What if I REALLY like him yet wanna end things with him?

[Sarah1231]

I really like this man. I really like spending time with him. I laugh and have a very beautiful time and i get generally charmed by his presence. However, I get turned off when I remember his appearance and how I still haven't felt that *thing* that am waiting to feel for someone whom I wanna have a long term relationship with.

 

He is a bit overweight (not much but yeah), I'm an athletic person and call me superficial these stuff kinda matter to me. Am not sure if that's quite a reason to end things with someone. I had a crush on him for a long time before he asked me out. When we started dating I really liked him but I didn't feel that *thing* that i really wanted to feel. Yes I did notice his overweight before i started dating him, but I think the fact that I didn't feel what i wanna feel made me focus more and more on his weight.

 

He is smart, funny and actually quite handsome, I kinda find myself fluctuating. One day I like him and want to continue seeing him, the other day I don't feel like he is the one and so on and so forth.

 

I believe I have to end this but man it's so hard !! I like him and we had like 4 dates and i had so much fun in all of them. Bet it would even sound really weird if i ended things up with him. Even posting here about this and asking strangers about such thing make me realize how unsure I am and how I should end this sooner than later.

 

Why is it really hard? I kinda want to see him again, yet I feel like this ain't gonna go anywhere. I know I sound really weird but yeah that's the thing and I don't know what to do.

 

I have never been in this situation before, usually I have a clear idea about the person I date, it's either a yes or a no. And it has never been a yes. Yet, this time it isn't a complete no. What if that thing i wanna feel doesn't even exist? What if this is a fairytale thing? What if successful long term relationships are more about having someone you can have fun and be friends with than someone you fall madly in love and feel that thing with?.

 

I truly am confused this time.

[aloneindian]

I have never been in this situation before, usually I have a clear idea about the person I date, it's either a yes or a no. And it has never been a yes. Yet, this time it isn't a complete no. What if that thing i wanna feel doesn't even exist? What if this is a fairytale thing? What if successful long term relationships are more about having someone you can have fun and be friends with than someone you fall madly in love and feel that thing with?.

 

I truly am confused this time.

 

If you are unsure please breakup with him now. I was on the recieving end of such a relationship after dating 9 months and when we broke up I asked the guy this question that why didnt you breakup with me after 1st date. Just beacuse you are confused doesnt give you power to play with somebody's emotions. Do not accumulate negative karma and be brave and break up.

[MissCanuck]

So he's a nice guy and good on paper, but you're not overly attracted to him.

 

I think you're over-complicating it because you feel a little guilty for not being as into him as you'd have hoped. It sounds like he's a good guy, but not the one for you.

[j.man]

"Break up?" You've been on four dates. You're still in "Sorry, just not feeling the chemistry" territory.

[Sportster2005]

I really like this man. I really like spending time with him. I laugh and have a very beautiful time and i get generally charmed by his presence. However, I get turned off when I remember his appearance and how I still haven't felt that *thing* that am waiting to feel for someone whom I wanna have a long term relationship with.

 

He is a bit overweight (not much but yeah), I'm an athletic person and call me superficial these stuff kinda matter to me. Am not sure if that's quite a reason to end things with someone. I had a crush on him for a long time before he asked me out. When we started dating I really liked him but I didn't feel that *thing* that i really wanted to feel. Yes I did notice his overweight before i started dating him, but I think the fact that I didn't feel what i wanna feel made me focus more and more on his weight.

 

He is smart, funny and actually quite handsome, I kinda find myself fluctuating. One day I like him and want to continue seeing him, the other day I don't feel like he is the one and so on and so forth.

 

I believe I have to end this but man it's so hard !! I like him and we had like 4 dates and i had so much fun in all of them. Bet it would even sound really weird if i ended things up with him. Even posting here about this and asking strangers about such thing make me realize how unsure I am and how I should end this sooner than later.

 

Why is it really hard? I kinda want to see him again, yet I feel like this ain't gonna go anywhere. I know I sound really weird but yeah that's the thing and I don't know what to do.

 

I have never been in this situation before, usually I have a clear idea about the person I date, it's either a yes or a no. And it has never been a yes. Yet, this time it isn't a complete no. What if that thing i wanna feel doesn't even exist? What if this is a fairytale thing? What if successful long term relationships are more about having someone you can have fun and be friends with than someone you fall madly in love and feel that thing with?.

