Got told I'm "quirky and different" but wasn't prepared for why!

[Batya33]

I've been seeing a guy for 2 months and the other day he told me I was "quirky and different" (but he likes it). I didn't know what that meant, so I asked him in a message and he said it would be better if he explained in person. He said it's because I'm "not fashionable, I don't follow trends by buying what's in fashion like most people do and I'm not like a WAG (wives and girlfriends) because I don't have fake nails etc". On a previous day he also asked me where I keep "all" my make-up and jewellery and seemed amazed when I said it's just in a small bag. I know he probably didn't mean anything bad with these comments, but they've left me feeling like I'm not very feminine or "good enough," and that his ex-girlfriends must have been really beauty-obsessed, glamorous types for him to have said things like that. We are both in our 40s, so I didn't think I needed to be keeping up with trends and I know I shouldn't change who I am, but these comments have unsettled me. I said his comments had upset me a bit but he just laughed. He also jokes about taking me to a greasy spoon for my birthday or buying me something from the pound shop. Again, I'm sure they're just jokes but they make me feel like I'm a bit second rate and don't deserve anything decent. Should I just get a grip and laugh it all off or would you feel a little unnerved too?

 

In my late 20s I dated a handsome guy who was charming on the first date and before the second or third date he said his mother (who I never met) had offered to take me for a makeover -he wanted me to wear more makeup. (I was very slim and looked young for my age, and did dress fashionably). I was appalled and he didn't understand why I was offended. Our next (and last) date was on Halloween and I should have worn full halloween makeup but I didn't have the guts. I later saw that he married a woman in the fashion industry who wore a lot of makeup. Sure, he is entitled to his standards but what a jerk. And yes I did wear makeup but not a lot and on our date I likely was pale from getting over a cold.

[ParisPaulette]

Ah, the backhanded compliment. "You don't sweat much for a fat girl." "Gee, you're kinda pretty when you don't wear your glasses." (These are "compliments jerks have given me over the years - true story.) Um, yeah it's time to end things with this guy and walk away. Truthfully if you've just been on a few dates I wouldn't even get into it, because he will play the wounded "But you misunderstand me, I'm just joking, you are so uptight/defensive/dense." Then out comes the psychoanalysis for WHY you are that way and you end up feeling guilty and caving and seeing them and so on and so on.

 

I'm sorry, everyone is on their best behavior when they first get to know you. So this is his "best" behavior and you want to walk away now before it gets worse and he drops the veiled insults behind "compliments" and just goes straight to "Could you not wear THAT dress again, it just doesn't do you any favors" speech soon followed by out and out insults and emotional abuse.

 

There is a pattern to people who do this. It's not negging, it's not him just being "bad with people." He's already digging at you to knock your self-esteem down, he found it funny when you told him his comments hurt, there's your biggest clue. Aren't you a little mortified and quick to apologize and ease someone's hurt when you've said something that maybe hurt their feelings or you realize they took it with negative connatations? Yeah, that's the way most of us who have empathy and don't need to tear others down to build ourselves up and control other people - because it is a control mechanism - and one I saw a lot of abusers use. (I used to work in a women's shelter.)

 

Honey, you do not want to go down that road so just dump this guy right now by text. Things are not working out, best of luck to you, then block and delete him and don't respond when he calls bawling or screaming or anything. Because he thinks he can dig at you and manipulate you already, and these types don't necessarily give that up right away.

 

BTW it's more unusual to have a giant bag of cosmetics one totes everywhere. And I'm more than willing to bet he's shafted other women who were wearing makeup and/or had beauty products in their bags with comments like, "Gosh, why do you need so much makeup. Are you hiding something under there?" And then out would come the snide jokes about how he can't afford to take someone so "fancy" to the best restaurant in town, so she'll just have to pretend it's the Ritz as he takes her to some crappy dive bar.

 

In short, it's not you. This guy is showing serious red flags, you need to learn to pay attention to your gut. And if you're good enough to date then you're either good enough period, or he can go find someone who wears a ton of makeup. Only I don't he'd treat that girl any better. She'd run home, take off her makeup and then feel like there was something wrong with her for doing so.

 

In short, this guy is just the type to suck the air out of the room no matter what anyone does or doesn't, because it's about him digging at people to get control over them and make them feel bad about themselves. Dump the passive-aggressive/backhanded "compliment" or veiled insult people at once. They act like slow-drip poison and right now you should be looking forward to the New Year, not wondering if something is wrong with you.

 

And he did that, not you. So dump him. You don't need it. Ring in the New Year without that loser.

