The news I feared most

[Ifeelsodown]

Hi everyone, I'm new to the forum. What I'm about to talk about will be lengthy but I really really appreciate your time whoever is reading this, if you were to read all of it and maybe even reply with your thoughts.

So here we go..

 

I was with a girl (my first true love) for 5 years. We were both decent people and she is very switched on and has a lot going for her, in her mid twenties me also, and she runs her own business. We met and got together after many months when I was 17.

 

Almost a year ago we broke up for good, she pulled the trigger ultimately and I suffered the most. We were living together in a flat owned by her parents (she's still there) and it didn't work out. It hadn't for a long time (relationship got worse over the last 2 years) and she didn't tell me for a long time that she didn't love me anymore. However, she still put in some effort for me and we would hug kiss ect still, not a lot of sex though towards the end. (She always wanted it if I offered) that's more my fault.

 

I moved out of the flat around late January early Feb 2016 and she oversaw that I had gone. Christmas was rough, we argued about arrangements and didn't see each other much. Pretty much as I left, I'd still been trying to resolve it with her so that we could try again or discuss what went wrong ect but she wouldn't budge and decided she couldn't take anymore. (The first time I was going before and then I managed to stay for a couple of weeks)

 

We had texted a lot after I left and it was hard work. She wasn't budging. She agreed to meet.

We sat down face to face (at my request) and we talked and she told me she didn't love me anymore or feel anything for me anymore but I cried heavily and she looked so sad for me. She told me i really do feel bad for you but I'm sorry i can't give you what you want. She definitely felt it there and then. She felt bad and told me so but tried to make me laugh a little. But she'd made her mind up. She said we could be close friends and maybe a few months down the line I could hang out with her at the flat.

 

Shortly afterward like a few days or so we spoke a tiny bit and I also returned for a second chat. This time I turned up at the flat and she had brought her dog over and as I got into the car park she was outside and asked if I wanted to come out with her on a walk. I was surprised at this positive approach by her. I did go and she was fine towards me. That night she stayed up late and asked if I could stay with the dog whilst she popped out and picked her sister up from somewhere. I decided to stay that night as she said I could if I wanted.

 

The next morning her family were due over for lunch so I tidied up any mess and the previous eve she had said she wasn't sure about things and was thinking about them. In the morning the mood had changed and she was grumpy and not very interested. I offered what I could to help her get ready for the lunch and off I went home. She went on one day around this time and she text me first to say she was off down to Brighton (England) for a day out and she made a little joke. So she definitely had something going here at this time for me.

 

Days passed and i messaged her a couple of times and she just ignored my messages. This didn't make sense.. I explained that as she was like 'I dunno, well I changed my mind'. We had another discussion about the breakup and I wanted to say one more thing to her and she wouldn't let me and she didn't believe that I would leave her alone. Around this time I stupidly let my feelings get the better of me as I noticed the girl she works with had been over for an evening in (via social media) and I questioned her (as it was a weird move) and she got annoyed why I was questioning her actions. This really really really didn't help. I couldn't say for definite that I would leave her be, so she said she'd have to cut me out of her life then. So she did. Blocked my number, deleted me on social media ect. I should of settled for leaving it be Andy maybe we'd be friends. Things may have fizzled out over the months or weed get close again. We broke for 6months before and the she 'fell for me again'

I made a mistake here but not respecting her wishes all because of what I wanted and I didn't feel she was being fair.

 

Months passed by and I tried emails, letters ect, and she would just give me a 'leave me alone' response. I would maybe contact her once every 3-4 weeks or so.. I left her alone for a bit and it wasn't good enough, so she suddenly wanted to be left alone completely and had made her mind up and I'd never get to know the answers. It got more aggressive in her responses blaming me for that she'd asked me to leave her alone and million times and still I'm contacting her, go away ect.

She played the harassment card a few times which sickened me. We weren't like that as people at all.

 

I saw her a few weeks ago (early December 2016) at a gig which I knew she'd be at also (one of OUR fav bands to see together) and I called out her name as she walked passed and she just ignored me completely and i walked after, tapped her on the arm thinking she hasn't heard me but yup she had. She ignored me didn't look and walked off.

Her sister put her arm around her and looked back as though if to say leave her be she doesn't want to talk to you. Like she was protecting her.

 

I get on well with her parents and still would now if I was to talk to them. Her mum text me on my birthday in august 2016 also.

 

She obviously had more in her head than what I understood and wouldn't give it to me.

