Got told I'm "quirky and different" but wasn't prepared for why!

[poorlittlefish]

I've been seeing a guy for 2 months and the other day he told me I was "quirky and different" (but he likes it). I didn't know what that meant, so I asked him in a message and he said it would be better if he explained in person. He said it's because I'm "not fashionable, I don't follow trends by buying what's in fashion like most people do and I'm not like a WAG (wives and girlfriends) because I don't have fake nails etc". On a previous day he also asked me where I keep "all" my make-up and jewellery and seemed amazed when I said it's just in a small bag. I know he probably didn't mean anything bad with these comments, but they've left me feeling like I'm not very feminine or "good enough," and that his ex-girlfriends must have been really beauty-obsessed, glamorous types for him to have said things like that. We are both in our 40s, so I didn't think I needed to be keeping up with trends and I know I shouldn't change who I am, but these comments have unsettled me. I said his comments had upset me a bit but he just laughed. He also jokes about taking me to a greasy spoon for my birthday or buying me something from the pound shop. Again, I'm sure they're just jokes but they make me feel like I'm a bit second rate and don't deserve anything decent. Should I just get a grip and laugh it all off or would you feel a little unnerved too?

[Andrina]

Instead of apologizing when you said you were upset, he laughed. Is this caring behavior? There's often truth in jokes. Those are offensive digs he spit out at you about the greasy spoon, etc. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. You have two choices. Realize he's mean spirited and doesn't deserve to be around you and break it off, or give him another chance and teach him how to treat you. Don't be a doormat. Let him know that you don't find the jokes about your birthday to be funny, and you find the comments to be a major put down and you'd like his word that he will refrain from speaking to you like that in the future. If again, he laughs and gives excuses and doesn't apologize, it means he will continue with his behavior and its time for you to exit. If he apologizes and stops the bad behavior, you can give it another try if that's your choice. Take care.

[Sportster2005]

There's nothing wrong with quirky.

 

There is something wrong with his passive-aggressive insults. He's not joking, he's being a d ick.

[browser]

Good luck being open and honest with this guy about how you feel about things in general, he's obviously not interested or capable of dealing with such matters, and how can he be? He's busy counting your necklaces.

[gebaird]

I agree with Andrina, there are definitely some red flags here. I have a friend who was dating a guy, and he joked about her pudgy tummy (she's a skinny girl, so it was just mean-spirited). When she asked him to stop, he didn't listen. After two or three times of this, she ended the relationship.

 

If I ever called my partner "quirky and different," it would be quickly be followed by a list of reasons why being quirky and different appeals to me, not dismissive laughter. If she told me my words had hurt her, I would endeavor to make it up to her, apologizing profusely and never bringing up that particular subject again.

 

There are three types of guys:

 

1) Guys who are nice to everyone

2) Guys who are nice to a woman they are attracted to, as long as it's going well

3) Guys who aren't nice to anyone

 

If you were my friend or sister, I'd recommend only dating guys in the first category. It sounds like this guy you are dating may be a 2.5. Pay close attention to how he treats other people (family members, waiters, store clerks, people he doesn't "have to" treat well). If there are negative patterns, I'd run. Eventually you could find yourself being regularly disrespected.

[RainyCoast]

none of the things he listed are bad...but the way he says them is derogatory.

 

about saying he likes quirky...one of our members Zaphod said this recently, i find it so fitting:

That's "negging" - it's what blokes without any game do because they read it in some pick up artist book from the 1960's. Some amateur psycho babble about lowering the woman's self esteem makes her more likely to sleep with you. Whereas probably the opposite is true, ironically.

 

i would never see this one again. no "see if he improves his behavior". he's not 9 and you don't give out stickers for respect and manners. once someone proves to me they're a haughty deprecating jerk i have zero reason to change my mind.

 

who in the world would skip even bothering not trying to put their date down? it's kind of abusive, no?