 

P.S. I don't hold with the theory he's trying to nudge you to be more what he wants. If he doesn't want you the way you are then why in the hell has he been asking you out on dates? Again, run away when someone starts dating you and starts in with wanting you to change, because if they can't date the person in front of them as is they need to step off and find someone else. Again, that's not an emotionally healthy thing or individual if they do that. It's not okay to pull the whole, "Well, this person needs to change for me" routine. Sorry, this type of person just gets my Irish up.

[journeynow]

You sound absolutely fine to me, not quirky or different. He might be a mismatch, however. In this day and age there is a wide range of styles and looks and trends to choose from. Be yourself!

[charity]

Going against the grain here but I personally see what he said as a compliment, I certainly would take it as one. And the jokes wouldn't bother me either. From what you say, it sound like he's just surprised by how low maintainence you are and he likes it...and jokes about it.

[scrambledeggs]

I tend to agree with Charity from how this reads and felt that way from the start of this post...

It's almost like the boys who teased you in high school...maybe they weren't your type, they may have made some offhand comments, but they actually did like you in the end.

I think there might be more of a caring to the critiquing than this might come off as. I say, be yourself...Why are they spending time with you then, right?

 

SE

[j.man]

I'd have to throw in with the two previous posters.

 

Gonna be guilty of the same stereotyping he's doing, but men are much more likely to use little jabs and quips like that as a method of passive aggression. It's much more often simply a way to show appreciation for someone's differences or ways they stand out. I don't know why we do it, but I do the exact same thing with a good number on my friends.

 

However, I've very rarely met a woman who's got a thick enough skin or the sense of humor to appreciate that kind of thing. In the interest of not playing an active hand in being 40 and single, it's not a dating tactic I'd employ. I tease my girlfriend occasionally in that kind of way, but it took a lot longer than two months to get familiar enough with her.

 

Where the guy's an ***hole is the fact he keeps doing it and laughing at your discontent. Honestly, if you're taking personal offense to him joking about taking you to a cheap restaurant (again, a joke that's probably used in like 99% of relationships at one point or another), it could be that you are a bit more sensitive than others, which is fine. His humor itself is reason enough to not enjoy his company, but as others have pointed out, his rudeness in laughing you off and persisting is its own equally justifiable reason.

[j.man]

but men are much more likely to use little jabs and quips like that as a method of passive aggression.

Kind of a game breaking typo there. Meant to say "less likely." That's what I get for breaking my "don't do anything other than lay in bed before 2:00pm on Sundays" policy.

[IAmFCA]

I've been seeing a guy for 2 months and the other day he told me I was "quirky and different" (but he likes it). I didn't know what that meant, so I asked him in a message and he said it would be better if he explained in person. He said it's because I'm "not fashionable, I don't follow trends by buying what's in fashion like most people do and I'm not like a WAG (wives and girlfriends) because I don't have fake nails etc". On a previous day he also asked me where I keep "all" my make-up and jewellery and seemed amazed when I said it's just in a small bag. I know he probably didn't mean anything bad with these comments, but they've left me feeling like I'm not very feminine or "good enough," and that his ex-girlfriends must have been really beauty-obsessed, glamorous types for him to have said things like that. We are both in our 40s, so I didn't think I needed to be keeping up with trends and I know I shouldn't change who I am, but these comments have unsettled me. I said his comments had upset me a bit but he just laughed. He also jokes about taking me to a greasy spoon for my birthday or buying me something from the pound shop. Again, I'm sure they're just jokes but they make me feel like I'm a bit second rate and don't deserve anything decent. Should I just get a grip and laugh it all off or would you feel a little unnerved too?

 

He is an (word for donkey). More kindly said, you two are incompatible.

 

Plenty, tons, of men like women the way you like yourself. Don't let his (poor, IMO) taste color your own. Its different from yours, not better or worse.

 

I am you. Went a decade without a purse. Didnt wear make up. Now, i wear only eyeliner and mascara. No manicure (though one day, this may change). No make up kit, except for one the size of a large coin purse.

 

I did make some changes. Brought my jeans to current day, which cost me a pretty penny but changed everything. I actually mamage my hair so its not like Gilda Radnor, God rest her and Gene Wilder's souls, both. Relative to what some women do, I am a jungle rat.

 

Like you, i am happy. You mention being in your 40s and maybe you don't "have" to keep up... no you don't. Never did. But you're not dead yet! Out of respect to yourself and to others' needs to understand you, make sure your presentation matches who you are. If you feel like a sex kitten inside, put that out there a bit. Be authentic. That is all you need to do.

 

And dump this guy.