6 years. Now troubled!

[CraigL92]

Hi there!

 

I'm looking for some advice from someone that can point me in the right direction please?

 

I've been with my current girlfriend almost six years and within that time we've had our ups and downs but on a whole it's been an amazing relationship. we both think that! And we're planning (or we were) planning on moving in together for the next chapter of our relationship. Although there has been mistake on both sides, I know it's what I want. Basically, She had felt we had lost some 'spark' over the last few months and then we went on holiday together (for the first time) and the spark was amazing and I loved every second of that week away. We came back to the norm.. work ect. And it some what went down hill... long story short, she has been down recently and seems different to how she has always been.. She is a beautician (nail artist) and she's very busy with it been coming up to xmas and all that. I feel she had been getting stressed but I don't know for sure. Anyway, she recently said she didn't know if she loved me, which obviously crushed me but we carried on. A month or so later she made a 'big' mistake and went to a male friends house and one thing lead to another but she stopped it before it went shall we say, 'all the way'?

 

She came to my house the next day and burst into tears and told me what happened and I fell apart from it and she asked if 'we can fix this' and I said no at the time and then she burst into tears again.. left it a day or so and we started to somewhat work past it, or attempt it. We both said we can't imagine been with anyone else and to be honest apart from a mistake on my part of flirting with someone else early on in the relationship things have been so amazing and so much love has been felt on both sides.

 

Back on point, things have gone down hill again (in a space of 2 weeks since this happened) She has mentioned the love thing and that we have drifted apart and that the spark has gone, that's she's felt like this for a month or two, but just kept burying it. From my understanding this can be a common problem for a long term relationship. So we've had about 4 days off and then we had a big talk today. Back and forth of good and bad and covering a lot of ground but in the end she said that she needed a break and space to be alone and figure what she wants.

 

I tried to make her remember the good times and that we've been so good together and how at one point I felt the spark had gone but in time it just came back and that was a year or so ago.

 

So I felt left in the dark a little bit on where we are (I fully understand she wants space) but I don't know where I stand with it all and what I need to do.. I want to be with her so much and a week ago we were on the same page of that and now she's brought up the love word, the spark word and that she wants some space.

 

Can somebody please give me some advice on what I need to do to get us back on track?

 

Today since we've gone on a break I've wrongly smothered her with texts of how I feel and I know that isn't helping but I let my emotions run wild unfortunately.

 

What can I do?

How long do I leave her alone with her own space?

What can I do to get that spark back or I suppose try to on her half?

Can I save this relationship? I've come to terms with all that happened and I just want to move past it and be us like I feel we should be!

Looking at it from my side I feel like because we've buried that feeling she had and then the 'big' mistake happened she can't see past all of the bad things to see the good but I have reminded her of all that and she said she knows it all and remembers and we both agreed if we'd addressed the feeling before all this happened we'd still be together and happy.. Am I right in thinking she's really finding it hard to get past or come to terms with what has happened? Thanks a lot in advance.

 

Apologies if this seems jumbled up, I'm a little all over the place right now. X

[Wiseman2]

Wow sorry to hear this. The spark thing, the almost all the way guy, the space thing..it seems she's going through something.

 

It would be best to pull back completely and reflect on the recent past for clarity. Also going no contact allows her to think and not have you by her side while she does whatever she's doing. Tell her you need no contact to reflect.

 

No pleading, blowing up phones, convincing, asking why, etc. no friendzone, no post breakup hangouts, etc. She needs to see life without you and miss you.

[CraigL92]

Thank you for the reply.

 

I know.. it's not been a good few weeks. I was relieved in a sense because of how truthful she was and just came out with it, instead of attempting to hide it.

 

To be honest, when she said she needed space my heart sank. I just felt that it was a way out.. for the relationship to fade...But I'm hoping that the time apart will be a good thing for us, We've been here before (not under the same unfortunate circumstances) but I've told her I need a break from us because I wasn't happy with a lot of things in and out of the relationship but it didn't last all that long. 2 weeks and we'd reconciled.

 

We've been totally up front with each other and there's doesn't seem to be anything we haven't covered. Finding it some what hard to just not speak especially where we are right now but I know i need to respect her needs.

[MissCanuck]

This doesn't sound good.

 

How old are you both? You've been together a while to just be considering taking the next step now. Are you both on the younger side? I ask because maybe there were other factors (finishing school, for example) influencing the pace of the relationship, but it could also mean that she hasn't had much relationship or dating experience beyond you. Is that accurate?

 

It seems she is remorseful that she got close to another man, but she is also reflecting on what that means - i.e., that she doesn't have the right feelings for you any longer. What did she tell you happened between them? This is important because you should know if they were engaged in some type of emotional affair prior to that night. If that's the case, I think you need to consider the fact that she was actively hiding her behaviour from you. (I assume you had no suspicions about him before) It doesn't change the fact that she was inappropriately close to him, but you deserve to know if there was something more to this than just one night of lust.

 

I agree with Wiseman. Go radio silent on her, for your benefit. You need time and space too, so you can sort out how you feel. Perhaps this relationship has run its course.

[CraigL92]

Thanks for the advice!

 

We're both coming up to 25 years old, so we're way past school. Both in full time jobs (here requiring a lot more time and effort as it is her own business)

 

Well, we started as friend and met at around 16. She was with someone and so was I, both fizzled out and 2 years later we just started talking and it all blossomed from there. She was I a rather bad relationship before ours, controlling and all of that. But like I said, apart from the odd up and down.. the 6 year relationship has been completely bulletproof. (Both felt the exact same way on things, on how the relationship was progressing if that makes sense?

 

I can understand that. And in the six years, I have never had one doubt, not a single wonder of what she may be doing when we've not been together just because of how we have been with each other!

