What should i do?

[M13]

Okay so.. I was in a LDR relationship with a girl ( same sex relationship) for a year and 8 months. Shes 19 now,im 21. I visited her in Australia a few months back and it was amazing but when I got back,things started changing and we started fighting and I was too pushy and jealous. I wanted us to make a plan for the future and she kept saying she doesnt know how to.

 

The thing is, she's moving to Sydney soon and starting uni and wed be even further apart but i was making plans to go to Sydney eventually. Anyway. The fights got too much and she broke up with me almlst two months ago. She said the fights were too much and that she lost all feelings,not just for me but that she just went numb( this happened once before but its different) . I of course,was completely shattered and i was fighting for her and i said some nasty things and she said nasty things too and it was kinda bad.

 

 

We stopped talking at the begging of December i think, 2 days before her birthday. We didn't speak for like 10 days and then i called to see whats up. She said she feels better because shes not stressing anymore but said she still feels numb and lonely,but that's shes been going out and smoking weed a lot and i guess just bottling it all up. I dont wanna make this too long but, she did say she doesn't want a relationship anymore and she even said she slept with some other girl she met a club which crushed mr. I was her first and she was always insecure with her body and to think shr can just sleep with someone two weeks after the breakup was really hard to hear. I found out 2 days ago.

 

 

Before all that happened i called her and apologized for everything i did in the relationship and said id be her friend when shes ready and then she called me on Christmas,acting all nice( every conversation we had before shed be cold and angry)saying shes wearing my underwear and that the towel i used while inwas there is still hanging there,and then the next day she kept texting ,wanting to be friends. I of course wasnt really ready.

 

Anyway few days later,i found out she slept with someone,i asked her,she was hesitant but then said she got super drunk and all that . I asked if it meant anything and i got all panicky and really upset,saying she's probably already dating the other chick but she kept saying she doesn't have any feelings for her or for anything or anyone and that she wouldn't start a relationship cause shes moving,and that the girl is just a friend.

 

 

Apperantly shes a 18year old stripper ( i have to say,im one of those good looking lesbians,and the stripper does not compare to me at all and i don't understand how she slept with her and for a while I thought she might be lying but idk) yesterday i texted her saying i cant believe she did that already and that i can't believe she's already into some new and that she changed so much and i just couldn't believe. And she replied saying' i love how you think you know everything. You have no idea what's going on with my life,and i dont have feelings for someone else. Yes i changed and im cold and i cant fakr feelings i dont have. My life is changing so much and im going through a rough time' SOMETHING along those lines.

 

 

I just need opinions guys,she seems to be over me and but she still wanted to be friends which is not gonna happen. I also told her i hooked up even though i didnt cause im not there yet but she believes I have someone. I feel like the whole moving to Sydney thing is making her so nervous and i feel like she never processed the breakuo,even tho she says she went through in thr last months of our relationship. But then again she keeps saying shes having a hard time and she doesn't feel anything. Like if someone tells her a joke she cant laugh cause she doesn't feel happines or sadness or anything.

 

And this happened to her before and the worst part is,i feel like she contected that to our break up,when theres a lot more going on. Shes moving and her whole life is gonna change and i dont think she realizes that. Shes been drinkong,smoking,and repressing. I don't know, obviously i still want her but i told her i dont want her in ny life anymore,i cant look at her the same way when she slept with someone. Maybe when she moves and her feelings sink in,and she wont be able to distract herself with drugs and alcohol,maybe she understands.

 

She really hurt me in the process and a part of me hopes shes gonna understand what she lost because i still stuck by her and didnt wanna leave but theres no way i can stay now. I told her to stay out of my life and blocked her so i can heal,and she messaged me saying im sorry for everything , i hope soon you'll realize im only human. I feel like she thinks moving to Sydney will solve all her problems ,her numbness and everything and i just dont see that happening. She completely blocked out any feelings towards me or our relationship,and i made peace with it. I don't really kniw what to do,but i know i cant keep in touch because I always get hurt. She seems so different and just months before she was saying we were soulmates and all that. And now it's nothing and shes not acting like herself at ALL. Any advice?

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

That's quite a word fort.

 

Break it up into readable paragraphs and you will get more replies

[M13]

Thanks. Any advice?

[Broomwood]

At this stage, it doesn't seem as though there's future for you two. First, you both are very young and green. Second, she's traumatised - numbness, drinking till drunk, smoking weed, sleeping around with people. Third, she'll soon be hundred miles away. And forth, she doesn't want a relationship with you or anyone at this stage. To make it work, you guys need to be in the same location, more mature, wanting a relationship with each other, and willing to change. You - to become less pushy and aggressive. Her - to process her feelings and tell them to you or a shrink, and not getting drunk and doped.

