I've lost my way

[David hood]

I've been married for 8 years. My wife is the most extraordinary, beautiful person I've ever met. We have not been able to have children despite ivf, and we both became engulfed with sorrow. I have suffered poor mental health for years and couldn't cope; it is no excuse but I started to visit prostitutes as I needed sex to be just about sex again. I have no friends nearby to help me and in a very dark place. I stopped going to prostitutes months ago as I love my wife dearly and have done all I can to change; I am seeing a counsellor, have addressed my issues and see where I want my life to go. I'm distraught at what I've done and have thought seriously twice about suicide but managed to call the samaritans who helped me. If I tell my wife it will kill her, she did not do well when our relationship was struggling last year and I am terrified what will happen to her.Someone please help me, I really need to see a way through this as I don't want to go on

[Seraphim]

If you both want children have you considered adoption?

[RainyCoast]

have you been tested for STIs and has she recovered from/sought help for her depression re inability to bear children?

 

your corrosive guilt aside, how is the relationship currently?

[David hood]

Thank you both for your replies, you have no idea how glad I am to not be alone.we have started the adoption process and it is something we both truly want, and our relationship is good at the moment; we always tell each other we love each other, hold hands but I can't get over what I've done it feels like a different person was in control of me. Yes my wife had counselling and has done well since

[David hood]

And yes I've been tested and I'm clear of all infection I always used protection

[shessofly]

Have you spoken to your counselor for advice about alleviating your guilt?

[Capricorn3]

I started to visit prostitutes

Speaking for myself only, I would want to know this very very important piece of information so that I can make my own decision if I wanted to stay or leave. I think she deserves the truth, but that's just me. The thought of her being "blissfully unaware" makes me cringe.

 

I was going to suggest counseling, but then I see you already are seeing a counselor. Hopefully, you'll continue seeing him/her.

[David hood]

I have shessofly, he treated me before for my depression and anxiety and knows my history. We've done some cbt, he's told me to focus on the fact I'm a good person who made bad choices, and that the reason I've not told my wife is because I don't want to hurt her and that I believe in our future.

Thank you for responding

[David hood]

Thank you Capricorn3, I will keep going to counselling. My heart's broken for what I've done and hopefully they can help

[David hood]

Please does anyone have any more advice for me

[shessofly]

I dunno - it seems to me the only way to alleviate your guilt (sort of) is to confess, but you are well aware of all the (possible) consequences that will follow. Then, if she is willing perhaps you can attend couples counseling. Maybe it's time to see a different counselor or try a minister. Do you belong to a church? Is there anyone else in your life you feel you can talk to, who may offer sound advice? There is a website survivinginfidelity, I believe it's called, that may be helpful in your situation. I'm sorry I don't have helpful advice for you but I do hope you find your way. In my opinion there are some things that won't go away without confession. I know some here disagree with that, hopefully they'll chime in since that seems to be your goal. I hope you find some relief (that does not include harming yourself).

[janedough]

Please does anyone have any more advice for me

 

Are you still checking in? I have some thoughts.