 

THEN..

 

a couple of nights ago the worst possible news reached me.. news I didn't expect for a long time, and not before the end of the year. A close friend informed me she announced on Facebook that she was in a relationship with a new bf.

 

I was and am absolutely devistated, stunned, surprised and distraught. I feel so so so low right now and have no motivation to do anything. She works closely with a girl who also ditched her bf (my friend) very close timing to when my ex ditched me. It defitnely looks like she has had influcence on her over the year.

 

I have been going to counselling over the last month or so and now this has just hit me, I'm absolutely utterly shellshocked. I expected her to move on in time (come on 5/6 years together takes a lot to move on from especially our bond) (she did tell me when we were talking that I was her best friend) but now within a few months of the last contact.

 

So I don't know what to do. I had planned to write her letter to her to ask for closure and then this came along. The guy has no connections and lives like 30/40 miles away, no idea how they met. He popped up on her media about a month or so ago, so it's happened pretty fast. So surprised she's ready for another guy. Didn't think she had it in her yet. She was quite a won't let myself be hurt anymore, all for myself in my shell type girl)

 

Yes I desperately don't want her to be with this guy and I'm absolutely gutted and panicked about her being with someone else, and what that means for me. If she could have given me closure then moved on 6 months laster, it would be very different..

 

I feel now like I need to write to her to tell her how I feel (I fear she doesnt actually realise and assumes I've moved on. BIG REALITY HIT ON HEART) MAYBE it wouldn't of quite gone like this if she knew I was really suffering and wasnt at all over her. I don't expect to get much from a letter but I want her to know I've had counselling and get a sense of what's happened her end, over the year and now. I'd love to be able to see her face to face and tap into her emotions a bit. After all there's no hate, I believe, and we did love each other and were going to be close still. Her intentions at least.

 

I had considered talking to her mum to find out some things and see what she had to say. I know she really liked me and has time for me and also interestingly she never liked the fb post about the new bf update. Interesting for her not to given she's quite actively supportive on there towards her daughter.

 

Please advise guys, I'm desperate to do something before they start to settle down and know each other and all is completely lost (pretty much is already right?) yes of course I feel like I want to say hello what about me, tap into her emotions and for her to have me tag around and maybe change things in the near future.

 

My life feels so torn into pieces right now, stake through the heart. I don't know if I want to be with her but that feels irrelevant almost. I just love her and want to be around her and have not moved on. We had such a bond us 2 and many years together.

 

Thank you so much everyone.

[Andrina]

Of course you haven't moved on since she's still a part of your life in your mind. You did not respect her wishes to leave her alone. It's good that you're in counseling. Continue, because your obsession with her is not healthy. No. Do not contact her ever again. You will find yourself with a restraining order. She is your past. It's none of your business what she is doing with her life.

 

Get yourself busy with hobbies/interests, getting further education if it would be good for a career. Don't look at photos of her. Put them away until the day you can look at them with fond memories and nothing more. I have a feeling you did not and do not have a fulfilling life besides her. You made her the center of your universe which is smothering and not healthy, otherwise, you would've survived the breakup much better. Always keep a separate, fulfilling life besides your partner. Keep up with hanging out with guy friends. Engage in a sport or hobby. It's time to get your life back on track and the first step is realizing she will never be in your life again.

 

Many relationships started in the late teens don't survive because people do a lot of changing and growing during their twenties, when the brain is maturing. What she wanted early on changed or life experience showed her what she didn't want in a relationship, or she outgrew it. It's common. She was your first love. We all have them and move on to more relationships until we find the lifetime partner. Stay alone until you're happy solo and then you can attempt dating again. Take care.

[limichelle]

I agree with Andrina!

 

You really need to let her go. I'm sorry for the loss of the relationship and I know how hard it must be, but writing her a letter won't help her or you in this situation. If anything you will anger her and you won't get closure. She is your past so build on your future now. Get out and meet new people, do your hobbies, take care of yourself.

 

This is your time!

 

Lisa

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

It's rough man. Sorry to hear. You gotta let go.

 

Any attempt at contact is just going to confirm her decision further. She is short with you, doesn't want to hear you out and ignored you in the club.....she doesnt want to hear it. Move on.

 

I know it hurts immensely right now...but every day it will get better and better. I remember being there a couple times.

