First time... Ever?

[Imnomermaid]

My boyfriend and I have been together for roughly nine months now, and we are both sixteen. I believe that I am ready to go all of the way, on one condition. He supplies the first round of protection. I've already talked to my doctor and mother about birth control, and am all set up on my end. Is it unreasonable for me to ask him to get the first round of condoms? I feel like he should have to also take the initiative to get protected. Is this being unreasonable?

[Seraphim]

Absolutely NOT being unreasonable. He needs to worry about protection as well . This isn't just a woman's issue .

[j.man]

There shouldn't be a "first round you do this, second round, I do that."

 

Don't let a man ejaculate inside you unless you're ready for kids, period. If you're on BC, he still sports a rubber. Doubling up never hurt anyone.

[mustlovedogs]

I think it's good for him to supply them - BUT you should have some too. Because guys don't have as much incentive to be responsible as women do.

[j.man]

I think it's good for him to supply them - BUT you should have some too. Because guys don't have as much incentive to be responsible as women do.

Considering the man has absolutely no say in the aftermath of a pregnancy, I'm not quite so sure this is true. Definitely not saying it's an easy choice or that it shouldn't in fact be her choice, but I think there's a whole lot of incentive for a man (or boy in this case) not to relinquish control over the next 18 years of his life.

[mustlovedogs]

Considering the man has absolutely no say in the aftermath of a pregnancy, I'm not quite so sure this is true. Definitely not saying it's an easy choice or that it shouldn't in fact be her choice, but I think there's a whole lot of incentive for a man (or boy in this case) not to relinquish control over the next 18 years of his life.

 

True, but that assumes he sticks around. The woman HAS to contend with the pregnancy from a biological standpoint. He doesn't. And his participation is relatively voluntary. To say pregnancy impacts a man and a woman equally is wrong, I think.

[itsallgrand]

I'm of the mind that it is your body, and so it is your responsibility to reasonably protect yourself. I think it's good to carry your own condoms if you are thinking of being sexually active and want to protect yourself from stds and pregnancy.

 

Where he comes into play is if you can talk about these things and he is of the same mind as you when it comes to being sexually responsible. Him popping out to get a few condoms won't necessarily tell you that.

 

There's nothing wrong with him buying, but then make sure they are fresh. Not some old condom sitting in his wallet forever. You could even go together.

 

My point is it is ultimately your responsibility to protect you. His job is to protect himself. If his stance on sex makes you uncomfortable, you can always decline.

 

I don't think you are unreasonable, in fact you are leaps ahead as far as being mature about this and seeing your doctor and thinking it through. I just think who buys the condoms is a little beside the main point - is he sexually responsible too?

[j.man]

True, but that assumes he sticks around. The woman HAS to contend with the pregnancy from a biological standpoint. He doesn't. And his participation is relatively voluntary. To say pregnancy impacts a man and a woman equally is wrong, I think.

My point is that a woman has a choice to go through with a pregnancy or not, or to through with it and put the child up for adoption or not. Again, they're not easy choices, but they are choices that she and she alone can make. Not easy, and definitely not something to envy, but there is the question of whether you'd prefer to have a choice even if it's a difficult one or to be completely helpless to whatever someone else chooses. I suppose it's subject to the individual, but I know for myself, I'd much rather be in the position to make a difficult decision than to not be able to make one at all. There's power in that choice.

 

Again, not a complaint. I'd have it no other way. But I don't think it's fair to suggest one or the other stands to gain or lose more.

 

It's worth noting that you and I do agree on the core principle that doubling up serves best.

[mustlovedogs]

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It's worth noting that you and I do agree on the core principle that doubling up serves best.

 

Fair enough! OP - to clarify (in case you don't know), he means double up on methods. Never ever ever use two condoms at once.

[HeartGoesOn]

Is it unreasonable for me to ask him to get the first round of condoms? I feel like he should have to also take the initiative to get protected. Is this being unreasonable?

 

No, it's not unreasonable for you to ask, however there should be an understanding that you're both in this together, as well as you're both equally responsible for the use of BC. If, at any point there's hesitation as to who buys what, when , where, or how etc, that would show a lack of responsibility, and not worth the overall risks involved.

 

Having said that, you should also have a plan of action if an unexpected pregnancy should occur. Either way, the bottom line is to be responsible, and avoid the risks at all costs.

[SilentLucidity]

I'm going to get back to the actual point. First off never have unprotected sex. Again I will say never have unprotected sex. That means you should be on birth control and condoms both. This is not doubling up. Birth control is designed to stop pregnancy. Condoms while also designed to prevent don't stop prevent pregnancy it helps prevent transmission of sexually transmitted diseases. Birth control pills will not guard you against sexually transmitted diseases. There should never be a question of who's responsible to supply condoms. It should never be up to the male or the female of who is responsible. If you don't have condoms then don't have sex it's really simple logic here. You can't say oh well we don't have condoms and just have sex. You are risking STDs and your life.

[Snny]

If you are planning to have sex, are you ok with potentially being a mom? Are you ok with sacrificing your future of going to college/trade school for a well paying job to support yourself if you get pregnant? Do you think your boyfriend of less than a year is mature and responsible enough to be a dad and help you through a pregnancy?

 

Even better: are you both financially ready for a baby? The average cost for a baby during the first year is $9k a year- and it goes up because the baby grows.

