BF doesn't want to move in... should I cut my losses?

[cbzfmoc]

My boyfriend (age twenty eight) and I (age 26) have been dating for a year and 3 months. We are happy and spend a lot of time together - I usually sleep 5 nights a week at his place. I recently brought up the idea of moving in together. We live in a big city and I am soon starting medical residency and it is time for me to decide where to do that - whether to stay in a program in the east coast city we live in now, or to move back home to the west coast. I want to stay together with my boyfriend, but I know he doesn't want to move - all of my family however lives on the west coast and I definitely wish I could be closer to them.

 

Since my boyfriend and I get along well and are happy, I figured that it made sense for us to make the next step and move in together in summer 2017. To me this made sense for a number of reasons - I love him and I want our relationship to continue to progress, financially it makes sense to me because medical residents make little $$ and we live in a very expensive city and it will be tight for me to make ends meet while I am in training if I live by myself, and because I will be working a lot and that would make it easier for us to see each other that way.

 

I brought this up with my boyfriend yesterday, and I was very disappointed to learn that he is not ready to move in. He says that he does not want to move in with someone until he knows he wants to marry them. He says that he "is as serious about me as I am" but timing-wise and the place we are in our relationship is not right. I asked him when he thought he would want to think about moving in and he said he doesn't know.

 

Now the problem is knowing this I don't really know what to do. Once I match to a residency program I am committed to stay in that city for 4 years until I finish my training. I want to be with my boyfriend, but it is also hard being so far from my family. I am worried that if I stay here that I will just be waiting for him to be "ready" to move in with me, and if this doesn't happen - if our relationship doesn't progress - I feel like I will regret not moving back to the west coast.

 

The other issue is that currently I stay over at his place 95% of the time. This is because I know he prefers us being at his place as he doesn't like mine as much. Because he has a busier schedule than me right now and because I want to make him happy, this arrangement has been working for us. However once I start my residency there is no way I will be able to continue this, and I am worried that he won't come to my place very often as I do for him now, though he says that he will try to come to my place more (as psychology dictates... past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior).

 

I want to be with him and see a future with him, but I am bogged down by fears that his current inability to commit to me does not bode well for the future of our relationship. I feel like I'm at a crossroads and I don't know what to do.

[Scoe141]

This sounds like a difficult situation... sorry you have to go through it. At the end of the day, if two people want to be together, no job nor geographical location will tell them otherwise.

 

That being said, if he isn't ready to move in, then as a girlfriend you should respect that. (Which it sounds like you do.) Unfortunately, you are at a crossroads and given the current situation may preclude you from respecting it the way you would in other circumstances.

 

I feel at this point only your mind can tell you what the best course of action to take is. Your heart can often be deceptive.

 

Here's some things you need to ask yourself:

 

1. Which school will provide you the best opportunity?

2. Would your boyfriend be willing to move out to the west coast?

3. What's your 5 year plan? What is your boyfriends?

4. What's the most important thing in your life at the moment? What do you think will be in 5 years?

 

Have you bounced these ideas off family/friends? (Although I'm sure family would love to see back home.)

 

I know this is cliche, but this is all going to work out.

 

Good luck.

 

PS.

 

As for your title, only you would be able to tell yourself if you should cut your losses. If by him not moving in is a dealbreaker for you, then yea it won't work out. However, if you can deal with it, and nothing else is wrong then no, it wouldn't make sense for you to break up.

[Scoe141]

Also, have you guys dealt with some of the issues from the past? i.e. his ex and any other insecurities. (I briefly read some of your earlier posts.)

[cbzfmoc]

Yes, I would say that is basically a non-issue now.

[Scoe141]

Yes, I would say that is basically a non-issue now.

 

OK good to hear. Just wanting to make sure there wasn't anything else on the table could help sway the decision.

[browser]

2 options.

 

1- Accept the strong message that he's sending- and cut the cord before you waste any more time and invest any more emotional energy into this thing.

2- Wait and see how it plays out after the schedule changes.

 

I'm not one to suggest major life changes based on knowing about them only by a few paragraphs of text on an obscure internet discussion board but if you were to force me to make a choice I'd kick him to the curb. At which time he'll probably beg for another chance and agree to move in but I don't think I'd give in at that point.

[j.man]

I moved in with my girlfriend two years in, and to be honest that was even a bit soon for me.

 

In your shoes, I might just take it one step at a time and cross the bridge when you get there. It's not like if you dump him, you're going to find a guy in the next six months to make the move with you instead.

[Applewhite]

Why doesn't he like where you live and stay over? I hate the idea that you are the only one making any compromises here. Relationships should be give and take. It almost seems like he is only in this as long as it is convenient for him. Granted I am only going by the little bit that you wrote. Do you think this is true?

 

It depends on the ages of the parties too but after 1 year+ if there is no development in the relationship and if you are the only one making sacrifices I would move on and do what is best for me.

