Why am I flirting?

[HeatherM]

I'm married, happily married, to the most amazing man but 4 months ago I felt the desire to sign up to a dating website. I had no intention of meeting anyone and I even created a fake profile but the act of flirting and receiving male attention in a 'harmless' environment was kind of addictive. I'm not sure what I set out to achieve but it made me feel like a giddy school girl again and I just couldn't help myself despite the fact that I was leading these guys up the garden path.

I got talking to a great guy who was not only funny and charming and charismatic but we had plenty in common and we just hit it off. It was fun getting to know him and we could just talk for hours about anything and everything. I knew what I was doing was wrong but again I couldn't pull myself away. He was in America so no fear of having to meet up and the time zones and busy jobs meant we just never got round to face timing which I'd never have agreed to since I was Cat-fishing! We were deliriously happy in our bubble and I just never found the strength to admit my lies. Now 4 months later I've "broken things off" with the guy and told him it won't progress any further. I feel terrible to the point of being depressed about it. I feel I don't deserve my lovely husband and I've ed about with another lovely man's feelings...for what purpose?

I feel better for ending the flirting and putting a stop to it, however late it may be, but the intense feeling of guilt and emotional distress at what I've done is difficult to swallow. I feel like I'm going through a bad break up at the same time as feeling angry with myself for causing all of this as well as being ashamed of myself.

I'm not looking for sympathy and believe me, I don't need to be told how despicable my actions have been. I simply want to try to understand why I did it in the first place and ensure I never do anything like it again. Has anyone else ever been through this or can you offer any views?

[ThatwasThen]

I would think that the fact that you feel guilty and you know that your actions are "despicable" that that alone would keep you from going down that garden path again. No?

 

So: What's going on inside of your head that makes you want to have this kind of attention from other men?

 

Tell us, how long have you been married and for how long have you felt that you're not getting your emotional needs met at home? What ever it is, is not a reason to do what you did but it is an excuse you gave yourself to carry on in it.

[browser]

Where's your husband when you're talking to this person for hours and hours?

[Wiseman2]

As you know catfishing people on dating sites is not cool. Clearly you either lack attention or need excessive attention. Are you bored or lonely in your marriage?

I even created a fake profile but the act of flirting and receiving male attention in a 'harmless' environment was kind of addictive. I'm not sure what I set out to achieve but it made me feel like a giddy school girl again.

[browser]

Clearly you either lack attention or need excessive attention. Are you bored or lonely in your marriage?

 

Ya think?

 

...

[HeatherM]

I've been married for 6years and we've been together for 11. I'm so confused because my husband is so attentive and tells me every day multiple times how perfect I am and how he loves me. I love him too so why have I suddenly become a cow?

[browser]

why have I suddenly become a cow?

 

Now that is a question for a competent and caring therapist.

[SherrySher]

You don't seem to appreciate a good and loyal and loving husband, well pass him over to one of us, cause many of us are searching for just that and we won't be playing games online effing with other men.

You also faked your intentions with this other man just to boost your ego and take from him what you could, all the while knowing you were lying and using him.

A therapist would be a start as would be actually treating human beings fairly. What you did was not only selfish but completely disrespectful, you did cheat on your husband, it's called emotional cheating, (look it up).

[Wiseman2]

I thought it was catfish? so why have I suddenly become a cow?

[RainyCoast]

you're not a cow, but it would be wise to see a professional to find out why you felt so emotionally malnourished despite husband's attention, and why you needed the validation so much you were willing to go get it in such a way.

 

in what ways was this man's attention different from the attention your husband gives you?

[Broomwood]

I think after 11 years with someone things do become quite stale and predictable. You want excitement, fun and perhaps, challenge.

Your husband needs to keep a woman like you on her toes. How to do that, is the question you need to ponder.

[j.man]

It's also often the case that someone who relies on novelty in romance to keep their life spiced up doesn't have enough going on other than the marriage. What kind of hobbies are you pursuing? Do you have friends you're active with?

[MissCanuck]

I would wager you are bored with your husband. Are you?

[ParisPaulette]

So other than having a great marriage, what else do you have going for you in life? I ask that, because it sounds like you really don't have a full life outside of being married. Or you wouldn't be feeling the need for validation and attention and you wouldn't have had the time to sneak around and flirting and carrying on with other men online and yes, toying with the idea of cheating. Don't say you weren't. The whole "I never intended to cheat" line when on dating sites is akin to those guys caught with Playboys who then try to say, "I just read it for the articles."

 

But what it sounds like is you're bored, you have no goals and directions or something that you are doing that's an accomplishment for you or a reason to get out of bed in the morning. And we all need that. People are not going to be fulfilled only and solely by a marriage or having a partner, I'm sorry to tell you. I know it's what society tells us "all you need is love" right? Wrong, we're built to do and accomplish and have far, far more than just one thing only.

 

Take this as a wakeup call that you need to get out of your head, and get into life and start accomplishing something for yourself. Go back to school, take art classes, take up a hobby, something - but looking for fulfillment in strangers is just going to get you hurt and your husband who honestly doesn't need that. Feel guilty sure, but maybe you should just take a look at why you had so much free time in the first place. It sounds like you went looking for something missing in your life and that isn't always about having a person around to make you feel all giddy and new sex.

