365 days without her challange - NC/LC Log

[anon56]

Its been 7 days since i have last spoken to Karen. I have decided to create a blog on the last day of december to try to vent my thoughts. I can compare Karen to Summer (500 days of summer), up to this point.

 

Its been really tough not talking to her, I have tried everything, clubbing, new hobbies, going out with new women, deleting her on social media. All except whatsapp...

 

We broke up 9 months ago, and it has been the hardest breakup I´ve dealt with. She has been dragging me along all this time, the first few months we didn´t talk much since I was being cold. But i turned soft towards the end of september and hit the fan...

 

This is my attempt to start 2017 fresh. I will respond to her messages briefly and no more than a line or two from now on, its decided.

I´ve managed to figure out that no woman can ever have too much love,attention or money from a man. It has to be balanced or things will fall apart.

 

/////////// I will update every day on this thread and on the website... I am not even sure 365 days are needed, but that is the challange. I have also included a section where you can post your own stories and vent... instead of sending those messages..

/

[Andrina]

I think a blog is a horrible idea. You will write about her every day and that will keep her present in your life and on your mind. You haven't had closure in 9 months because you two have communicated. Change your phone number if you cannot block her. Venting every day about an ex is not moving on. It's also keeping your thoughts in a negative place. Going no contact forevermore will be the key to healing and moving on. I recommend the book The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. It'll help you achieve a positive mindset and provide concrete steps to achieve your life goals.

[gebaird]

I was in an LDR with someone and we wrote to each other multiple times a day. When she broke it off, I was devastated. I wrote a blog similar to the one you mentioned for a few months, but it just made it hurt more. When I finally turned to other sources (hobbies, friends) for healing I was able to move on.

[Iggy5129]

It's not really without her if you can still receive and respond to her messages. You need to block and go full NC. This is why you're still obsessed 9 months later.

 

Isn't writing a blog still giving her attention and power over you?

[browser]

I will respond to her messages briefly and no more than a line or two from now on

 

So that's like sticking yourself with a long needle instead of drilling into your skin.

[shiner501]

Some break ups are very hard. I know myself only too well. But if you had a broken leg that was healing, would you bang it with a hammer to break it again?

 

Physical injuries and stress are no different to mental ones. Your idea will keep you stuck in the past, in a dark place. It is akin to breaking your leg again, repeatedly.

[Almira23]

I don't understand how this is a "without her" challenge when you have every intention of responding to her when she reaches out again...

[browneyedgirl36]

I concur with the others: You haven't healed well this past nine months because you've been in contact with her. Blogging/posting about her every day is just another way of "contacting" her, in a sense, and answering her messages but not initiating any (what some call "NIC" -- "No Initiated Contact") is, in essence, contacting her.

 

Ask yourself this: Do you really want nine more months of this? A year? Two years? If you keep giving her so much space in your head, that's what will happen.

 

My suggestion is to post here if you're having a really bad day -- that's what this site is for, to help you to process things and feel you're not alone -- but don't commit yourself to regular, daily posts about her, and definitely don't do a blog about her. How about, instead, doing a healing journal and/or blog -- one about YOU, where you don't talk about HER, but rather talk about YOU and the things you're doing to move forward with your life -- new hobbies and interests, exercise, work, events you go to, books you're reading, restaurants you're trying, etc. Shifting your focus from her to you will help you to move forward in a much healthier way.

 

And, lastly, about responding to her contact: DON'T. Not even with "brief" replies. Again, you're just keeping that tie, reassuring both yourself and her that you're just waiting around. You need to block/delete her if you can't trust yourself not to answer. Not replying is NOT mean, or childish -- it's moving on. She's moving on without you, and you need to do the same, for your own well-being.

 

I know it's hard, but you CAN do it.

[shiner501]

I concur with the others: You haven't healed well this past nine months because you've been in contact with her. Blogging/posting about her every day is just another way of "contacting" her, in a sense, and answering her messages but not initiating any (what some call "NIC" -- "No Initiated Contact") is, in essence, contacting her.

 

Ask yourself this: Do you really want nine more months of this? A year? Two years? If you keep giving her so much space in your head, that's what will happen.

 

My suggestion is to post here if you're having a really bad day -- that's what this site is for, to help you to process things and feel you're not alone -- but don't commit yourself to regular, daily posts about her, and definitely don't do a blog about her. How about, instead, doing a healing journal and/or blog -- one about YOU, where you don't talk about HER, but rather talk about YOU and the things you're doing to move forward with your life -- new hobbies and interests, exercise, work, events you go to, books you're reading, restaurants you're trying, etc. Shifting your focus from her to you will help you to move forward in a much healthier way.

 

And, lastly, about responding to her contact: DON'T. Not even with "brief" replies. Again, you're just keeping that tie, reassuring both yourself and her that you're just waiting around. You need to block/delete her if you can't trust yourself not to answer. Not replying is NOT mean, or childish -- it's moving on. She's moving on without you, and you need to do the same, for your own well-being.

 

I know it's hard, but you CAN do it.

A fabulous reply and a help to all of us BrownEyedGirl. Thankyou.

[browneyedgirl36]

A fabulous reply and a help to all of us BrownEyedGirl. Thankyou.

 

You're welcome! And, thank YOU for the kind words. I am -- fortunately or unfortunately (I'm not sure which!) -- very experienced in this area, having had the misfortune to have dated someone I work with (who, of course, dumped me) and having had to see him on a regular basis, which prevented me from moving on for a LONG time. I finally did, but it would have happened MUCH sooner if I hadn't had to see him regularly. And, I admit, I still kept in contact with him outside of work for a long time, which was terrible for my healing. It was only when he flaunted it in my face that he was seeing others (even brought one girlfriend to work with him -- UGH!) that I finally had no choice but to move on. From my experience, the more headspace you give them -- seeing them, responding to them, even writing/thinking about them too much -- the longer it will take to move on.