[James516]

A person's true traits usually begins to show around 3 months. You are getting a dose of his true self right on schedule and this will only get worse if you allow it. Sometimes people just need to learn how to be when meeting someone new. "Jokes" that are put downs are not jokes, they are backhanded ways of controlling you, bad communication, immature, and demeaning. Look at what these jokes have done - you already are defending yourself! You don't want to be in a relationship that you feel you have to defend who you are.

 

So it would be best to be straight with him- tell him that whether he is trying to be funny about this subject or not, you don't like it. If he makes a fuss and even breaks it off over you just letting him know this, then you will have dodged a whole lot of bad times. If these jokes continue after talking about it with him leaving you to often feel defensive, it's not worth it. Hopefully, though, it's just a simple learning adjustment and he will grow up and get a clue after you speak with him.

[limichelle]

At first I was thinking he was complimenting you with the quirky and different because he said he likes it. Then came the snide remarks. Yikes! I would ask him if he is meaning to be hurtful. If he laughs it off and is snide some more ditch the jerk!

[MissCanuck]

You should "joke" about buying him a member-extender for his birthday, because the one he currently possesses to so different and quirky. Haha, funny, right?

 

In all seriousness, he sounds like a jerk. I don't think he's meaning these things as compliments, OP. Sorry.

[j.man]

I'm not sure if he's trying to be or not, but as Sportster elegantly put it, he's being a d ick. He may be taking what he perceives to be your atypical personality and assuming you've got more of "guy's" sense of humor / thick skin. I know receiving equivalent comments wouldn't be cause to much offense to me, personally. But the moment he noticed you weren't receptive is when he should have considered putting a pinch of sugar on his off-handed compliments, assuming he meant them as such, which I could see.

 

This is who he is, and you are who you are. If this kind of humor doesn't fly with you, you don't have to pretend it does. I don't know how the rest of your experience with him has gone, but it's up to you whether this kind of thing is infrequent and menial enough to where you can get used to it. If not, kick 'im to the curb.

[Sportster2005]

none of the things he listed are bad...but the way he says them is derogatory.

 

about saying he likes quirky...one of our members Zaphod said this recently, i find it so fitting:

 

 

i would never see this one again. no "see if he improves his behavior". he's not 9 and you don't give out stickers for respect and manners. once someone proves to me they're a haughty deprecating jerk i have zero reason to change my mind.

 

who in the world would skip even bothering not trying to put their date down? it's kind of abusive, no?

 

It's not necessarily negging. I love quirky. I detest the normal and mundane. I like women who draw outside the lines. I've even put in my profile I like quirky. The problem is quirky is like the word nice. They are very non-specific adjectives and can be interpreted differently.

 

How was your run?

Nice

 

How was your run?

Very rewarding. I ran 10 k at a 5:30 pace, and felt totally at peace afterwards.

 

How is that girl you're dating?

Quirky

 

How is that girl you're dating?

Very spontaneous. She is in a very male dominated field. She has a silly laugh and an eclectic taste in music.

 

I think the OP has to ignore the label he is affixing to her, and just dump him over his unacceptable behaviour.

[greta96]

I've been seeing a guy for 2 months and the other day he told me I was "quirky and different" (but he likes it). I didn't know what that meant, so I asked him in a message and he said it would be better if he explained in person. He said it's because I'm "not fashionable, I don't follow trends by buying what's in fashion like most people do and I'm not like a WAG (wives and girlfriends) because I don't have fake nails etc". On a previous day he also asked me where I keep "all" my make-up and jewellery and seemed amazed when I said it's just in a small bag.

 

....

 

He also jokes about taking me to a greasy spoon for my birthday or buying me something from the pound shop. Again, I'm sure they're just jokes but they make me feel like I'm a bit second rate and don't deserve anything decent. Should I just get a grip and laugh it all off or would you feel a little unnerved too?

 

Yes, you should get a grip and dump his patronizing a$$ sooner rather than later!

