Very sad: Need advice

[aloneindian]

Hi All,

 

I am a 30 yr old gay male from Mumbai, India and here to need some much needed advice as I am unable to cope up with my breakup recently.I broke up with my boyfriend(23 year old) for 9 months on this Tuesday i.e. Dec 27,2016. I broke up with him because I found him sexting with 20-30 men on Grindr. This was not the first time we broke up on this though. 6 months back I found out that he was dating another guy as well and was sexting with many of his so-called "friends" on whatsapp. Also, i found out that time that he had been involved in having sex for money previously with very old men.

 

At that time he cried and repented a lot and said that he will stop doing all this so we got back together.Though within a week after that he was sexting with some guy and when he found out he said he will never do anything of that sort, so it was fine. But whenever, I checked his phone(shamefully, yes I snooped), he either had some nude pics he had taken in somebody's bathroom from that weekend when I wasnt with him for some reason or some text with some guy expressing his wish that he really liked him and wish he was single.

Though all this time he really loved me. Whenever I was with him, which was a lot in recent months, he used to come over and we used to stay together for days as, he used to cook for me we cuddled a lot and had a really charming loving life. Though, we didnt have sex much because he said that he was kind of asexual now(though he had previously had a large experience in sex, even more than mine) and I was ok with it and never forced him to do anything. He also said that he used sexting only for masturbating and now he was using porn for the same as I did not approve of sexting.

 

I always trusted him in front of me but never could trust him behind my back since our first breakup.

 

Now coming to this Tuesday, I caught him on Grindr and asked him to leave without saying much. But next day when I was abusing him on whatsapp chat for leaving em and being a cheat/liar he messaged me back that he was never sexually attracted towards me as I was not his type though he really loved me and thought that he could live without sex and had actually turned asexual.

 

After hearing this I cried a lot , spoke to him on phone and asked him why did he date me in the first place if I was not his type only to hurt me. He was also crying on phone and was sad.Later on the next day i.e. thursday I called him in the night weeping and he came to my place as he said we would talk and this would give me closure because he was concerned for me as I might have insinuated to him that breaking up with him might end my life, I again abused him a lot for his infidelities etc but he was aacting all cute and said many times that he still loved me. Also, reminded me of many things of mine which he found cute and was also lovey dovey. In the end at 5 am he went away, after we spent almost an hour at my door, he undecided on whether he should leave and me the same, though I also agreed with him at that time that we should seperate.

 

But next day, yesterday i.e. Friday 30th Dec 2016, in the evening I decided that wwe should get back together and give this a last chance, called him up and said that, he replied that we are never getting back together. I didnt take no for an answer and started towards his home and called him on the way to tell him the same. He asked me not to come as he was going out but I insisted so he asked me join him in the cab. I met him, cried a lot and asked him to give us a last chance. Finally he relneted, and told me that he would return from his trip on 5th jan and come back to my place to give our relationship a last try albeit a relationship of open types where he could have sexting/ fun with other men on the side.

I was happy but then I got to know from him, very reluctantly, that he is going to Musact for new year's eve party for 6 days on an all expense paid trip by an arab man from Mumbai(60 year old) who I long suspected was his kind of sugar daddy though he said that I didnt understand their equation and he was just his friend. We had earlier had fights on his relationship with him as well especially when I found in my boyfriend's laptop his own nude pics but taken in this arab guy's bathroom.

so I could not control myself and stormed off abusing him for being a . In the end I again called him at the airport and begged him to not go but come back to my place as his path (money based sex) was not the correct one but he sai I didnt understand and he is not having sex with this arab and he is goibng to Muscat.

 

Then he flew away.

 

Now I am still in too much pain and dont know what to do.I want to write an email to him as he is in Muscat and has already blocked me on whatsapp etc.I really love him and miss him.I am still crying and hoping for a miracle to get him back in my life. Everything reminds me of him.What should I do now? Guys please help.

[Clio]

You need to treat this as if you had a drug addiction. That means no contact. As much as you love him, he is not going to change. Even if he came back, he would continue cheating as he has already done multiple times. He cannot be trusted and you know it. You should try to let go. Grieve the relationship and when ready find someone new, someone loyal who does not sell himself for money.

[aloneindian]

You need to treat this as if you had a drug addiction. That means no contact. As much as you love him, he is not going to change. Even if he came back, he would continue cheating as he has already done multiple times. He cannot be trusted and you know it. You should try to let go. Grieve the relationship and when ready find someone new, someone loyal who does not sell himself for money.

 

Thanks Clio, but what I am unable to understand is that why am I trying to reach out to him again and again while he is not despite knowing that I broke up for all the wrong reasons.Am I a weak person?

[Clio]

No. It may be that you need more time to accept what is there. We all make wrong choices in the name of love at one point or another. But you need to stop resisting the lesson this person came to teach you. And that is to love yourself enough to remove yourself from hurtful situations. If you learn to do this you will open the way for better people to enter your life. Being cheated on should become a deal-breaker for you. It is a clear indication that they are the wrong person for you and you need to learn to accept that and move on.

