Do Wandering Eyes Tell Lies?

[Chelsers]

I've been with my bf since Oct.'15. I know he's the one. He is so good to me, helps take care of me when I can't take care of myself. He showers me with love, affection and support. We plan our future together.

 

The one and only conflict we continuously run into is his wandering eyes. We argue maybe once every month or every other month. I believe he has an addiction to porn. He looks at it alot.... I mean a lot! It's mostly just nudes of women online, not so much porn. He also checks out other women when he's with me. He tries to not make it known, hes not out there hollering at women like I've experienced from men. But often times I do notice his eyes wandering to other women, girls from age 16 to whatever, as long as she's attractive. I ask him to refrain from checking out other women in front of me.

 

Everytime I bring up that I noticed his eyes wandering, or that I've seen the dozens of nudes he Google's online, we get in a big fight. If I ask him a question about it, he always lies to me that he hasn't done that. He looses his temper, always. I usually stay pretty calm, but I always end up crying. He always apologizes. I don't ask him about it anymore because he'll just lie about it. I let him know that it hurts me, and I don't understand why he continues to do this when it hurts me. He says it's a natural compulsion that men endure. But he's the first guy I've dated where this has been an issue. The last time we argued he told me that I just have to get over it because he loves me.

 

This is his first serious relationship. This is my third. I have endured horrible things from men... Lying, cheating, emotional abuse and rape. I lost a baby a few years ago, my then bf of 4 yrs kicked me out of his house a week later (on Valentine's day). I've been an unknown affair to married men... 3 times.

 

This is the ONLY issue we have in our relationship. Am I being overly jealous? I feel like it is more disrespectful than anything. And makes me feel like I am not enough to sustain his pleasure. Sometimes I wonder if my past has done such a number on me, that I am subconsciously, slowly killing the only good relationship I've had. I'm not very good at psychoanalyzing myself. He has gotten better, does not do it as much. But when he does, we still argue. Please, some advice..

[Wiseman2]

Try not to exaggerate this into drama. He's not deeply wounding you. It's at most rude when it's done around you. Try not to drag your previous bad choices in to spice up the drama aspect.

 

Deal with those issues separately through counseling. Your past choices and his current behavior are unrelated. Now that he knows it's rude drop it.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't understand why he continues to do this when it hurts me.

Probably because he's a red blooded male who appreciates the fine turn of a ankle (as my Dad used to put it).

 

Why do you watch him to see what he's doing when YOU see a good looking woman?

Why does him looking at other women make you feel insecure? He is with you and if he's not doing anything suspicious with other women then shouldn't you feel that you can trust him?

What is going on with you that you feel threatened as you do of two dimensional photos and other attractive women?

 

Its normal to find others attractive even when we are in a relationship. We don't lose the ability to appreciate beauty just because we are taken. Its how we handle ourselves and respect the relationship and our partner in general that is important. He's not disrespecting you by stealing a glance here and there. If you can accept that fact... then you will be a lot less angst ridden and a whole lot happier in general.

 

I've been an unknown affair to married men... 3 times.

Surely you have bee ignoring the red flags just to continue on in a relationship with these chucklers. There are ALWAYS red flags flying from married twits who are stepping out.

[browser]

The porn isn't the biggest issue, it's the fact that he lies about it.

 

Dishonesty is never a good thing in a relationship and it usually points towards bigger problems.

[ThatwasThen]

The porn isn't the biggest issue, it's the fact that he lies about it.

 

Dishonesty is never a good thing in a relationship and it usually points towards bigger problems.

 

People will lie when there is this level of insecurity. They lie to avoid the histrionics. It is certainly a sign of bigger problems only because her insecurity and jealousy will cause him to bolt, eventually. Not too many people can handle this kind of drama as a steady diet and lie to avoid it. Looking is no reason for the OP to be this bothered by it.

[browser]

People will lie when there is this level of insecurity. They lie to avoid the histrionics. It is certainly a sign of bigger problems only because her insecurity and jealousy will cause him to bolt, eventually. Not too many people can handle this kind of drama as a steady diet and lie to avoid it. Looking is no reason for the OP to be this bothered by it.

 

I'm not disagreeing with you in the least.

[limichelle]

Sure the looking must be annoying but you are viewing it much larger then it already is. I think you need to sort out your past issues to be fair to this relationship.

[j.man]

He has gotten better, does not do it as much. But when he does, we still argue.

Looks like the guy can't win.

 

If I were in his shoes, I'd bring a pair of binoculars and shamelessly just look at a woman right in front of you. Not even an attractive one. May as well.

[Wiseman2]

I'd bring a pair of binoculars and shamelessly just look at a woman right in front of you. Not even an attractive one.

 

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[s1ffre76]

This is something that my ex used to accuse me of & I wasn't even doing it!! I can honestly say that there was no monkey necking involved when we went out together or when I was on my own. Yeah sure I looked around. Who doesn't? I look where I'm going & I look at people, but I don't check them out or ogle them. It caused huge problems in our relationship & then turned into a complete lack of trust in me, leading to her believing I was having an affair among other things.

In the end I just snapped. I just couldn't take it anymore on top of my own worries & stresses regarding work & my Dad dying. The arguments got more & more, & I got more angry. Arguments became shouting & screaming & swearing. Her attitude was to then ignore me for weeks (we lived together btw). It killed the relationship, & it all started from her jealousy & lack of trust in me.

 

I would just let it go. He's yours. He doesn't want anyone else or he would have gone, & if you're not careful he will go or you will separate over the stress of it all

[catfeeder]

Everytime I bring up that I noticed his eyes wandering, or that I've seen the dozens of nudes he Google's online, we get in a big fight.

 

So skip bringing it up. You already know the outcome of that, so doing the same thing over and over won't bring a new result.

 

If he ever uses porn in place of having a good, loving and sexual relationship with you, that's when it becomes a problem, and that's when you have a valid complaint about his activities impacting you. Otherwise, it's over-controlling and detrimental to expect anyone to not look at other people--I do it all the time, and so does everybody else. People watching is an innate behavior. Porn, on the other hand, can be used as a substitute for relating to a lover. If that happens, come back to discuss it, but given your stellar relationship, I'd quit before you ruin that and lose it.

 

You can't 'undo' past nagging, but you can control your own impulses to nag going forward, and you can work with a therapist to discover and address whatever private issues are prompting you to sabotage what you have with this guy.

 

Head high.