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Got involved with a co-worker without knowing he was married, fell for him, found out he was married etc.. and continued.. (I know its wrong)


Dilemma now is that I have a great opportunity through work to go and work in New York for a year (Im in UK). 4 people were chosen from 20, and its a fantastic opportunity. However, i now know that he is another one of the 4. The board of the company chose who goes etc, so there has been no fiddling a way to get a place. When we found out about each other's place, i wasnt sure about it. His response was "good news" "another reason for me to go". He seemed fine with it and didnt seem concerned. He went to a conference a couple of weeks ago and we had some text banter in the evening, about NY etc. Then next morning he asked how my previous nights xmas party went, i replied, and then didnt hear anything from him.

He was due in the office the following week for 2 days (1 night) and we usually see each other, i asked if we would see each other. He didnt reply, so i booked a room for myself so that when i went out that evening with work colleages for another xmas meal (he was attending too) i could have a drink and have my own room so i didnt have to drive home. So I then get a text saying "I like seeing you but i dont like people at work talking about us, and its even more so now that some people we both have a place in NY to go to work. I'd prefer to leave it and see what happens in new york"

Fair enough, i understand that we both want to be known for our hard work, and its really busy for us both (and stressful) with all the details re NY and it being christmas time etc. So i went to the meal (having told him that i wasnt sure whether i should be talking to him at the meal etc - he said yes we should be talking to each other at the meal).


We ended up sat beside each other and he did talk to me, as he did with others. Subject got onto NY and he was happy to talk about it with others, then he joked about my driving and it was obvious to those there that we were close. I asked who was talking about us and he said a couple of peoples names (theyve always known due to him not being discreet on works nights out) and then he mentioned another guy who lives in the country he comes from. (I think this is what has made him back off as its a bit too close to home).


I had texted him back and said "to be honest it feels like you dont want to see me again but are covering it with this"people are talking" thing. Is that the case" he immediately wrote back "it is not the case. i am not in the mood at the moment, people talking annoys me. I am tired, i dont want tos ee anybody, i am grumpy and i dont like to be like this. It is not against you, it is me in a bad shape".


ANyway, we all left the meal and went back to hotel. He went to his room, said night to people but blanked me (or maybe i turned away and blanked him first i think) then a workmate asked me what that was all about. and i got upset. My work mate suggested i go talk to him to sort things out as to what was going on. I texted and said i wanted to talk, it would only take 5 mins. so.. ended up in his room, i talked he listened, he talked a bit. He asked if i wanted to stay as i had had a few drinks and couldnt drive. i said i had my own room in the hotel. He looked a bit surprised at that. He asked 3 times if i wanted to stay. I asked him if he wanted me to stay. i ended up staying. we just got into bed, ended up hugging in each others arms. then he mucked about a bit (we didnt have sex) and he fell asleep hugging me. Next morning i got up while he was in the shower,and was ready to go back to my room. I said i was going, we had a peck on the lips (thats usual) and i went to go, he ran after me with some hotel cookies asking if i wanted them. then asked my room number so he could put it on expenses so i didnt have to pay it.

I then saw him at work where he came over and asked a silly question about work related matters that just sounded like he had made it up to come over. Then he left for his flight and i was at a table discussing something with my boss. He said goodbye to my boss, then turned and said bye to me but lingered that split second too long, and my boss saw it i think. Since then I spoke to my life coach about it and he suggested i send an email (not bossy and angry etc) but one more out of kindness to see where the land lays now. I have had no reply, and heard nothing at all.


My dilemma is, how am i going to go to NY as one of 4 when he is another one of the 4? How do i deal with it? Its a real stressful time at the moment as I have probably about 5 weeks to get everything packed (have to give up an apartment, put everything in storage etc) and I have a 2.5 week round the world holiday in February before I go, so not much time to do everything, and this is causing me more stress.

Help. What would you do? I dont know where i stand with him, dont know what it will turn out like in NY, should i not go? If i dont go i will always regret not taking that once in a lifetime opportunity.


Sorry for the long post!

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Got involved with a co-worker without knowing he was married, fell for him, found out he was married etc.. and continued.. (I know its wrong)


If i dont go i will always regret not taking that once in a lifetime opportunity.



You have answered your own question regarding going. You should go. However, only if you can stay away from him. Unless you don't care about your work credibility and you are ok with hurting your professional career over a lying cheater who will abandon you at the end...You know it's wrong yet you continue. That makes you as bad as him. You are no longer a victim. You stopped being a victim the moment you learned he was married. Now you have crossed to the perpetrators' side. You have a choice to stop the affair. If you don't, your credibility WILL suffer. People (that includes your boss, colleagues etc) distrust people of loose integrity and rightfully so.

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Not one word about his poor wife huh? What exactly do you think this relationship will become? You'll get married and he won't be a cheater anymore?? And did you happen to tell the "life coach" that this guy is married? And they never said hey this is wrong walk away? Yeah right.


Do you have any empathy for his wife?? And don't come back here saying she's terrible blah blah blah. That is just some garbage he feeds you to stay in this unethical relationship. Get your life together. Find a man who is actually available. Why are you wasting all this thought and energy on a guy who has proven himself to be a scumbag? Focus on work and stop sleeping with a married man.

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He is cheating on his wife, therefore a high probability that if you end up with him, he will eventually bore of you too and cheat on you as well.

You have no where to go with this, there is not going to be a happy ending. And worse case scenario your colleagues and boss finds out and you lose their respect and even possibly termination.

This man is not worth the risk. He is someone else's husband, he is a cheater and he doesn't seem to care who he hurts.

At this point, what is confusing you? Stay away from married men. If you do go to NY go there to do your job and have some self control and stay away form him. Find a man of your own who is single and free, it's not too difficult.

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