Will my ex-boyfriend ever grieve our relationship?

[x17c6]

My long-term boyfriend of three years recently broke up with me. We were best friends before we got into the relationship and the first few years were amazing. We had ups and downs like all relationships but because of our close friendship, we always managed to work things out and communicate with each other. I found out a few weeks later that he had been seeing someone else for around 6 weeks leading up to our break up. I am now heartbroken and feel like my world has been completely turned upside down. I am having to get used to life without my significant other and I feel very lonely and empty. I feel like I am having to go through this break up process alone while my ex-boyfriend is now happy and his new partner gets to experience all the things that I miss doing with my ex.

 

I guess I just want to find comfort in knowing if he will ever grieve the relationship and feel the way I feel? If his new relationship doesn't work out, will he look back at the relationship we had and mourn? I feel like he has already moved on. But how can someone that I lived with and shared such a close bond with move on so quickly? He was my life and I felt like heaven existed with him. The good times we had together and the feelings we shared could not be faked. How can he move on and just be fine?

 

I don't understand.

[gebaird]

There are a few possible answers to your question. Some people (especially the dumper) mourn the loss of a relationship while still in it, and when it actually ends they have few emotional ties left. Others block their emotions, focusing on the worst parts of a relationship in order to make it easier for them to move on. I've done this without realizing it, and it caught up with me a few years later when the anger subsided and I was left with a feeling of loss. The fact that he has someone new to occupy his time and attention may keep him from feeling his loss, but when that relationship is no longer new he might miss you.

 

I know it hurts to see him happy when you are so sad, but dwelling on his apparent happiness isn't doing you any favors. Focus on healing and let him work out his own karma.

[Lost21234]

After the honeymoon phase of his new relationship is over and when problems arise he probably will have some regrets. Sadly your left dealing with this full on without a safety net and that can be so hard. Stay strong.

[x17c6]

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it

[IAmFCA]

He will miss you. You may never know. Remember that. Just because he doesn't tell you or show it doesn't mean he doesn't have dreams about you, thoughts about you, now and/or later. Similarly, the woman he is seeing now... don't assume he is happy. Make no assumptions. What people show is a veneer and he needs a veneer to save face, please his new gf, or convince himself.

 

You go on building your new path. Surely some gifts will result from your efforts and you will impress yourself with your own resilience and wisdom.

[BrokenGator]

Do you really want to be with someone who is capable of just dumping you after all that time and then jumping into a new relationship? He's not worth crying over. I say you got lucky he did this to you know rather than later. The quicker you move on, the faster you can start searching for someone worth your time.

[x17c6]

I could never be with him again because I know that it wouldn't work. The trust would be gone and things could never be the same as they once were. I just don't think it's fair that after 3 years, he gets to be happy with someone else while I'm left with a broken heart and forced to re-plan my life. I want him to suffer too.

[MissCanuck]

I feel for you, OP. I experienced something similar, though our relationship was longer. My ex too started seeing someone before he and I split up.

 

The difference in my case is that I can't deny we'd been growing apart anyway. I wasn't all that sad that we had ended our relationship, but I was furious that he'd been do devious and disrespectful to me.

 

The truth is that he probably won't ever feel the way you do now. I say that because he'd long since emotionally detached from you if he was able to cheat like he did. That's not to say he might not regret what he did or that he won't miss you. That's entirely possible. But it takes a very peculiar and cold mindset to be able to deceive someone's significant other, to the degree that he likely won't experience that same emotional turmoil that you currently are. That's been my experience anyway.

 

It's not fair, you're right. It's a particularly nasty reality that things don't always play out in a fair or equal manner. While we suffer, they don't. And there's not much we can do about that, infuriating as it is. I walked away knowing the type of man my ex turned out to be, and knowing his new girlfriend would have to deal with that now (She knew me, and mostly certainly knew we were together and lived together) I could hold my head high while his behaviour made him look like a total cow.

 

May I ask, how did you come to find out all of this? I found out because my ex had gotten careless and left a couple pieces of evidence lying around, which he couldn't explain (ex, a restaurant receipt from a night he'd claimed to be working) He'd been growing more distant and when I started finding these things, I put two and two together and he couldn't really tell me that my suspicions were wrong.

[x17c6]

Thanks for your reply and I'm sorry to hear that you have been through something similar. I had a gut feeling for the last 2 months that there was someone else, the vibe in the relationship changed, my intuition was telling me but I didn't want to believe it. We have been sorting things out over the past week like our house, etc and he left his phone unlocked and the texts messages open and I couldn't help but look. They were arranging to meet that night and calling each other baby. I felt so sick and like I had been completely betrayed. Now I can't help but think that this motivated the break-up. He said he had doubts before he starting seeing someone else. Although I know I could never be with him again and that the trust has been broken, I still love him and for some reason I can't hate him, even though I probably should.

[IAmFCA]

People have emotional needs that are greater than their need for their SO.

 

I have never bothered to investigate, but I suspect my exH had affairs with at least two women prior to the gf who he eventually lived with (while still married to me) and married.

 

Cold and calculating isn't his thing. In fact he is an awful liar. Avoiding intimacy is his thing, as is a deep need for validation.

 

His wife reviews his email, his texts, his billing records, and makes note of his time traveling between my house and theirs. When he is away he is required to call her at a certain time. Its a life that works for them.

[No1]

It doesnt really matter does it? Will it change your life or change the situation if he all of a sudden cries for you? 3 things you must rid yourself of..

1. Wants. 2. Needs 3. Fears

Having these will not help you move forward in life. I know you want him to feel as you do. You want him to miss you the same way you miss him and thats just not going to happen, Im sorry to say. Each person deals with loss their own way and it could very well be that he is delaying the hurt by being with this other girl.

And you are also looking at Love and Happiness as a race. It doesnt matter who found love or found happiness first. It matters that you find love and happiness on your own time. And c'mon.. just because he is with another girl it doesnt mean he is happy... He could very well be projecting his love for you onto her. Who knows.. the point is that what he does, does not matter. You must hold your head up high and say you were an amazing partner and there is room in your heart for someone better to come into your life. He had his chance. Now its time to find that person who was happy and that person that attracted this guy. You attracted a guy before and you can do it again. You will just do it on your own time. Youll be okay, promise

[x17c6]

thank you so much

[Ms Darcy]

I could never be with him again because I know that it wouldn't work. The trust would be gone and things could never be the same as they once were. I just don't think it's fair that after 3 years, he gets to be happy with someone else while I'm left with a broken heart and forced to re-plan my life. I want him to suffer too.

 

Ahh, but who's the one suffering? You as the dumpee. And then add to that your desire for him to suffer. It's like- focusing on him is compounding your own suffering. (It adds anger and hope for revenge to sadness and remorse.)