[journeynow]

I figured that it made sense for us to make the next step

 

It seems to me this move would be more than a step, since it not only involves a change in his living situation but also a change in your financial situation. It's right for him to know if he is ready for that kind of commitment. A little over 1 year together it isn't unreasonable for him not to be ready. And it is not unreasonable for you to be ready, especially if the shoe was on the other foot. (If you knew he'd be more financially dependent on you for the next 4 years and would be living in your apartment.)

 

In deciding where to do a residency, what are your criteria? Is living low cost or rent-free part of what you need to make it happen? What is your goal for your residency? Long term, what do you want for your career? Maybe that is where you want your focus for now, and make your location choice based on that?

[itsallgrand]

What did he suggest then for a possible solution?

 

Does it have to be move in together or dump?

[cbzfmoc]

He suggests that I get my own apartment, and that he will try to sleep over at my place 2-3 days of the week, and he will try to treat me to more meals since I will have little money. He will be making 3x my physician resident salary so for him the money is not an issue at all.

[j.man]

Sounds fair to me.

[Snny]

Apples hit the nail on the head- he's not making ANY compromises from his end and you are doing all of it. What's giving him the incentive of marrying you if you keep coming over to his place?

 

The distance and having less time to spend together maybe a bless in disguise to make your relationship stronger and appreciate each other more.

 

In all seriousness, does he really expect you to get your own apartment and have no roommates when you can't afford it? And if he doesn't feel committed enough to move in with you, DO NOT trust his word on him giving you money. Never trust or depend on a boyfriend to give you handouts. What if you two split, he financially cuts you, and you suddenly can't afford to live in/around the city when you are right in the middle of your residential program?

 

If you can afford to stay in the big city on your own, then continue the relationship and work. Living in a big city gives you more options and access to find men within your interest. If you can't afford to stay, then move back with family and do the residential program on the west coast. Your bills and education come first right now. His answer is not grounds for dumping- most guys don't have their minds made up about marriage after a year of dating.

[Ms Darcy]

He suggests that I get my own apartment, and that he will try to sleep over at my place 2-3 days of the week, and he will try to treat me to more meals since I will have little money. He will be making 3x my physician resident salary so for him the money is not an issue at all.

 

I think this is great.

 

Personally, I am like your boyfriend. To me, moving in is not about convenience or inching towards marriage. It is a major decision. And I too refused to live with my husband until we were engaged.

 

I think it's best to make your decision about the residency based on what makes the best sense for your career and family versus where he wants to be. In other words, if you two broke up, where would you go?

[Silverbirch]

I know I am going to sound cold to you and most people, but I think you should move back to your family and complete your studies there because your family and your career are more important than a relationship with uncertainty. Not too far away, there will be SO many eligible men who will want to snap you up - I think you would be selling yourself short to stay there just for him.

[Saures]

I moved in with my boyfriend not because 'it was the right time' but because I needed to, I lived with my parents in a town which is referred to as 'Gods Waiting Room', there are no jobs. I had to move in with him as the town he lives in has a lot more job opportunities, I needed to get off my backside having been unemployed for almost 6 months after studying. Luckily, he was very supportive and was fine with me moving in.

 

Do I regret moving in with him even though neither of us were ready? Yes and no.

 

I now have the fear that if for whatever reason we were to break up, I'd lose my job, I'd have to give up learning to drive, my part time degree and also my independence, I would have to move back in with my parents and restart the whole joblessness again! This also in the back of my mind, not that I venture there often, makes me think 'If I want to get out of this relationship, it is going to cost me my livelihood, my independence and a job that I love' and I hate thinking that, but it is true because it was always, always in my mind when we moved in because neither of us were fully ready for that type of commitment but it was something that had to be done.

 

It also really tested us, it was great at first because you get a sense of independence but it really, really pushes you to your limits and it is the small things. My partner is very tidy and neat to the point where NOTHING can be left out on the kitchen counter, not even your keys, so has a habit of putting ALL of my stuff in draws, cupboards, places I didn't even know existed in our house so I spend 50% of my time searching for things and he has forgotten where he has put it. Or another example, dog food, he always puts the dog food in the fridge, it doesn't need to go in the fridge (it says so on the tin) but he constantly does it, every day, even when I put it in our dog's cupboard, he will purposely look for it and take it out and put it in the fridge, so the next day, I open up a brand new tin! We don't argue, but we bicker a lot because we had very different upbringings, and as every household, things are done differently and it can be very difficult to find that compromise. I really underestimated how many times a couple can argue about dog food...

 

4 years is a long time, what if your relationship doesn't work out? You won't have the financial support and being treated to more meals to help you out with your lack of funds. At least at home, if you were to hit a financial struggle for whatever reason, or were unable to afford accommodation or food, you have your family and I've always been taught that you can rely only on your family in your time of need. Why would he assist you financially and take you out to more meals and not move in with you when he could just... Save money and move in with you? It doesn't make sense to me, but then again, if he isn't ready but does want to continue the relationship, then it might actually be a fair compromise, but I wouldn't suggest depending on it, make sure that if the relationship fails, you can still afford to comfortably live in the city.