 

There is no rush to having sex- especially when you are a teenager. Because protection is never 100% guarantee- condoms break, you miss taking the pill, there are severe complications with BC impacting your health (I.e. migraine attacks). You are super fertile as a teenager and accidents DO happen.

 

 

Think this one very carefully. Personally I wouldn't jeopardize my future at 16 for some boyfriend who may/may not stick around.

[browser]

I'm thinking that in preparation for your first sexual experience, the question of "who spends $5 for a package of condoms" should be low on your list of priorities.

[browneyedgirl36]

I'm thinking that in preparation for your first sexual experience, the question of "who spends $5 for a package of condoms" should be low on your list of priorities.

 

I agree. You may be physically ready, in the sense that you physically want to do it, but...are you really, truly ready?

 

As someone who was a "late bloomer" (so to speak) and didn't have sex for the first time until much later than the average age, I don't regret my decision to wait at all. At 16 -- even 20 -- I could not have handled the potential emotional and/or physical repercussions (including pregnancy, an STD, or being emotionally distraught if the relationship didn't work out). Just be 100% sure you're OK with whatever happens. (I hope this won't sound condescending, but...at 16, I'm not sure one can be 100% certain about anything. Too much learning and growing yet to do!)

 

If you ARE sure -- or are just going to do it anyway -- then please use two forms of birth control (for the reasons other posters stated above). At your age, a baby is not a good idea, and having to make the decision whether to have one or not, should you get pregnant, would be really hard on you. While I agree that both parties are responsible for birth control, I also believe that, as the person who has the most risk (since you would be the one actually getting pregnant), it's important that you be vigilant and responsible for your own well-being. Sure, insist that he buy a package of condoms, but you should have one too -- just in case. When it comes to something this important, quibbling over who should provide the condoms is really pointless. What's important is that you have them, and use them, regardless of who bought them. I would, however, suggest that you make it abundantly clear to him that you're not doing it, under any circumstances, without them (even if you're on the pill).

 

Also: A lot of people say that this decision could mean the 'next 18 years of your life' but honestly, while 18 is the age that a parent (in the U.S., at least) stops being legally responsible for a kid, parenting is forever. Once you're a parent, you will ALWAYS be one. Just ask my mom, who is still trying to parent her 46 and 50-year old daughters!

[Fudgie]

Have you talked to him yet about this? You should. Discuss how you would both feel about an unwanted pregnancy...how would you deal?

 

Also, I agree with the doubling up unless you can afford a baby OR an abortion.

[j.man]

To clarify: When I say "doubling up," I mean one form of contraception each between the two of you, particularly while you're sexually inexperienced and there's plenty room for error. Apparently a lot of people use "double up" to refer to using two condoms or taking two pills, so I'd hate for that to be misinterpreted.

 

But, for sure, whether you get birth control yourself or not, don't let him go in bareback.

[Fudgie]

Oh yes, smart of you to mention that, j.man. Yes, doubling up involves 2 different methods at once.

 

Pill + condom is considered "best" because the pregnancy protection is great but condom also offers great STD protection.

 

condom + spermicide

 

Pill + spermicide

 

I know you're a little young now (16) but once you turn 17/18 or so, you can get other, more reliable birth control methods if you find that you are having trouble remembering to take a pill. Like an IUD (hormonal or not), or arm implant (lasts for 3 years). Planned Parenthood is great for these things.

[Snny]

I went to three different GYN offices for an IUD because I had severe migraine attacks from hormonal BC medication. It was so bad that I would have half of my body go numb during the attacks. The doctors denied giving me a non-hormonal IUD. Each GYN doctor told me that they don't want to give it to me until I have my first born because of the risk of infertility with the procedure, and how they do not want to be sued for malpractice.

 

I also had a friend who was on an IUD and was a nurse- she got pregnant while wearing it. Again, it's not 100% effective.

 

As for an implant, if you have negative reactions to hormone releases, that would be out of the question.

 

Please keep in mind folks that the poster is a minor. She is not ready to have sex if she is not in the position of accepting motherhood if she gets pregnant.

[Imnomermaid]

I just want to say thank you for everyone's input on this topic, it's much appreciated. However, I would like to quick clarify some things. What I originally was asking was whether or not I should have him supply the first round of condoms, as a way of determining that he is mature enough to practice safe sex. I'm already on birth control, I have been since may of 2016, and I've been diligent about taking it every morning at the same time. I'm fully aware of the risks, I know you can get pregnant, I know about STDs and so forth. My mother is raising twins as a result of birth control failure, and the father skipped out on her, so I'm also fully aware of how much work a child (Or multiples) is.

 

In the future, I have no problems going out to buy the condoms myself, I don't care who buys them as long as we have them, I have never cared about that. What I care about is knowing he is responsible enough to understand and take the initiative to practice safe sex, which could be shown by him providing condoms for the first time, then keeping his supply around while I keep mine around as well.

[Fudgie]

If you want him to use condoms, I would talk to him about sex beforehand. If you've been on birth control and have been good about taking it, he may assume "hey, she's a virgin, I'm a virgin, we don't need condoms". I would talk it out with him. Don't expect him to do it on his own because yes, many guys DO assume that if the girl is on BC and you're not at risk for STDs, then it's okay not to use a rubber. So please voice your desire for him to get a box of condoms and how you want him to take some responsibility too.