced the fact she will never come back. she is ready to settle and once she gets in a relationship she stays. I just thought if I talked to you guys maybe you had some advice to help me get her back. I realize it's a long shot.

[J Miracle]

This is really difficult, and your not alone. my 6yr relationship also ended 3 weeks ago. Your only chance at getting her back is to leave her be, and focus on yourself. That way, if she does decide to come back, there will hopefully be enough time and self-improvement on your end to showcase genuine change. If she wants you back, she knows how to reach you. But don't count on her return. And don't friend zone yourself. It won't be an honest friendship, considering your agenda of reconciliation. Cry all you want, spend time with friends and family, journal, be a mess, get it all out now. Then rebuild.

 

Also Your not a mind reader. She has communication issues, and it doesn't sound like you were given the chance to address the problems. And the fact that she's rubbing her new found partnership in your face is disgusting. No contact is your best friend. From here out, keep your dignity in tact and let her be.

[Am6]

That's my plan. It's just hard because she is truly a wonderful person. She has depression and anxiety so Idk if that is part of it or what. I know I wasn't a perfect boy friend. But I did so much for her and she doesn't even care about it one bit. I worked so much so she could have the things she had with out struggling. I can't read her mind but to grt through it I'm telling my self she will be back even though I truly know she will never see me like that again. The hardeSt thing for me is thr what if. What if I would have went to her and been there what if I would have told her her friends are losers. I can't get that out of my head.

[J Miracle]

You didn't and still don't have control over this. Issuing blame isn't helping you any, especially on yourself. Have you thought of journaling? It has really helped me. Rewrite the past in a way that's palatable, over and over. You can make a written inventory of all the things you did right, and all the lessons you've learned from your mistakes. It sounds like you've made a lot of noble sacrifices to help her, keep that in mind. You simply may have been too occupied with work and being a provider to identify her dissatisfaction.

 

I still have moments of panic and think "what the F have I done? I ruined it." Then I journal. Might help you.

 

And maybe instead of telling yourself "she might come back", tell yourself " she's not coming back". You don't want to be suspended in denial, no matter how relieving it feels.

[Am6]

Yes I have tried that. I have written page after page and it seems to make me feel worse. The reason I blame myself is because she blames me. I really do have control over it. I'm just looking for advice to see how other people's stories have played out. She told me that she was 22 and that she had never been able to just go out and do what she wanted. and that's why I'm so confused. She wants to do what she wants. Fine. Why d she jump right back in with someone. She says she wasent happy for two months. that's not true. I asked her numerous times what was wrong and she said. Nothing just feeling down. I tried. I was just wondering if anyone had someone they were in a long relationship do the same thing and years down the road realise it was better than they thought. Love isn't just something that is made and lost. It has to be worked for and to me it's seems as though she didn't want to work for it anymore she just expected it. I blame us both. We should have communicated better.

[BrokenGator]

That's my plan. It's just hard because she is truly a wonderful person. She has depression and anxiety so Idk if that is part of it or what. I know I wasn't a perfect boy friend. But I did so much for her and she doesn't even care about it one bit. I worked so much so she could have the things she had with out struggling. I can't read her mind but to grt through it I'm telling my self she will be back even though I truly know she will never see me like that again. The hardeSt thing for me is thr what if. What if I would have went to her and been there what if I would have told her her friends are losers. I can't get that out of my head.

I'm sorry but she can't be that wonderful based on the way she acted towards you. I mean come on... She's with you for six years, breaks up with you, then tells you she lost that feeling and you should have figured it out earlier? Then jumps into a new relationship and tells you all about it. Sounds like you should be happy she did you a favor and broke up with you! Time to find someone that actually cares about you!

[No1]

AM6...First thing is first. You are in Denial that it is over. My ENA brother... Its over. Once you begin to realize that and quit asking questions you will be able to move on. However saying move on and actually moving on are far easier said than done. So let me hit you with some reality.

You neglected her. After the break up you paid attention to her but it was too much, too late. You resorted to reasoning and bargaining when she had already told you good-bye. Love is a lot like a Rose Garden. If you want it to remain beautiful, you have to pay attention to it, maintain it, care for it, love it and watch it bloom. You neglect it, it dies. You worked hard for this girl and I bet there were times that you reminded her of it. Tell me you never said that you are working so much for her... Tell me in the last 6 years you never used working hard for her line against her.

She gave you PLENTY of hints. You failed to see them... this girl is no genius, she was given you signs, you either disregarded them or chalked it up to stress. For whatever reason, you refused to believe her actions equaled unhappy.

You are not the first guy to make these mistakes and you are not the last. Today there is a new crop of guys who have made mistakes that are heartbroken. What we all must do (men and women) is learn from our mistakes. But first thing you have to do is admit that its over and accept the situation. She likes another guy and she is not with you.

 

As much as that hurts, thats reality. At this point you cant go back and try to analyze her moves, wonder if it is her depression or try to figure out if this new relationship is real or not. If she is going to come back to you. Thats just wasted energy. Here is what Im going to tell you.. not to get your hopes up, just saying.. You have no idea what the future holds. If you two were meant to be then its going to happen. But she is the one that has to come to you with no influence from you in any way. If you want her to miss you, then she has to see a life without you. That means you must remove yourself from her life or else she will remove you from it and if that happens.. You are done. (it sounds like she has already). What she does, her future, who she kisses, who she has sex with, who she sleeps with is not your concern anymore. She is not yours, she is not your property, you have no rights to her, you have no ownership, you have nothing with her. She left you... you must accept that.