 

I truly am confused this time.

 

If you're confused and unsure, cut him lose. Allow him to find someone who appreciates ALL of him. And you need to find someone you truly want. Nothing wrong with that. If he doesn't want to remain friends, respect that, and be considerate of his feelings, and don't contact him afterwards. If he loses weight down the road maybe you'll feel different. Until then do the kind and considerate thing. Don't string people along when you have doubts.

 

And no, it I don't think it's superficial. Most people like their peers health and body wise.

 

A woman dumped me this summer. I never knew the real reason. I generally don't care. I find it interesting her profile now states she's looking for an athletic and toned guy and doesn't like a belly. Even though I run marathons I was carrying a belly this summer. About 20 more pounds than I like to. I can't help but wonder if that was part of the reason. And if she did, I wouldn't be offended, or think she's shallow. She was like a steel cable. Not an ounce of fat. Why wouldn't she want a similarly hot body laying in bed next to her??

 

Good luck in your search. If you're this torn, it's over before it even gets started. Frustrating, but it's the correct course of action to take IMHO.

[Applewhite]

I can't continue seeing someone unless I am extremely attracted to them - life is too short for anything less than that. I can stare at my guy for hours and each time I look back I think he just looks so amazing. You need to find someone that makes you feel that way.

[katrina1980]

I dunno, I know I am a weirdo on here, but my bf has a bit of a belly, and I honestly don't give a **** I still find him incredibly hot and SEXY!

 

Why? Because of *our* chemistry/energy and connection. Emotional, mental, physical, sexual.

 

As for me, I run, do yoga and Pilates, no belly, very little body fat.

 

My ex was in perfect shape, and *that* did not affect my *feelings* for him either.

 

In fact at one point he gained 50 pounds and I was still as *attracted to* him as ever. He still looked awesome *to me.*

 

I guess I have always believed that when one meets that person with whom they share a special energy and connection, they *see* them differently, on a deeper level, than just how big their belly is or other superficial qualities.

 

That is not to say they are not attracted, they are, but it comes from a deeper place, not just the superficial.

 

Sportster, you are very good looking, and even with your belly, no doubt you were still n great shape!

 

Just me, but the fact she has on her profile "no belly" does indicate a certain shallowness imho.

 

If I were a man, and I saw that on a profile, big next, I would take a pass. Even if I had no belly, and in the best shape of my life!

 

Again, my thinking is a bit out of the *norm* though, so feel free to take my opinion with a grain of salt.

[katrina1980]

OP, I find it interesting that you had a big *crush* on him (attracted to him) for a long time, while he was overweight, but as soon as you started dating him, you were no longer attracted because he is overweight.

 

JMO, but I think the reason you are not attracted goes deeper than him being overweight.

 

You got to know him, and while you still think he is a great guy, etc, you are just not "feeling it" due to lack of genuine chemistry and energy between you.

 

My advice would be to end it and find a guy with whom you do share that mutual chemistry/energy, which goes way beyond the superficial. Imho.

[Wolfshook]

My advice would be to go on another date with him,you've only been on 4 and your opinion is still forming. And then act based on how you feel after you part ways.

[missmarple]

If you REALLY liked him, you wouldn't even notice he's overweight. End it.

[Batya33]

I think we're visual people and notice flaws -depends if it's notice or focus. I think you give it one-two more dates and if you're not excited to see him/be around him (not just sexually/physically) then end it because if you're this ambivalent at least cut him loose for now - if you feel differently in the future and you cut him loose in a thoughtful/compassionate way, if he's single/available he might give you another chance in the future. i agree with Katrina that you're noticing the belly because you're just not that into him in general. And figure out your standard - do you need to feel "wow he looks so amazing!!" all the time to feel sure about someone? (I sure don't and I expect my husband doesn't either - but that's because although I'm very fit/slim I just don't feel attractive because I'm typically tired/overworked and barely have time to make sure my socks match).

 

For me personally it's far more about how you feel when you look into his eyes and just in general whether you like/love being around him - not about specific physical features. I wish my husband would lose some weight -but 99% of the reason is health and then 1% is sure, he'd look better losing some of the belly fat so why not.

[katrina1980]

Batya wrote

 

"It's more how you feel when you look into his eyes."

 

AND

 

How you feel when he kisses you!

 

If you don't feel much when he kisses you, end it.