 

One thing I can tell you, your actions now will be the deciding factor IF she decides to try again with you in the future. If she is using her new relationship as a rebound and still has feelings who knows. What I'm saying is if you're gonna cry and try to get her attention and constantly talk about your past then she will retract further. Ignore her. Move on.

 

If you're hung up on her then you just might miss out on something amazing that comes along.

[Ifeelsodown]

It's worth noting that if I was to write to her (as my counceller recommended) I would be saying my bit, then I'm 'out', which isn't easy but would make me feel better for getting my feelings off my chest and trying to understand things a little more. I only messaged before because she wouldn't let up with an expIanation which was unlike her and I did specify I wasn't trying to get back with her. I feel this is the only time with a different approach where she might actually give me some response and that would be that. As hard as that is - On a level of decency to me, but who knows.

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

Do what you want but I guarantee it will fall on deaf ears. I know because I've been there. It doesn't work and then you become worried that they didn't read it or notice and its a can of worms you don't want to open.

 

If she is with someone then she won't care and you're gonna come across as desperate. If you had credibility it might be different but you lost that when you contacted a co worker.

 

It's your decision either way....but what's the rush. Why not at least WAIT.

 

All good things to those who WAIT

[RainyCoast]

you need to leave her alone. she has made it amply clear she wants to hear nothing from you and have nothing to do with you.

 

there is no reason why she shouldn't be in a relationship. saying she might choose to skip the guy had she known how utterly unresigned you were about her is just...unbelievable. she knows you're unresigned, you won't leave her alone. she won't skip guys she likes because you don't accept it's over.

 

and no, it's not "on a level of decency" for her to give you yet another response. she has given you plenty responses, and they were to leave her alone and your persistence is menacing to the point of harrassment.

 

i'm sorry for your pain, especially since she seemed fickle immediately after the break up, asking you to doggysit and spend the night, but hey. she made it clear she changed her mind. she doesn't owe you a listening ear, much less a chance. there is a line dude.

[Ifeelsodown]

Unless I've misunderstood you or didn't make myself clear originally, I didn't contact a co worker, but I did annoy my ex at the time by mentioning it to her. Anyhow as I'd said, there is no hate and eventually I stopped messaging and gave it a lot of time, as she had wanted. So I presume she may feel I moved on. As for credibility we both knew what we meant to each other, both were decent people ect and I never did anything awful so there shouldn't be absolutely nothing good, if there is nothing. She just wanted to be left be because she was annoyed with it all.

 

As for the gig, I would imagine she was very surprised to see me that night and didn't know what to say or feel comfortable looking at me given what was actually going on that I didn't know about.

[rosecolored108]

"So I don't know what to do. I had planned to write her letter to her to ask for closure and then this came along. The guy has no connections and lives like 30/40 miles away, no idea how they met. He popped up on her media about a month or so ago, so it's happened pretty fast. So surprised she's ready for another guy. Didn't think she had it in her yet. She was quite a won't let myself be hurt anymore, all for myself in my shell type girl)"

 

Do not write her a letter. She asked you to stop contacting her, and she blocked you. You continuing to pester her only lowers your attraction level in her eyes. Whatever attraction she may have had, has quickly dissipated.

 

She is allowed to date, and you cannot control when she moves on; you may not be ready to, but she may be ready. You don't know what is going on in her mind, and you should not worry about that.

 

5 years is a long time, but Andrina made a good point. A lot of changes occur in your 20s, and you both may not be the people you were in your late teens. I dated my ex for 8 years (we got together at eighteen), and I can say, with a good degree of certainty, that we both changed a lot over the course of the relationship, and we became different people with different goals and life desires.

 

When he left me, I didn't want to accept it, and we went back and forth for over a year. It feels terrible being left; like your life is all of a sudden thrown into chaos, because a "constant" in your life has been taken from you...without your consent. I know the heartbreak, but there is usually a reason (or multiple), that these long-term relationships end.

 

She wants space away from you, and it sounds like she is moving on; I know that hurts, but it is the truth of the situation.

 

Find something fulfilling in your own life; invest in a new hobby or go out and meet new people. It can be scary, I know, but it must be done.

 

You are constantly obsessing over your ex, contacting every few weeks, and giving her no space. Continue with counseling, as this obsession you have seems to be all you think about...

 

5 years with someone is a long time, and it can be tough to transition, but time will make it easier. Continuing to contact her will only make her hate you and will reinforce the idea that breaking up was the right decision. You talking to her friends and parents makes you look like a stalker.

 

This all may even end in a restraining order.