[browser]

Hi All,

 

I am a 30 yr old gay male from Mumbai, India

 

Now I am still in too much pain and dont know what to do.I want to write an email to him as he is in Muscat and has already blocked me on whatsapp etc.I really love him and miss him.I am still crying and hoping for a miracle to get him back in my life. Everything reminds me of him.What should I do now? Guys please help.

 

Your whole situation blows.

 

You're just going to have to let time do it's work.

 

You'll feel better eventually but based on the bad shape you're in now, it's going to be a whiile.

[Jibralta]

You are in such an unhealthy dynamic with this guy, and that is contributing to your current unbalanced mental state and poor decision-making. You must distance yourself from him and the relationship because you are in a very vulnerable and gullible state. You have a need to believe that he is worth your time and that this relationship will work out. But you are deceiving yourself. He is not worth any of your time. Not a second. And the relationship that yo want with him is impossible. So, distance yourself. Block him COMPLETELY. Then fight through the pain you are going to feel for a while. It WILL go away. Then, once you are feeling better, do some real soul-searching and try to figure out how you ended up in such a bad situation to begin with.

[aloneindian]

I understand this @Jibralta @clio and @browser but I am just too afraid. just now while I was rearranging my furniture(read somewhere that one should do this after breakup as it was my apartment but he was practically here all the time) , I found a name tag of him from some conference he attended and again my eyes got wet and I thought of mailing him with this pic. I am unable to forget his love guys, he made me feel so special , I could see true love in his eyes. (Except when I was not with him). Even yesterday after seeing me crying he got ready to come to me back even after all this.

It is difficult and rare to find such love in my opinion and thats why I am heartbroken. Dont know if I am right.

[aloneindian]

You are in such an unhealthy dynamic with this guy, and that is contributing to your current unbalanced mental state and poor decision-making. You must distance yourself from him and the relationship because you are in a very vulnerable and gullible state. You have a need to believe that he is worth your time and that this relationship will work out. But you are deceiving yourself. He is not worth any of your time. Not a second. And the relationship that yo want with him is impossible. So, distance yourself. Block him COMPLETELY. Then fight through the pain you are going to feel for a while. It WILL go away. Then, once you are feeling better, do some real soul-searching and try to figure out how you ended up in such a bad situation to begin with.

 

I am just sad that have I missed on true love because based on what I wrote in my story you guys would not believe that we behaved like star crossed couple for all the time he was in my apartment(which was most of the time) .I could see his love for me in his eyes. His small-small actions exuded so much love. We even peed together. I clipped his toenails. just now while I was rearranging the furniture in my apartment( read some where that one should do that if left alone after ex moves out) I saw a name tag of him from some conference lying around and was about to write him an email with its pic.

I dont know what will happen to me. I am so depressed.

[Jibralta]

Are you absolutely sold on the idea that you can have only ONE true love?

[aloneindian]

Are you absolutely sold on the idea that you can have only ONE true love?

 

Not exactly..I am just scared of getting back in the dating circle , making all those efforts with my average looks and not being able to find a guy who values me for who I am.Plus, I am craving for all the love and attention this guy showered on me.

[Jibralta]

Ok, well I'm glad to see that your attitude is flexible. Don't lose hope. Things look bleak now, but that's because you're at the bottom. Whenever we are in a low point in life, it seems like the future must be that way, too. But it won't. Things will get better. Just detach and give yourself time to heal. There's no way around the fact that it will take time. The only way out is through.

[aloneindian]

Ok, well I'm glad to see that your attitude is flexible. Don't lose hope. Things look bleak now, but that's because you're at the bottom. Whenever we are in a low point in life, it seems like the future must be that way, too. But it won't. Things will get better. Just detach and give yourself time to heal. There's no way around the fact that it will take time. The only way out is through.

 

Really appreciate your help. Today was my day 1 of NC. Hoping for non-stop NC and support from you guys. I hope this pain goes away soon and I can laugh upon my foolishness in the forthcoming future.

[aloneindian]

Day 2 of NC started this morning. Missing him badly.

[Silverbirch]

Oh Big Hug. A lot of us have felt just like you do - for me, several times after several relationships. It's true, it takes time, and now I am glad I am not with any of my exes. Please don't go back to him. He isn't in control of himself, and maybe never will be.

[aloneindian]

The thing is I am also not in control of myself. Since, he is not in the city, I just now got this idea to visit his home and meet his mom (as he lives with them). Dont know what purpose will it solve. Spoke to a friend of mine and she thinks its a wrong idea especially as I have never met his mom before. I am so confused.

[Lone She Wolf]

Yeah, going to see his mom is a very bad idea...it smells of stalking. Try to understand that the reason you feel the way you do is because you placed very high expectations on him. We all ultimately want to feel loved and be able to love back....the problem is that we think we can do that with only one person. Unfortunately, no one person will ever satisfy that craving because what we are really searching for is our own love that resides inside of us. Think about it....when you feel love, it's a feeling that comes from within, your bf didn't give it to you....all he did was act as a trigger that allowed your heart to open and feel that energy. Love is just energy that flows through your heart.