[Jibralta]

I have never been in this situation before, usually I have a clear idea about the person I date, it's either a yes or a no. And it has never been a yes. Yet, this time it isn't a complete no. What if that thing i wanna feel doesn't even exist? What if this is a fairytale thing? What if successful long term relationships are more about having someone you can have fun and be friends with than someone you fall madly in love and feel that thing with?.

 

I truly am confused this time.

 

Can you describe what you are expecting to feel?

 

When I was young, my feelings fluctuated similarly to yours. A lot of No, No, No, and then one day, a Maybe. All of a sudden there were these other considerations and possibilities before me. It freaked me out. And as a result, I got a little freaked out by the person I was with. It was quite uncomfortable. And it happened over and over again with each new Maybe. It even happened with the Yesses! After a while, I came to expect it. I learned that it was just a temporary thing that I could power through. A few times, I fell deeply in love. Not always, though. In either case, the anxiety went away.

 

It doesn't happen to me anymore. I think I've lost most of my fear of commitment.

[katrina1980]

Can you describe what you are expecting to feel?

 

When I was young, my feelings fluctuated similarly to yours. A lot of No, No, No, and then one day, a Maybe. All of a sudden there were these other considerations and possibilities before me. It freaked me out. And as a result, I got a little freaked out by the person I was with. It was quite uncomfortable. And it happened over and over again with each new Maybe. It even happened with the Yesses! After a while, I came to expect it. I learned that it was just a temporary thing that I could power through. A few times, I fell deeply in love. Not always, though. In either case, the anxiety went away.

 

It doesn't happen to me anymore. I think I've lost most of my fear of commitment.

 

Ahhh....fear of commitment. BTDT!

 

I used to say to my dad "I don't find him *challenging* enough, it's too easy." And I would next him.

 

My dad responds "You need to look at it differently. Why not, instead of finding fault and running off, consider it a *challenge* to stand still with a guy for awhile!. And focus on the positive. Biggest challenge you will ever experience. You may discover you actually like it!"

 

HE WAS right!!

 

Although, I am bit more evolved now, more in touch with my feelings and what motivates me, and if there's just no chemistry/energy, won't matter how long I *stand still* with a guy, if it's not happening, I walk away.

[Jibralta]

My dad responds "You need to look at it differently. Why not, instead of finding fault and running off, consider it a *challenge* to stand still with a guy for awhile!. Biggest challenge you will ever experience. You may discover you actually like it!"

 

Sage advice!

[j.man]

If you have to make this post after 4 dates, I don't think it needs to be complicated any further. Find someone who you don't need to write on a forum post to be convinced to stick with after several dates.

[SherrySher]

Agree with J.man. If you are typing this out for a whole bunch of people to read and give advice on, cut the man loose.

What you are going to do is sit there and try to convince yourself that you do like him and that the weight doesn't matter, but it obviously does and it bothers you a great deal otherwise you wouldn't be asking us. You can't force yourself to be physically attracted to someone, you either are, or you aren't.

 

This isn't a relationship right now, so you're not breaking up, this is too early for it to be a break up. It would be in your better judgement to let him know that although you do like him as a person and as a friend, you're not feeling it for romance or anything more.

Don't string him along and make him believe it's going somewhere, the sooner you end it the less complicated it will be.

[Fudgie]

My boyfriend is obese and is trying to work on it. (he's actually been doing really well lately, even through the holidays! weird) When I got with him, he was telling me that he was intending to change his weight. He's active but his eating is crap. I gave myself a personal deadline (it's a long ways off) and I also told him that I would not consider further commitment unless he slimmed down because I am concerned about health. I used to be BIGGER than him and I know how bad it is for you.

 

So yeah, I have a deadline and I know deep down that I will have to break it off in the future unless he changes (as I have in the past) but unlike you, OP, I am still very attracted to him and I do not feel ambivalence about being with him. He is the smartest man I know and he is truly a good person, very fun, great conversationalist, and we have tons of mutual interests and have so much fun together.

 

To me, it is the lack of attraction that you feel with him. Not a good sign. If you had been married for a while to him and he had put on weight and you felt this way, I'd tell you to talk to him about in a kind way and see if you can help him, because at that point, you'd be committed to him. But you're not now - it's been 4 dates! If you're not feeling attracted THIS early on, heck, even at 6 months, it's time to move on.