 

You HAVE to accept the break-up; you can't talk your way back into the arms of your ex. You can only move on and improve your own life.

[Ifeelsodown]

I understand what you're saying, but time has passed and what none of us know is if she feels she is able to say something to me now. I don't know if her mindset has changed towards me over the last several months or not. It was all a bit mysterious and especially the bond we had.

[rosecolored108]

If her mindset had changed, she would have contacted you and tried to fix things. She didn't. She has a boyfriend. That is the reality as of now.

 

How long have you been out of contact?

[Ifeelsodown]

"So I don't know what to do. I had planned to write her letter to her to ask for closure and then this came along. The guy has no connections and lives like 30/40 miles away, no idea how they met. He popped up on her media about a month or so ago, so it's happened pretty fast. So surprised she's ready for another guy. Didn't think she had it in her yet. She was quite a won't let myself be hurt anymore, all for myself in my shell type girl)"

 

Do not write her a letter. She asked you to stop contacting her, and she blocked you. You continuing to pester her only lowers your attraction level in her eyes. Whatever attraction she may have had, has quickly dissipated.

 

She is allowed to date, and you cannot control when she moves on; you may not be ready to, but she may be ready. You don't know what is going on in her mind, and you should not worry about that.

 

5 years is a long time, but Andrina made a good point. A lot of changes occur in your 20s, and you both may not be the people you were in your late teens. I dated my ex for 8 years (we got together at eighteen), and I can say, with a good degree of certainty, that we both changed a lot over the course of the relationship, and we became different people with different goals and life desires.

 

When he left me, I didn't want to accept it, and we went back and forth for over a year. It feels terrible being left; like your life is all of a sudden thrown into chaos, because a "constant" in your life has been taken from you...without your consent. I know the heartbreak, but there is usually a reason (or multiple), that these long-term relationships end.

 

She wants space away from you, and it sounds like she is moving on; I know that hurts, but it is the truth of the situation.

 

Find something fulfilling in your own life; invest in a new hobby or go out and meet new people. It can be scary, I know, but it must be done.

 

You are constantly obsessing over your ex, contacting every few weeks, and giving her no space. Continue with counseling, as this obsession you have seems to be all you think about...

 

5 years with someone is a long time, and it can be tough to transition, but time will make it easier. Continuing to contact her will only make her hate you and will reinforce the idea that breaking up was the right decision. You talking to her friends and parents makes you look like a stalker.

 

This all may even end in a restraining order.

 

You HAVE to accept the break-up; you can't talk your way back into the arms of your ex. You can only move on and improve your own life.

 

 

 

Fair response however I'd like to clear up a couple of things. I haven't contacted her for months (probably since early summer) and I haven't contacted her friends, nor do i talk to her friends. No connection with them at all. In fact, I've deleted my Facebook to avoid seeing things that will upset me. However her mum is still totally fine with me but I see your point.

[rosecolored108]

That is good that you haven't contacted for months then. She asked for space, and you should give it to her. I don't think the letter is a good idea, but if your counselor suggested it, maybe there is something to it.

[RainyCoast]

what are you talking about???

 

she told you that she had said a million times to not contact you again. if she wanted to talk to you, she would get in touch.

 

 

I saw her a few weeks ago

 

DECEMBER 2016? that is THIS MONTH. you went to seek her out physically at a gig. tried talking to her, she IGNORED YOU AND WALKED AWAY. you WENT AFTER HER AND TOUCHED HER ARM. she proceeded to NOT TALK TO YOU AND WALK AWAY.

 

 

what is unclear?

 

who cares if you've "changed"? why do you assume it makes a difference to her, and that it should? if she were interested in finding out you're better now, she'd get in touch. how have you changed? you turned into a menacing presence. you're all we're decent people but dayummm did you do a good job showing her behavior that's nowhere close to decent. if anything, persisting will convince her you're a lunatic. at the least. restraining orders are also an option.

[Ifeelsodown]

If her mindset had changed, she would have contacted you and tried to fix things. She didn't. She has a boyfriend. That is the reality as of now.

 

How long have you been out of contact?

 

When I say mindset changed, I'm talking about her view towards me (if she'd talk or not). I wouldn't ever of expected her to talk to me for a long time but her mindset may have changed in terms of how she is towards me, that she would maybe acknowledge me now. She just wanted to be left alone over relationship hassle at the time. She didn't and doesn't hate me.