 

At some point you have to move on. The reasons why dont matter. She left because she wanted to, she didnt want to be in a relationship with you, and she is out and found another guy. Thats the situation, thats the truth and thats reality. Accept it and you will be able to heal.

[Am6]

I understand the denial process I am doing what I need to do to get over her. I'm working on myself and I've never been happier than I am now. I haven't spoken or seen her in a week and today she stopped out of no where and asked why I couldn't be civil with her and I said I am. I'm not going out of my way to talk to her because I have moved on. She said when you seem really happy and I said never been happier she started to tear up and I said what's wrong she said I'm just stressed but I'm happy. She also told me this needs guy asked her to be official and she said she wasnt sure of it. I told her not to rush and but to do what makes her happy that's what I'm doing. She said she really wanted me to talk to someone because then she wouldn't feel as hurt to date this guy. But she feels this guy is trying to rush things with her and she isn't sure if she's ready. We also went into detail on why and how our relationship failed and aaid that it was over and done with and it can't be fixed but she managed to say maybe ten years down the road we will meet again. I'm working on getting over her but just kinda curios what you guys thought of this.

[Am6]

So I just wanted to update you guys on my situation. from thr last time I posted. I'm doing alot better since then. I have realize she won't come back. And if she does. I won't be here for her as much as I want her back. She doesnt deserve it. I'm actually feel more confident and looking at other women now.

 

I just wanted your thoughts on this situation now.

 

I went lc with my ex because she still had alot of stuff at my place. Last night she stopped and picked everything up eith her new bf. I put everything on the front porch and told her to come get it. well yesterday before she came she was messaging me saying she was coming to get her stuff and her boyfriend was coming and I said then I'll put all your stuff on the porch and she said no. Please don't. she begged me to leave it in the house. I moved it anyway as I told her that I didn't want them in my house because she promised she would never bring him with. She said he was her only option with a truck.

 

She then got mad and said it was her house too. Don't forget who made you move there. We then got in a little heated discussion and I said I'm not arguing with you. I'm just not putting myself in that situation.

 

We own a car togrther and I then manged to ask her what we were going to do about it. I said you either need to take a loan out and pay ours off or get a co signer. As I'm trying to buy a new vehicle.

 

She then got mad and said I never thought you be like this and try to steal my car away and if you want it back. I'll leave it in your drive way. I never said that. It was getting heated so I told her just to call me as she was getting the wrong context from my messages.

 

She said. Yes I'll call you. So she called me and said hey whats up. I said nothing you. She said oh just going to school. I said I just wanted to talk to you about the car. I said I would never take the car from you. I just am trying to buy and new one and so on. And we settled it.

 

She then manged to go on about her new guy and life and said Idk if I should tell you this stuff and I said thats your choice. You don't have to tell me anything. We then some how got on the topic of us. And I said it's over with im not going there with you.

 

And she told me to just tell her. I said you've changed since you left. And she said everyone thinKS it's a good change. (She is drinking every weekend hanging out with people she doesn't no and just being a social butterfly) she said oh is it bad. I said. Never said that.

 

She also managed to say that she knows it was her fault and that she is really sorry for hurting me so much and that she never wanted to do that. She wants me to be happy too. Which is completely different than before. Before she told me I was the one that changed and it was my fault.

 

We also talked about how we could have fixed it and that if she would have talked to me about her not being happy that we could have changed something and she said she just didn't know how to talk to me and she didn't want to hurt me so she just left. And that I wasn't the reason she wasn't happy.

 

I also told her that a new bf isn't the reason she was so happy and she said yes I know that. She is just happy with who is has become and that he is just a plus.

 

She then asked me if I had some hot date because I wasn't going to be home. and asked how my snowmobile trip went. She also managed to break something on her car and she said that her dad was going to fix it. A month ago she told me her new bf was going to fix it and that I didn't need to worry about it and she asked me if her Dad would know how and what she needed.

 

I then said well someday I'd like to be friends down the road and that if she ever needed help I would help her and she said same with you. And that she didn't want me to help her because she felt as though she was using me and didn't want that. Yet I still wrote her a 200 dollar check haha.

 

She also said. I see the bowling alley is the new hang out and I said ya I don't go as I don't want to get in the middle of you and your bf because that's where she always goes to drink. She said. What are you talking about we have never went out drinking togrther. Which is weird they both drink every weekend.

 

She then came and got her stuff and messaged me and asked if I could come home so she could get in the house to go through and make sure everything was out. So that she didn't have to ever come back. I told her I wasn't home I was bowling. And she said ok sorry if I came off as a b.... I didn't realise it till I reread it. I hope you have a good night bowling.

 

She also told me that she would never ever lie to me and i told her that she was talking to her bf before and knew him before we broke up and she said no I didn't. I had know idea who he was. And she sent me all of there conversations when they first started talking with the time stamps and dates.and said she would never lie to me about anything. Why would she do that?

 

I am now working on me. and healing. I just wanted your thoughts. As everything she just told me is completely different from when we first broke up.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. You got her stuff out and yeah, no new bf in the house. Let her do a walk through while you're there so she doesn't sue you down the road for something.

 

Also straighten out the car thing on paper, legally. Sever all ties. Don't play games with her or go back and forth, it's hurting you. She has a new bf.

Last night she stopped and picked everything up eith her new bf. I moved it anyway as I told her that I didn't want them in my house We own a car togrther and I then manged to ask her what we were going to do about it. I'll leave it in your drive way. She then came and got her stuff and messaged me and asked if I could come home so she could get in the house to go through and make sure everything was out. So that she didn't have to ever come back.