 

Presuming you were those soulmates, still I don't believe in just one soulmate. There are other people you'd be attracted to. Question is, if you continue with your behaviour, possibly nothing good can come out of those relationships either. So maybe take time to work on yourself as well as heal.. I don't know what else to add.

[M13]

At this stage, it doesn't seem as though there's future for you two. First, you both are very young and green. Second, she's traumatised - numbness, drinking till drunk, smoking weed, sleeping around with people. Third, she'll soon be hundred miles away. And forth, she doesn't want a relationship with you or anyone at this stage. To make it work, you guys need to be in the same location, more mature, wanting a relationship with each other, and willing to change. You - to become less pushy and aggressive. Her - to process her feelings and tell them to you or a shrink, and not getting drunk and doped.

 

Presuming you were those soulmates, still I don't believe in just one soulmate. There are other people you'd be attracted to. Question is, if you continue with your behaviour, possibly nothing good can come out of those relationships either. So maybe take time to work on yourself as well as heal.. I don't know what else to add.

 

Yeah i agree and I realized my mistakes and I definitely know what I shouldn't do anymore but shes suddenly so determined she doesn't want a relationship and that she doesn't feel anything and like that. Im not gonma contact her again and i guess i have to accept her for who she is now and process this.

[Broomwood]

To go from being in love, I suppose she was with you, to a state of numbness, some serious trigger needs to fire. In this case, I guess, her boundaries got violated. You see, first it gets very very painful, and then numbness kicks in as a self preserving mechanism. I know because I have this too. The numbness can go for a long time, but underneath it, there's a very sensitive and scared child. Also, I must add, when and if the numbness lifts, she will contact you, like you said she did. Because she still has feelings for you, they are just blocked for now. You'll be angry, "What The Flip?!" and this will push her back into her state. And so forth. That's not a nice game. Because you're not getting numb too. So do stay away from it because there are other factors working against you two now.

[M13]

That is exactly what happened. And she's always guarded with me now so.. I'll step back for a while and hope it goes away and maybe we can have a normal conversation sometime cause all we do is fight because she takes everything as an attack due to the previous fights we had. I cant force her into seeing id be different so ehh ,what can I do

[Broomwood]

Look, you can do a lot of things to turn things around if you had the time and the inclination. I don't think you have time, but suppose you did. The first thing you do is you try and understand this girl completely. You put yourself in her shoes, live through the traumatising childhood she had that makes her get drunk, smoke weed and sleep around. You live through the fights with you, and how it made her feel. And then you decide consciously to forgive all of what she supposedly done to you, all the injustice etc. You try and feel compassion for her, understanding and love. When you're in this state there won't be any anger or upset in you, and this is critical. So now you need to communicate this to her through intonation of your voice, choice of words, inflection, speed etc. etc. When you speak to her from a place of anger and upset, she picks up on it, even if you are not making any direct threats - and gets to her state again. When you communicate from a place of love and care, and from the place of wanting the best for her without asking for anything back, she'll start thawing out. When we love someone we want to make them happy. Now is your job to make her happy. You can ask her out. And when together, you try and stick to your new line whatever she says or does. You're trying to be giving without asking for anything back. And you do this a few times. If you're genuine, she'll thaw out.

[M13]

Look, you can do a lot of things to turn things around if you had the time and the inclination. I don't think you have time, but suppose you did. The first thing you do is you try and understand this girl completely. You put yourself in her shoes, live through the traumatising childhood she had that makes her get drunk, smoke weed and sleep around. You live through the fights with you, and how it made her feel. And then you decide consciously to forgive all of what she supposedly done to you, all the injustice etc. You try and feel compassion for her, understanding and love. When you're in this state there won't be any anger or upset in you, and this is critical. So now you need to communicate this to her through intonation of your voice, choice of words, inflection, speed etc. etc. When you speak to her from a place of anger and upset, she picks up on it, even if you are not making any direct threats - and gets to her state again. When you communicate from a place of love and care, and from the place of wanting the best for her without asking for anything back, she'll start thawing out. When we love someone we want to make them happy. Now is your job to make her happy. You can ask her out. And when together, you try and stick to your new line whatever she says or does. You're trying to be giving without asking for anything back. And you do this a few times. If you're genuine, she'll thaw out.

 

She texted me laat night,saying 'just wanna say happy new year, hope youre okay.' Its a bit annoying because she knows how much she hurt me and shes fine. I dont know how else to try for her. How did she turn out to be a completely different person is just beyond me. I chased her for almost 2 months ,i think I ought to stop now and hope she's gonna realize things on her own..

[IAmFCA]

If she were "fine " she would not have texted at all.