 

Your brain is programmed based on your past experiences to think (erroneously) that specific things or persons cause you to experience love, but actually, you can experience it without a specific person or thing. You just have to practice - just like we exercise our bodies to sculpt them, it takes time and effort and, most of all consistency. So do we have to train our minds to create new pathways in our brain by consistently relaxing our hearts and minds. Some people try prayer, others try meditation, others turn to drugs/alcohol, which of course is counter-productive.

 

Meditation is what worked for me...but, find something that works for you and be consistent with it, you'll feel better within a few days. Good luck!

[aloneindian]

I think I am unable to love myself because most of my family and friends still do not know that I am gay. Since, I had always been a respectful child and a kind of mom's pet. Maybe I cannot love myself because I fear that my parents/siblings will not love if they know that I am gay (its still very bad in India for gay people)and hence the self -loathing and low self confidence. And hence I try to derive this respect/love from my boyfriends and when it gets lost my whole life crumbles.

Should I come out now?

[LeyahDMV]

Let this be a learning experience for you. Im sure before you met him you really wanted someone in your life. It sounds that you wanted something serious and he still wanted to sleep around. Next time you do decide to date, make sure you go off the guys actions and not just because he is cuddling with you and staying over everynight. Also, a serious relationship should of been something that you two should of discussed from the beginning and his cheating behavior. Never keep giving someone chances to cheat on you. He is taking advantage of the fact that you love him. Im sure it will be tough for you to move on because you have gotten so use to thinking about him and having him around. Take this time to heal. Getting another dating profile and real specify what you want. Alot of younger gay men on dating sites are looking for quick thrills. Its best to guard your feelings from the beginning because going thru a heartbreak is devasting.

[Lone She Wolf]

Coming out is a decision that only you can make. But, to make that decision, you need to be ready to do whatever you need to do in order to heal so that regardless of whether your friends/family accept you or not, you will still be able to lead a happy life. This means you need to make a plan on healing yourself - learn to meditate or join a support group or seek out a counselor, then train your mind to focus on what's really important and not trying to feel accepted by others. Then you'll be able to either come out or not because it won't matter...you'll be ok anyway.

[aloneindian]

Day 3 of NC today. Missing him too much. Feel like crying.I think everything was my fault. I destroyed this beautiful relationship.

 

Have exactly one month when I join my new job as I have served my notice period of 1 month in office today(it was a pre-existing plan of which we both were very excited). I dont know whether I will be able to forget him enough in 1 month to focus on my new job.

 

Also, while going to my office I saw his new office space where he will join in June when his studies complete, was reminded that he had to send his confirmation for the same by Jan 6,2017. Dont know if he has send that till now, he is forgetful and is also out of country(Muscat). Should I remind him of that?

 

I so wished that he would at least ask me about my resignation today because I fixed all these dates with him but nothing from his side.

[Jibralta]

From your description of the relationship, you are definitely not the one who destroyed it!!

 

I know it's hard, but stay strong and ignore these opportunities for connection.

 

He is in Muscat with another man. Why offer him help? He's perfectly, perfectly capable of helping himself.

 

Try to let go.

[aloneindian]

From your description of the relationship, you are definitely not the one who destroyed it!!

 

I know it's hard, but stay strong and ignore these opportunities for connection.

 

He is in Muscat with another man. Why offer him help? He's perfectly, perfectly capable of helping himself.

 

Try to let go.

 

I am trying to let go but my thoughts keep alternating between thinking that it is so right that we separated and on the other hand thinking that his love was true but he could not control his younger age impulses. Anyway, you are right. He is in Muscat with another man and is perfect of helping himself.

I went to a temple today and prayed to God to help me get over him fast and didnt pray for getting back with him.That's some improvement for me , I think.

[Jibralta]

I am trying to let go but my thoughts keep alternating between thinking that it is so right that we separated and on the other hand thinking that his love was true but he could not control his younger age impulses.

 

This sort of self-doubt is normal during the grieving process. Try not to let it overcome your logic.

 

I went to a temple today and prayed to God to help me get over him fast and didnt pray for getting back with him.That's some improvement for me , I think.

 

Yes, excellent.

[ayeh422]

sounds like there's a lot of unworthiness and self sabatoging on both sides.

try this exercise with tony robbins. find some stillness inside you and really try to feel what is the right thing to do from there rather than thinking about it constantly:

 

[aloneindian]

Day 4 of NC and the whole world feels like Hell. I drove away the love of my life with all my pre-concieved notions about fidelity and what not. Maybe this muscat guy is only a friend, maybe he just sexted but never had sex with other guys in order to keep his commitment ith me alive. i abused him badly, called him so many bad things when he was leaving for the airport and when he came to my apartment. I feel so bad. He is such a loving kid and I let him go. He was the first person ever to love me back and I could not continue this so hard found love. I am not sure anybody will ever love me again. I'm old and have been rejected by others my whole life. He was the only one who loved me for who I am. Oh God, what have I done