Basically, we have had the same pattern, Friday/Saturday she would stay at mine till Tuesday where she would leave for work. And the past month or I've felt we've got in a rut and started to just 'cruise control' with it all. And I guess the spark had dimmed a little. She had been down for a while with work stress, money issues. Not having our/her own place and I think she's just buried it all till now. Anyway, one night I got in from work(Monday) and fell asleep woke up to her not been there(she would usually go and run errands and prepare herself for her week at work) I text her about 6? To see what she was doing and if she was coming back to which she said along the lines off 'I'm going to stop at home, I feel so down' so left it at that really didn't see it as I big deal as I've done the same, distanced myself cause I felt down. Comes to the next day, I see her and she broke down. Told me that she stop was going to go see her close friend, which I believe but couldn't do went to the gym to be busy, anyway turns out she stopped at whoevers house from the gym that she had got friendly with (literally just a friend) He said she looked upset and asked if she wanted to talk so she did. Went back there.. Talked, her made a move and kissed her then pretty much went straight to sex but she stopped it.

 

She came straight out with all of it and that she'd made the biggest mistake of her life and that she doesn't understand how she could f**k up so badly, very distraught. And said she doesn't feel like she had lead him on or anything or that's he flirted with him.

 

Fast forward a day or so, We went over it all again and in the end she asked 'can we fix this' we decided to try make it work. Said we wanted each other, couldn't imagine been apart and that she knew I truly cared for her and that she was so distraught about what had happened because it isn't something she'd do.. I know that gets said a lot but it truly isn't. I feel she's more distraught than I am about it.

 

So anyway now she has been, as she puts it 'over thinking' Has had so many questions for herself and has gotten even more upset. And in the end she said I need to be by myself to figure myself out and fix myself. I get that, I did ask if we could take it slow and see what happens and she said, that she wants it to work but didn't think it would work right now.

 

So I'm left lost on it, in some aspects.. how can we go from 'can we fix this' & 'I can't imagine been without each other' to this?

 

I understand how she's feeling and how we've got to this point.. burying things instead of just talking about it. Like I said to her, if we had of spoke about us feeling in a rut and the spark dimming we could have worked on it and still be happily together now. Like a lot of couples do!

 

That's the thing, i get i need time too but I feel like I know what I want.. how we have been for six years and seeing a life for us and us both feeling that way. I know 25 is quite young in some ways but for me.. we're very mature. Not big on partying or drinking or anything like that. Even recently we've felt like we've out grown our friends group because the are still very in that stage.

 

Apologies for the essay!

[CraigL92]

I understand all things end but I feel this should not be it, regarding the 'maybe it's run it's course'

 

I feel like if we leave it like we have before we could start to rebuild. And get that spark back.. as been in relationships before. (1 been a year and the other around 2) When they were coming to an end I knew but We've both never felt connected to someone like We do with each other. I know only time will tell on that but..

 

Like we leave it with no contact. Realise there's something there. How can I build on the spark and 'take her breath away' let's say haha!

[MissCanuck]

One thing to be clear on, this other guy is not just a friend. If so, how did it transpire that she wound up at his house -alone - after feeling so down and taking time away from you? It's much more likely that they've been talking for a little while, there was some mutual flirting, and she wanted to explore those feelings. That could also explain why she seemed down and in a rut. I don't doubt there were other stresses at play, but I think you would also find that she's been struggling with her feelings for you and him and buried that too. You felt connected to her, but she obviously was not feeling the same way any longer. She could have talked to you about it, yes. But think about the choice she made instead: going to lean on some other guy's shoulder, and they just happened to wind up "almost" having sex.

 

You can't build a spark and take her breath away right now. She's not in the right head space for it, and likely won't be receptive to your efforts. She's already got one foot out the door. It should be the other way around anyway, with her making the effort, since she is the one who cheated. Is she currently still talking to this guy? Have they seen each other, or are they planning to? (That you know of)

 

I would go radio silent right now. She needs to see what life is like without you in it. Don't go chasing after her, don't go begging. She wants space, so give her miles of it. This isn't some move out of spite, but rather to protect yourself too. What if you come to find out that during this break, while you've been trying to convince her to come back, she's been seeing her new friend? I would bet any money he knows you two are on hiatus right now and he's probably trying to get her to come back for a "talk." She may or not be interested, but her feelings for him confused her enough to call a time-out on you. She knows how you feel. Let her sit with her own feelings for a little while.

 

Unfortunately, though you both might be a mature 25, you still don't have a lot of experience with other people. For some, that's fine, but the temptation was clearly too strong for her to ignore. You don't need to be into drinking and partying to not be ready to commit to one person forever.

 

Don't do the Pick Me dance. If she comes back, it has to be because she truly misses you, and is remorseful for cheating. If she doesn't do these things, then it was coming to an end anyway.

[browser]

Trying to get the dumper to "remember the good times" is a waste of time and can be counterproductive.

 

Why?

 

Because the good times have nothing to do with NOW which is about how they feel about you NOW not when they were ziplining through the Himalayas during that great vacation or wherever you might have gone and had a great time. If anything trying to get her to remember the good times, which is a subtle way of saying "You really don't want to leave me you're not thinking clearly" is an attempt to manipulate or coerce or persuade your partner to change their feelings for you and because it comes across as nagging or even an attempt to control, it will pressure them and push them further away.

 

As far as her "not going all the way" with the other guy.. no comment.

 

Well ok I'll comment. Odds are she went all the way. She has every reason to lie and there is no reason to trust her, since she's got one foot out the door and she's testing the waters.

 

Best thing for you to do is back off and leave her alone. Maybe she'll reconsider once she's got the chance to be without you pressuring her to stick around.