[Ayanokōji]

Not sure what the big deal is about not contacting your ex, my ex contacts me every now and then to check up on me and nothing bad ever happened... Just need a little maturity to know that just coz you broke up doesn't mean you are arch enemies for life, there were good times and genuine care and concern for each other too right?

[shiner501]

Not sure what the big deal is about not contacting your ex, my ex contacts me every now and then to check up on me and nothing bad ever happened... Just need a little maturity to know that just coz you broke up doesn't mean you are arch enemies for life, there were good times and genuine care and concern for each other too right?

 

No one is suggesting we hate an ex for evermore. But in the aftermath of a break-up when people are hurting - especially for the person who was dumped (and even more so if they were dumped unexpectedly) - it is so much easier to be in NC with that ex as opposed to repeated contact that keeps reopening the wounds of the break-up. It is very upsetting for most people to keep seeing and hearing from an ex you still have strong feelings for. They do not get turned off over night.

[anon56]

Day 8.. Just woke up with a huge head ache from last night... I decided not to spend all this new years with family, instead I went clubbing with friends after 12 and ended up hooking with 2 strangers. I managed to read some responses in the thread, i think writing a blog to vent my thoughts isn't a bad idea, but what is a bad idea is to allow my ex to remain in contact with me.

 

Which is why i decided to block her in the remaining places and close all lines of communication this morning. This one user "Browneyedgirl36", gave real good advice on turning this site into a healing blog.

 

These holidays are so difficult, not receiving a happy new years message after almost 3 years of being with someone, when last year we were kissing around that same hour. I managed to hold off on not sending a message or call, and that hurt, but it would hurt more to not receive a response or initiate a conversation that i know isn't going to lead anywhere.

 

Lets just hope i don't receive any communication soon... so far 2017 looks like the year big changes will be made.

[browneyedgirl36]

No one is suggesting we hate an ex for evermore. But in the aftermath of a break-up when people are hurting - especially for the person who was dumped (and even more so if they were dumped unexpectedly) - it is so much easier to be in NC with that ex as opposed to repeated contact that keeps reopening the wounds of the break-up. It is very upsetting for most people to keep seeing and hearing from an ex you still have strong feelings for. They do not get turned off over night.

 

Exactly. I don't hate my ex (well, anymore -- LOL!) and I've actually run into him at work and been able to speak to him in a civil, even friendly, manner. Granted, I wouldn't want him contacting me outside of work (it wouldn't freak me out or anything, but I don't think it's appropriate to have any outside of work contact with him anymore, given that we're both in other relationships and I'm engaged), but I don't hate him -- or even actively avoid him. BUT...our last involvement was in 2011 -- 5 years ago -- and we've both long since moved on. I no longer feel hurt over him and how things turned out. For a long time, that wasn't the case, and during that time, keeping in contact with him felt like it was killing me (even though I couldn't stop myself from engaging with him because I was hoping that he would miraculously change his mind, and I was having trouble letting go of that tiny shred of hope.) So, yes, exes don't need to be enemies, but when at least one person still has strong feelings, being in contact can be a recipe for misery and heartbreak AND can prevent moving on in a healthy way.

[anon56]

I stumbled across this website called SoSuave, and im starting to read some of the articles. Especially the one that says No-Contact, information on the enotalone website is somewhat scarce leading from personal opinion of what No-Contact means.

 

However, in the post on SoSuave I stumbled upon, it was pretty concrete on what to actually do. There was also this “Don Juans Bible” i have yet to read. After reading a few of the threads I started to feel more confidence towards myself, as it tries to explain the thought process of women.

 

Today was a good day, i spent a few hours at a new gym, i had to change gym´s due to last years problems following me up to the current gym. Instead of creating conflict, i was looking for something fresh. I managed to meet someone but we only talked a little, lets see how things go… i have to admit that i have this one last picture of us that i havent been able to delete.

[browser]

I stumbled across this website called SoSuave, and im starting to read some of the articles. Especially the one that says No-Contact, information on the enotalone website is somewhat scarce leading from personal opinion of what No-Contact means.

 

No clue what you mean about information being scarce. There's 10's of thousands of threads and posts on this site, and a lot of them specifically address no contact. Yes, most of what is written here is personal opinion but there's plenty of references to valid sources.

 

"No contact" simply means "you no longer contact the person". This gives the person doing no contact the opportunity to heal and move on with their lives without influence from the person they're trying to break away from.

 

It's not some sort of manipulative tool to try to get them to miss you and somehow "win them back".

[browneyedgirl36]

No clue what you mean about information being scarce. There's 10's of thousands of threads and posts on this site, and a lot of them specifically address no contact. Yes, most of what is written here is personal opinion but there's plenty of references to valid sources.

 

"No contact" simply means "you no longer contact the person". This gives the person doing no contact the opportunity to heal and move on with their lives without influence from the person they're trying to break away from.

 

It's not some sort of manipulative tool to try to get them to miss you and somehow "win them back".

 

Yep. It means not being in ANY contact -- not even responding when they contact you (unless, of course, you have to for legal and/or other reasons -- if you have children with them, for example). It also means, in a broader sense, not looking at their social media posts and not interacting with them at all on social media -- no "likes," no messages, nothing.

 

And yes, as browser said, it's NOT a tool to get someone back. No Contact means you're moving on with your life -- not that you're biding your time until they come back.