[M13]

I guess.. She's really confusing. We had something intense and to think its all gone on her side seems strange. But i also dont wanna have any false hope you know?

[IAmFCA]

You are expecting certain things from her and judging her for acting differently. Your judgment of her, your focus on who/how she is, your anger - all of that is your defense against feeling pain.

 

The truth is, she is clearly in pain, and overwhelmed by the move to uni soon - something she described to you yet you still don't get it. The stripper was the same as weed and alcohol, something that distracted her from having to feel, nd tht gavethe illusion of feeling good. She said she can't get into relationship knowing she will be moving. She feels unstable, like the ground beneath her feet is uncertain.

 

You can see this from her behavior and from her words also. She learned that emotions are overwhelming and must have experienced some intense pain early on. Her emotions are overwhelming. Her fear of rejection and abandonment is overwhelming. Going numb and staying numb by partying as if nothing matters - this is a way for her to avoid pain and fear.

 

Instead of judging her, try this: Let's say weare wrong, and we don't understand her at all. So what? You clearly want the security of a steady relationship, and she clearly isn't prepared to be in one. This makes her an unsuitable match for you.

 

Now, turn the spotlight onto yourself. You and she have the same problem. Oneof you is trying to run away from responsibility, and the other one is trying to commit to it as if it will anchor her whole life.

 

Let it go.

 

Learn to commit to the process, not the outcome.

 

I suspect the idea of a commitment is giving you a sense of security, and you blame her for taking that away. But she didn't do that to you. You did it to yourself, by using her as among your sources of stability.

 

Stability has to come from within you. When someone else is one of the legs of your stool, they will wobble because it is too much weight for anyone else to bear.

[M13]

You are expecting certain things from her and judging her for acting differently. Your judgment of her, your focus on who/how she is, your anger - all of that is your defense against feeling pain.

 

The truth is, she is clearly in pain, and overwhelmed by the move to uni soon - something she described to you yet you still don't get it. The stripper was the same as weed and alcohol, something that distracted her from having to feel, nd tht gavethe illusion of feeling good. She said she can't get into relationship knowing she will be moving. She feels unstable, like the ground beneath her feet is uncertain.

 

You can see this from her behavior and from her words also. She learned that emotions are overwhelming and must have experienced some intense pain early on. Her emotions are overwhelming. Her fear of rejection and abandonment is overwhelming. Going numb and staying numb by partying as if nothing matters - this is a way for her to avoid pain and fear.

 

Instead of judging her, try this: Let's say weare wrong, and we don't understand her at all. So what? You clearly want the security of a steady relationship, and she clearly isn't prepared to be in one. This makes her an unsuitable match for you.

 

Now, turn the spotlight onto yourself. You and she have the same problem. Oneof you is trying to run away from responsibility, and the other one is trying to commit to it as if it will anchor her whole life.

 

Let it go.

 

Learn to commit to the process, not the outcome.

 

I suspect the idea of a commitment is giving you a sense of security, and you blame her for taking that away. But she didn't do that to you. You did it to yourself, by using her as among your sources of stability.

 

Stability has to come from within you. When someone else is one of the legs of your stool, they will wobble because it is too much weight for anyone else to bear.

 

 

Im trying to understand her side but its difficult to get usd to her cold and angry behavior after almost 2 years love and affection. And i put my all into the relationship and now she pulled away and as much as i know i have to let go,theres so much thats just haunting me and wont let me move on. I know its a process. A long one. But i cant let go of the person i know she is when shes able to feel things and its like im waiting for her to come back and understand her actions when i know thats most likely not gonna happen. Its a constant battle between my heart and my mind. And it hurts me to see her like this. She keeps doing those things and then admits to being numb and lonely instead of working through it,and i feel like if she did work through it,we'd be okay. But then again,Im no longer what she wants ,not as a partner. And its hard to accept. And i try and try but i still want her. And she contacts me from time to time and automatically i think;oh she cares, and i get my hopes up only to get incredibly hurt and surprised by her tone and what shes doing. I didnt respond to her latest text and won't respond to anything she sends unless its about us. I'm scared to let her go and it kills me. And ah, she's moving, she's super young and im her first. I dont know what I expected,of course shes gonna want other people and the whole grass is greener scenario. If only i had the same mentality

[IAmFCA]

Why are you scared to let her go

[M13]

Because im in love with her. Pathetic right

[M13]

She called today and i didnt know it was her, I answered and then i heard her voice and hung up. I don't understand why she calls. She made it clear she doesn't wanna be with me .

[Broomwood]

But we have just elaborately explained to you why she calls, what she is feeling, and what is she going through. What is pathetic is that you still don't get it.