Umm...those are not jokes, and if you "laugh it off" you will just reinforce the opinion he seems to have of you. Also, he doesn't know the meaning of the word "quirky" - you may want to point that out to him so he doesn't sound as ignorant with the next woman he dates. He sounds like your typical insecure, rude jerk unhappy with himself, who tries to look classy and refined and fails. In his 40's, there is no chance of him ever changing for the better. And since it's only been 2 months, I think it's time you considered moving on. You don't have to put up with this just so you can say you have a man in your life. You can do better.

[RainyCoast]

It's not necessarily negging. I love quirky. I detest the normal and mundane. I like women who draw outside the lines. I've even put in my profile I like quirky. The problem is quirky is like the word nice. They are very non-specific adjectives and can be interpreted differently.

 

How was your run?

Nice

 

How was your run?

Very rewarding. I ran 10 k at a 5:30 pace, and felt totally at peace afterwards.

 

How is that girl you're dating?

Quirky

 

How is that girl you're dating?

Very spontaneous. She is in a very male dominated field. She has a silly laugh and an eclectic taste in music.

 

I think the OP has to ignore the label he is affixing to her, and just dump him over his unacceptable behaviour.

 

it's not the label. i've been told i'm quirky but i rather liked the explanation!! it's how he explains it and accompanies it with what sounds like ridicule. i also have seen far too many people deliver remarks about someone being "outside the norm" with scornful laughter, then following that with "what's the matter lady, can't take a joke, my are you fancy" type remarks as if the receiver was supposed to feel guilty for expecting basic respect. if she proceeds to tells us he also said "wow, can't you take a compliment" i swear i'm going to break something.

 

it is a clear big flashing sign of a lowlife to me. it is intended to make one feel less. he knows what he's saying and how is downputting. if he doesn't know it, his level of evolvement is such i'd guiltlessly consider myself "above him" and pass.

[Sportster2005]

it's not the label. i've been told i'm quirky but i rather liked the explanation!! it's how he explains it and accompanies it with what sounds like ridicule. i also have seen far too many people deliver remarks about someone being "outside the norm" with scornful laughter, then following that with "what's the matter lady, can't take a joke, my are you fancy" type remarks as if the receiver was supposed to feel guilty for expecting basic respect. if she proceeds to tells us he also said "wow, can't you take a compliment" i swear i'm going to break something.

 

it is a clear big flashing sign of a lowlife to me. it is intended to make one feel less. he knows what he's saying and how is downputting. if he doesn't know it, his level of evolvement is such i'd guiltlessly consider myself "above him" and pass.

 

I agree, it's not so much the label. it's the accompanying ridicule. Regardless if he meant quirky in a positive or negative way, his subsequent comments say it all.

 

There's no such thing as teasing or playful banter. Insults are intended by the insulter to make themselves feel better.

 

Just kidding = you called me on my bullying.

[Hollyj]

Nothing wrong with being quirky. Embrace it.

 

The comments about the birthday gift were offensive. This will only get worse. He is a bully! Get rid of this creep!!!!!

[itsallgrand]

Bottom line is its better to pick someone who doesn't make you feel badly for being who you are. I'd find those 'jokes' a turn off too.

 

I don't even think it's quirky to not have a huge love of make up and nails. I mean really, his comment was just stupid and rude. Why is he even talking about make up like it matters so much?

[katrina1980]

Maybe I am slow today lol, but would someone translate "buy you something from the pound"?

 

Did he mean like a puppy? Like from the dog pound (shelter)?

 

Or if in the UK, would it be the equivalent of saying in the U.S. "buy you something from the dollar store"?

 

Agree he had no tact, and was rude, but is it possible he was simply bantering with you? just trying to see both sides here.

 

The fact you don't wear much makeup, are not into trends, etc. and he likes that, I see as a compliment. He is attracted to you, as is, natural, real.

 

His delivery was poor, but perhaps it's a matter of different communication styles and perhaps even you not being 100% comfortable in your own skin?

 

Not judging at all, I am extremely sensitive too, BTDT!!