[HeatherM]

Thanks so much everyone. I needed to hear your thoughts and I appreciate the full responses rather than just a tirade of abuse. Believe me, I'm punishing myself enough and I've definately stopped and now considered what I've been doing to hurt others. I think part of it may be a lack of spice in our sex life but the hugest part I've come to realise is that actually, I don't really have a social circle. My life revolves around work and my husband and I'm happy with both for the large part but you guys are right, I think I need to get out more and live life a little bit more TOGETHER with my gorgeous husband. I haven't told him what I've done because he's the most beautiful person and I don't want to destroy him or what we have because of a moment of madness but I've spoken to him about how I'm feeling - yes I should have done that in the first place but it took my mess up for me to fully realise something is wrong- and I feel a bit clearer in my head and better for getting my feelings out in the open.

[HeatherM]

So after reading your thoughts and doing a lot of thinking about my actions I think I'm clear on why I felt the need to emotionally cheat on my husband. Well, I can at least come up with some probable causes and have already taken steps to address it.

I've thought about the pain I've caused the other guy non-stop and I feel sick to my stomach so I just want to put that right now too. I've told the guy that I don't want to continue chatting to him and that I'm putting an end to it but he has continued to message me and try to persuade me to carry on. Bear in mind that he doesn't know I'm married and is completely oblivious to my disgusting behaviour...

So since I've "broken it off" I haven't replied to his messages. I've spoken to my husband about my feelings and concentrated on him like I should have done all along and thought that it was best to leave the other guy alone to get on with his life. I feel like I've said all I have to say to the guy in terms of making it clear we have no future but it's difficult to read someone's constant stream of messages and not reply. I feel like if I reply I'm opening up that communication again and making things worse but at the same time all I can think of is this guy hurting.

What's the right thing to do? Answer him and tell him again that its not going any further or just let sleeping dogs lie and he'll eventually accept it and move on?

I know I should have considered everyones feelings before I got myself into this mess but I want to start the year off on the right path and close this issue. Any advice greatly appreciated.

[RainyCoast]

yeah i wouldn't tell him. honesty is nice but i had this habit of making it absolute and it was disastrous. now i figure if i'm saying it, i need to know who and what i'm saying it for. if it's just to have my say or to make myself feel better, it's self-serving. the words may be honest, but when the motive isn't, what's the point. and what are the effects of saying it. if i conclude noone will be the better for hearing it, i'm keeping my silence.

 

i do think having a purpose and feeling like what you do in life (whether profesionally, socially or as a hobby) makes a difference and is gratifying to you, it amounts to so much validation it doesn't occur to you to only seek some for the "desirable female role".

 

have you come up with ideas of expanding your social circle? like volunteering or a hobby or something?

 

happy 2017!

[shellyf62]

Send him a message telling him it is over and there is no chance of anything ever happening & you are blocking him. Then do it & try & save your marriage.

[Usa1ah]

The guilt will eat you up. Tell your husband what you have done. Then heal together.

 

You cheated emotionally on your husband. You need to talk and be honest with him. If only go keep you from doing it again in the future. Also talk with your mom or sister about it. They can help keep you on the right path.

[Usa1ah]

Tell him why it is over. Then block him.

 

STOP GOING TO THE THE SITE.

 

STOP READING WHAT HE IS SAYING.

 

Not yelling at you but you need to realize. Until you stop all communication with the OM you can not fix your marriage. Trust me when I say, your husband already knows something is up.

 

If he is attentive to you as you say, he knows already something is not right.

[Unreasonable]

I think it's natural to want to feel desirable to people other than your spouse. That's why you did it. To feel like you "still got it."

 

The question is do you act on it? Obviously as a person in a committed relationship you shouldn't. I can't tell you how to ensure it never happens again other than remind you that we are not animals and are (or at least should be) in control of our impulses. If you can't, then I think you need to see a personal therapist.

[ParisPaulette]

I would simply block the guy, stop going to the site, delete everything. Don't tell him you're married, now he has blackmail material and can come after you on a whole new level. There's something a bit weird already that you never even met the guy and he's this fixated and trying to get you to keep talking to him. Adding information that you are then going to trust him to keep to himself? Yeah, that's a loaded bomb you're just handing the guy and telling him, "Please, don't let this go off in my face, even though you could use it to force me to stay in contact or hurt my entire world."

 

Delete your entire profile, anything connected to it, and move forward. I'm glad we helped, now don't make things worse by handing damaging information to someone who is already being irrational. And I say irrational, because if he's never met you why on earth is he this clingy this early in? That's just a red flag no matter what the circumstances are.

 

Delete the profile, log off, get into life with your husband.

[SherrySher]

You don't owe the man on the dating site anything, he doesn't know you or know that you lied to him. he is being a bit strange for being so clingy when you've not even met. That's not a compliment by the way, he could be desperate or have stalker tendencies.

Why are you still on the site looking and carrying on? That's still considered part of the whole emotional cheating you know,.. you are allowing yourself to stay connected to another man other than your husband.

Stop wondering, delete, be loyal to your husband and focus on his needs now!