How do I deal with my currently shaky relationship becoming long-distance?

[chattychica]

This is kind of a two-parter.

Some background: I've been dating a guy for 4 months; we've been friends for 2 years. For 4 months, we've spent almost every other day with each other and besides a few issues, I feel that he's perfect for me. He's had only one other deep relationship years ago. He was pretty wild with females for a period after that, but he has since calmed down. He's had short almost-relationships before me, but they were not this serious and they all started with females who were just friends for a while (including me) and are still his friends now. I believe he is very honest but not very open with his emotions. We are both 21 and attend the same college.

 

1. The conflicts: He has done things that I find worrisome (a close female friend of his spending the night with him in his bed, female(s) at his place at 2 AM and 4 AM, female friend who likes him and treats me like dirt when he's not around who he ignores me for and doesn't invite me over when she's around anymore, a female roommate who likes to grab his member when they playfight, same female roommate likes to prance around him in her underwear sometimes).

 

Therefore, I have some trust issues. I trust him to not directly cheat, but he puts himself in these scandalous-type situations that make me uncomfortable. Even though he says he will stop, I don't trust him to stop because a lot of it he said he wouldn't do to begin with. It isn't a matter of our disagreeing on what is/isn't appropriate (because he has gotten mad when he thought I was doing those sorts of things); he says he just doesn't think about these things being a problem because he's used to doing them - double standard or something. He's also gotten complacent (in his words). He has stopped talking to me all day like he used to even though he has more free time now. Though I know he loves me, this makes me feel less liked. Maybe this is a personality problem, but since it's a change in his communication level versus the way it always has been, I worry that he's out of the excitement/honeymoon phase extra early.

 

Do you think these should even be a problem for me? Am I overreacting? Do you see them in a different, more positive light? Some of his friends have told him that he is wrong. All of my friends say he is wrong. Is there something else I/we can do to fix it?

 

2. Plot twist - he is moving across the country in a month for financial reasons. He plans to return in 6 months, though I fear he may not return because he likes it there.

Given our shaky, tumultuous start, this scares me. We haven't had time to see if he's going to make these changes or see if I'll get accustomed to some of the other things in our situation. I also fear this distance will make one or both of us less excited about the other and things be weird/dead when he returns.

 

How do I deal with the long-distance aspect being added? What can I do to keep us "fresh" while we're long distance (besides try to travel to where he is, which I may not be able to do)?

How do you feel about long-distance relationships? Do you think we stand a chance, considering his quick complacency and these yet-to-be-solved problems?

 

Sorry for the length. Thank you for your help in advance!

[SooSad33]

Crazy... and immature. he is 21.. still living it up.

 

he says he 'will stop'? But, he hasn't! And I wouldnt even consider anything with him.. unless he SHOWS he has changed and is settling down.

he obviously enjoys his time with other women.

 

*8things like slowing down with communication-- because the honeymoon phase is easing off.

 

No.. I wouldnt exactly say he 'loves you'... or these OTHER women would not be around him like they are.

He WOULD stop all that.

 

You need to remember.. some guys at this age are still living it up.. and i dont think he' is as into it with you, as you'd like.

 

As for him moving.... I cant see things are strong in HIS eyes.. re: a solid, satisfying relationship.

You two have hardly had time to build yet. There's really nothing there yet.. and now he's leaving.

 

I suggest you just back out-- totally. Accept this isn't going to work and work on accepting & healing.

 

I honestly cant see him being in your future for the long haul anyways.. with his actions/attitude.

 

Maybe he'll grow up a bit in 5 yrs.. who knows? But... not right now.

[chattychica]

Thank you for your reply.

 

If it makes any difference, he has slowed down a lot once we got serious. He used to have lots of people at his house all the time, and there are a few exes and random females that he used to spend a lot of time with, but he slowed down a lot with that too. He used to drink and party every weekend, but that slowed down too.

What you say makes too much sense, though. Maybe I've just been in doubt.

 

These worrisome actions aren't repetitive, though. It's just something new every week that I feel shouldn't happen. And I felt like I couldn't expect him to decrease the time spent with these females because he considers them his friends, and I know nothing directly sexual is going on.

 

Would this month we have left show enough to make any difference? For instance, if he were to slow down more with the female friends and change these actions and pick back up with communication and just generally show that he's a little more serious? This is all hypothetical of course. Should I even wait around this month to see?

[SooSad33]

Sounds like too much is uncertain.

Things are changing big time in a month, so why wait? Why have this linger on for longer than it has to?

 

Things might not seem 'as bad' right now.. but things still aren't changed- for good.

 

Like I said, he's young.. and stillliving it up.. right? Then, I dont feel he's for you. Guys usually take longer to 'grow up' than women do.

 

Im sure you would like to find someone more compatible in your life who is NOT like this... looking for women to part with etc.

Gawd.. Im so glad my brothers and my kids weren't like this. Sadly, some men my age still are... i think those are the ones to avoid!

 

Watch for red flags.. and not go get your heart hurt in the process.. pain.. is no good.

[chattychica]

You're right. And I'm glad you and your brothers and children are some of the few who were what I like to call wholesome lol!

 

Maybe the biggest red flag should be that he still hasn't put a title on us yet! Even more reason to keep living it up while I'm holding down the fort.

Haha, maybe I'm naive -.-

You make so much since.