[RainyCoast]

her mindset may have changed in terms of how she is towards me, that she would maybe acknowledge me now

she just ignored you a couple of weeks ago.

 

when you break up with someone and they tell you to leave them the heck alone, it means to leave them alone, not to check every couple of weeks for the rest of your life wehther they want to talk to you now.

[rosecolored108]

Who cares if she hates you or not.

 

You sound really desperate seeking her approval to "acknowledge" you. Why do you need her validation? Stand on your own, and value yourself!

 

If her mindset changed, she would contact you and open the lines of communication. She hasn't. She is done at this time.

[rosecolored108]

"she just ignored you a couple of weeks ago.

 

when you break up with someone and they tell you to leave them the heck alone, it means to elave them alone, not to check every couple of months for the rest of your life wehther they want to talk to you now."

 

^Thank you. Please heed this advice.

[Ifeelsodown]

what are you talking about???

 

she told you that she had said a million times to not contact you again. if she wanted to talk to you, she would get in touch.

 

 

 

 

DECEMBER 2016? that is THIS MONTH. you went to seek her out physically at a gig. tried talking to her, she IGNORED YOU AND WALKED AWAY. you WENT AFTER HER AND TOUCHED HER ARM. she proceeded to NOT TALK TO YOU AND WALK AWAY.

 

 

what is unclear?

 

who cares if you've "changed"? why do you assume it makes a difference to her, and that it should? if she were interested in finding out you're better now, she'd get in touch. how have you changed? you turned into a menacing presence. you're all we're decent people but dayummm did you do a good job showing her behavior that's nowhere close to decent. if anything, persisting will convince her you're a lunatic. at the least. restraining orders are also an option.

 

 

I've told this to many people around me and nobody responded like you did. I don't understand your need for aggression. I think you don't understand things as clearly as I'd hoped. It does make a difference if she is ready to talk to me. Which she may be, may not. But at the gig she may not of been ready for it. Writing a letter is a little different isn't it. Face to face can be hard for people especially out of the blue.

[Ifeelsodown]

Who cares if she hates you or not.

 

You sound really desperate seeking her approval to "acknowledge" you. Why do you need her validation? Stand on your own, and value yourself!

 

If her mindset changed, she would contact you and open the lines of communication. She hasn't. She is done at this time.

 

Because she has no need to contact me unless she wanted to see how I was like a year or two down the line. I just would like to express my feelings and 'sign off' from her. Not really unreasonable is it? That's my choice to do so, and if she doesn't reply then that's it forever with her, no more.

[rosecolored108]

At the gig, it wasn't that she wasn't ready, she didn't want to talk to you...

[RainyCoast]

I don't understand your need for aggression.

it is aggressive to menace a person who repeatedly asks to be left alone.

[rosecolored108]

"Because she has no need to contact me unless she wanted to see how I was like a year or two down the line. I just would like to express my feelings and 'sign off' from her. Not really unreasonable is it? That's my choice to do so, and if she doesn't reply then that's it forever with her, no more."

 

Right, she has no need to contact you because you are her ex, and she doesn't want a relationship with you.

 

There is no need to "sign off" from her; things were "signed off" when you two broke up...

 

Of course, you can do as you want. If you feel the need to write the letter, you can, just be aware that it is probably only going to make things worse for you.

[limichelle]

We are just giving you words of caution because writing the letter to somebody who doesn't want to listen will fall on deaf ears. She isn't going to reciprocate what you want her too by giving you that letter. She made it clear it's over.

[Wiseman2]

Agree you should write everything you need to say, but in a journal or save it and reread it. Sending it is foolish because the result may be...you wondering what she thinks, will she respond?, or a nasty reply, etc.

 

She has a bf. Stop contacting her. It's not about you, the relationship is over and she is not responsible for sorting out your feelings, you are.

 

Or she could get a restraining order since she has told you in writing to leave her alone, very easy to bring everything to the local court/law enforcement and slap you with that. Will this "counselor" pay for your attorney in that case or just leave you hanging with this horrid advice?

 

Your counselor is dead wrong suggesting you harass someone who has specifically requested that you do not contact her. I'm guessing you forgot to mention that to the counselor...or the counselor is untrained, a quack or reckless regarding your legal safety. Please find a competent, certified, trained counselor.

It's worth noting that if I was to write to her (as my counceller recommended) I would be saying my bit, then I'm 'out', which isn't easy but would make me feel better for getting my feelings off my chest and trying to understand things a little more.