 

More often than I care to think about even, it's sort of my Achilles Heel. Ugh.

 

Working on it though.

 

I DO NOT like that he laughed when you said his *jokes* upset you though.

 

That speaks volumes and I would seriously re-think continuing to date him after that.

 

Rude, insensitive, immature.

[RainyCoast]

I don't even think it's quirky to not have a huge love of make up and nails. I mean really, his comment was just stupid and rude. Why is he even talking about make up like it matters so much?

 

i was wondering about that too. imagine walking into a guy's den demanding to see where he keeps "all" his workout equipment and playstations.

 

there are also ways to say one appreciates a mate looking good despite not being overly concerned with appearance, knows how to spend quality time and have fun without being a slave to trends or materialistic, and is pleasant and attractive but not high maintenance. i'm certain that any half intelligent adult knows how to get such a point across and make it a compliment rather than an insult--if they WANT to. if he doesn't, again he's too low to bother with.

[j.man]

i was wondering about that too. imagine walking into a guy's den demanding to see where he keeps "all" his workout equipment and playstations.

** As j.man looks over to his TV stand holding his PS3 and PS4 **

[RainyCoast]

yes J, but i wouldn't automatically expect a guy to keep them, or act like it's a shocker if he doesn't. or assume that because he is easily entertained i needn't bother for his birthday and telling him greasy spoon and dollar tree will do it for him.

 

i'm not... sophisticated, and i don't expect men to be.... but it's like he grew up in a cave.

[Hollyj]

** As j.man looks over to his TV stand holding his PS3 and PS4 **

 

what about the weights?

[Ms Darcy]

I agree that the biggest concern here is that when you expressed your hurt, he laughed.

 

I think he's trying to nudge you to be more fashionable and beauty conscious. That's not who you are. Don't bother with someone trying to change you.

[katrina1980]

I agree that the biggest concern here is that when you expressed your hurt, he laughed.

 

I think he's trying to nudge you to be more fashionable and beauty conscious. That's not who you are. Don't bother with someone trying to change you.

 

Ahh, reverse psychology?

 

Brings it up, tells her he likes it while simultaneously tossing out jabs (jokes), all in an attempt to throw her off balance and self-consciousness, hoping this will result in her changing to become more beauty and fashion focused?

 

Interesting theory, you may be on to something there Mrs. D!

[j.man]

yes J, but i wouldn't automatically expect a guy to keep them, or act like it's a shocker if he doesn't. or assume that because he is easily entertained i needn't bother for his birthday and telling him greasy spoon and dollar tree will do it for him.

 

i'm not... sophisticated, and i don't expect men to be.... but it's like he grew up in a cave.

Totally meant as a joke.

 

But to relate it, it wouldn't bother me one way or the other if someone assumed I had Playstations and weight equipment. To be fair, they'd be right in this case, but plenty of times in my life I haven't fit a certain bill and been on the receiving end of quips similar to the OP's. Not necessarily defending the guy using the novelty to entertain himself at her expense, but I don't think they're cause for any grand offense. Just a guy who's either intentionally being an ass or doesn't know better to not treat someone he's recently dating as a best mate he can throw jabs at in good fun. Either one would suggest that, while many are single in their 40s by no fault of their own, his situation is probably by design.

 

The one thing I won't necessarily fault him on is, without knowing the context, the whole pound store and greasy spoon thing. Most guys have joked with a girlfriend at one point or another about treating them to McDonald's or something similar. Not very original or funny, but it's kinda the relationship equivalent of a dad joke.

[itsallgrand]

I agree it's not some grand offence worth getting upset about. I do think it's likely it's as ms Darcy thinks - a clumsy and transparent attempt to get her to adjust for his tastes. I've just seen that one too many times - and find it very unattractive, whatever the thought process ( or lack) behind it.

 

Bad sign too that she is questioning herself rather than just shrugging it off as him being not in line with her.

 

Sometimes people just make assumptions, it isn't a crime, but it does tell you something about how they see the world